Pains of Sacrifice

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N:

Chapter 6 (The Drowning Rock)

There was something to be said of people who made it a goal to help and befriend everyone else. Some just genuinely are that empathetic and want to be a friend to everyone while some needed the most help themselves and were truly lonely, therefore surrounding themselves with other people. Beck fell into one of these two categories, and Trina was concerned that it was the latter of the two. In such a case, shutting all his friends out as he seemed to be doing could cause him a greater deal of grief than he was prepared for.

So along with Jade, Trina enlisted the help of his oldest and dearest friend, Andre. Perhaps they could get him to open back up.

If he was genuinely lonely, then Trina could understand that. Perhaps even his girlfriend could, since there was a reason the pair always went back to one another.

Walking up to his trailer, Trina could hear music coming from within. Astonishingly, it was a hard rock anthem, which was not something she pictured the usually calm and mellow Beck listening to. "Do you hear it?" Jade asked. "He's falling apart."

Andre nodded and walked towards the front door. "He's so used to being the one that's 'okay'. He's the leader, he's the strong one, likes to carry the weight of everyone else on his shoulders."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Trina remarked, "He can't be that person anymore and he knows it. That's what I think." Andre and Jade looked to her and she shrugged. "His whole world is crumbling, the very person he tried to be. He's suffering the same tragedy as everyone else and doesn't know how to cope because he's always been helping everyone else overcome their own obstacles and kept ignoring his own. Whatever problems he's got, they're coming out too. I'm sure of it."

Andre and Jade shared a contemplative look, as though trying to reach to the farthest points of their memory to figure out what was going on with him. "You've known him a bit longer than I have," Jade told him, "Did he ever come to you about anything that might have been bothering him?"

"No, we usually talked about my stuff or did something that took our minds off the world for a moment."

"Yeah. He was like that with me too. I thought that chill demeanor was attractive when I first met him. I didn't know he could be deflecting anything."

Trina stepped forward, extending her arm. "Think about it. He lives in a trailer, parked in his parents' driveway. Why does he not just live in his own home?" Also, it made sense what Beck was doing because Trina could feel it too: Focusing on the problems that he and Jade were having took her mind off her own problems. "Talking to you, helping you right now, I'm not even focused on my own problems. Notice how all the people Beck befriended have had obvious and clear issues? He's not just genuinely altruistic, he's got something going on and is surrounding himself with friends and people that literally keep him from focusing on those issues."

Jade gasped and lifted a trembling hand over her lips. "He could be hurting more than any of us, and none of us know it? I'm a horrible girlfriend." Trina chuckled dryly and sighed.

"Yeah well, let's not get into who is a horrible girlfriend and who is just missing a few warning signs."

Andre twisted around partially, extending the palm of his hand while still reaching for Beck's door with his other. "Both of you knock it off. Neither of you are bad girlfriends, you just made some mistakes in life. Everyone does that. I'm not diminishing those mistakes, and I'm not saying the things that happened are at all okay; but what I am saying is…" He looked to Jade, then to Trina, his gaze calming the slow brewing storm within her. "It's not your fault. The men in question only did what they felt was best, it was his decision and his choice. No one has been putting a gun to their heads and telling them what to do, and certainly you didn't."

He cleared his throat and lowered his hand a bit. "Look. Trina. Jason loved you, he would have done everything in his power to make you happy. He saw Tori in danger and he acted as any man would, because he knew how much she meant to you. He didn't anticipate being at death's door, though it was surely on his mind."

"Yeah…"

"But he chose to do that because he didn't want you to grieve for your sister." Andre glanced at Jade. "And Jade, Beck's always been known for being a cornerstone. A rock. If he's suffering, if he was hurting, he probably didn't want to make you-or anyone else-worry for him. He loved you, and still does, and likely didn't want to scare you with whatever's going on. The best thing you can do right now is let him talk, if he wants to talk, and listen. Be there for him."

Jade nodded fervently and took a deep breath, her shoulders rising as Andre turned back towards the door. "I'll try my best."

"Chances are, he needs someone to be his rock right now; but how can he ask any of his friends to do that when that's always been his role? I understand what you're saying, Trina."

Andre firmly knocked on Beck's door and waited for a few seconds before knocking louder. "Hey man, it's Andre out here. Can I come in?" There was no response, and the music wasn't wavering. Looking around, Trina recognized Beck's car in the driveway, so she knew he was in there.

"Try again," she said, "Go in if he doesn't answer again."

He knocked a little louder the third time. "Man I'm concerned about you, if you don't open up I'm going to come inside." Again there was no response, so Andre carefully opened the door. Upon doing so, the music inside seemed to amplify, throwing Trina off guard.

Jade wrung her hands as she walked in after Andre, and Trina slowly tailed them in. Beck was seated on his couch, with a bowl of chips in his lap and a bottle of beer on the end table beside him. Raising an eyebrow, Trina moved towards it. The television was turned off, but the radio beside it was on full blast.

Beck looked disheveled, his hair a tangled mess and stubble growing on his face. As they walked around the couch, they could see him wearing a very loose collared shirt that was stained by various substances, and cut up jeans. His eyes rose and he scanned the three shocked faces before him.

"Shit."

Trina sniffed the air and looked around carefully. "Does anyone else smell smoke?" Jade started to look around, sniffing the air as well until she began to cough.

"God, someone's been smoking in here! Beck?"

Andre walked to the radio, turned it off, then poked his head around to the side of it. "Aha, hidden ashtray with a still burning cigarette." He raised the cigarette up to show it and Jade threw her hands over her mouth.

Trina picked up the half empty beer bottle, clicking her tongue. "I don't know, but I'd say you're still definitely underage." Trina glanced to Jade with a playful smirk. "Want a sip?" Jade retched and shook her hands in the air.

"Don't even joke." Jade grabbed the bottle and began pouring it down the nearby sink. "I won't touch another bottle of beer as long as I live, I swear to god." Beck extended his hand.

"Hey, I'm not done with that."

"Oh you're done with it my man." Andre snuffed out the cigarette. "Done with this too." Beck stood up, his eyes wide in a panic.

"What are you doing?"

"Sorry man, but this is for your own good." Andre turned around and smacked a closed fist into Beck's chest, knocking him back to the couch. Beck shouted out and Andre cleared his throat. "Snap out of it, man. You were worrying us before, and now we're really concerned. Talk to us."

Beck ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "That fucking hurt."

"Yeah well, did it wake you up?" Beck shot Andre a quick glare, which broke and softened in an instant. "Sorry to do it man, especially in front of the girls and everything; but you need someone to knock the sense in you. Why are you sitting in your trailer all by yourself, smoking a cigarette and drinking beer? Which, by the way, where did you get it?"

Beck threw his hand forward, his gaze dropping to the floor. "My parents' pantry. Dad has always had a pretty well stocked supply. Usually I go for the stronger stuff."

"The stronger-" Andre swept his hands down his face and looked over to Trina. "Trina? Jade? One of you wanna take over, cause I'm about to punch this boy again. This time, I think his kids are gonna feel it."

"Yeah." Trina pat him on the shoulder, giving him a gentle smile. "We'll take it from here."

Seeing that Jade was still shaken up and looking more nervous than she was before they came in here, Trina figured it was best to be the one going forward. She sat beside Beck and looked around the room slowly. "I've been here. I mean, I never smoked a cigarette in my life because I didn't want to mess with my body or respiratory system; but I've been at this low before." Beck turned his head to her, saying nothing as his expression turned stoic.

Smoke still clung to the air, making it difficult to breathe. "Jade? Andre? Would you guys open the windows? I know Jade needs fresh air more than any of us." The pair nodded and quickly went to work opening all the windows, and the door.

Trina turned her attention back to Beck. "It must be, no I know it is, difficult to feel like you're alone in the world." Beck's eyes darted away, looking at nothing in particular. Trina put her hand to her chest. "I focused all my efforts on my sister, my parents, making sure they were happy. No one paid any attention to me. It was like I was invisible." She chuckled a bit, recalling an old memory. "I remember one of my favorite old musicals was Chicago. Ever hear of it?"

Beck grunted. "Not the, um, one-woman-"

"No. The actual musical." Her eyes narrowed a bit, then relaxed. "Which by the way, you got to admit, my acting skills must have been better than anyone realized. I put on a show for the whole school, and only one person saw through it while one or two others figured it out."

"Really? What show was this?"

"Story of my life." Beck's eyebrows rose curiously. "Literally." She pat him on the back. "It was the real one-woman show. Starring me as myself."

Beck circled his hands in the air. "What does that musical have to do with any of this?"

"There's a song in there, one of my favorites in the whole movie. It's called Mr. Cellophane." Beck lowered his hands a bit and Trina started to nod. "It goes like this: Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, because you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never even know I'm there. That was my life since I was a kid."

"Damn."

"Yeah." She chuckled again. "Damn." Trina took a deep breath, held it, and then sighed. Her hands closed up a bit and she cleared her throat. "You see, I was healthy. Active. My sister? Complete opposite. She wasn't even supposed to live past infancy. I was lucky. My parents had a very bad blood combination. So, my sister got to grow up living in a proverbial bubble, sheltered and coddled by my parents. They watched her like a hawk, her every waking minute while I stood on the sidelines."

"Wow…"

"Nothing I did seemed to affect them. As a kid, I'd play in little leagues and soccer, maybe my dad would come to a game or two. They were always afraid anything outside might cause my sister to have a problem or two." Feeling the tears come, Trina quickly wiped her eyes and turned her head away. "I joined karate clubs and got into bigger sports and athletics like gymnastics, during my preteen years." She coughed once. "I remember having a tournament, and neither of my parents could make it. My grandmother made it, she drove me there and drove me home; but mom and dad were too busy."

"I grew up on the sidelines, Beck. I played the field in all my activities, could play all roles of the team if I had to; but I grew up on the sidelines. Invisible, unnoticeable. So, I started making sure to always be around, making sure Tori was okay. Making sure she was safe, that she would be able to prosper and that way I could maybe make my parents feel a little safer too. Maybe I could shoulder some of the burden, then just maybe I'd be a little more appreciated; but I was a loner. The wallflower. The benched quarterback with an all-star pass."

"Yeah, that…that sucks. I know all too well." Beck shut his eyes for a moment and let out a weary sigh. "Something no one really gets about me. When I was a kid, I might never even know when my parents were out of town. They'd leave on a whim, and I'd come home from school only to find a note that says 'gone for a few days, there's food in the fridge and pantry'." Beck chuckled scornfully and Trina frowned, her heart went out to him.

"I'm sorry. Beck, that you had to go through that, no kid should ever have to. It ruins things, makes life a living hell and turns you into a mental basket case."

"I was like you in a way." He tapped his finger in the air. "The helper, the healer. Thinking maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel so alone."

"Like my counselor says. Focusing on the problems other people have and ignoring your own does not help make your personal issues go away. How often did your parents leave you alone?"

"Often enough. It wasn't always that they were out of town either. You know, we never once had an actual family dinner." He laughed once, his eyes brimming with fresh tears. "I see you and Tori, and the meal your mom puts on the table. All four of you sitting down to eat, and I think…I wonder…" A sob broke out from his lips, causing Jade to walk over and put her arms around him. "I wonder why! Why couldn't I have that?" His tears ran down his cheeks and he began breathing erratically. "I don't even know what a home-cooked meal tastes like. I know what canned soup taste like, oh believe me I've had plenty of that."

"Have you ever wondered why you were born? I've had those thoughts."

"Oh all the time, then I found out one day." He sneered. "Useless. They didn't even want me. Mom hated me because I wasn't hers, Dad wound up knocking up some girl that didn't want me so she forced me on him." He paused, turning his eyes to Jade. She was tearing up, but still managing to keep silent. "I swore I'd never do that to someone. I can't understand why someone would cheat on the person they're supposed to love."

"Is that why you pull away?" Jade asked with a broken voice. "Because of my paranoia?"

"A little. It hurts because it feels like you don't trust me. I can't make anyone happy, and if I can't make you happy, then what's the point, you know?"

Jade whimpered and hugged him tighter. "No, you make me so happy. Beck, I-I can't explain why I am the way I am. I just…I know I feel right when I'm with you. I feel secure, and I love you. I love you so much, you need to know that." She leaned back, clasping his face in her hands and gazing into his eyes. "You need to know that you are loved, you are wanted. I never meant to push you away or hurt you, I love you and I want to be with you."

"Beck…" Trina sighed. "Your friends want to be your friends not because you're a helper but because you cared about them at one point and you were there for them. You were a friend to them. You need to let them do the same for you. They are here for you, they need you, let them be the ones to shoulder you."

"This isn't you." Jade pointed to the snuffed out cigarette and the empty bottle of beer. "This isn't you, Beck. I know it isn't." Beck chuckled sadly.

"Unfortunately I've smoked since I was twelve, and hell I could practically walk by my parents with a bottle of whiskey in my hands and they never seemed to care. So, what you're seeing right now, Jade…is a very messed up, foolish kid that…" He raised his hands up a bit. "Has always been here. I'm not at all the dressed up, stable guy I've portrayed myself to be, I'm-"

"You're real." Jade smiled reassuringly and quickly pecked him on the lips. "You're a person. I don't care what you've done, but I still want to be with you. Only…I don't want you to hate me."

"Of course I don't hate you."

Trina stood up and stepped beside Andre, crossing her arms with him and sharing a knowing look. This wasn't something either of them could say, it had to be Jade.

"Beck, I was angry, I was being stupid and jealous and paranoid." He furrowed his brow and Jade clenched her eyes shut. "Shun me now and I'll understand. I was hurt, thinking you were sneaking around with that stupid waitress from the restaurant, and I had a one night stand in revenge." Beck's eyes went wide and he opened his mouth partially, but no words came out. Jade bowed her head, pressing it against his chest and weeping. "I'm sorry Beck. I made a mistake, and I know I did wrong. I…I know you hate me, and I would never want to do anything to hurt you. I-I just, I hit a low point that I've never been at, and it was stupid of me and, and-"

Beck reached around her, slowly placing a hand on her back. He lowered his head to hers and softly kissed the top of her head. "It's okay. It's okay." Jade looked up, her eyes quivering.

"You're not angry? You don't hate me?"

"I don't hate you. I'm hurt…but I'm okay…"

"There's something else." Her face tensed and she studied his gaze for a minute. "I'm pregnant." His mouth hung open and a tear fell from his eyes. "I honestly don't know whether it's your baby or the guy's, because you know…you and I had that makeup sex a couple weeks before I got upset over seeing that same waitress talking to you and then-"

"I got it." He raised his hand and closed his eyes for a moment. "It's okay. You don't have to explain." He stood slowly and looked around the room, pressing his lips together for a moment. After a second or two, he chuckled softly. "I…I could potentially be a father?"

Jade looked up at him from the couch, her fingers tightening over the seat cushion. Trina and Andre smiled at each other, then Andre dropped his arms. "You could be. She doesn't know exactly who the father is, but she does know there's a fifty-fifty chance that baby is yours…and, excuse me if I'm wrong Miss Jade, you have no intention or desire of seeing that other person again?"

"I'd sooner die," Jade remarked coldly.

"So congrats!" Andre spread his arms out and walked forward, giving Beck a quick pat on the back. "You're a dad. What do you think of that?"

Trina chuckled silently and thought to herself. "If he's anything like me, I bet I know what's fixing to go through his mind right now…" Beck looked around the room slowly, wiping his clammy hands on his jeans. His gaze focused on the cigarette and ashtray, then he zeroed in on the empty beer bottle. Slowly his eyes scanned the messy trailer where beer stained the brown carpet.

"Shit," he said finally. His skin started to pale, his eyes drifted upwards, and he dropped to the floor in an instant, to no surprise of Trina's.

"Beck!" Jade screamed and rushed to his side. "Beck, are you okay?"

"He'll be fine," Trina replied, "I think he'll need some time. Give him that. Be there for him and don't press him on anything. Just let him take everything in." Jade nodded slowly and leaned down, hugging Beck close.

Trina motioned to Andre and they left the trailer, but not before picking up the ashtray. Andre bounced the ashtray in his hand, clicking his tongue. "This thing." He growled a bit. It was understandable, he had to be angry and disappointed to find this out about his best friend.

"Here. Let me see it." She took the ashtray and studied it. It was a small, glass fixture. Easily breakable. "I think I have a better arm."

"What?" He raised an eyebrow and watched as she aimed for a tree next to the Oliver house. She threw the ashtray as though it were a baseball and smirked as it struck the center of the tree and shattered into pieces, leaving a flurry of ash in its wake. Andre whistled and turned around. "Damn, that's a hell of a arm on you."

"Yeah. That felt good." She started walking off and Andre quickly followed behind. "Let his parents clean that mess up, the bastards. If he hadn't bottled it up inside him all these years, if someone had only noticed, he could have been taken to a better home. Had a better life."

"I guess all anyone can do now is help him get back on his feet, maybe he'll turn his life around."

"Maybe. I'm still not sure if I can do that myself. Can't believe Beck and I actually have something in common." She rolled her eyes and looked over her shoulder. "I hope he and Jade can be there for one another, they really need each other."

"If ever there was a more mentally fucked up, basket case couple, I don't know." He smirked. "Makes me all the more certain that they'll be fine." She leaned her head back.

"Oh?" Her eyes squinted and she crossed her arms. "How do you figure?"

"They both want to see the other get better, to heal, so they'll likely want to be there for the other person and help them. If anything, this whole fuckup of a mess we're all in will help them grow closer."

"One can only hope, and Andre, I hope you're right."

Well, we know the future anyway. We're getting through the past, slowly but surely. There are a couple more points to highlight but what are your thoughts on this chapter?