6 The Pain of Losing

Warning: Contains content of a suicide and death. It is not explicit but if you are sensitive to this, perhaps you should skip this chapter.

Amanda closed the door and just stood there, leaning against it. What should she do now? Damn Taylor and his kisses. She wanted him and she didn't like that, not at all. She didn't want to want him. She didn't want to need him. Nonetheless, the apartment felt empty without him there and that scared her.

She went to bed and listened to the sound of Lissa breathing. Did the little girl sense something in Taylor? Something of value, something that was worth holding onto?

How could she put Lissa at risk for love? Or the possibility of love? She refused to make the same mistake her mother did and marry the wrong man. She saw the pain, the constant depression that her mother was in because she loved a man that left her alone with two kids to raise.

Would Taylor do that to her? Would he walk away, leave her alone, broken and bleeding with no one to depend on, to help? Would he turn his back on her when it got hard, on their children?

Their children? What? What was she thinking? She kissed him, that's all and she's thinking children? Does he want kids? She wondered. Did she?

Being a mother is all she'd ever known. She didn't know what it was like to run and laugh and play. She never had the chance. She never had a chance to step off the path and just play and be happy.

Was she happy? Could she be happy with Taylor? After Taylor?

She wasn't stupid; she knew that she couldn't keep a man like him. She was a virgin and he was… worldly. He would grow bored and leave her for someone that was more experienced, more exciting and less baggage. No, she couldn't chance it. If she were alone, maybe, but not when she had Lissa to think about.

No, she decided that she needed to break it off with Taylor Reese as soon as possible. Tomorrow before he got any surer of himself. I'm gonna make you love me? What's that all about?

-

Taylor was feeling good about last night. He had dinner with Amanda and little Lissa and he felt it went really well. He really did like that little girl but he was going over and over in his head how he felt for Amanda. Did he love her? Could he love her already? He'd never loved a woman before but he figured this is what it would feel like.

Just the thought of her made him smile. The image of her sitting on his lap made him hard. He couldn't wait for lunchtime to see her again. When he arrived at Scarpa's shortly after noon, it was packed.

Amanda was busy with four tables and she looked tired. He frowned, why was she so drawn looking? There were shadows under her eyes and they looked puffy, like she was crying. Was she sick? Was Lissa ok? Did he do that to her?

She glanced up and met his eyes and he felt his heart stop. She was sad. Why was she sad? Taylor settled himself in his normal booth in the back corner of the room. Chris didn't join him, which was unusual. Something was going on and he wanted to know what it was.

He watched her through the rest of her shift and wondered what her problem was. The more he watched her, the more agitated he became. Was she gonna run from him? Leave him? Unacceptable. He noticed that she didn't come over to him, not once. She looked a couple of times just to see if he was still there and he caught the glimpse of her discomfort. He knew that she wanted him to leave, which only made him stay that much longer.

He wasn't leaving, he wasn't going anywhere. She better get used to the idea of him, of them, fast. He thought they had somewhat of an understanding from the night before, he must have been wrong. He wasn't lying when he told her that he would make her love him.

She was fighting him again; he wouldn't let her get away from him, not now, not ever. No, when Taylor Reese decided he wanted something, or someone, he fought for it. He'd fight for her with everything he had. The harder she pushed him away, the more he'd dig his heels in. He was stronger than she was, more stubborn, his diligence would win out over hers in the end. He would have her, all of her, everything she could give, and some she couldn't.

When the dining room was cleared and clean, she disappeared. Taylor got up, went into the back room and made his way to Chris's office when she came out. She didn't even glance at him but he saw the tears on her face as he called out her name. She just kept on going as if she didn't hear him. Taylor turned and glared at Chris.

Chris shook his head and said, "It wasn't me."

"Why was she crying?" Taylor demanded. If Chris made her cry, he'd kill him. If she was crying because of him, well… he didn't know what he'd do. Again, that was just unacceptable.

"Think you should ask her that question, Tay. If she wants you to know, she'll tell you." Chris told him and then went back into his office.

"What the fuck?" Taylor grumbled and started after her. He wanted some answers, now.

She was walking down the street toward the subway. Her head was down and her shoulders were hunched over. Where was she going? She lived the other way. Lissa? Lissa's school was in that direction. Taylor ran after her and called her name again before he grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to stop.

"Amanda, what's wrong?" Taylor asked her, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. That was the second time today he had called out to her and she had ignored him. It pissed him off. He didn't do anything wrong to deserve that. He was doing everything he could to make her happy. To take it slowly with them, for her and she blows him off and disregards him. It hurt more than he cared to admit, even to himself.

"Just go away, Taylor. I can't deal with you right now." She told him, her voice quivering.

"Well that's too damn bad 'cause you're gonna have to deal with me." He growled at her; he didn't care if they were in the middle of the street. He wanted answers.

"I can't. I have to go and get Lissa." Her eyes filled with tears again and Taylor felt his heart constrict. Yeah, he was in love; seeing a woman cry never bothered him before. He had seen many women cry and beg him to stay but this small woman destroyed him with a few silent tears.

"What's wrong with Lissa?" Taylor asked mildly panicked. "Is she ok? Is she sick? Get in the van, I'll drive." He said, not giving her a chance as he dragged her over to his van and shoved her in before she could protest any further.

"Lissa's fine, Taylor." She told him softly.

"You better tell me what's wrong, Amanda, 'cause you're starting to piss me off." He told her after he got in and slammed his door. She had his emotions all over the place and he didn't like that. Not at all. He was always so in control, but not with her.

He was sure that she wouldn't answer him so he stared at her. He knew how intimating it would feel and she would cave; besides he wasn't starting the van until she started talking. "What is it? You better just tell me 'cause I'll get it out of you one way or another."

"Taylor…," Amanda's voice broke.

He softened his tone and pulled her to him. "What is it, baby? Tell me, I just want to help. You're breaking my heart." Taylor cooed to her and felt her starting to shake.

"It's my Mother, Taylor. She killed herself." She told him with a small sniff.

"What?" He asked, blinking at her. He was sure he heard her wrong.

"I got the call as soon as I got to work. She… she took a bunch of pills…her depression meds, some pain meds… she's dead. She was only thirty-eight." Amanda told him then tried to clear the lump in her throat. She had always, stupidly, held out hope that one day her mom would snap out of it and become a real Mother, perhaps a good grandmother.

"She was so young."

"Yeah, she had me when she was eighteen…" Amanda said as she felt the tears well up in her eyes again. "Damn it," she snapped at herself, wiping tears from her eyes. She told herself that she wouldn't cry over her mother. She had never treated her well, never really showed her any kind of love, none which Amanda could remember.

"I won't cry for her, I don't want to cry for her, Taylor. She doesn't deserve it. She treated me like shit, why am I so sad?" Amanda asked him, looking him straight in the eyes. His chocolate gaze held hers and made her feel better, stronger. "I have to go and identify her… down at the morgue."

"Were you going to take Lissa?" He asked her quietly.

"I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't have the money for the burial, the state is gonna have to pick that up. I don't even know if she deserves better than that. Oh my God, what kind of daughter am I? I don't want to do this, Taylor. I don't want to see her again, not alive and not dead. She's gone…she left me a long time ago. My mother has been dead for years."

Taylor kissed her gently and held her face in his hands. "Amanda…look at me. You don't have to do this alone. I'm here, I want to help you, let me help you."

"There's nothing you can do, Taylor." She said as she put her hands over his and tried to smile at him weakly.

"I can be here for you; will you let me do that?" He asked her placing little butterfly kisses on her brow.

"I don't know, Taylor… I'm so confused." She turned and looked out the side window. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I'm scared of you, of you leaving. I'm scared of my feelings for you. I'm scared for Lissa, and now this… I can't deal with all of this at once. I just can't…. I don't have the strength… I don't have anything left to give you, Taylor." She muttered as she sat back down in her seat and looked straight out the windshield.

Taylor looked at her for a few moments before he started his van and swung it toward the county morgue. Lissa didn't need to see that. They could pick her up after, there would be enough time.

Amanda didn't speak again until he parked. She blinked, turned and looked at him. "Taylor, where are we?"

"You said you had to identify…"

She sighed, "Yeah," Then started to get out of the van. He fell in step beside her, "Where are you going?"

"With you,"

"Taylor,"

"Just for once, Amanda, shut up and let me do this for you. Just for once don't fuckin' fight me," he told her sternly.

"Ok,"

He grabbed her hand and opened the door for her. Taylor knew the way through the morgue, which was kind of disconcerting to her but she didn't care at that point. She was glad he came. The feel of his large hand, warm and solid in her tiny one made her feel better, stronger. She never wanted to be a woman that needed a man to make her feel better but right then, she needed him. She would obsess over it later.

They came to a small window and a man asked, "Can I help you?"

Taylor spoke for her. "Yeah, we've come to identify someone."

"Ok, who?" The man asked as he typed on a computer.

Mandy cleared her throat, "Um, Jennifer Johnson."

"Are you a relation?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm her daughter, Mandy," she told him. He nodded and then jerked his chin toward Taylor. "He's with me," she told him simply. She didn't have the words to explain what Taylor was to her.

He told them to make two lefts and they would find the morgue. Once they got there, they were to tell the coroner who they were there to see. Taylor knew the drill. He led her back, his hand on the small of her back. He could feel her trembling and he was sure it wasn't because of the cool air conditioning.

The coroner led them over to a row of stainless steel lockers and pulled one out. He pulled back the sheet covering the body and Mandy went numb.

"That's her." She told him, never blinking. "She looks happy… for once." She turned and looked at Taylor. "I could never make her happy."

"It wasn't you baby. She can't hurt you anymore. She's gone." Taylor nodded at the man and then steered Amanda out and into the relatively warm outside air.

Once they were outside he pulled her too him and held her. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face into his chest. He knew that she was upset, hurting even though she vowed not to be. She claimed that she didn't care, but he knew better. He would be there for her, because she needed him to be, she just didn't know it yet.

"Come on, lets go get Lissa." He told her then kissed her gently on the lips. "Hey, you ok?" he asked her before he opened the car door for her to get in.

"Yeah, I am." She rested her head on his chest for another brief moment before she sighed, "Thank you, Taylor."

The words meant more to him that he thought they would. He wanted to be there for her and he would've been whether she liked it or not. But to hear her thank him for helping her, it gave him hope.

He drove over to Lissa's school and they rode in silence. Each lost in their own thoughts. Taylor's were all about her but hers were scattered and confused. It was a mix of him, her mother, fear, anger, her love for Lissa and her need to protect the little girl.

How could she choose Taylor and protect Lissa? How could she not choose Taylor and protect herself? She was falling for him; she realized that now… he was all she had other than Lissa… all that mattered. How did that happen? How did he worm his way into her heart?

Just that morning she was going to break it off with him and now she was stuck to him more than ever. Mandy turned and looked at him and felt her heart jump. He didn't look at her but reached out, took her hand and squeezed.

"It'll be ok, Amanda. I'll make sure it's ok." He told her.

"I know, Taylor. That's what worries me,"

He went inside with her to pick up Lissa. The little girl was so excited to see him again that she gave him a big hug. They took her for ice cream and told her what happened to her 'real' mother and she crawled into Taylor's lap and snuggled with him.

The trust and love that Lissa showed him was nearly his undoing. If only he could get Amanda to feel that way about him. He loved the little girl in his arms, purely, as if she were his own. The thought shook him, deeply. He never really thought about children, but with her in his arms, he longed for more. He knew he needed to have Lissa in his life as much as he needs Amanda. He wasn't going to let either of them go, never.

"Taylor," Lissa whispered. "Will you help me keep Mom from being sad? We're all she's got."

He looked over at Amanda and saw tears running down her face. He hugged Lissa back and said, "I'll do everything I can to make her happy, peanut." Taylor grabbed Amanda and pulled her to him and hugged her too with little Lissa between them. His two girls, he knew he loved them both with everything he had.