BPOV
The next week flew by. I spent almost all my time cooking to feed the pack. I felt so bad for leaving Emily to do all this work every day, by herself. I swore that I wouldn't let that happen again.
All my free time was spent talking with the pack, running patrols, and fixing my machine. I had taken Emily's advice and lined it with rubber so that it now would resist electricity. It had taken a while, but it was helpful to have something to work on while everyone else was asleep.
On Sunday night, I reluctantly pulled on my tights, turtleneck, gloves, and socks, and then pulled on my black outfit. At dinner, I had been doing as much talking as possible to savor it. Now, I picked up my whiteboard and climbed in the passenger seat of Sam's car.
He would be driving me back to my house and then explaining to Charlie that I had been extremely lucky and wasn't permanently hurt. I had healed fast and would be able to go back to school immediately.
That night, I ran back to La Push and cooked a breakfast that Emily could just warm up in the morning. Then, I went back to the house and worked on my college class.
In the morning, I got ready for school and headed out. Everyone was watching me and talking about me. The bullying was a whole lot worse than normal. I had had at least two drinks dumped on me, been 'tripped' three times, and had actually been spit on once.
I was aware of Edward staring at me once or twice during lunch. Every time I felt it, I had a large urge to jump up and down and spin around. He noticed me. More than that, he was talking about me. I had been polite and didn't listen in on his conversation with his family, but I caught my name once or twice.
After that, in Biology, he stared at me nonstop for the first couple minutes. Just the feeling of his eyes on me sent little electric sparks through me. I knew that I still needed to ignore him, but it was hard. I wanted with everything I had to turn and look at him. The only thing stopping me was the knowledge that anyone I got close to would surely die. Now that I knew I loved him, I would accept any pain necessary to keep Edward safe. I would protect him with my life.
Halfway through class, however, he seemed to take a sudden interest in the teacher. It seemed for some reason that he had chosen to ignore me too. While it would help me in my mission, it hurt. A lot. I loved Edward with absolutely everything I had. After Emily had told me, my love had only grown. He was the only thing that mattered to me anymore. The fact that he would want to ignore me for any reason hurt like nothing else I'd ever experienced. Ever.
For the next couple months, it seemed like Edward had seriously stopped caring about me. I was just a nothing like I had been before he got here. He stopped watching me through other's minds. He didn't follow me home. He never talked to me, and he didn't stand outside the door to the music room listening to me play at lunch.
I was completely miserable. Not like anyone could notice. No one could see my face through my hood, and I never cried. I never differed from my patterns from before. To anyone else, it would appear that I was normal, but I was breaking up inside.
Biology was torture. I was forced to sit next to the love of my life for an hour and not talk to him. I had to ignore him and watch him ignore me. His face was always expressionless, so I had no idea what he was feeling. He never talked to me, even when we had to work together on a project. I was sure he hated me.
I would go to work after school and spend a while there. Then, I would go home, work on my classes, and make a breakfast for the pack before heading out for school. It was ironic, because I'd never felt so many emotions until I fell in love. Now, though, it just opened me up to worlds of pain. Sure, they would dull when I was in Edward's presence, but it would hurt even more when I had to leave him.
So I was terrified when Mr. Banner introduced the project. It would be a mix of heaven and hell to have to work with Edward. It was an excuse to talk to him, to be around him. I wanted it more than anything else, yet it would be so hard to pretend to only like him as a friend. In fact, I realized, I would have to pretend to be mad at him. Any person who wasn't in love with him would be, but I could never be. I would have to be cruel.
I flinched, and seconds later I saw Edward flinch too. I knew mine was because I was anticipating the pain, but Edward's was from not wanting to be around me. It was because he hated me, just like I had thought.
I was glad for the hood that covered my face, because for a second, I had no control over my expression. Slowly, I was able to overpower it just in time for Mr. Banner to give us a chance to work.
I noticed everyone turning to their partners and couldn't help to notice that even though Edward had vampire speed, we were the last partners to be facing each other.
I hadn't looked at Edward for the past month, and I took this opportunity to drink in his appearance. He was so beautiful. I watched his eyelashes brush lightly against his cheeks as he blinked. I reached for my board for something to do. I was aware that there was a dreamy smile on my face and reveled in the rare opportunity of looking on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, and for a second, I was distracted by the movement of his lips.
"So, which organelle do you want to work on?" His velvet voice did nothing to help the cloudy stupor that I was in. Sadly, I picked up my marker. I wanted more than anything to kiss him. To tell him I loved him. Not write it, I wanted to say it.
Oh, is the high and mighty Edward Cullen finally done ignoring me? I saw the confusion on his face and it killed me. I was causing him to be confused and hurt. I was regretting ever disappearing. If I hadn't, I would be able to just talk to him and tell him I loved him and not worry about him dying because of it. But I would never regret meeting him. I would never regret falling in love with him. Just knowing that he existed, that there was something worth loving in this world, was more than I had ever had before. It was worth every ounce of pain it caused me. I watched his face and saw that he was still confused and probably wouldn't answer. Ugh, I had to do more damage. Don't play ignorant. I don't have leprosy, ya know. At first, I thought you had turned to the dark side, but then I realized that no, you were just ignoring me.
He never really answered the question. "You never said which organelle you wanted to work on." I rolled my eyes. He was lucky I was madly in love with him, or he might actually annoy me.
I don't know. You choose. I knew I should pick out an easy organelle, but I also knew that I didn't have the will power to do so. Let's just hope that Edward's hate would cause him to pick an easy one.
"Golgi apparatus." Ugh. He couldn't make anything easy, could he? This would just prolong my pain.
Why that one? I was so glad that he couldn't see my face or read my mind. I was capable of pretending like nothing was wrong. If he had been able to see anything, I would have confused him. I couldn't have any effect on him. That would mean that he was becoming attached.
"Do you want to meet at your house or my house?" Hm. I thought it might be easier to remember why I was ignoring him if I was surrounded by the smell of Charlie. If I went to his house, not only would I be surrounded by his smell, but I would have to meet his family. It was everything I needed to avoid. So, it would be my house.
My house, please. We should probably start tonight. What time do you want to come over?I would need to get ready, and I should probably go 'hiking' first. It had been a while, and I didn't know how long we would be working.
"I'm free all night, just say when you want me to show up." Oh. I would also need to ask for a break from my job for a little while. This would cut into my funds. It was what I had to pay for coming back here. I could have just stayed out and not gone back to school, but I had to be around people who knew me.
If you could come over at four, I think that'd be best.
He nodded, and I refused to let myself rejoice in the fact that he had said yes to me. It was just a project. He would go back to hating me as soon as it was over, and I would have to ignore him again. Luckily, the bell rang before I had too long to wallow in misery.
Edward had gotten up to leave, only enforcing my belief that he hated me, when I remembered something. Reaching for my white board, I tapped him on the shoulder and scribbled something down.
Do you have a laptop?
"Yes."
Bring it with you. We'll need to start researching. Oh, I wished to be less abrupt. To spend hours on end just discussing pointless things that had no real effect on our life, but were vitally important to me. Before I could start anything, I ran out, brushing past him and feeling a spark shoot up my arm.
Gym was terrible. I hated having to be clumsy, but it was the way I had been before, so I had to act. No one could get suspicious. It could be the thing that led them to me.
When I got home, I ran out back first to 'hike' and then hurried back inside. I printed out a sheet for Edward to fill out that would prevent any talking. It would make me crumble to stand there, in my own house, alone, and talk with Edward. It would have to be avoided at all costs. Then, I made a quick phone call to my two employers telling them that I would be out with the flu for at least a week or two. With that done, I grabbed my laptop and set it on the table right inside the door. I then focused all my attention on the road outside my house. Edward arrived a few minutes early, but waited until four to knock. I opened the door and prayed that he would think I had been at the table and not waiting for him like the love struck teenage girl I was.
We went to get started and I handed him the sheet. For a while, he just stared at me and effectively distracted me while I was trying to research. Finally, he turned to his own computer and set to work, thereby freeing me up to do the same.
The first week passed by in bliss. I had allowed myself to talk to him, and I knew that I would pay for that eventually, but for now, I was just having fun with all this. It seemed like we were actually friends. As much as I wanted it to be more than that, I also needed it to be less. Every moment, I was getting closer and closer to telling him.
I found the strength I needed to resist on the day the second week started. Jessica was spreading the gossip that Edward was leaving. He was going to some prestigious boarding school in Europe. I thought of the time I had seen Sam away from his imprint for a week, and knew it would be even worse for me. Then, Sam had been away from a girl that knew he loved her in order to protect her from a rogue vampire. Now, Edward would be gone for the rest of my life. His family would have to move on before people got suspicious. I couldn't exactly follow them.
I almost fell down crying right then and there when I was told. It couldn't be true. But no, it was God's way of helping me. I needed to be able to avoid Edward to save his life, and so he was getting sent away from me. I didn't even know where exactly he was going, so I wouldn't be able to contact him.
When he came later that day to work on the project, I didn't mention it. I didn't want to think about it. I just followed the scrip of sorts that we had formed over the last couple days.
Hello Edward.
"Hello Bella." It was just my imagination when his voice changed on my name. Or maybe it was just his attempt at hiding his disgust for me. He couldn't help but le his hate twist my name, even though it was almost unnoticeable.
How are you today?
"Fine." He trailed off, letting me know that he was asking me the say question back. He was such a gentleman. It really was so easy to fall for him. Even now that I knew he was leaving, I still was flooded with emotions of love and happiness and peace from just looking at his beautiful face. I wanted to kiss him, but that would just make it harder to watch him go, and he would reject me anyway, and that would hurt more than the pain that came with not kissing him.
Hm. Me too. Are you ready to start? I was not fine. The love of my life was going to leave, and he would never know how much I needed him.
Even worse was the fact that we were almost done with the project. It was cutting all my time with him short. I had taken the fact that he would remain here until graduation for granted. Now, even that short amount of time was cut short. I would have to say goodbye in a week.
I was hoping against hope that he wouldn't mention his leaving when I said goodbye, but of course, when your life get's ruined, it get ruined completely and permanently. I wouldn't be able to recover from this.
Goodbye Edward. See you tomorrow.
"Yes. I think we'll be able to finish then."
I hope so. This has taken forever. It was a lie! All of it. I wanted to be near him always. I didn't want the project to be done. I wanted it to go on forever so I would never have to say goodbye to him. I wanted to stay in this moment until I died.
"You know, the day this is due is my last day at this school." He had to mention that.
Oh. That's right. I heard something about that today. I hope you have a fun time in Europe. Thanks for staying long enough to finish the project. I wouldn't have been able to do all this alone. I was amazed at how casual I was able to come off, even though inside, I was crying. If I had been talking, that wouldn't have worked.
I watched him walk out the door and fell down crying as soon as he was out of hearing range. Every piece of my aching heart screamed at me to run after him. To take his face in my hands and kiss him until he fell in love with me too. It was wrong, and it was selfish, but it was what I wanted more than anything at the moment.
XxX
I had remained completely in control of myself until the day he left. I had gone back to hating him, even though the pain had increased to impossible proportions. I wondered if anyone could tell. It seemed like I should be practically radiating pain to everyone around me. Why did no one ask me if I was okay?
We presented our project, and I made sure to commit his voice to memory. Every word he spoke was filed away in perfect clarity to a box in the back of my head labeled: to be opened when you won't mind feeling the pain. I had a feeling that I would be opening that box a lot.
I almost didn't hear the teacher when he told us our grade of 100%. It didn't really matter. This would be my last moment with Edward. I suddenly realized that I would need a distraction. Badly. As soon as I was outside of that class, I called both my bosses and told them that I was feeling much better and that I would be able to make it back today.
I went through gym again and left early having every intention of making it out of the parking lot before Edward came out to avoid temptation. It wasn't until I was at my car that I remembered I hadn't said goodbye yet. All day, I had watched people tell him goodbye and I was almost positive that I was now the only person. I would allow myself this last moment with him. Every second would be committed to memory.
With that in my head, I walked over to wait for him by his car. At first, he seemed almost pained to see me, and I thought I had made the wrong choice. Then, he broke the silence.
"Well, this is different." Involuntarily, I felt a bitter smile stretch across my face. He was so perfect, and this was the last memory of him I would ever have.
It is, isn't it?
"What brought it on?" Was he sad that I was here? Had I made the wrong choice after all?
I just decided to send you off properly. I'd hate to have you leave and me be the only person to not say goodbye. I would not cry. I would not break until I was safely at home.
"Well, thank you." Yes. He definitely wanted to leave. I could see it in his eyes. It was only going to get more and more painful the longer I stood here, so I decided to wrap it up.
So, goodbye and good luck, I guess. And that was all I could say without weirding him out. We hadn't been good friends. We hadn't even talked outside of school and projects. I wanted to tell him I loved him. To beg for him to not leave me. To wrap my arms around his legs like a child and prevent him from going anywhere. Still, I saw his eyes flicking to the car every few seconds, effectively communicating his desperate want to get as far away from me as possible. I would not force him to do anything he didn't want to do.
"Thank you, again." And that was that. I reached for my marker again and saw a panicked light come into his eyes. He wanted to get as far from me as possible. Slipping gracefully into his car, he started off before I could say anything else.
By then, my resolve meant nothing. I felt my shoulders slump and let silent sobs rock my body. In a last desperate attempt at talking to him, I wrote a final message on the board.
I'll miss you.
A lot.
He glanced back at the last second, and I knew his sudden stop was just in surprise at my not hating him. There was nothing more. Confirming my suspicions, he was soon moving again. And that was the last memory I would ever have of Edward Cullen. I would be able to remember with perfect clarity how badly he had wanted to get as far away from me as possible. I filed that away in the box too. Right now, it was painful, and it would be even more so later, but I would need ever memory of him I had.
I ran to my car and cried some more on the way to work. Today, it was impossible to focus on the mop's rhythm. Edward filled everything. I was still zoned out, but if I had been human, tears would be running down my face.
When I finally got home, I went up to my room and found it filled with his scent. Had he been here? Yes, my picture was missing from my bookshelf. Why would he want it anyway? It didn't matter. I ran downstairs and grabbed a handful of plastic bags that were supposedly airtight. Then, I ran around my room and shoved everything that had even a hint of Edward's smell. I would savor it forever.
I let my eyes drift over my room and only then realized what an empty life I led. There were no decorations on my walls, and everything was in perfect order. I spend all my time on the computer when I was home. In the last months, Edward had become my life. Now, I noticed just how pitiful I was without him.
I felt myself collapse, and allowed myself to cry for a while. Eventually, I made myself get up and move on. I would still have to go on. If his family saw how this affected me, they might tell him, or become involved with me themselves.
I couldn't let that happen.
But would going back to my regular schedule be best?
Maybe it would tip them off that something was wrong. But why should they think so?
In fact, if I broke my patterns, they would no doubt notice.
So, I had to remain normal. It would hurt me. It would remind me of Edward, but I would have to do it. I still had to keep them safe. If I endangered them, I endangered Edward.
Figuring I was already in enough pain, and knowing I wouldn't be able to focus on my class, I decided to open the box in the back of my head where I had put all my memories of Edward.
Lying down on my bed, I let the memories flood my head. I felt the pain that came with them and respected it.
Was this all I would ever have? It was nothing less than I deserved. After all the deaths I had caused, and all the lives I was endangering at this very moment, it was only fair that I shouldn't be happy.
With that in mind, I was thankful. Thankful that I was blessed enough to even have the memory of such a perfect person. If that was all I would ever get, well, I certainly wouldn't be happy with it, but I think I could learn to live with it if given enough time.
XxX
Edward had been gone for a week now. No one could tell that I missed him. No one would ever be able to tell. I had made sure of that. Every day, I went to school and played my part perfectly. It was a good thing too.
His family watched me as much as he used to now. Everywhere I went it seemed like one of them was there. Luckily, it was only at school, or I would go insane. They reminded me of him, and it hurt. It was like they thought I had something to do with his leaving. But it had nothing to so with me, of that I was sure.
He was in my every thought now. He was all I could think about. I spent a lot of time crying softly to myself. Jasper seemed to know what I was feeling, and then I remembered his power. Did that mean he knew that I loved his brother? He'd never been nearby when we were together. I wanted to ask him about it, but that would require me to interact with him and get close to him. They would kill him, and then his family. Which meant Edward would die.
But it was getting harder and harder to resist, even when Edward wasn't here. I had never wanted anything more than I wanted to befriend the Cullens and fall in love with Edward openly. Even after just watching them from a distance, I was coming to love Alice's bounciness, Emmett's straightforwardness, Jasper's calmness, and Rosalie's protective loyalty to all her family. It was like I had been destined to fall desperately in love with Edward and become part of the family. It was too bad fate hadn't taken the attack into account.
I was hanging on to my determination to avoid the Cullens, and I could stay away from them for eternity.
As long as nothing changed.
Sadly, I was stuck in limbo. Wavering between one choice and another. One decision would make me happy; the other would protect the Cullens. It was obvious what choice I was supposed to make. It was the choice any good person would make.
I knew what choice I had to make, and I had made it. Now I just had to stick to it. So that's why I was in limbo. My world was in the perfect balance right now. Any movement would cause me to lose my grip on determination.
But we all know you can't stay in limbo forever.
This became apparent one night. I was working on my class after changing out of my baggy black clothes. I was just figuring out how to focus on work again. It was than that she came through my window.
I had been too focused on my work to hear her coming until it was too late.
Alice.
A/N: So, I hope you like that. Sorry. Bella thinks way too much. It's so hard to write her point of view, because she debates over absolutely everything.
Ugh.
It takes forever to get her to sound just like her. I have to write everything down, then read over it, then rewrite it, then check it again. She's always doubting her decisions too.
And she's just so worried about what Edward thinks of her that she doesn't even notice that he loves her.
But I'm sure you're not reading this just to hear me rant. In fact, I doubt anyone's even reading this at all any more. For those of you who are, thank you.
I want you to know that the next chapter will be from Alice's point of view. She didn't really come into the story until now, but it's a central role.
And for those of you who are STILL reading this, you get a gift. A sneak peak at the next chapter:
Soon, I found myself outside her window. The light wasn't on, so I assumed that she was asleep. I hopped up onto the tree outside her window and then inside her room.
Looking around, I realized that she was still awake. In fact, she was sitting on her bed with her back to me. I had time to register only her long, wavy brown hair before she whirled around in a blinding movement. I looked closer, and realized that for the first time since I had met her, she wasn't wearing her black outfit. I looked up into her face only to find it heartbreakingly beautiful. Her skin was as pale as mine and her bone structure was delicate, yet defined. My growing suspicion was confirmed as I looked up to find her eyes a light gold.
So, there you go. It's the rough version, so it might change a little. Hope you liked it. :D
~School-is-my-purgatory