"Hello, my name is Feliciano and I'm an alchoholic." I streach slightly, pulling at the sleaves of my sweatshirt. The smell of smoke drifts closer to me and I have to pinch my palm to keep the shaking under controll. The room echoes with a mantra of hellos and everyone quiets to let me continue. The guy beside me, I think his name is Lukas, offers me a cigarette and lighter. The smoke calms me.

"This is only my eighth day sober, and it's getting harder to keep under control." I take another drag and notice a couple nods in the circle.

"Yesterday, I bought a bottle of wine and poured myself a glass. I wanted so much to drink it, to devour the bottle," more smoke, more shaking, "but I ended up dumping the whole thing in the garden." A small round of applause sounded with encouraging words.

"What was on your mind? Before and after you dumped the bottle?" The leader-guy asked me, leaning back in his chair.

"Everyone I care about. I thought about how I could get drunk and make them smile. Maybe if I'm my annoying and smily self, I could-" I wiped a tear from my cheek and flicked the butt into the stand-up ashtray, "I haven't even tried to contact anyone since I stopped drinking."

"Isolating yourself may not be the best course of action to take." I bit down to keep my teeth from chattering.

"I don't think I can let them see me yet. Not the real me." More nodds, another cigarrette.

" I think I've finally decided why all this started in the firat place. I was talking to my brother the other day and he told me he was proud of me, that he had always wished I didn't start drinking in the first place." I coughed on a puff and nearly droppd my cigarette, "but he said he didn't really understand why it started. When I was drunk, I could smile. I could forget everything and just breathe. I didn't have to be the stronger person all the time or have to feel like the whole world was relying on me."

I put out my cigarette even though it wasn't nearly finished, " When I had a bottle in my hands, I was in control of everything around me and so utterly out of control that everything just sort of fitted together. I don't want to have a bottle to feel like I can breathe anymore."

The room clapped and a few faces nodded in aproval or understanding. I swirled the coffee cup in my hand and blankly took a sip, the bitter taste making my mouth tingle with warmth. Lukas passes beside me and a woman beside him starts her story for the day. I let the words wash over me and close my eyes. I think of short blond hair and a stern expression, I can almost feel his arms lifting me up to comfort me when my panic attacks become too much. I still remember the day he found all the bottles in my little apartment, how he nearly cried when he found out how I had managed to keep smiling all these years.

After the meeting, I decide to head down to one of the late-night cafe shops. I know I won't be able to sleep tonight, I never can after a meeting. I order the strongest coffee they had and sit as far back in the room as possible, tracing the outlines of his features into the tabletop.

I hear his voice call my name, but I know better than to look up. There's no way it's him, I've been illuted to this too many times. I haven't seen him since that night six months ago, since he nearly cried and I had kissed him. Since we drifted closer and closer and found relief in each other's arms. Since I woke up alone with a tiny note next to the bed and smashed everything in my apartment.

His voice rang through my head again and I clutched my hair to stop the images from coming back. Faster and faster like a movie on fast forwad, I saw his eyes, his neck, his torso. I saw him leaning over me, his lips to my throat.

"Feli?" His fucking voice, his voice, his voice. A hand grabbed mine and tore them from my aching skull. I looked up. His arms come around me and his kiss is fierce.

"I'm so sorry." He breathes and I can't help but cry and laugh and be pissed off all at once. He's come home for me. Ludi's here. He's real.

"I love you."

/

umm, so I hope it's kinda easy to understand how this has to do with obsession. I basically wanted to show Feli being obsessed with HRE being gone and the fact Ludi was so similar looking, he wanted to make him happy. This led Feli to start drinking hardcore to smile everday and Ludi was the only one to see this truth in Feli. He gave him an ultimatum of sorts ,after witnessing how much feli needed help, to start going to AA meetings, or he'd leave. Ludi left until he got word that Feli was actually going and trying to get sober, then he came back.

Sorry if this was super confusing!

And sorry if I got this shit wrong, I've never actually been to an AA meeting -_-

Please R&R my lovely peoples!

~Yulie