AN: I really think I should change the title of this story, as it has once again changed direction and now has absolutely nothing to do with phoenixes. Phoenixes as a representation of fire maybe and Ashes certainly belongs but on the whole I think I should probably just call it 'Ashes'. Hmmmm...
Important: Okay I just want to point out that this is not meant to be totally accurate where Japanese culture is concerned. The religion aspect especially has been twisted for my own convenience. Also, I am not a religious person so don't see this as some kind of busied view or something – I don't know just don't go shouting at me for things that are meant to be there.
Phoenix's Ashes
Chapter Five
He hated trains. All those damned people pushing and shoving their way through the carriages. He had never been good with people and claustrophobic didn't even come close to describing what he felt like on the bullet train that morning. He had always known he hated trains but they had just managed to hit the list of things he despised.
Yami gritted his teeth as yet another passenger pressed him against the pole he was gripping for balance on their way to a reserved seat. As if he needed anything else to send him over the edge today. Domino City got closer and closer each passing moment; Yami could hear the second hands of the numerous watches ticking in his ears like tiny pendulums. Like slow and steady water torture.
He hadn't gotten the day off work. He had managed to get a week off instead. He had never taken holidays before, he had never been off sick before, and so his employer was understandably ready to believe he had a bad bought of the flu and needed to stay off for a while.
That was the only part that had been easy.
He had forced himself to collect his reserved ticket, ignoring the nausea churning up a storm in his stomach. Getting on the train had been one of the hardest things he had ever done, his mind continuously reminding him of exactly why he had run from the city. Because he couldn't stand the sight of the place that had been both his heaven with Yuugi and his hell without. But a stronger force had pushed him through those sliding doors amidst the throngs of people; a force he wasn't entirely sure was his own strength of will and duty. Perhaps the shadows desired to return as well? Perhaps they were the strange invisible little tugging fingers on his jacket?
The train slid to a stop and with a jolt of panic and nerves Yami realised just where he was. The end of his journey. Domino City.
He growled at the people in his way when they didn't move fast enough. If he didn't get off now than he wouldn't get off at all, he'd lose his nerve and stand stock still without any clue what to do. He was moving on blind instinct now, moving forward only into the next instant of time, not thinking of even a second before it just in case his thinking caused some kind of mental break down. He didn't have a clue what he was going to do. Not really. He was letting things happen as they did and only moving with it. He didn't have the strength of will any more to change his own future. He no longer knew what he wanted to work towards. Was there anything to work towards? What was left of his life, really?
He found himself, suddenly, stood outside. In a little side street just off from the station entry, staring up at the dismal sky with a kind of blank confusion. What did he have left to fight for? He had regained his memories, he had his past un-finished scores settled, he had no more fear of the shadows being let loose. The only thing that had been left was Yuugi. To carve out a little niche in life for him and Yuugi was all he had wanted; to keep his Aibou safe and happy for the rest of his life. It wouldn't even have mattered if Yuugi didn't love him back, he would have continued to protect him and love him just the same.
But that, apparently, had been too much to ask.
Chuckling bitterly to himself he dropped his gaze from the afternoon sun and onto the grey pavement at his feet. Thinking certainly had been a bad idea. But what to do now? He wasn't ready to go back to the cemetery yet. He didn't know when he would be, in four years he hadn't come close to being ready, and he doubted that just because he was so close he would be able to swallow back his self-pity and loathing with a simple deep breath. A strange fear he couldn't understand that had built up without his notice bubbled just under the surface at the thought of visiting his Aibou's grave.
There was something deep inside that had become terrified of it. Of what it meant.
He spent the whole day, instead, wandering around the city streets. Trying not to take notice of the things that jolted his memories. Trying to avoid the areas he had fought in during Battle City. Ignore the arcades and fast food diners that had been their favoured hangouts when they were all younger. He had thought he would have been able to handle this better, after four years he would have thought that it would have been bearable. But the memories and emotions that had become dull and faint during his time away were returning with a vivid and brutal clarity at the sight of the city he had spent so much time in. It was a good thing he had run, he mused silently, he would never have survived such raw reminders of what he'd lost.
Otogi's huge; ever-expanding game store loomed above him. The multitude of screens displaying various individual advertisements for the games the store sold and live previews of duels flashed their colours before him. When was the last time he duelled? He had played numerous times after the ceremonial battle, won a fair amount of money through tournaments to help with Yuugi's university funds, but not for a very long while had he taken it seriously. Not since Yuugi's death had he even considered playing. He couldn't even remember his last victory.
Yami sighed heavily. Not that he was considering playing now, but it would have been nice to watch a match. No one recognised him these days, not with the way he dressed and pulled his hair back. If someone did notice something of a resemblance they just passed him off as a fan. The famous, unbeatable game king had been missing in action for years, everyone assumed he'd left the country to lay low and live the rest of his life in relative peace. Well that was almost true. It wasn't exactly much of a life was it? Nor had he left the country, it had taken him long enough to adjust to Japan when he'd rejected the afterlife, for him to even consider learning a third language and culture.
Yami turned from the grand entrance to look up at the mountains rising in the distance, squinting in the late afternoon sunlight. The cemetery was situated on the rise, where no one could realistically build anything else, it wasn't anything huge but he could see the uniform pattern of the trees and paths even from here now that the day had cleared up of clouds. He should go now before it was too late. He didn't fancy visiting a graveyard at night despite the fact that he had once been a spirit himself.
A sudden gust of warm wind blew up from behind him, lifting his coat tails as if tugging on them. Yami set his face into a determined scowl; he had gotten this far without a breakdown, he could make it to the end without one too.
Other than the predictable growth of the trees there was very little difference in the graveyard from what he remembered. There were new stones and memorials to be sure and the older ones had become worn with time and the eroding weather but on the whole the cemetery remained the same.
Bypassing the shrine Yami made his way through the cold reminders of life, weaving in and out of the smaller shrines and following the well-worn path towards the incline he remembered by heart. Ignoring the urges to turn back on himself and go back to where he'd come from. Yuugi deserved at least this. He deserved at least for Yami to visit the place he'd been put to rest.
Yami finally reached the old oak tree with a thick cold wall protecting his heart, using sheer force of will to keep an emotional breakdown at bay. It was both worse and better then he'd thought. He honestly hadn't known what he had expected to happen when he got here. Part of him had believed something huge and life changing would appear before him. That he'd either breakdown completely again like he had after the funeral or that some big revelation would clear his mind and lift his heart so he could pick himself up and carry on with life as if he didn't have that huge torn scar down his soul where Yuugi had once been connected to him. But it was surprisingly… disappointing. The Japanese oak leaned a little more to the left then before, its branches were a little more gnarled and twisted under the leaves. The white marble stone was a deeper grey now, soft green moss clinging to the base and sides, the words engraved into it not quite as pronounced or sharp as he remembered. The ashes that had been Yuugi's remains had long since returned to the earth or been blown away by the winds. It was all strangely innocent. He found he didn't need to worry about any kind of breakdown. In fact he felt strangely relieved for a reason that was beyond him.
The warm wind that had been blowing persistently from behind him since he set off from Otogi's shop finally died down to a barely felt breeze as he walked forward to kneel on the damp ground before the gravestone. Tracing Yuugi's name with his fingers with a bitterly sad mile crossing his lips, for the first time in a long time his hands did not shake, he couldn't help but laugh slightly.
"I don't know why I feared coming here." He spoke to the air, as if Yuugi could hear him, "I've been such an idiot, Aibou. Unable to muster even the strength to buy a train ticket. If you could see me I know you would be disappointed, I haven't become who you always said I could. I'm not as strong as you believed. There's nothing but emptiness now, Aibou, without you there. Nothing but silence and nightmares."
He sighed out a laugh, dropping his gaze from the name to the moss covered base. He felt calm, and that wasn't what he had expected, a strange calmness had descended over his frayed nerves. Allowing him to breathe again after a long period of suffocating. Blinking away tears he noticed an irregular lump the moss was steadily blanketing over. He could see glimpses of clear glass through the gaps in its growth.
Yami blinked as he remembered the glass rose he'd placed here before he left. Pulling away the moss he picked the rose up from its bed of dirt and stone, using his sleeve to clean it as best he could. It was a little tarnished and duller from when it was new, the rain and nature obviously having peeled away the layer of varnish that gave it its sheen. It was cold in his fingers as the frozen petals and thorns glinted in the late afternoon sun.
"I wonder if the others have been to visit." He asked the air, wondering about the fate of Yuugi's friends for the first time in a long time.
Twirling the rose by its stem he shifted so he could lean his shoulder against the stone, not caring about the cold water seeping into his clothes from last night's rain sodden grass.
"I am sure you have helped them move on already." Yami smiled, thinking back to his request that Yuugi's spirit guide them out of their grief. "How is heaven treating you?" he continued talking again as if Yuugi was listening, "I am sure your wings outshine Ra, little angel, and that all the gods are jealous of your beauty and purity."
He leant his head back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes to block out the pale blue sky. Feeling as if he'd been waiting for this moment of clarity for years.
"Perhaps one day," he muttered with a yawn, unable to remember the last time he felt this relaxed, "when my life finally ends, they will let me see you again. If for only a moment before they place my spirit where it belongs. I would never be pure enough to stay with you. My angel."
He drifted in and out of sleep for a while. Strangely comforted by knowing where he was. Too comforted really, considering the awkward position. He wasn't sure how long he remained in that state, just feeling the undercurrents of his unconscious trying to pull him down only for his conscious mind to bring him back up into a vague awareness, but when his closed lids were suddenly hit with too much heat and light, enough for the backs of his eyelids to turn red and hot, he realised that he couldn't stay here all night.
With a pained groan of protest Yami finally gave up sleep and cracked open an eye to the full glare of the setting sun. It hadn't really been sleep anyway, just a pleasant doze. The first thing he noticed was how uncomfortable it was leaning against a gravestone, his neck cricked painfully to one side. He waited a moment for his eyes to adjust properly, looking down at the city and the ocean in the far distance. The sun was touching the horizon, setting it alight with reds and oranges, pinks and purples. Dancing over the gentle waves until the light reached land, bathing the city skyscrapers in a beautiful golden glow and melting the sky overhead into a steely blue grey.
How long had he been dozing? No longer than half an hour surely. He felt… strangely warm. And he wasn't sure if it was because of the sunlight or not. The glass rose was still cool in his fingers, although his body heat had warmed it substantially. And there was a soft, slight weight leaning onto his side that radiated heat.
Yami blinked slowly, still not entirely awake, and shifted slightly in confusion before glancing downwards to his right. It felt like someone was curled into his side.
He froze.
Everything stopped. His breathing, his mind, even his heart felt like it had stopped beating. The world around him faded away until he wouldn't have noticed even if the mountain he rested on suddenly became a volcano and erupted, or if the sun actually did crash into the sea instead of vanishing behind the horizon. Someone was leaning on him. Some small, wild haired, pale skinned someone.
Yami's mind flew into a panicked, furious denial. That wasn't Yuugi. Yuugi wasn't curled up into his side with his hand resting delicately on Yami's abdomen. Yuugi was not resting his head on Yami's chest with his eyes closed and breathing in the slow, relaxed rhythm of calm sleep. He wasn't!
The person leaning on him that was not Yuugi was smiling slightly with plump pink lips, shifting slightly so his light weight rested more firmly onto Yami. Slim fingers tugging at his shirt in his sleep. The not Yuugi's body was pale, but not deathly so, and he was completely translucent. You could see through the hair to the grass below and the creases in Yami's shirt from under where the other had nestled his head, as if he was not quite close enough. A ghost? A restless spirit trying to trick him into thinking it was seeing his Aibou by taking Yuugi's shape?
He wasn't sure how long he sat there, frozen in both body and mind, but it could not have been for very long because the sun was in exactly the same position when Yami heard something.
"Pharaoh?"
Yami jolted up, his eyes snapping up to the glare of the sun. He hissed at the pain of his watering eyes before seeing who it was that had shouted. Two figures were running up the path towards him, two very familiar yet grown up figures.
Anzu's hair was longer then he remembered, brushing against her shoulders as she reached him. Her body had grown into a proud feminine shape; not the young woman from before still getting used to adulthood, but a real independent woman who knew where she was in the world. The same could be said for the other person. Jounouchi was a grown man now, his hair was still as unruly, his eyes still feisty and alight, but his features had become less like those of an adolescent and more those of an adult comfortable with himself. Yami would have laughed at the thought of Jounouchi being a responsible adult a few years ago, yet the proof was before him. Stood staring down at him.
They glanced at each other for a moment, Jounouchi opening his mouth to say something before Yami suddenly gasped, his gaze flying to his side where the image of Yuugi had been.
There was nothing there.
"Ph-Yami?" Anzu's hesitant voice made him jump to his feet to stare at the place he had seen the ghost.
He glanced wildly at them, "Did you see him?"
Jounouchi frowned, "See who?"
"Yuugi!" he shouted, "Or – or someone who looked like Yuugi. He was right there. Sleeping. Leaning on me!"
The two exchanged glances that he knew meant more than just the simple 'he's gone crazy' sympathy. Jounouchi spoke, "There was nothing there, Yami, are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure! I'm not… seeing things." He was beginning to doubt himself now, he'd had his suspicions for a long time that he was going a little insane, recent events over the past few months had proved that, what if he really had just been influenced by his overwhelming desire to see Yuugi again?
There was a small bouquet of lilies in Anzu's arms he noticed suddenly, he turned his glare to it, unsure what to think.
"We've been trying to find you." She said at last, "We didn't know where you'd gone and we were going to just leave you alone since that's what you seemed to want but recently…" she paused for a moment, then gestured to the flowers, "We came to see Yuugi since it's been a while since we last visited him, and we needed to ask his spirit if… if he knew where you were."
Not that any of them expected a reply from Yuugi; they had obviously only come to pray for him. With a strange numbness he watched as Anzu stepped up to the gravestone to lay the flowers where he had once again left the rose, Jounouchi following her in a quick prayer to honour their friend. He turned away when they turned back to him.
"I'm only visiting!" He snapped, unused to such conversations these days, "And I saw something! Believe me or not."
"That's why we wanted to find you." Jounouchi spoke slowly, as if reluctant, "There's something you need to see."
News of his return had apparently spread fast through the circle of Yuugi's friends. By the time the three of them reached Anzu's house Ryou and Malik were already stood there waiting for them. The reunion was awkward, he spoke very little to any of them; he resented the two hosts and their spirits enough as it was. Bakura and Mariku had stayed wisely away though, so he only had to bare the sight of the hikaris that weren't his own. He knew he looked worn and tired, the years of loneliness and self neglect reflected in his eyes, but he also knew that none of them had expected him to look any better than that. It didn't really matter either way, it wasn't like their opinions influenced him, very little influenced him these days.
It was surprisingly easy to just block out their tense conversation as he watched Anzu fuss with a silver disk while kneeling before her television. He didn't really take notice of any of Jounouchi's comments directed towards him, he understood that this was supposed to be something big they were showing him and he needed to try and not freak out. Freak out? Did they even remember who they were talking to? What was this supposed to be anyway? They hadn't told him. Did they really think that anything they did or showed him would make a difference to the problem that was his life?
When the DVD was finally started Yami glared at the screen of Anzu's television for a good few minutes, watching the recorded images with a reluctant fascination. He couldn't look away from the sight of his young hikari but he couldn't bare the pain ripping at his chest with a rawness he had forgotten.
"And what is this supposed to be, apart from an attempt to make my grief worse?" Yami growled. But his next words suddenly dried up in his throat when he glanced back at the screen.
There was a second Yuugi there!
No, it wasn't himself when they still shared a body. It was definitely Yuugi. But it wasn't a duplicate of the younger Yuugi from the original video either. It was a second, older one, stood over the image of the first. As if someone had taken a translucent picture, vaguely similar to stained glass, and stuck it over the screen. They could still see the Yuugi underneath; the second one was like a ghost, just stood with its image overlaying the first. Stood perfectly still, as if frozen in time by the remote's pause button, facing sideways and looking up at the blooming sakura trees with a painfully blank expression. The images underneath played normally, the sound was no different and the quality was just the same. But the strangely see-through image remained there.
"What is this?" Yami hissed dangerously. If this was some kind of prank then blood would be spilt all over Anzu's mother's brand new carpet!
"W-we don't know." Anzu replied. "It wasn't like this when we first filmed it. This just happened the other day."
"We can't figure out if it's just something wrong with the DVD or… or not. He doesn't do anything. Just stands there perfectly still like this until the recording runs out." Jounouchi spoke in a strangely quiet voice.
Yami turned back to the screen again. Unsure what to do, what to think, or even feel about this anymore. He just… he stood there? But why?
His next thought was utterly destroyed by what he noticed when he looked closer at the second Yuugi's face. It was clearly very wet. And there was something moving there. Tears. The superimposed image of Yuugi was crying despite the emotionless look to his face. Yami felt his heart begin to beat faster in his chest, surely that ruled out a malfunction in the disk? But then… but then what – ?
"Shit!" Jounouchi suddenly exclaimed, his grip tightening around the edge of his seat. Ryou and Anzu gasped loudly, Anzu bringing her hands up to cover her mouth as Malik joined Jounouchi in cursing.
The image was doing something Anzu and Jounouchi had claimed impossible. It was moving. Not very much and so strangely sudden they hadn't noticed. But one moment it had been staring up at the trees, the next it had turned its head to face them. Yami's heart felt like it had literally stopped in his chest, suddenly finding his gaze locked with a faint image of his dead hikari. The tears were still streaming from the second Yuugi's eyes but everything about him besides that was expressionless. His eyes, once so filled with light, were dull. Empty but with an almost angry look about them, if you were looking for it.
Everything was silent for an instant that lasted for an eternity as Yami tried to understand what was going on. But then, just like flicking on a light switch, there was a loud roaring of fire and suddenly, as if someone had tapped the screen from the inside with a small hammer, a great crack appeared over the glass. The entire surface of the TV screen flared with red and orange fire and Yami's ears were suddenly assaulted by a hot air that whispered, "Come home", before both it and the fire vanished, leaving a black and broken screen behind and a gently smoking DVD player.
He couldn't sleep that night. What had happened, what he had seen, replaying over and over again in his head. Anzu had given him their spare room to stay for the night since he had forgotten to bring any money for a hotel and didn't even have his bankcards with him. He really had left in a hurry that morning. He tossed and turned in the single bed with a restlessness he hadn't felt since the night before the ceremonial battle.
Just what exactly had happened?
They had discussed that question until the early hours of the morning. Well by 'discussed' he meant that he sat there listening to the conversation making occasional contributions, but with a defiant ringing in his ears that made it almost impossible to think clearly. His mind was alive with thoughts. He had barely even noticed when Anzu's parents had come home to see the state of their television and player and hadn't even been included in the argument and frantic excuses for the accident that had ensued.
But Yuugi. What… what was that? Had that really been Yuugi? Or was he just being haunted by some malicious poltergeist? He wouldn't put the latter past his recent luck. As if it hadn't been enough to see his Aibou again in the recording, as if it hadn't been too much for him to handle to see another Yuugi's image behind the screen that by all accounts shouldn't have been there. The others claimed it had never moved before, just like a photograph stuck over a film screen, and yet it had moved when he had been there. It had looked at him! Yami knew he could be being paranoid but he swore that the second Yuugi who shouldn't have been there had turned to look at him as if he'd known Yami was there; he'd looked him directly in the eye, how could he not have known Yami was there!
Yami was cetrainly not a stranger to magic and illusions, but this seemed more real then all of them. It could just be a trick, a cruel prank from a new enemy, but it could also be what he kept telling himself couldn't be true.
Was Yuugi… was Yuugi still here?
But surely that didn't make any sense. His Aibou would have moved on surely. Would have been accepted into the afterlife without his soul even having to be weighed. He was too pure to stay here; they would want him up there with a passion! But what if… what if there was a problem? Something that none of them knew about because Yuugi couldn't tell them.
But then that would mean Yuugi was trying to communicate with them!
Surely not. He was getting way ahead of himself. Becoming far too susceptible to something horribly familiar to hope. And hope only brought disappointment! Whatever it was… it was probably nothing, just the shadows playing with him again. They knew all of his weaknesses. They knew his one weakness. But that still didn't mean that he felt any less uncertain about everything. There was still this huge tug at the back of his mind that was pulling him back towards… home. He hadn't had contact with Sugoroku since the funeral; he didn't know what the state of the Kame Game Shop was. But the words whispered to him, 'Come home', said he needed to revisit the shop before he returned to Kyushu.
Because if the impossible had happened and Yuugi really was trying to contact him then that was where he wanted Yami to go. And it was a risk he could not take by leaving before at least visiting.
He got up and dressed in the early morning; unable to sleep or even doze with his heart hammering in his chest with emotions he tried to fight down. He grudgingly allowed Anzu's mother to force some breakfast down him before asking about the state of the old shop and house. Anzu, with a worried expression, told him it hadn't been touched since the fire. Sugoroku still owned the land and refused to do anything with it for a reason he refused to divulge. It was just an old derelict shell of a building now; the entire place still scarred black with scorch marks.
Yami nodded and left without another word. The sky was overcast and grey again, the clouds dismal and promising rain, but other than that it was surprisingly warm as he made his way down the streets. It didn't take long, he remembered the way off by heart, and the building was even worse than he had pictured it. Just a shadowy hulking skeleton of crumpled walls and beams, part of the upstairs remained, Yuugi's room and part of the bathroom and hallway but even they had been torn apart by the rain and sun. The seasons of four years had taken its toll on the delicate house; old leaves and soil coated the floors and collapsing stairs, the paint was peeling off the blackened walls and what remained of the glass display cases glinted sharply under all the debris. Rubble decorated the rooms as naturally as the rotten remains of the burnt furniture.
It was a ruin now. Nothing else could describe it.
It was a good job the shop had been tucked away, Yami thought, or the city authorities would force Sugoroku into letting them demolish what was left.
He stood there, in the centre of what was once the shop part of the building, glancing at the devastation with a blank look. What else had he expected? It would have been worse to come here and find that there was nothing but a new apartment block or worse. At least there was something left.
But what now? He hadn't known what he had expected to happen. Just like the day before at the grave site it didn't seem like anything had changed or altered within him, no great message from above had come to him. Perhaps Yuugi really had gone.
He tried to ignore the stab of pain in his chest.
Yami stayed there for another couple of minutes before anything actually happened. And he had been looking intently at the filth-covered floor when it began. A tiny flash caught his attention and he swung his gaze up to look, thinking at first it was just his imagination or a small glint of light reflecting off a shard of glass, but then his eyes widened in disbelief at what he saw. All around him tiny little flashes of light, nothing more substantial then glitter falling from a child's homemade birthday card, were sparking over the rubble and ruins. Swiftly turning the building into what looked like a grove of fairies spreading their glitter-like magic over every surface.
There was a swirl of colour, larger flashes of light covering the dismal sky, the groaning of shifting earth and the hissing of shadow magic and blizzard winds filled his ears.
And Yami could only stare in blank shock as the walls of the Kame Game Shop rebuilt themselves around him.
AN: That was really very fun to write. Despite the whole Emo!Yami theme we seem to have developed. And, wow, longest chapter yet by quite a lot!
Please Review!