Chapter 5 – Klinger: I'll Be Home For Christmas

The snow felt as if it were flying sideways in the brisk winds, and Sidney had to keep his scarf snuggly wrapped over his nose and mouth while squinting his eyes so he could see where he was going without getting snow blinded. He wasn't sure how he managed to make it to that latrine in all that wintery chaos; but he did arrive to the outhouse in one piece, and he was even grateful for that stinky little building, for it was some form of shelter from the harsh conditions. When he completed his answer to nature's call, he braced himself for the stinging deluge that waited for him outside that door and exited into the blowing snow.

In the distance, a flash of red caught the Army shrink's eye, and he ventured closer to the object of his curiosity. Standing in the lights cast by the buildings and tents Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger stood steadfast at his post with his Mrs. Clause costume on his back and his rifle in his hands. It didn't seem fair that it was his turn to be on sentry duty on Christmas and that he had to stand out in the elements like this. Who in their right minds would venture out in such horrible weather? Against whom was he guarding the camp?

"Hello, Klinger!" Sidney yelled over the howling wind.

"Heya, Major Freedman! Ya think this outfit'll get me that section 8?" the Ohioan draftee did his best to model his long red flannel gown, white frilly apron, fir coat, and embroidered Santa hat. "I've even got fuzzy slippers on under this dress!" He used his free hand to lift the hem of his gown to reveal red furry slippers that covered his feet, which were firmly bundled in four layers of socks. "They've even got bows on them! Psycho enough for ya?"

"Sorry, Klinger, your costume is too in season. Now if you'd worn that on the 4th of July, you might have a fifty fifty chance … that's if Colonel Potter's in the right mood!"

"Damn!" Klinger snapped, disappointment mirrored in his brown eyes, which were hidden by not only the protective goggles he borrowed but the nocturnal darkness as well. "Sir, you've gotta gimme that psycho! This is the second Christmas I've missed because of being stuck in this crummy joint! Do you know what I'd 'ave been doing if I was in Toledo right now?

"I've got time, why don'tcha tell me about it!"

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree

"You'll never see anything like it sir. It's something that runs for days … a mixture of Lebanese and American traditions! Ma would set up the nativity scene in the front yard, and if any parts were missing – which happened more times than you wanna think because little kids kept swiping them, I'd get replacements … sometimes I'd buy or trade for them; one year I even scrounged a sort of new cammel statue from the junk yard! Uncle Abdule used to get our Christmas trees for bargain prices by running over them at the tree lots and telling the guy in charge that they were damaged and shouldn't sell for full price!

"Because Ma had to work on christmas Eve, we all went to Tony Paco's and celebrated our heads off half the night! The next morning, we had all our friends and family over to the house for Christmas coffee, liqueurs, and sugared almonds! Then Ma would set out this big spread of chicken, rice and Kubbeh … that's a Lebanese dish you get by mixing crushed boiled wheat known as 'burghul' with meat, onion, salt and pepper.! You haven't eaten until you've had that!"

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Suddenly, the memories of Christmas back home laid a great weight on Klinger's heart, and he drew a heavy sigh. "Let's face it, doc, Christmas in toledo's going on without me, and I'm over here freezing my butt off in the middle of nowhere because of this damn war! No matter how many kooky stunts I pull off, the colonel won't send me home! I keep pulling off stunt after stunt and hoping he'll eventually give in, but it seems to feel a helluva lot worse this time of year!"

"Klinger, I don't know what the future holds; I don't know if you'll eventually get that Section 8 or if you'll get sent home at the end of your tour; and I don't know where any of us will be next Christmas! Who knows, we could all be home next year!" Sidney hoped that his words wouldn't sound too harsh; after all, he had to be heard through his muffler and the howling winds. "You're not the only one who longs for home, Klinger. If wearing dresses got everybody a ticket home for Christmas or Chanukah, you'd be running a seemster's shop out of your tent to keep up with the orders! Can you imagine Hawkeye in a royal blue chiffon prom dress with a bow in the back or Colonel Potter in a bright yellow square dance skirt? And BJ would look lovely in a basic black church dress with pearls! How do you think a rinestone studded white evening gown would look on Major Winchester!"

"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!" The mental image of the surgeons prancing around in women's clothes brought the corps man into a fit of loud laughter that sliced through the winter's din.

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree

This had the desired effect Sidney had in mind to bring Klinger out of his sullen mood, and he leaped at this chance to offer a little advice that he was sure would help eb the feelings of homesickness the large nosed guard was going through at that moment. "Klinger, you may not be able to physically be home with your family this Christmas, but you can always be together with them in your memories! When you go off duty and the parties are over, try going back to your tent and remembering Christmas with your family and friends! Putcherself right in the middle of the memories and see if you can taste the food and see your loved ones around you! You may be stuck here in Korea when you'd rather be home; but it's still christmas over here, and it's up to you to make it a merry one! Just a little something to think about!"

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

"Thank you, sir!" Klinger shouted, his voice clearly showing that the therapist's words helped make him feel better about his current circumstances. "Merry Christmas to you, Major!"

"Actually, I celebrate Chanukah, but thanks for the well wishes! Merry Christmas, Max!" With that, Sidney left the enlisted man to tend to his duty and sought some shelter from the freezing weather conditions. He noticed a light was on in the CO's office, and he grew increasingly curious as to why someone would be hiding in there rather than participating in the gala at the officers' club. Realizing he wouldn't be satisfied until he found out who was hold up in there and why, he hurriedly trudged through the snow and entered the relative warmth of the building.