author's notes: oh my God you guys, your comments are simply INSANE! that's why i'm dedicating this chapter to all you lovelies. hope you enjoy!
disclaimer: i own nothing. except a bit of the plot.
six: reckless
She's never been reckless, not according to her definition of the word anyway.
Someone who is reckless doesn't think, is controlled only by emotions and isn't capable of making the rational decision when it matters most. Right now Illeana doubts that she can be anything else but rational. This might just be the most important decision in her life.
"Ana, have you completely lost your mind?" Stacey complains. They've been arguing for the past two days. It's gotten to the point where Illeana has packed up her bags, ready to leave. "You don't seriously think you can walk into a nest of vampires and come back in one piece?!"
Illeana realises more and more that Stacey is starting to resemble the sort of people she dislikes. Inside her roommate she finds fear for what she doesn't even understand. That's where Illeana's ratio comes in, she does understand, there's no need for fear of the unknown.
"Stace, please. I'll be fine. I'm safe there." She's told herself this time and time again. Godric and Isabel have kept her safe for the past seventeen years. They will never let anything happen to her.
"Safe from what?" Stacey's eyes go wide. "Think about what you're doing here!"
That's where the little seed of doubt comes in. Stacey was right, her own parents were killed by vampires. Why did she feel so safe around Isabel and Godric? It wasn't reason, it wasn't common sense.
It was trust.
Illeana knows that's probably not the right word. She can't bring herself to admit that it might just be love.
"Isabel invited me, Stacey," Illeana insists, tired of scepticism and people fearing for her life. "I'm not just going to turn her down."
"Why don't you just go live with them then?" Stacey's reaction is much stronger than anything Illeana was preparing for. In Stacey's heart, she finds hatred. It frightens her. "Become one of those fangbangers! I want no part in this."
"Thank you for making that so clear to me, Stacey," Illeana answers with more fervour than she intends. She grabs her bags. "I'm gone."
"No, Ana!" Stacey hurries after her in the hallway, but gives up. She knows her friend's loyalties have always lain elsewhere. It's only now that she knows what that loyalty is that she's scared for her Illeana's life.
Illeana doesn't want to sever all her ties with the human world, but it's the non-vampires around her that force her to chose between a world that finds her too emotional, and a world where she's always felt safe. It saddens her.
"What else am I supposed to do?" she asks her mother, but all her mother does is tear up and look at her the way only a most loving parent can. She knows her mother won't offer her anything rational, but then just maybe she's willing to talk herself into being reckless. Just this once. If it means she can find refuge, safety, love, what's wrong with being a little too emotional?
"You have to do what your heart tells you to do, Ana." Her mother tells her to be reckless, act without thinking, rely only on her emotions. Illeana understands emotions better than most, but right now her own are a mystery to her. "Just remember that you're not one of them."
She knows she's not a vampire, but she's long since realised that she isn't entirely human either. All that she knows is that Godric and Isabel, vampires, are the only ones that never looked at her like she's a freak.
So she goes, recklessly perhaps, but she puts her doubts aside. The house is everything she wasn't expecting. It's light, and open, and well, homey.
"There's someone I would like you to meet," Isabel says, and leads her into one of the adjoining rooms to have a little more privacy. "This is Hugo." The man in front of her is filled with a kindness she's only recognized in herself before, and so much love for Isabel. She instantly likes him.
"Ana," Illeana introduces herself, and puts out a hand. "It's nice to meet you."
"Isabel speaks very highly of you." He shakes her hand. His voice is kind. "Almost as if she was your mother."
"She is. In a way." Illeana shrugs, and smiles. She looks at Isabel, and finds her smiling too. "He is your..." Illeana hesitates, still looking at Isabel. She's not sure what to call him, but it's clear they both feel very strongly about each other.
"Human companion," Isabel answers. The word, companion, resonates in her head like it has always been there, just lying in wait for her to discover it. She wonders in what ways Hugo and Isabel are companions.
"It's not as uncommon as you think," Hugo says, but Illeana still feels a flush warming her cheeks. She's blushing.
"Look what we found hiding down at the Saloon!" a voice sounds through the house. Another two vampires walk into the main living area then, and Illeana immediately recognizes one of them. She never knew his name, Stan, but he stands out still.
"Excuse me," Isabel says softly, bowing her head apologetically. She runs out of the room, Illeana's eyes barely registering the movement. She knows Isabel is having a conversation in the next room, but she can't hear any of it.
"What's going on?" Illeana turns back to Hugo.
That's when she learns more about the vampire world. She's twenty-one years old, and a new world is opened to her. There is hierarchy in the vampire ranks. Godric is sheriff, the highest authority next to the King of Texas, and in this nest, this area, he makes sure his fellow vampires live by the rules.
She's twenty-one years old when she finds out Godric is one of the oldest vampires in existence. Over two thousand years old. Illeana doesn't know what to do with that.
"Godric PLEASE!" a voice resounds throughout the entire house suddenly, another vampire. He sounds scared to death. "I won't do it again."
Hugo regards Illeana with frightful eyes; he has more experience with this; he knows what might be coming. It's only then that Illeana truly realises that Godric is a vampire. She's not afraid, but they have other ways.
She gets up from the couch without thinking.
"Ana, stay here!" Hugo hisses.
Illeana walks into the room hesitantly, but she's determined not to show any fear. There are only four people: Isabel, Godric, Stan, and the vampire pleading for his life. "Ana, you shouldn't be here," Isabel says softly, but all Illeana has eyes for is the vampire on the floor, between Godric and Stan.
"Please don't do this!" He's clutching Godric's legs, while Stan is trying to get him to go along. "I'll do anything, just please, not the tribunal." Illeana never thought a vampire could be afraid of anything; the tribunal must be something truly frightening.
"What's the worst a tribunal could do?" Illeana asks softly, and Godric looks at her briefly. She's not sure, but she thinks she discovers a flicker of worry.
"For the crime he committed? Take his fangs," Isabel shrugs. She looks up at Illeana, who's staring back at her in confusion. His fangs? "They'll grow back," Isabel assures her.
"PLEASE!" the vampire still shouts, red tears flowing down his cheeks. "I'm begging you." Illeana looks at Godric, and she feels her heartbeat rise. He does care, deep down, he's just very good at hiding it. But if this vampire committed a crime, he must be rightly punished.
"What's his name?" Illeana asks.
Isabel stares at her curiously for a moment, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Joshua," she answers after long moments.
Illeana doesn't know where it comes from, this sudden need to prove her worth in a place she's not sure she even belongs, or would be accepted. She takes a few steps forward, breathing steady but heavy, and stands next to Godric.
"You have nothing to prove to me," Godric says softly. She knows, truly, but she takes pity on the pathetic heap of vampire at Godric's feet.
"Ana!" she hears Isabel shout behind her, but before she knows it her hand is moving towards Joshua's face.
She acts.
Recklessly.
"Get your hands off me, you..." Joshua manages to utter before Illeana bows down and looks into his eyes.
"Joshua," Illeana's voice is soft, reaching out to a primal sweet spot even Godric still possesses. She knows that everyone else but Joshua and her are tense, because they don't know what's going on. Joshua doesn't either, but he's looking up into Illeana's eyes, and can't think of anything more to say. "You need to calm down."
Illeana's hand comes to a rest on Joshua's cheek. She's careful, but he becomes complacent underneath the touch of her hand. A light-blue light emanates suddenly from where their skins are touching.
"What the..." Stan wants to stop whatever is going on, but he can't get himself to move. This is too strange. He doesn't believe his eyes.
"Can you do that for me, Joshua?" Illeana asks. She's surprised by her own strength, or maybe Joshua's fear is making him easier to manipulate.
"I... yes," Joshua answers.
"Everything will be alright," Illeana's voice holds its softness.
"Everything will not be alright," Stan protests, and finally manages to take a step closer. "He needs to be punished for what he's done."
"I don't think it's very accommodating to have him screaming the entire way there." Illeana straightens herself out and looks at Stan. There's a lot of anger in him, she can tell, but she feels safe enough with Godric and Isabel in the room with her.
"You better watch that tongue o'yours, little lady. Or I might be tempted to..."
"No. She's right," Godric interrupts, and comes to stand between them. It's curious to see how quickly Stan paces himself. He knows he's no match for Godric. "Stan, you remember Illeana."
"The... the kid?" Stan remembers her all too well; the little snack that had dug its way to Isabel's heart. "The kid Isabel made all the fuss about?" He looks at Illeana and finds no objections there. "That's just great," he sighs, but says nothing other of it. He grabs Joshua by the neck and drags him out of the room.
"You shouldn't have come," Godric tells her softly, after watching Stan making his way out of the house. It has little to do with the rules, but more with his feelings towards Illeana. He doesn't want to put her through anything traumatic. "You shouldn't have to see this." He looks at her briefly, before looking down at the ground.
"I feel safe here," Illeana says, and takes a careful step closer. She's not afraid, but she feels that if she treads too fast, she might crush a silence that's always present. A silence spoken for, and it isn't her place to break it.
"You shouldn't. You can have a normal life." He looks up at her again.
"I'm not normal." She shakes her head lightly, almost imperceptible. Not human. Not vampire. Something else entirely. "I'm not like other people. What I feel, here," another step closer. She only has to reach out to touch him. "In Isabel. In you. It's calm."
"It isn't calm. It's death." Godric sighs, but his eyes settle in hers. "Look into my heart," he says. He can tell she's taking pity on him; he doesn't know if he should accept that.
She does as she's told; she opens up her heart to him and looks inside. Her hand comes to lay softly on his chest. She finds apathy for a world he has ceased to understand, and a world that fear him in return. But it isn't death, far from it.
"You're not empty, Godric." She shakes her head again, taking in a deep breath. "If anything, you're..." she hesitates. He knows it; she knows it.
"Say it," he insists.
"You're lonely," Illeana whispers. She wants to tell him more, show him that she can help him, save him, make him complete again. But he already knows what she means to say.
"I cannot be what you want me to be." His hand covers hers after lazy seconds.
There's a world out there that she can unravel for him, a world in there that he can teach her to understand. She doesn't need him to be anything yet, but she's starting to suspect that maybe soon she'll crave it. His friendship, his companionship. His love.
She doesn't tell him that.
"I can settle for this."
i've never been the praying kind
but lately i've been down upon my knees
not looking for a miracle
just a reason to believe
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