Episode Three: The Spellbook: Rosie's Egg-venture (With Liana-Wolfe.)
(Material: Oh man, have you seen your review page? That was hilarious.)
(Bhaal: Uh...yeah.)
(Material: Oh...right. We're doing The Spellbook now...is this gonna be a problem?)
(Bhaal: No, I'm fine, I'm good to go.)
(Door Opens)
(Liana: What are you guys doing in the back closet?)
(Material: This is where we record.)
(Liana: Oh...well budge over, I'll join in.)
(Bhaal: ...Okay.)
Everybody was surprised with the odd present that Santa delivered to Rosie for saving Christmas. It was an egg, but not a normal one: it had the size of a small melon.
(Material: Wow, that must be a Grade Z egg. That would make an awesome omlette!)
"What the hell is this?" asked Rosie in confusion.
(Liana: Hey, watch your mouth young lady!)
"Don't you see it? It's an egg!" said Peter. "Geez, this kid is really dumb"
(Bhaal: And you aren't?)
(Material: I think we already used that joke before.)
"We already know that" said Meg annoyed with her dad's attitude.
(Liana: See? Even they know what joke you've used.)
"I've never seen something like this before" said Matt, (Bhaal: Apparently he didn't know.) as he took a closer sight of the egg.
"And what the hell I'm supposed to do?" asked Rosie. "Sit on it until hatches?"
(Liana: That would be a funny sight to see.)
"That leads to another question: What's inside the egg?" said Brian. "Because I'd bet all my pot that there isn't a chicken inside. And I also bet that it's dangerous"
"So, what are we going to do with it?" asked Lois.
"Santa told me that I'll enjoy this present as much as having a little sister"
(Bhaal: Twincest! The definition of "fucking yourself".)
commented Rosie. "Maybe it's a pet"
"But we already have a pet" said Lois. "We have Brian. And this is not a pet. It's only an egg. And we don't know what to do to hatch"
"Hatch?" asked Matt. "That's the same as born, right? Then I know somebody who maybe can help us. LIFE!!"
(Material: Get one!)
A flash of white, silver light filled the whole room, and Life appeared from it.
"Did somebody call me?" said Life. "Oh, the Griffins. We didn't see since Meg's labor. And I guess that this lovely little girl is Rosie" said Life with a giggle as she held her in arms.
"Yes, we did" said Matt. "We have a problem that you may solve"
"What is it?"
"Santa brought me this" said Rosie as she handed Life the box with the egg on it. "Do you know what is it?"
(Liana: It's that new brand of sex toys for the fisting fetishists.)
"Oh my…!" said Life in surprise. "It has been long time since the last time I saw something like this…"
"Will you stop increasing our already big excitement and tell us WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?" said Stewie.
(Liana: I just told you.)
"Mmmmmm…no" said Life, and she saw everybody going nuts for what she said. "I'm going to let you discover what it is" said Life with a little grin.
(Material: You are such a bitch!)
"God, I really hate that woman…I don't know how Death can stand her" muttered Stewie.
"Me neither" said Death offscreen.
"I HEAR THAT!" shouted Life. "Anyway, you said Santa Claus brought it to you? Well, you only need to touch it"
"What?" said Rosie.
"Just touch it" said Life.
(Material: C'mon, it'll be loads of fun...but don't tell anyone.)
Rosie touched the egg, and she got a shock.
"Ow!" said Rosie, before quickly sucking his finger. (Bhaal: Rosie's a guy?) "What was that?"
"Because that egg needs a magic boost in order to hatch" explained Life. "The egg will take some time to hatch, so be patient. Well, that's all you need to know. Farewell!" said Life as she disappeared in a flash of white light.
"So, that's it?" asked Meg.
"God, that was more disappointing than that time Barbossa tried to break the undead pirate curse" said Peter.
Flashback
In Isla de Muerta, Barbossa and his crew had gathered all the cursed Aztec gold in its original chest, and now they only need the blood of Will "Bootstrap" Turner.
"At last!" said Barbossa. "We finally gathered all the cursed gold coins, and we dropped our blood except one pirate, Bootstrap Turner!"
The crew began to mutter.
"But I have good news! I've learned that Turner has a son, and I got it!" shouted Barbossa, and his crew cheered up. "Bring Turner's son here, so we can finish this!"
Two pirate henchmen walked to Barbossa holding…Timmy Turner.
(Bhaal: Already I can tell that this is not the same movie I saw.)
"Please, you're doing a mistake!" shouted Timmy. "I'm not that Turner!"
"Ha! Like you can fool us!" said a random pirate.
"Cosmo! Wanda! Where are you? Save me!" cried Timmy.
Meanwhile, in Isla Tortuga, Cosmo and Wanda are totally drunk, in a drinking contest against other pirates.
"I have this weird feeling that we're forgetting about something" said Wanda.
(Liana: Ya think?)
End Flashback
Meanwhile, in some odd dimension between the world of the livings and the afterlife, Lorraine and Jeanne are bored stiff.
(Bhaal: Oh hey, it's the attractive French Witches!)
"God, I hate this place, all the things here are void and strange flashes of light" moaned Lorraine. "Do you think that Miriam will revive us soon?"
"Trust our sister" said Jeanne, pretty confident. "She's powerful and intelligent. And she told me that she had a plan for come back to life"'
(Material: I think it involved a dead rooster and a full moon.)
Suddenly, Miriam appeared in front of them.
"Hi sis" said Jeanne. "How was it?"
"What do you think, dumbass?" said Miriam pretty upset. "God, I can believe that I was beaten by two 1 year old little girls…" muttered.
(Liana: Man, how pathetic are you?)
"So, what are we going to do?" asked Lorraine. "We can't be here forever!"
"It seems that we must think in something" said Jeanne. "However, since I possessed that Jillian girl my intellect has been greatly reduced"
(Material: Well now the boys will like you.)
Suddenly, Miriam shut up and stood there totally motionless.
"Miriam?" asked Jeanne.
"Are you okay?" asked Lorraine.
"Shut up!" commanded Miriam. "Don't you feel it?"
"Feel what?" asked Jeanne.
(Bhaal: A buzza from down unda.)
"A powerful energy source has been activated (Bhaal: Ooh, I called it, how awesome am I?)…and its energy is the same as us!" said Miriam, cheered.
"Have you located it?" asked Lorraine.
(Material: Yes, but you're not gonna like it.)
"Yes! It comes from the Griffin house!" said Miriam.
"It's our book?" asked Jeanne.
"No, it's something…different" said Miriam. "Fortunately, the Griffin house was impregnated with the spellbook's magical energy, so we can go there. Let's go! That may be our chance to come to life again!"
(Liana: Hooray for defying death!)
And thus this, the three witches teleported to the Griffin house, ready to carry out Miriam's plan…
The very next day, Rosie and Stewie were happily watching TV on the living room, unknown to them that today, their parents had planned something very special for them. Something that almost every toddler feared. Something that, somehow, let the kids to discover the adult's cruelty. But now, some filler, um, I mean, cutaway, that I've been long time preparing.
Cutaway to TV
(A/N: It's a movie commercial, italic is the narrator)
We see some Near East medieval like city, with its inhabitants, buildings, shops, guards, etc…and we see a figure jumping from roof to roof.
The monarchs of Persia were the most powerful kings of a great empire that extended across a whole continent…
Now we see some princess being kidnapped by some bad guys dressed with back Arabic clothes, wielding scimitars.
But what can a King do when somebody steal his most precious treasure?
The image switches again to the mysterious figure jumping from roof to roof, except that this time the camera is closer to him/her.
The power of a King is greatly eclipsed by the power of a warrior, the power of a hero, the power of an adventurer, the power of somebody who doesn't fear death…
We see the mysterious guy, in the top of a tower beating up some bad guys. After he's done with it, he approaches the captive princess.
The power of…
"Girl, if God created something anything more beautiful than you, I really hope that he kept it for himself" praised the man to the princess, ruining the awesome climax.
Will Smith…
Then the camera switches to some random action scenes mixed with other scenes of Will acting like an idiot, in front of females.
…starring in one of the probably lamest crossovers of the story of cinema (even worse than Alien vs Predator 2)…
More random scenes of the movie…
He is…
"Um..You a little freaky-deeky ain't you?" said Will to a huge monster.
…the Fresh Prince of Persia.
Coming soon…
(Bhaal: Hey I love those games. How dare you satarize them Ander!)
End Cutaway
"My god, what the hell was that?" asked Stewie, disgusted.
"It seems that Will Smith is lowering his standards, which is sad" commented Rosie. "I can believe that he's now doing this crap"
"Big time" said Stewie.
Both toddlers stood there for some seconds.
"Wanna go to watch it?" asked Rosie.
"Sure!" replied Stewie.
It was almost time. Lois then walked in the living room and switched off the TV.
"Hey, we were watching that!" complained Rosie.
(Material: Yeah, the headless gnome was gonna cannibalize the rabies ridden deer!)
"You damn vile woman! I demand the reason of this blatant abuse of authority!" shouted Stewie really angered.
"You can watch TV later" said Lois, who was about to drop the bomb. "It's time for you to bath"
Both kids stood there, frozen in shock and looked at Lois with their jaws dropped.
"What!?" said Stewie and Rosie in unison.
(Liana: Jesus, are you guys that deaf?)
"It has been three days since the last time you got a bath, and now you're starting to smell really bad, so be good kids and…" was saying Lois, but she was interrupted by Peter, who just entered in the living room.
"Geez, Lois, if you feel so lonely, why you don't get some new friends?" asked Peter.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Lois, confused. The camera then zoomed out, to reveal that Lois was speaking alone. Rosie and Stewie weren't there anymore. "DAMN!"
(Bhaal: Just a hamster in a wheel, isn't it?)
Peter then frowned.
"Lois, you're acting even weirder than Quagmire in full moon nights" said Peter.
Flashback
Quagmire is having sex with some random woman (A/N: I have the feeling that all my Quagmire flashbacks are just the same).
"Oh, Glenn, you were awesome" said the woman, as she rubbed Quagmire's chest with her finger. "Can we repeat it?"
"Sure we can! I've always said that twice the Quagmire, double the fun! Giggity giggity goo!"
"Look at the sky, it's so romantic" said the woman, who was looking at the night sky through the open window. "The stars, the full moon…"
"What!?" did you said full moon?" asked Quagmire, shocked. His teeth began to grow.
"Yes why-?" but she couldn't finish her sentence, because Quagmire was almost kicking her from his house. "Glenn! What's wrong?"
"It's something personal!" said Quagmire. "But you must go now! I call you tomorrow!" lied Quagmire, who was growing hair around his whole body.
"But Gelnn!" complained the woman, but Quagmire left her outside with her clothes and closed the door. "Fine…" muttered the woman angrily, as she walked away.
"AAAAAAWWWWWWWW, giggity giggity!" howled Quagmire, like a wolf. "AAAAAAWWWWWWWW, giggity giggity!"
(Liana: ...I'm not even going to comment on this.)
End Flashback
Stewie and Rosie were in the back lawn, close to the house's walls.
"God, it was so near" said Stewie, still trembling. "Good one, Rosie. You were really quick"
"We need to think in something fast…I'm sure that they're looking for us right now" said Rosie.
In that moment, Brian appeared there, and looked at the kids with a vacant expression.
"Brian!" shouted Rosie.
"Oh, Brian, my dear friend and partner, you will help us to skip that horrible torture called bath, won't you?" begged Stewie.
"Lois! Meg! They're right here!" shouted Brian.
"Crap! Run!" shouted Rosie.
"You damn backstabber!" said Stewie, pissed. "You'll pay for this!!"
Stewie and Rosie rushed outside the lawn and they penetrated inside Quagmire's house,
(Material: Did he just say penetrated?)
specifically, the basement.
"Okay, it will take some time until they find out that we're here" said Rosie, who was still gasping for air. "This is the plan: we buy some passages to Canada, and hide there until they forget about the bath"
"Canada?" asked Stewie. "Are you serious? I mean, now that I think about it, it's only a bath, and we're taking this too far…"
"Fine. Enjoy your bath!" said Rosie before teleporting to another place, leaving Stewie to his own fate.
"Hey! I mad up my mind! Don't leave me alone!!" cried Stewie.
The camera was still focused on the basement.
"Oh, Glenn, you didn't tell me that you had kids!" said the sweet voice of some random woman offscreen.
"Kids? What the hell are you talking…?" asked Quagmire offscreen before noticing the two toddlers looking at him. "Uh…hi kids"
Meanwhile, inside the house…
"Okay, everything is clear" said Lorraine, as she and the other witches appeared inside the house.
"Quickly, upstairs!" commanded Miriam, and the three ghost witches flied upstairs, and following the eldest witch's path, they entered in Rosie's room. "There it is!" said Miriam, pointing to the egg.
(Liana: You know what? Ander's chapters are excrutiatingly long.)
"Oh my god…it's…it's…" stammered Jeanne.
"Yes, my dear sister. It's exactly what you're thinking…if you're still able to think anything" said Miriam.
Lorraine then turned to the readers.
"No, we're not going to say what is it, so screw you, people!" said Lorraine with an evil grin.
(Bhaal: Oh, come on!)
"Okay, sisters, let's held our hands in a circle towards the egg" said Miriam with solemnity. Her sisters obeyed. "Ancient powers of magic, darkness and chaos, hear our pray, let this egg to be the catalyst of a new form, a new life. Make us of flesh and bones again!"
The egg then began to glow with a warm and golden shine, irradiating pure energy, like a diminutive sun. A huge flash of red light filled the room, but this time it wasn't of the knockbacking, glass shattering class. After it, Miriam, Lorraine and Jeanne were no longer ghosts.
"We did it!" said Miriam with joy. "We're alive again!"
"Hey, those aren't our bodies!" pointed Lorraine.
"What?" asked Miriam, confused. Then she noticed that Lorraine had a body identical to Lois(except that her hair was black instead of red), and Jeanne had a body identical to Jillian, except that her hair was white with black streaks. She then looked at herself in a mirror and saw that she had Meg's body, but her hair was styled the same way than the time she possessed her.
(Material: I can't tell if Ander's being smart or just lazy.)
"Did we return to the bodies we possessed last time?" asked Jeanne.
"No" said Miriam. "But I guess that the possession of those bodies affected us in some way. Anyway, this may not be our true bodies, but they will work. Now let's begin phase two"
(Bhaal: The second out of seventeen phases.)
"I can see the Griffins outside" said Lorraine, who was peeking through the window.
"Excellent" said Miriam. "We will take our book with us. We will also take this egg. The beast sleeping inside it will help us in the future. Now, let's look for my book!" commanded again.
Meanwhile, in the back lawn, Lois and Meg are bathing their respective babies in a big washbasin, while the rest of the family was watching.
"See? Bathing is not that bad" said Lois sweetly, as she rubbed a sponge against Stewie's body. "You'll feel clean and fresh after it"
"I don't know why you always have to make such a mess to avoid it" said Meg, who was washing Rosie's hair. "Rosie, I want you to apologize to your father later"
"Why?" said Rosie, covered in lather.
(Liana: Because he doesn't get enough screentime, so we need some way to put him in here, why not?)
"Because you used your powers to throw trashcans at him, that's why!" said Meg angrily.
"He asked for it!" said Rosie, pissed, as she frowned and looked away.
"God, that kid has a really good aim" complained Matt, as he rubbed his injured arm. "And a really bad temper too! I wonder from who inherit it"
Meg then glared at her husband coldly.
"Point proven" chuckled Peter.
"And why are you bathing us here, where everybody can see us?" complained Stewie. "GET OUT, YOU OLD FAG!" (Bhaal: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?) shouted Stewie to Herbert, who was peeking him through his house.
"Oh, don't be ashamed of it" said Matt. "It's a sunny day and people will love to see two cute babies…I stand correct, a cute baby and a funny looking baby"
"HA!" laughed Stewie. "Your own dad thinks that I'm cuter than you and that you're funny looking! How does it feel?" teased Stewie to Rosie. Rosie simply rolled her eyes in annoyance and muttered something inaudible.
Suddenly, they heard a really loud noise inside the house.
"What was that?" asked Lois, worried.
(Liana: Really big rats.)
"Stupid Brian" said Peter. "He must be messing with the garbage again"
"Dad, Brian it's just here" said Meg.
"Maybe it's the evil monkey, who's taking over the house" said Chris with fear, but nobody paid attention to his comment as usual.
(Material: I'm here for you in spirit, Chris.)
"Maybe we have robbers!" said Lois, each time worried. "Peter, Matt, I want you to look inside the house. I'll call Joe"
"Matt, be careful" said Meg with a bit of sadness.
"Daddy, let me go with you!" begged Rosie.
"My brave little girl" chuckled Matt "Don't worry, honey, if there's a thief there, he'll regret of coming here" said Matt as he rubbed her daughter's hair softly.
(Bhaal: Matt's a girl now?)
Meanwhile, inside the house, the three witches are arguing.
"Oh, look what you've done, you dumbass!" said Lorraine to Jeanne, who had tossed (and broke) a lamp.
"Hey, I only wanted to know how this strange artefact works!" replied Jeanne. "It's no big deal"
"God, no doubt why Miriam trusted me the egg" said Lorraine.
"Sisters, I have the book!" said Miriam as he walked downstairs, carrying the spellbook. "Let's get out of here"
Suddenly, Peter and Matt walked in the living room. The witches stared at them for some seconds.
"Oh, it was only a black haired Meg, a black haired Lois and Brian's stupid but awfully hot girlfriend" said Peter nonchalantly. "Hey, I though that you were outside washing your kids"
(Liana: Uh...we were...we came in too...oh damn I need an excuse...have an all girl three way.)
"Oh, hi, big man" said Lorraine s she blushed.
"What the hell?" asked Matt, before realizing what was happening there. "GET DOWN!" shouted Matt as he tackled Peter to the ground, before a lightning cast by Miriam could hit them.
(Bhaal: Way to stay on the ball, Matt.)
"Sisters, kill them!" shouted Miriam.
"I could recognize that lousy French accent anywhere! It's Miriam!" said Matt.
"Holy crap! Let's get out of here!" said Peter, as he and Matt ran away.
(Material: Nobody said we'd have to go anywhere. Can't we escape them from here?)
"Get them!" commanded Miriam.
Peter and Matt quickly ran to the back lawn, where the rest of the family was still there. Stewie and Rosie had finished their bath, and they're now dried and fully dressed. Joe was also with them.
"Peter! Matt!" shouted Lois. "We hear some shouts! It was a burglar?"
"Even worse!" said Matt, who bent over, gasping for air. "It was…"
"GRIFFINS!" boomed a dark voice.
"Oh, no, it's Miriam and her sisters!" said Meg in horror. "Wait, why they have our bodies?"
"What the hell is that?" asked Joe, who was aiming at the witches, who were floating above them in their magic broomsticks.
"We finally got permanent bodies, and now we will kill you once for all!" threatened Miriam.
(Liana: Yeah, real original)
"Hey, big man, do you want me to play with your magic wang?" asked Lorraine to Peter in a very seductive tone.
(Bhaal: Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong!)
"Hey, I liked the way you changed 'wand' with 'wang' to make a really clever sex analogy" said Jeanne. "If I wish I could do that too" said Jeanne sadly.
"Step away from my husband, you bitch!" shouted Lois.
"I'm not a bitch, but a witch!" said Lorraine, offended.
"Lorraine, will you stop flirting with that fat guy?" asked Miriam really annoyed.
(Liana: Some people find fat people sexy. I don't really understand them myself.)
"I can help it! It's this freaking body!" complained Lorraine. "I get really horny whenever I see him!"
"Well…you can also vent your sex drive with me if you want…" whispered Brian.
"What?" said Lois.
"What?" said Brian really quickly. "Let's get out of here!"
"Hey, did you notice that bitch and witch sound almost the same?" asked Jeanne.
(Bhaal and Material: *Gasp* They do?)
"Oh, please, no more callback jokes" complained Stewie.
"Yeah, we have enough with Buzz Killington, Herbert, the evil monkey, Cleveland failing with his bathtub and this idiot saying 'cool hwhiz'" said Rosie.
"So, you hate callback/recycled jokes?" asked Miriam. "Then you're not going to like very much the way I wanted to kill you"
"I hope it's not surfing bird" said Lois.
Without saying anything more, Miriam casted a spell on Joe, which turned his eyes red, like he's mind controlled.
"Everybody, form the Crippletron!" shouted Joe.
(Liana: For reasons that are obvious, we are going to skip this section.)
Fast Forward BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................................
The Griffins and the Kennedys rushed to the van and speeded away from their home.
Meanwhile, the Crippletron is fighting with the furious vines. He finally is released, but due to the momentum, he tripped and fell over Cleveland's house, tearing it apart. And do you know what's doing Cleveland right now? Right, he's taking a bath!
"NO no no no no no noooooo!" said as he fell to the ground with his bathtub, that shattered into pieces. "God, I should take a shower instead of bathing"
"Oh, hey Cleveland" said Joe, who was freed of the mind control. "Dude, what have you done with your house?"
Minutes later, the Griffins, the Kennedys and Helen are sheltered in Helen's store.
"Helen, that was amazing!" said Chris.
"Are you a witch?" asked Meg.
"Yes" said Helen. "But don't be afraid, I'm of the good kind"
(Material: Hooray for allies!)
"Well, thank you, old witch" said Matt.
"Who are you calling old, kid?" teased Helen. She then snapped her fingers, and was quickly surrounded by a green cloud of smoke. When the smoke faded, everybody stared at her with their jaws dropped. Helen was no more an old and defenceless lady. She was a good looking woman, maybe in her forties, with a long and wavy brown hair, a gorgeous body and a beautiful face. She was dressed like a witch, with a traditional black robe and a pointed hat, but unlike Miriam and her sisters, her black clothes were adorned with green ornaments and nature motifs, such like trees, flowers or leafs. "Oh, ad by the way, my true name is Daphne. Helen is an alias" said Daphne in a Scottish accent.
(Bhaal: Man, how much more cliche is Ander going to embody for this?)
"Wow, I've been working with a witch so much time and I've never realized of that!" said Meg, in amazement. "Wait a moment, you already knew that I had a spellbook when you hired me, right?" asked Meg, who was beginning to put two and two together.
"That's right, honey" said Daphne. "I've been tracking that book for many years, with no success, until you found it. Then I decided to keep an eye on you, and see which your purposes were. However, when I realized that your use of magic was responsible, all things considered" and Daphne glared at Peter while saying this. "After watching how , with the help of your family, defeated Miriam and her sisters, I had no reasons to keep watching you. However, when I was about to erase me from your memory and go away, you got pregnant" said Daphne, and then she looked at Rosie. "I had some suspects that maybe you'll gave birth someone of our kind. And I was right"
"Well, sorry for calling you old" apologized Matt.
"It's okay, sweetie. Well, you weren't wrong at all, I'm 186 years old" said Daphne, surprising everybody.
(Liana and Bhaal: Wow, we didn't see that one coming.)
"My God! You have to tell Lois which is your secret to keep yourself such a healthy appearance!" said Peter in amazement. "It's a deal with the devil? huh? A deal with the devil? I mean, a deal made with the devil in which he gives you something you want, but the devil becomes the owner of your soul. It's that? A deal with the devil?"
"Wait, what did you mean by saying 'someone of our kind'?" asked Meg.
"Rosie is a witch" said Daphne, as she picked up her close to her face. "A human born with magic powers, but it's not just that. Witches –or wizards/warlocks, in the case of males- have enhanced intelligence and senses, immunity to almost all diseases and illnesses that affect regular humans- however, she's vulnerable to other kind of diseases- and a much longer lifespan. That's why I look so young while having almost two hundred years. And she's quite powerful, which is odd, being both of her parents humans" said Daphne before leaving Rosie on the floor.
(Bhaal: And you say my character's a Mary Sue. You just shot youself up about fifty points right there.)
"I'm not that powerful" said Rosie. "I wouldn't be able to do that things with the plants like you did before"
"Oh, that's because you're not even a year old, but your powers will increase while you grow" said Daphne.
"Thanks goodness that continuity means nothing in this universe and she will remain as a baby for many years, because she could become corrupted with power and slave us, make us to do her bidding and cancel the awesome programs and reality shows aired on Fox" said Chris.
"Still, the way you used those plants earlier, was amazing" praised Brian.
"Thanks. That's because I was trained in magic involving nature, just like many of Scottish witches. I also can understand and talk to animals, like you" said Daphne as she petted him.
(Material: You know, in RPG circles, those are called Druids.)
"Well, actually, everybody can understand and speak with Brian" said Meg.
"Oh…" said Daphne. "How many animals can speak?"
"Only Brian, New Brian, Brian's gay cousin Jasper, our first dog Todd, Death's dog, Ernie the Giant Fighting Chicken, that giant flamethrowing cockroach that keeps saying 'good…good!'…oh, and Arnold Schwarzenegger" said Lois.
"Don't forget Batista" said Matt.
(Bhaal: Who the fuck is Batista?)
"But I guess that if Brian would have a canine daughter with me, and name her, let's say Rose – do not mistake with Rosie- I'm pretty sure that she could speak too." explained Lois.
(Liana: That's...erm...pretty specific there Lois.)
"Brian having a canine daughter with you?" chuckled Peter. "That's the most stupid twaddle I've ever hear"
"Yeah, me too!" laughed Stewie. "Could you imagine that?"
(Bhaal: No, I can't. And for one reason. People don't give birth to puppies.)
"Maybe in another universe" laughed Chris.
Brian then muttered some inaudible profanities against them.
"Anyway, I'm sorry to spoil this hilarious moment, but we have a more important issue" interrupted Daphne. "We have to retrieve the spellbook and the egg Miriam stole from you"
"Do you know what is it?" asked Rosie. "I mean, the egg"
"Yes" said Daphne. "It's a phoenix egg"
(Liana: About fucking time.)
"Finally!" said Stewie.
(A/N: Congratulations to snake screamer)
"Phoenixes are birds that have great power, even if they're still in the egg. Lots of people believed, due to their nature, that phoenixes had the secret of immortality" explained Daphne. "I guess that Miriam and her sisters used the power of the egg to come again to life. But I'm sure that they'll plan to use the phoenix when he's born. Did you activate it?"
"What do you mean by that?" asked Meg a bit confused.
"Phoenix eggs need a magical boost in order to hatch. This boost is produced when a magical being, human or not, touches the egg. Usually another phoenix boosts the egg, but a witch or a wizard can do that too" explained Daphne.
"Oh, that was you mean by 'activate'" said Matt. "Yes, Rosie touched it"
"That's good" said Daphne. "The phoenix is now bonded to Rosie, and he won't obey Miriam. However, she can find a way to corrupt it or break the bond."
"Well, Miriam and I share the same magic energy. Does mean that..?" asked Rosie without completing her question.
"No, It's not the same" said Daphne.
"Well, I guess that we must find those witches and try to defeat them…again" said Peter. "Let's go to the church for get some holy water"
"Wait, it isn't the church burning?" said Chris, as he pointed to a smoky building.
(Bhaal: Aha! Your cliche endings are useless against a plot device!)
"Damn! They're playing hard right now" cursed Matt. "Any ideas of where can we find them, and how can we defeat them?"
"That won't be a problem" said Brian, who was looking something outside. "Look at that!" shouted the dog, pointing to the sky.
The rest of the family went out and looked at what Brian was pointing. They stared at it frozen in shock. Over the town of Quahog, a huge flying castle was hovering, surrounded by dark, stormy clouds.
"Oh, it's just brilliant!" said Stewie with excitement, ignoring for a moment their actual position. Then he pulled out a recorder. "Note to self: build a large flying fortress when I rule the world"
"I may be wrong, but I'd say that Miriam and her sisters are inside that flying castle" said Peter, and everybody stared at him.
(Liana: Hooray for you, genius.)
"Did you find it all by yourself?" asked Brian sarcastically.
"Oh, sure I did" said Peter proudly, who didn't get the point of Brian's question.
"Okay, we already know where the witches hide" said Lois, still staring at the impressive castle. "Any ideas of how are we going to beat them? Because we cannot rely on Holy Water anymore"
(Material: Doesn't regular water melt witches?)
"I'll fight them" said Daphne. "I don't know if I'm powerful enough to beat them, but I'm the only one here who actually can stand in a fight against them"
"Let me help you! I fought Miriam before!" offered Rosie.
"Rosie, no! It's too dangerous for you!" said Meg.
(Liana: Buzzkill!)
"Rosie, you're very brave, but your mother's right" said Daphne. Then she turned to the rest of the family. "While I fight Miriam, I want you to search for the spellbook and the phoenix egg. Miriam's powers aren't a big deal without the book, and she knows it. Once we have it, it shouldn't be any trouble. Fortunately, she'll be busy trying to break the bond between Rosie and the phoenix."
"Wait, how are we going to reach up there?" asked Matt.
"Well, ican go flying in my broomstick, but I guess that I can do something for help you" said the nature witch.
Daphne then cast a spell, and lots of vines grew from the ground, and the continued growing until they reached the flying castle.
"So, Jack and the magic beanstalks" said Brian. "I hope we don't find any giant inside that castle"
"Don't worry, Snoopy" said Stewie dryly. "We'll find EVEN WORSE things than giants up there"
"Well, let's go" said Peter, as he and everybody began to climb through the giant vine.
(Bhaal: And they did it with a smile.)
Meanwhile, inside the castle, Miriam and her sisters are studying the egg.
"It will hatch soon" said Lorraine. "But it's too bad that that brat boosted it first"
"Don't worry, I'll find the way to break that link" said Miriam, pretty confident.
"Sisters! Sisters!" shouted Jeanne as she burst in the room. "We have a problem!"
"Oh, Qui s'est passé? Did you break a fingernail?" mocked Miriam.
"Oui!" said Jeanne sadly. "It looks so ugly…oh, and by the way, we have intruders"
"What? Why didn't you warned us before?" asked Lorraine.
"Because I was doing my nails, silly!" said Jeanne. "Then I broke my-"
"Enough!" shouted Miriam. "We must get rid off of those damn Griffins. Fortunately, I've prepared a few surprises for them…" said Miriam with an evil grin.
(Material: You know, usually witches are prtrayed as hideous, but not here.)
"When was the last time you prepared a surprise for me?" asked Jeanne sadly. "Sometimes I feel like a reject"
Miriam then groaned and placed her hand on her face.
Back to the Griffins, they've just finished of climbing their way to the castle, and they're now inside it.
"Well, now, please, follow my steps and don't do anything stupid" advised Daphne. "Do whatever I do"
"Do whatever I do" repeated Chris.
"You don't have to repeat everything I say" said Daphne annoyed.
"You don't have to repeat everything I say" repeated Chris in the same tone.
Lois then elbowed him in the arm.
"What? She said that we must do whatever she may do!" said Chris as he rubbed his arm.
"So, if you menstruate, guys have to do that too?" asked Peter.
Daphne groaned, really pissed, and placed her hand in her face.
"You just follow me and do whatever I SAY to do, and don't do anything stupid, okay!?" asked Daphne.
"Hey, you don't have to scold us like that!" said Peter, offended. "What do you think we are, retarded?"
(Bhaal: .........Yes.)
"Listen, the witches should know that we are here, so be careful. We have little time for taking back the book and the egg" said Daphne, ignoring Peter's last comment.
They interned through a dark hallway, walking in silence. The hallway was barely lighted by some torches.
(Liana: When is this chapter gonna end?)
(Bhaal: I don't know, but we've been here for about two hours now.)
"They may be witches, but they know nothing about electricity" remarked Brian dryly.
"Well, what can you expect from people who actually were in another dimension since the year 1200" said Matt.
"Well, Miriam and her sisters build this castle back in the Middle Ages, using nothing but magic and poor-quality materials. They've ruled France with an iron fist from this fortress for 18 years"
"Wait, how does that could happen but never mentioned in history books?" asked Lois.
"Inquisition burned all of Miriam's possessions (except the book, who was stolen by an unnamed thief), and forbade everybody to talk about her. But I though that they also destroyed this fortress. I guess I was wrong"
"Hey, what's that over there?" asked Meg as she pointed to a nearby room, which was poorly illuminated.
"Hey, I think that's the egg!" said Rosie with joy as she dashed frenetically towards it.
"Rosie, no, wait!" shouted Daphne as she and the others ran after her. They entered in the large room with the phoenix egg on a pedestal.
"Here you are!" said Rosie, cheered. "I was very worried, now let's get out of here"
However, when Rosie was about to recover her precious would-be pet, the pedestal lowered to the ground, sending the egg to a chamber in the lower floor.
"What the deuce?" asked Stewie.
"Quickly, to the lower floor!" said Matt. However, the door which they used to enter in the room suddenly closed, trapping the family inside.
(Material: [Sarcastic tone] Wow! I never expected this to happen.)
"Soyez le bienvenu, Griffins" said Miriam(who was holding the spellbook) as she and her sisters appeared in the middle of the large room. "We've been waiting for you"
"Oh my God, it was a trap!" said Peter.
"Peter, would you mind to stop pointing out the obvious?" asked Brian really pissed. "You're even worse than that remake of Citizen Kane featuring Kane"
Flashback
(Because I don't want to butcher one of the best movies on history, this flashback was removed)
(Liana: What does that have to do with Citizen Kane?)
…
(After finding that his flashback was removed, Kane chokeslammed me)
End Flashback
"Now, prepare to die!" shouted Miriam as she and Lorraine and Jeanne got ready for the upcoming battle.
"Remember, keep out of the fight" said Daphne. "Try to find a way out of here"
"DIE!" shouted Miriam as she cast a lightning on Daphne, which she quickly dodged.
(Bhaal: [imitating Rosie's voice] Aw! Why can't I do that? This book has more plot holes then a-)
(Material: No!)
Daphne took something from her pockets, and tosses it to the floor; it were a bunch of seeds. However, after casting another spell on the seeds, they quickly grew into three dire piranha plants, that attacked the three French witches with firballs and bites. However, Jeanne cast a frost wind that froze the plants, which were finished off by a fire wave cast by Lorraine.
"You'll need more than a lame Super Mario Bros. reference to defeat us, hippie witch!" mocked Miriam.
They resumed the fight, however, Daphne was onto a loser, because she spend more time dodging her enemies attacks rather than attacking.
(Bhaal: You're a nature user! Shapeshift!)
"Peter, we must do something to help her!" said Lois. "There's no way she can't win alone!"
"Yes, but what can I do?" said Peter. "I could seduce her, but then you'll bitching me for that for a whole month"
"Maybe we could do like the last time we fought them and use some of our traits they inherited from us in our advantage" said Matt.
"Good idea!" said Brian. "Hey Jeanne, if I have seven cookies, and I eat one, how many cookies are left?"
"Ha! You won't catch me with the same trick twice!" said Jeanne pretyy confident. She then took out a calculator, and did the operation. "Six cookies left!" said Jeanne proudly.
"Damn! They covered their weak points!" shouted Brian in frustration.
"Hey, maybe I could escape through that ventilation tube!" said Rosie, looking at the entrance. "Quickly, mom, help me to reach there!"
"Okay, but be careful" said Meg, worried about her.
"Don't worry. I'm a witch after all" said Rosie, who climb her way to the ventilation tube, and got inside it.
(Liana: Actually, you're just a superpowered baby that doesn't have a specialty yet.)
Meanwhile, the battle of the witches continued, with no progression from Daphne.
"This isn't good!" said Matt. "Come on, we must think something!"
"I got it!" said Brian, before smacking Stewie really hard.
"Awwwww!" cried Stewie. "Brian, what was that for? You're such a mean dog! WAAAAAA!WAAAAAA!" began to cry Stewie.
Lorraine then heard Stewie crying and turned to him.
"Stewie!" shouted Lorraine. "What the hell did you do to my Stewie, you fiends?"
Lorraine then flied towards Stewie, got off her broomstick, and began to comfort him.
"Oh, don't cry, mommy's here…" said Lorraine sweetly, before being dropkicked by Lois.
"Stay away from my son, you fake hag!" shouted Lois angrily.
(Bhaal: BURN!)
"Stewie is MY son, you bitch!" shouted Lorraine.
Lorraine and Lois then engaged into a catfight, hitting, biting, scratching and smacking each other merciless.
"Good idea Brian! It seems that Lorraine also inherited Lois' maternal instinct. That will make things easier for Daphne" said Matt. "Now we must think in another way to…guys?" asked Matt when he realized that neither Brian nor Peter were listening to him.
"Just…wait a minute" said Brian, who was drooling along with Peter at the sight of the catfight. "Okay, what did you say?" asked Brian.
"Brian, Jillian is your girlfriend. You must know something about her that may drive Jeanne out of the battle" said Meg. "Quickly!"
"Okay, let me think…" said Brian, as he tried to remember what kind of things Jillian is fond of. "Well, she likes a lot crappy programs aired on MTV and Fox's reality shows"
"That would be great, if we had a TV" said Peter. "However, how can you expect from a dog" said Peter in shame.
"Let me try something" said Chris. "Hey, Jeanne, look, a flying pig!"
"Where!?" asked Jeanne, as she began to look around. "I don't see any flying pig!"
Daphne took advantage of the distraction, and summoned another vine that hit her really hard, throwing her out of her broomstick, knocking her unconscious.
(Material: Ha ha ha, what a ditz.)
"Good job Chris!" said Meg. "Only one witch to go!"
Meanwhile, Lois walked to them, full of bruises and scratches, with her clothes tattered.
"Well, that must learn that bitch not to mess with my family" said Lois. "Did I miss anything?"
Suddenly, the door opened, and Rosie entered in the room, carrying the egg.
"I've got it!" shouted Rosie with joy. "I've got it back!"
"NO!" shouted Miriam. "How a simple kid could defeat all my guards?"
"Guards?" asked Rosie in confusion. "There wasn't any guards…this place is totally empty"
(Liana: You're kidding right?A massive castle, and you three are the only one's there?)
"Anyway, I'm not going to let my plans ruined by a kid AGAIN!" yelled Miriam, as she ignored Daphne and flied towards Rosie. However, her charge was interrupted by Meg, who dropkicked her, knocking her out of her broomstick, and tossed the spellbook.
"And I'm not going to let my daughter to be threatened by a magical whore again!" said Meg in a defiant tone.
(Bhaal: You know, since she looks like you, you just called yourself a whore. Just pointing that out.)
"How dare you to…?" was about to say Miriam, but she was again interrupted by Meg's punch, which knocked her over.
While doing this, Matt lose no time and snatched the book.
"It seems that you've lost, Miriam" said Daphne as she walked menacingly to her.
"Oh, this isn't over!" said Miriam. "You've win this battle, but I'll be back soon!"
Miriam then cast a spell that teleported her and her unconscious sisters away.
"They escaped…" said Meg. "Do you think that they'll be back?"
"Oh, sure they will" said Peter. "Just like James Woods and Ernie the giant chicken. However, there's nothing to worry about. We will beat them again"
"Let's get out of here" said Brian. "This place creeps me out"
"It would be a pleasure" said Daphne, before teleporting everybody out of the castle.
Hours later, the family is in Rosie's room, looking closely at the egg, who was about to hatch.
"Look, the shell is cracking!" said Rosie.
(Liana: This story is full of people who state the obvious.)
During a minute that seemed interminable, the creature inside the egg fought against its prison, in order to break free. He finally succeeded. The phoenix hatchling looked like a newborn chicken, except that this was a little bigger and had red plumage.
"Awwwwww…." Said everybody, after they saw the newborn phoenix.
"Well, Rosie, this phoenix is yours, so how are you going to name it?" asked Matt.
"I'll call him…Flare!" said Rosie.
(Material: Real original Rosie.)
"Well, it seems that this family has a new member" said Lois. "Although it's not a human"
So, after a dangerous trip, Rosie finally could enjoy her Christmas present. However, Miriam won't gaie up that easily. She's now in another hideout planning her revenge.
"Damn griffins! They'll pay for this!" growled Miriam. "Lorraine, Jeanne, come here! Now!"
Lorraine walked to her, but Jeanne didn't came.
"Where the hell is Jeanne?" asked Miriam.
"Don0t know. She said that she has some issued to do…" said Lorraine as se shrugged.
Meanwhile, at Jillian's apartment…
"So, you always wanted a twin sister? Me too?" said Jillian.
"Yeah, we have so many things in common!" giggled Jeanne. "Tell me more things you like"
"I love Laguna 't you think it's the best program on TV?" said Jillian.
"Big time!" said Jeanne.
"In fact, tonight there's a 5 hour Laguna Beach special, wanna watch it with me?" asked Jillian.
(Bhaal: Quick! Material, Liana, RUN!!!!!)
"Sure!" said Jeanne as she turned on the TV.
Nathalie, still in the living room, has overheard the whole conversation andthen walked to her room. She then pulled out her cell phone and dialled a number.
"Meg?...this is Nathalie…is okay if I sleep at your house tonight?"
(Liana: Yes Nathalie...run. Well that was piss easy. I can't believe you guys get traffic for this.)
(Bhaal: I suppose it would be easier if we used ghosts and updated only every two months?)
(Liana: There's a little more to it than that.)
(Bhaal: Whatever. I could do that no problem.)
(Liana: Sure you could. See ya later, murder child.)
(Door opens, footsteps, door closes.)
(Bhaal: What did she say?)
(Material: [sigh] Okay, in the game, Baldur's Gate, a Bhaalspawn is the child of the Lord of Murder, Bhaal. I believe she was meaning it as an insult.)
(Bhaal: Well, let's see how long it takes before I invite her back then.)
End Episode.
Congratz to Liana Wolfe for winning the contest. There will be another one after a while, so keep looking at those new chapters, and answer the questions we give. We'll have to make them harder next time.)