Chapter 5
The others just stared at Willow, still trying to digest what she had just said. For several moments it was very quiet…
Finally Xander summed up everyone's thoughts in one breathless word. "Wow…"
"So what do you guys think?" Willow asked anxiously, looking around the room at everybody, still fidgeting, as if she simply could not contain her excited energy. "Don't you think it will work? I really think it might could work…"
"Well it's certainly something to consider," Giles said slowly, regarding Willow thoughtfully. "Quite honestly, that is the most likely idea we have heard mentioned so far…"
He paused, clearly still thinking it over, and then looked back at Faith with the same scrutiny he had shown Willow before addressing the redhead again.
"Yes… I do believe this could be doable, Willow… with careful planning and very precise actions, you are correct, this may be very effective. The Tublakah… the spell is much rarer than it once was, there is scarcely any use for it in these times. I'm surprised you have come across it described in such detail, Willow… but if you are certain you can perform it accurately…"
"Yes, I can!" Willow said eagerly, nodding. "To be so old a spell, it didn't sound so complicated, just very, very exact. And I still even have the book, or, well, I know where to get it, it's back at college. I could go get it now-"
"Well, it seems that perhaps you should at least bring it back to us, so we can see exactly what the ritual would require," Giles told her. "And if it seems as workable as you believe, then this would seem to be our best option as of now."
He looked over at Faith suddenly, frowning a little, as if just remembering something. "That is, of course, if Faith is amenable to the idea."
Faith looked briefly mystified at the word 'amenable,' but seemed to get the gist of what Giles was asking her, as well as what Willow had suggested. She frowned slightly for a few moments,
shaking her head, but she didn't seem to be truly troubled or disturbed by their talk. If anything, she seemed to Buffy to have relaxed her posture slightly… to almost look relieved, even hopeful.
"Damn, maybe I should be careful what I wish for around you guys," she muttered, but her tone was not resentful. "Make one comment about me dying and you run fifty yards with it… but, but yeah, okay. Go for it, Red." She shrugged, her expression calm, neutral, a marked contrast to the flabbergasted shock on the features of the older blonde slayer beside her.
Buffy had sat there as Willow described the Tublakah ritual, as Giles and Willow discussed it further between them. She had sat there, listening to their reasoning, and could not find thew words or ability to make herself speak up, make herself put into action the rapidly spreading horror that was turning her blood to ice, rising to block her voice and close up her throat…
It was bad enough to listen to Willow and Giles speaking, to hear them calmly discussing ways to end Faith's life- the life they had just went to such extremes to save- even with their intention of bringing her back. But when Buffy heard Faith herself speak up and agree with them, and she knew, she remembered how Faith had desired to die…
And still might…
Before she was even aware that the fear choking her, cutting off her voice, had suddenly eased, Buffy could hear herself reacting to them passionately, her voice loud and shrill with panic.
"WHAT?! You can't do that, you can't do that!" she sputtered, her eyes huge, blinking rapidly as her head whipped from Faith to Giles to Willow rapidly, addressing them each in a collective order and plea. "You can't kill her! You cannot kill her, what the hell are you thinking?!"
"Buffy, it wouldn't be for forever, we'd just kill her a little bit," Willow tried to reason with her in a logical tone, her eyes going wide at Buffy's strong emotion. She shrank back against Oz subconsciously, a little intimidated but trying not to show it. "It would just be for a little bit-"
"I don't care!" Buffy almost exploded, and Willow flinched. She could sense the others almost gawking at her; even Faith was staring at her an oddly defensive, yet also strangely troubled gleam in her eyes. None of this was enough to deter her.
"I don't care how short a time you think it will be, she'll still be dead! How the hell can you even consider killing her in any manner?! Aren't you thinking about this!? What if something goes wrong? What if you say a word wrong, or you don't' set it up exactly right? What if you
don't' catch all of her life force, or you drop the jar and break it too soon or something? What if it just doesn't work?! Then she'd just be dead, you'd just be doing the Council a favor! How could you even think this might be a good idea?!" Buffy cried, gesturing wildly for emphasis as she spoke. She was so worked up that she barely noticed her quickened breathing, and heart rate… but she did notice through her slayer bond with Faith that Faith's had sped up as well.
Giles took a step closer to her, his eyes soft but firm as he attempted to speak to her in a calming manner. "Buffy-"
"No! Don't 'Buffy' me! She cannot do this!" Buffy hissed, turning her glare to Giles. "Do you not even remember that she was just in a coma less than two days ago?! She was unconscious for four months, and you're wanting to kill her?! She can't even walk- she can't even feed herself, for god's sake-"
"Hey, I can feed myself!" Faith objected, her tone defensive, more prickly and lively than Buffy had heard from her yet as she looked at Buffy a bit sharply, actually making eye contact. "You just wouldn't let me, is all."
Earlier Buffy would have been pleased by the eye contact, especially paired with any flash of emotion that wasn't immediately pushed back by Faith, but now she didn't notice, barely even heard Faith. She went on in the same manner as if Faith had never interrupted.
"She doesn't have any of her slayer strength back, she doesn't even have the strength of a normal person! She's weak- she can't even stay awake for more than few hours at a time, at the most, and you want to kill her, you're going to let her die for a while?" Buffy shrilled, almost hitting Faith in the face when she thrust out her arms in frustration. "Even if you do everything right, she might stay dead because she isn't strong enough to come back!"
"That shouldn't happen, Buffy," Willow ventured cautiously, watching her with the wariness one might watch a large dog straining at its chain. She seemed to be remembering how Buffy had earlier reacted to Anya, and fearing a second round with her in the ex vengeance demon's place. "If I do everything like I'm supposed to, it should be fine. A body naturally tries to draw back its life force once it has been released again. It, it shouldn't require strength."
"Well, I don't know," Anya piped up, "this ritual is usually performed by shamans, you know. People who actually know what they're doing. I heard about a man one time who attempted this on his brother and he didn't catch all of his life force, and when he tried to return it to him, part of it was missing. Turned out it was the soul part. Another time-"
"This is where you need to shut up again, Anya," Xander cut her off, giving her a very pointed look, and she narrowed her eyes back at him, annoyed.
"Excuse me, Xander, you weren't so eager for silence when you had your hand up my-"
"Buffy, I understand your concerns, and I share them as well," Giles broke in overly loudly and meaningfully, giving both Anya and Xander stony stares that immediately made them straighten up, both literally and figuratively, and go silent. Turning back to Buffy, he continued more quietly, "It is a risky plan, I know. But it is also the most reasonable one we have heard so far mentioned."
"Oh yeah, because it's reasonable to knock out the life force of someone who can barely stay conscious as it is?" Buffy sputtered.
"B, that's not true," Faith said in the same slightly hurt, defensive tone from before, and she frowned at Buffy with some irritation. Despite this new showing of emotion, however faint and un-Faith-like it seemed, she still seemed to be faintly detached from everyone- or rather, was detaching herself. "I'm alright. And Red said she'd be careful-"
"Oh yeah, sure, you're just fine, aren't you, Faith?" Buffy almost spat back at her, fixing her fierce glare on her as well before she could stop herself. Without meaning to, more words were spilling out her mouth, born not of true feelings and meaning, but rather her frustration and fear. Frustration and fear for the situation at hand, of course… but also for the build-up of all that had happened in the last few days.
"You're just fine, you say? Of course you are, Faith is always fine, Faith Lehane is always five by fucking five, aren't you, Faith? I saw you, Faith- you know that I saw you, you know what I'm talking about! So how can you say that, how can you keep saying that?!"
As soon as the words had left her mouth, sat there hanging almost visibly in the air, seeming to nearly echo in her ears, Buffy wanted to snatch them back. She wanted to grab them and stuff them back into herself, so far down she'd never feel them, let alone speak them… she wanted to cry, could feel her body tense with horror, the shamed, self-loathing tears rising thickly in her throat. And the room was so silent… no one would speak, no one would look at her.
Except for Faith.
Faith's face was paling slowly, her dark eyes dilating as her lips parted slightly, and she stared at Buffy, speechless. She seemed frozen, completely stiff and motionless beside her… all except for the feelings flickering starkly in her eyes. Anger, hurt, guilt, pain… fear, fear so prominent it was almost panic.
Buffy wanted to choke herself; she felt her heart seize at the look in Faith's eyes, the look she knew she had put there. In two minutes she had managed to destroy any headway she might have managed to make with Faith, any trust she might have built. She had just shattered her plan of going slow, letting Faith come to her, letting her confide in her on her own time, in her own way, if she chose to…
Oh god… what could she do now to repair what she had done? Faith had never been one to cope well when made to face things before she was ready… what was she going to do now that Buffy had shoved her denial in her face?
But Faith didn't do anything… she just stared at Buffy, breathing in a slightly uneven rasp, her torso shuddering slightly so that Buffy's stomach knotted. She wanted to take her into her arms and cry, beg her to forgive her, to forget what she had said. But Buffy couldn't bring herself to speak, let alone to apologize…
It was Willow who finally dared to break the room's awful silence, and she was clearly very nervous about doing so, her eyes darting about as she spoke.
"Um… B-Buffy… I promise, I, I would do it very carefully. I'll read it ten times if I have to, to make sure I get it right. I won't let anything happen to mess it up. And… and I can get Tara, I can have Tara come help, to make it safer. It should be much safer for Faith if Tara helps me…"
Buffy's eyes drifted over to the redhead slowly, and she frowned, trying to make sense of her words, when all she could think about was Faith.
"Tara…"
"Yes, Tara Maclay," Willow said, nodding in an anxious-to-please manner. "You haven't met hr yet… n-none of you have, actually. She's, she's a girl in the Wiccan group I started last week. But she's a lot better than the other girls, she actually knows what she's talking about! Her, her mom was Wiccan, and Tara's been practicing for years and years. She knows as much as I do- more! She's really strong, really good with her powers. I know if she helped me I can do this
spell, for sure… and we can totally trust her, I know we can. She's really sweet, really shy, so she won't say anything, really. I… Buffy, I really think we can do this," Willow said a bit falteringly, looking at the blonde and biting her lip. "And anyway, it was Tara's book that I read about the Tublakah spell in…"
Willow had never mentioned this Tara to Buffy before… all she'd said about the Wiccan group was how lame they were. At any other time Buffy would have wondered at this, but right now she was too distracted. As she looked from Willow's earnest expression to Giles's intent one, to Xander, Anya, and Oz's slightly puzzled but seemingly willing ones, Buffy could feel herself wavering, torn between her strong instincts to protect Faith from possible damage from the spell, and to protect her from the Council…
Finally her eyes went back to Faith. Faith's expression had smoothed itself out, her eyes blank once more, but as she looked back at Buffy, Buffy knew she had not truly rid herself of her feelings.
"Faith…" she almost whispered, and she could feel the tears behind her eyes, blinked against them hard. "You can't do this. I can't let you do this…"
"You can't not let me, B," Faith replied quietly, and strangely, there was no anger in her tone…. Her voice was, in fact, almost gentle. "There's not a lot of other choices. I have to do this… you have to let me do this."
She was looking at Buffy's eyes, actually LOOKING at her, for perhaps only the third time since they had began their journey back to Sunnydale… and Buffy was staring back at her, sensing her fear and determination struggling within her, and her determination winning out, willing her to let Willow try. Wiling Buffy to let Willow try…
No…no, she couldn't, she couldn't… what if she lost her, what if something happened, and Faith was gone before she could ever make it right?
But if she didn't… then Faith would still be gone. The Council would come, sooner or later, and they would take her, do god knows what to her. This spell- the Tublakah- it might take Faith away from her… but whatever happened, it would prevent the Council from doing so.
Buffy looked at Faith, seeing the fear in her eyes, and she knew that the younger slayer was not afraid of what would happen if they performed the spell on her… she was afraid of what would happen if they didn't. And so was she… god, so was she.
Buffy exhaled shakily, closing her eyes… when she opened them, she knew that everyone was watching her, awaiting her reaction. But Faith's were the only eyes she could see.
"Okay," she nearly whispered, her voice hoarse, defeated. "Okay… but god, Willow, be careful. You and, and Tara… please, be careful."
"I will, Buffy," Willow reassured her, her words solemn, but a slightly silly smile of relief crossed her face. "I promise, I won't let anything happen to her. We'll bring her back fine… I, I'll go right now, I'll go get Tara right now and bring her back with the things we need…"
She stood up quickly, glancing back at Oz, and he stood as well, walking with her to the basement stairs. As they left together, the others began to talk a bit uneasily and forcedly. Soon Anya and Xander were sniping at each other again, with Giles inserting exasperations. Buffy couldn't focus on what they were saying, and neither, it seemed, could Faith. Faith was no longer looking at her, seemed to have slid back into the process of shutting herself off from Buffy. She kept her eyes averted, her body tense, slightly turned away…
Buffy wanted so badly to touch her, to apologize, but she didn't' know what to say, what to do. So far she had done absolutely nothing but screw things up with Faith… and now she was afraid that in letting her go through with this ritual, she was making her biggest mistake of all…