Top of the Mornin' to Ya', Diary,
The party was everything but successful, and if anything, was a complete disaster. However, I must say, the events were rather life changing. For you to be able to fully understand what occurred, I must relay what happened straight off the top of my head. Diary, what you're about to hear is rather exciting news.
It was the day immediately preceding my trip with Amy during which I hosted the party. It was to be magnificent, a 'partie-triomphante' if you will. I had spent the previous weeks preparing for the observation of my departure, and to be frank, it was anything but easy. I had planned for a physicist from Cal-Sci to give a lecture that specifically explained the basics of my work with M-Theory, I was able to procure a video from a 1974 lecture with Stephen Hawking, and finally, the most magnificent, was able to get a fully functioning Justice League of America group to join us.
With regards to guests, I had arranged for our usual social group to come, and in addition, Barry Kripke, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zach, and Stuart. Seeing as we were to have exponentially more carbon-dioxide in the enclosed space than normal, I, or course, purchased oxygen dispensers that were to be spaced evenly about the room. I took the liberty of upping the ante with our other safety precautions by reapplying the luminous paint throughout the apartment, purchasing extra biohazard masks, and finally, making everybody retake the CPR assessment with Mona prior to arrival. I was quite positive it would be a blast, Diary.
As the guests arrived at our apartment they were to be met by a shroud of balloons, assorted confetti, and many forms of appetizers, snack foods, and beverages. Food items were arranged by fiber content with regard to caloric value, whereas drinks were categorized by percentage of fruit juice and sugar content. I truly cannot say why I put all of the effort I did into organization as it was quite apparent that the lack of my guests' intellect would ruin my deed; nevertheless, I did, and took a picture so as to ensure that I would remember the occasion.
The first guest to arrive at our apartment was, much to my dismay, Raj. While we share many academic qualities, work together, and have a certain knack for having quality friend time, his alcoholism paired with the exposure to women that he was to receive was a disastrous mix that proved too vile to be resuscitated. He was wearing a black suit affixed with a neon-yellow polyester tie (one that I thought to be especially snazzy). He smiled as he walked in the door, I returned the gesture, and within a matter of seconds, his hands were firmly grasped around the neck of a large bottle of beer.
"So, where's the party?" Raj asked.
"Late," I paused, "How are you?" Raj was just as taken aback as I was at my query.
"Uh, fine, I guess."
Thankfully, Leonard decided to show up before I exchanged anything more with Raj.
"Hey, Raj. What's up?"
"Oh, nothing. I'm excited to be at a party with two couples, a dumbass ex-boyfriend, a lonely self-employed guy, a fiendishly abrasive man with an accent from a part of America that no one has heard of, and Shamy. How are you?" Raj lifted his glass as he finished his sentence, his lips parting in a reasonably hostile smirk.
Leonard eyed him before replying, "Great, thanks for asking."
Leonard then pulled his blazer together in an effort to hide his heinous tie, walked across the room at a brisk pace, took twelve steps outside of the apartment, and knocked on Penny's door. Although I was preoccupied with sporadically sending late-notifications via SMS to the other guests, Penny opened the door in what I can assume was a dress deemed 'ridonkulous' by Rajesh.
"Wow! You look beautiful!" Leonard smiled at his girlfriend as he wrapped his arm around her so-called perfectly formed waist.
"Thanks! You don't look too shabby yourself! But please, Sweetie, take off that damn tie." Penny gave Leonard a stern facial expression that clearly demonstrated the internal angst the article of clothing caused her.
Leonard closed Penny's door and walked her over to our place; upon her arrival, Penny and I exchanged smiles.
"Hello, Penny."
"Hey, Sheldon."
"Hi Penny; it's nice to see you too." Raj gave a longing smile at Penny before going off on some mental rampage.
Penny stared at Leonard, "What's his problem?"
"Well, seeing as he's only had one beer, I'd say Bridget Jones' Diary along with too much Twilight."
"Oh." Penny smiled.
Leonard and Penny (or, to get back at them for the queer amalgamation of Sheldon and Amy, 'Lenny,'), took right to the couch and started watching CNN. As I have no interest in local or national banter, I decided my time would be spent best reorganizing the plastic cups in a rainbow-esque way. As I did this, Raj took the opportunity to recycle his first beer and grab a second, and Leonard found it necessary to peck Penny's cheek. Finally, after an astounding seventeen minutes of late, Howard and Bernadette showed up, Howard in his red pants with a batman buckle, Bernadette in a short dress with tapered flowers and purple heels. Really, Diary, I cannot say why I described to you their clothes; the party must be having some lingering effects.
"What's goin' on here ma' nerd dizzles?" Howard swaggered into the apartment.
"What, you're going for your street-talk again?" Leonard quickly chided.
"I think it's sweet." Bernadette placed a firm kiss on his mouth.
"Hey! He's mine!" Raj shouted from across the room. Everybody turned. "To call sweet." Raj's deep brown cheeks turned noticeably red with embarrassment.
"Oh," Bernadette attempted to reconcile the awkward happenstance, "I didn't see you over there, Raj."
Raj subsequently turned from his location at the counter and rotated one hundred eighty degrees towards the sink.
"Well, anyway, how are you, Bernadette?" Penny shifted on the couch towards her 'bestie.'
"Great! How are you and Leonard doing? And Sheldon, why don't you come join us?"
I moved over from the concessions table towards the congruence of people.
"Well, I suppose the party can start now," I glared at Penny, "You're in my spot,"
Penny shifted her rear end to the right in time with Leonard, and I took the third seat on the plush cushion. Howard and Bernadette then sat down next to us on the chair, Bernadette's petite bottom being applied to Howard's petite pelvis. As I was about to open my mouth, Barry, Stuart, and Zach all showed up at the door.
"Well, herro, Woxanne!" Kripke muttered, slicking back his hair with his left four phalanges.
"Hey Guys!" Zach yelled.
"Oh, Zach," Penny turned her head towards me, her eyes widening as her lips moved apart, "I didn't know you were invited."
"Yeah, Stuart and Krip-uh-damn- Krip-krap and me went to O'Leary's and I almost got close to nailing this one hot chick in the bathroom!"
"Oh," Penny smirked, "Great."
In an attempt to bring the group back together I offered to begin the party's activities, "That is very flattering, Zach," really, Diary, his insolence surprises me at every turn, "Dance Dance Revolution is set up on the PlayStation, Jenga is in the cupboard, and Secret Agent Laser Chess can be set up in four minutes flat. Break."
After my brief interlude Howard and Leonard jumped up to grab the chess board, Penny turned to talk to Bernadette, Zach and his groupies chugged alcoholic beverages, Raj decided he would have more fun if he wasn't moping and waltzed over to Howard, and I attempted to organize everything. Somewhere in the middle of it all, Amy Farrah Fowler, my girlfriend, paraded into the apartment wearing a strapless violet dress that cupped her ample bosom softly and made her caboose as prominent as ever; she was smiling as she stormed into the party, stopping halfway through the complex to stare at the eighteen eyes that were glued to her to say, "I know: this dress is stupendous and my body is ravishing; girls, keep your men at bay!"
Diary, while my initial reaction towards Amy's clothing choice was shock and horror, the reaction amongst my peers changed my opinion: Amy truly did look beautiful. Her hair flowed down her arched back coming to a close near her third vertebra; her breasts sloped marvelously atop her chest; and her smile curved around her head from ear to ear. It made me realize that my relationship with Amy truly had changed. Amy is no longer my friend who is a girl, nor is she my girlfriend with whom I do not interact; Amy is my girlfriend, and I am proud of it.
"Amy," I looked her up and down once more, reveling in the sight of her curving figure, "You look amazing." My voice whispered like a soft breeze against a blooming willow tree, a voice I had never once heard in my entire life.
Amy looked towards me, and at first, showed no change in emotion. Then, when she saw my words had been utterly sincere, she launched herself in my direction. She jumped into my arms (which, if you should know, were not extended), and hugged me tightly. Diary, while I had decided right then and there to cherish my moments with Amy, hugging was something I still struggled with personally. The duration of the caress was approximately three point four-two seconds, plus or minus seven milliseconds; it was hard, but the fact that it was between me and Amy helped console my trepidation.
"Wow, Sheldon! I don't really know what I should say!"
Amy, who was still in her state of glamour, looked me over, smiled enthusiastically, and then took my hand, leading me over to where Penny and Bernadette were chatting about Amy's new look.
"Amy, your dress is stunning!"
"I know right! I saw it at some boutique downtown and just had to have it." She flicked her hair to the side.
At this point, Diary, I tuned the girlish jibber jabber out and turned my head in the direction of Raj, Leonard, and Howard. Their game of Secret Agent Laser Three-Person Chess was under way, and although I was not playing, it seemed as if Raj was taking over the game. He usually takes a casual defensive strategy, waiting to see exactly what the other players are doing before making his commanding first strike. As far as I could tell, his Old Woman was in a position that allowed for him to lash out at either opponent, while also giving him the option of using his Time Machine to get out of the center-area; it was genius. After spending four minutes watching Raj become the first champion of the night, I turned my attention to Zach, Kripke, and Stuart, all of whom were 'hammered.' They had unplugged a countless number of cables from the television (at least four of them being strewn about the floor like a mess of tangled snakes) and were singing along in what even cats could not call perfect unison. I don't know how the others were capable of listening to the offensive vibrations being released into their atmosphere, but to my amazement, everybody else seemed unaffected. After five minutes more of simply gazing upon the others' fun, I attempted to join in on the gossipy recreation that was going on about my living room.
"So, Bernadette, how is your new job at the pharmaceutical company?"
"Oh, Sheldon, she was just telling us about their wedding pictures!" Penny twisted her lip.
"Bernadette, which is more important: your great new job or your husband?" I smiled knowingly at Penny, attempting to use a form of sarcasm I've been developing over the past couple of weeks.
"Yeah, Bernie, who?" Amy playfully tapped Bernadette on the shoulder.
"I guess I can tell you guys later," she turned towards me, "Well, we've made some pretty big progress over the past month. We're trying to develop a formula of any kind, really, that will be able to find the source of premature ejaculation, nip it in the butt, and send the you-know-whats flying out and screaming when they should!" Bernadette giggled shrilly as she finished her sentence, smiling at her husband (who, at the time, had his crotch balanced precariously over a luminescent laser).
"Very interesting. What made you want to take part in a project such as this?"
"It's personal, Sheldon; I'd rather not say." Bernadette sipped at her wine.
"Okay, okay, that's fine," I smiled awkwardly at Bernadette before turning my attention to Amy. "Amy, would you mind joining me over by the fridge for a minute?"
Amy looked up from the conversation she had just launched with Penny about Howard 'in the sack.'
"Oh, sure! If you'll excuse me, my boyfriend would like to have his way," Amy snorted, "have a say with me."
I took Amy by the arm and walked her over to the kitchen, narrowly avoiding the raucous that was going on by the television set.
"It would seem as if you've been so busy chatting up your friends that we haven't even had the chance to talk about our trip together!"
"Oh my God, that's right! I almost forgot!" Amy put down her drink. "These past few weeks have been so busy at work; I haven't even gotten the chance to have a lengthy video chat with you!"
"I'm aware," I smiled, "Have you packed yet?"
"Of course! One mustn't ever be hindered by forgetting one's personal necessities!"
"It's astounding that we didn't find each other sooner, Amy," I sniggered, "I truly am honored and delighted to be in your company for these coming two weeks. The trip promises to be magnificent, the days long and glorious, and my time, if all goes well, romantic."
Amy, at the release of my semi-seductive sentence, breathed heavily, spreading her feminine perfume into my range of perception.
"Boy, you've changed; what's gotten into you? Never once have I heard you say the word romantic, let alone be inclined to induce such activity onto me!"
"Well, Amy, with time, many things can change. As Sigmund Freud once said…" Amy cut me off with a completely unexpected event: a kiss.
The moment Amy's lips met in sweet harmony with mine, I knew that our relationship had broken the barrier through which my partner had longed to jump for many weeks prior to this encounter. It seemed odd at first, but then, as the saliva (which, under any previous circumstances, would have caused neurological-hemorrhaging) made its way between us, my surroundings disappeared. I really cannot say what happened the moments after the kiss, but the room had gone silent upon release, and everybody was staring. After a moment or two of me gazing upon the audience like a deer in the headlights, Penny smiled, and then started to clap. After a brief silence, the rest of the room joined in on the cheer, and as my friends smiled and applauded us, I began to feel an odd sensation in my heart.
"During this moment of utter happiness in which Sheldon has realized his full potential as a human being, a moment which we all thought would be a nightmare rather than a dream, I put forth a toast: to friendship, to love, and to Shamy!" Raj paused a moment more, allowing for the group surrounding him to raise their assorted cups and bottles before speaking again in his increasingly slurred voice, "And before this glorious moment passes, I would like to take this chance to say: Howard, you truly are my greatest and most terrific friend. Even though you are married now, we share some of the best memories I will ever have. With that being said, I think tonight should be another one of those memories."
Raj put down his next-to-empty beer bottle, took two steps forward (two steps that set off three laser simultaneously), and planted his quenched lips onto Howard's agape mouth. This abrupt action caused the room to go into a state of panic; I, on the other hand, overcome with the roar of applause from before, fainted.
I cannot say with absolutely certainty what went on during the fourteen minutes I was out, but by the time I was awoken by Amy (courtesy of two bottles of chilled water, if I might add), Raj was nowhere to be found, Howard had his arms wrapped tightly around Bernadette, Zach and his friends had left to get more beer, and Penny was holding onto Leonard's hand, still in the same position on the couch. I got up off of the floor and headed over towards the group of people, trying to make sense of the turn of events.
"I-what-what happened?"
Bernadette was the first to break the silence, "What do you mean what happened? You saw damn straight what happened! My husband's little Indian friend thought it'd be a hoot and a half to stick his tongue down Howard's throat!"
Knowing that any words, no matter how considerate, that were to come out of my mouth and be directed towards Bernadette would end badly for me, I attempted to address the remaining crowd.
"Well, seeing as this party has come to its inevitable ugly end, I think it would be a good time to spend the last five minutes in a warm and pleasant gathering," I then turned to every individual person, getting them to train their eyes on my laptop. Within seconds of me coaxing the machine to life, my voice returned to the airspace.
"As you have heard many times before, I am not comfortable with prolonged goodbyes, maudlin displays of emotional, or outbursts of falsely guised sadness. As a result, I've prepared this brief video. If you are watching this, the party you have been at for the past few hours has probably reached its inevitable ugly end; although I couldn't know of the exact thing that was to throw this party out of whack, I sincerely apologize for you having to witness the event.
This video is meant to be a catalyst for my departure, smoothing the rough crease that will be left when the glue that holds our special little social group together leaves for Norway. I trust that my three dear friends, treasured acquaintance, tertiary-trio of tertiary men, and wildebeest, will have a pleasant time without me. Although I cannot promise that you will enjoy yourselves without me, I, again, am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Live long and prosper."
Much like I did the last time I left the apartment for a prolonged amount of time (that occurrence, if you'll remember, being my horrific Boseman endeavor), I left the room during the video. On my way to my room I grabbed Amy's hand (as I still needed to talk to her about our plans). I waited for the film to finish playing before entering my room, allowing for Penny's Nebraskan farewell to be heard, Bernadette's sniffles to be snuffed, and Leonard's mouth to be covered. Howard escorted Bernadette through the door and Amy looked towards me. With Leonard thinking he was alone, the short male attempted to catch Penny in a deep and passionate embrace.
"Leonard!" Penny stared deep into the soul of her boyfriend, although, based on the severity of her gaze, I am not positive they are dating any longer. Before Leonard could see Amy and I peeking, we hightailed it on into my bedroom; the front door was then closed, and Leonard was cleaning up from the party.
"So, Amy, we're going to Norway tomorrow!"
It was late, and both of us were quite exhausted, but with the thought of us getting onto a massive hunk of flying metal in the morning, we were doused with an extra shot of endorphins. I wrapped Amy in my arms tightly, held her there for a minute or two, and then let go.
"Yes, Sheldon, I guess we are."
Amy and I somehow managed to fall asleep in the same bed. It was the first time I had ever had a sleepover with a woman who wasn't a visiting scientist; it was nice. While the plans I had had for the party had all been cancelled minutes prior to the beginning, I was rather pleased they weren't there for the fiasco. Now, Diary, I write you from my desk. It's four o'clock in the morning here, but our flight isn't until twelve. I plan on waking Amy in thirty minutes to allow enough time to get to the airport. Before I could get on the plane, Diary, I knew that I needed to write this down. I plan on giving you the latest details of our trip as soon as I can. My laptop will be close at hand throughout the trip, but I will definitely be spending the majority of my time with Amy.
Until then, Sheldon Cooper AFK