"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton
She moved through the days with a smile on her face, attempting to hide the potent helplessness that she felt underneath her skin. As she found the new dossiers and helped her companions resolve their issues, it seemed that her own only intensified with each fake laugh, each forced grin.
She could tell they were worried; even Joker spoke to her as if she were a fragile child needing to be coddled. But this only strengthened her need to hide her pain from them – she was a grown woman with the capacity to handle her own problems. She didn't need their sympathy, she didn't need their help, and she definitely didn't need their pity.
She just… needed time.
And as time passed by, her poker face became more and more stable, masking an internal chaos that became more and more unstable. It was a cruel game, pretending to be fine while her heart disintegrated slowly and unmercifully. But it was for the sake of her crew, she told herself. Stay strong for them.
It was another lie, of course. She was simply hoping that, if she pretended long enough, eventually she wouldn't have to. She knew, deep down, that she was being naive, but it was easier than facing the truth, facing the pain.
She wasn't okay.
How could she be, when the man she loved more than anyone just… walked away? It wasn't fair, it wasn't...
But thankfully, after about a month, her friends had subtly stopped tip-toeing around her. Apparently, the deep cracks were not as obvious to everyone else as they were to her. That was a good sign. Maybe she was still salvageable.
The only person she had yet to convince was Garrus. He was her best friend and knew her as well as he knew himself. She would catch him watching her whenever Kaidan was brought up, as if she would fall apart at the very mention of his name (though, internally, she did). That just made her want to be more okay than she actually was. To be who she pretended to be on the outside.
And she was... managing. She had acquired the Reaper IFF, a push towards their goal of defeating the Collectors. After all, that's what mattered most, not her petty feelings. Regardless, Shepard was thankful for the down time while EDI installed the IFF, giving her an opportunity to hole up in her cabin, mess with guns, and drink tea. The combination was keeping her from thinking about him, at the least, so she was in higher spirits than normal.
Later in the afternoon, a gentle tap at her cabin door broke her concentration. "Come in," she called out, setting down the pieces to her gun and moving to greet her visitor
Garrus walked in a moment later, a solemn expression on his face and a strange look in his eye. "Uh, hey, Shepard," he murmured as he stepped inside.
His demeanor made her slightly uneasy, but she hid her discomfort and greeted, "What's up, Garrus?"
"I just wanted to talk to you," he stated simply, reaching upwards to scratch his cheek with a talon. She knew what a restless gesture like that meant – it showed that he was uncomfortable with the situation.
"Okay," she said, trying not to let her suspicion show through. "About?"
"Just... about how you're doing," he said, stumbling through his lie. Oh, no. Garrus, don't start this.
"Oh. I've been doing fine," she said, the corners of her mouth pulling into a reassuring smile.
"Okay," he said in response, shifting on his feet. He looked like he wanted to say more, but she knew he always had trouble expressing himself. He never wanted to step on anyone's toes.
"Garrus," she sighed, "I know what this is about. I'm not stupid."
He exhaled heavily, shaking his head. "I know you're not. But Shepard... you haven't been yourself for weeks." Since you saw Kaidan, he implied. "I'm worried."
She felt herself falter, a small shift in her expression that he was quick to notice. "You don't - you don't need to be," she forced out. Lies. More and more lies.
"Please, just talk to me," he pushed, voice rising in volume. "Stop lying!"
"I'm not!" she ground out, her own temper igniting. Drop it, Garrus. Please. "What Kaidan and I had is over, and I've accepted that! I'm moving on!"
He stared at her for too long, not speaking, eyes boring into her own. She could tell that he wanted to shake her with frustration, yell until she understood - but he was too level-headed to explode. And she was too stubborn to give in. "Shepard," he said slowly after a long moment, shaking his head. "Before I went to kill Sidonis, you said to me, 'This isn't you.' You grounded me before I did something stupid. I'm trying to do that for you. I'm telling you, Shepard, this isn't you."
"Then you don't know me," she said coldly, surprised by the venom in her words.
He flinched as if she had lashed out against him. "Shepard..."
"Please, just leave me alone," she ground out, looking away from him. "Just go."
"...Fine," he said after a seemingly-endless moment. "If that's what you want, I won't bother you anymore."
Without another word, he left her, and she was alone.
"Doc?" Shepard called into the med bay, her voice softer than usual. With hazy, red eyes, she walked into the med bay, yawning. "Are you - oh!"
Stopping cold in her tracks, she saw Kaidan sitting slumped-over on one of the cots, his head resting in his hands. "Shit," she murmured under her breath as he looked up at her, his expression tight with pain.
"Hey, Shep," he said, his lips curled into a grimace.
"Migraine?" she asked softly, trying not to make too much noise.
He nodded slowly, pushing the heel of his hand against his forehead. "Damn L2. Sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth."
Pushing her mouth into a thin line, she felt her heart break for him. "I didn't mean to bother you. If you need to be alone-"
"No, no," he interrupted, smiling warmly at her despite his pain. "You should stay."
After staring unsurely for a moment, she walked nearer to him hesitantly. He opened his arms, an invitation to join him on the small cot. She sat with him, curling contently into his embrace. "Hey," he murmured into her hair, a sweet gesture that made her smile.
"Hey," she whispered back, tracing the his tensed arm muscles with her pointer finger. She leaned away to look at his face, touching the curve of his jaw. "Are you alright?"
"Better now that you're here," he said suavely, making her laugh quietly. "Nah, but I'm okay. Could be worse," he assured her, giving her slender body a squeeze.
"If you say so," she hummed, resting her head on his chest.
"So, why aren't you on the Citadel with everyone else?" he inquired after a moment, looking down at her.
"I prefer to be on the ship," she said honestly, shrugging her shoulders indifferently. "And that's where the doc is?" she asked in turn.
"Yeah," he breathed. "She said she needed to stock up on medi-gel before we head to Ilos. I guess we might need it."
"I guess we might," she agreed, sighing. "I'll just have to wait until she gets back, then."
"What do you need from Dr. Chakwas?" he asked. "Everything alright?"
Sighing again, she placed her hands in her lap and pointedly stared at them. "I needed more sleeping pills," she admitted, her face flushing slightly in embarrassment.
"You can't sleep?" he asked, and when she nodded, he continued, "For how long?"
"The past few weeks," she confessed warily, her breath coming out in a rush. "I've just been so stressed, especially this week. Losing Ash, preparing for Ilos," she explained. "It's just a lot to deal with."
"Yeah," he agreed. "I get it. But you still need to get some rest, with or without drugs," he told her, trying to tug her down onto the cot with him.
"What, now?" she asked, confused.
"Why not?" he said simply. "No one will be back from the Citadel until later, so no one will catch us."
"You rebel," she laughed, shaking her head.
"Do I need to offer some incentive?"
Cocking an eyebrow, she found it impossible to keep the grin off her face. "What are you suggesting, LT?"
Brushing his fingertips along her jawline, he brought her face closer until their lips were touching. Emboldened, she tilted her head to deepen their kiss, eliciting a reverberating noise from inside his chest as he smiled against her mouth.
Parting slightly, she relented. "Alright," She said, letting him pull her down until they were laying, side-by-side. Encircling her arms around his neck, she nuzzled her nose into his neck and inhaled a scent that was so uniquely his."Careful, you'll distract me from saving the galaxy," she murmured against his skin, grinning.
"Mm… worth it," he hummed, holding her tighter.
And so they remained, blissfully falling into a seamless sleep.
It was in moments like these that she wished she had stayed dead.
The picture sat on her desk, staring at her like it was alive and breathing, reminding her of all the things she once had but would never have again.
How could she do this without him? It felt like he had always been by her side, always been on her side, but now… she was alone, facing an impossible task.
And she had ignored all of this empty despair, all of this pointless pain, until it had festered into a monster in her soul, making her incapable of feeling and function.
More than anything, she didn't want to be alone.
Closing her eyes to the immobile image of the one she still loved, hollow tears ran down her face as she accepted the inevitability that she would never see him again. She would die defeating the Collectors, she knew, and she would die isolated and unfilled.
Sobs wracked her chest as these thoughts crossed her mind, bringing her to an even lower level than she had been on for the past month.
The sound of her cabin door opening caught her attention, and when she looked up, Garrus was standing there. His mandibles were twitching nervously, and his eyes watched her sadly, but he was here. With her.
"Garrus," she murmured, standing and wiping her eyes. "What…?"
"I'm sorry, Shepard," he said softly, looking away from her glistening eyes. "I'm so sorry. I just…" he paused, shaking his head. "I can't stand it when you're hurting."
With a shuddering breath, she smiled faintly as uncontrollable tears rolled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, too. I was kind of a jackass."
"Yeah," he laughed slightly, "you were." She stood, smiling at him like an idiot, until he coughed lightly. "Um, yeah. I just wanted to tell you that before we get to the Omega-4 relay in a few hours," he muttered. "Goodnight, Shepard, and get some sleep."
"Don't go, Garrus," she said, stopping him in his tracks. A trembling sob left her mouth, mixing with the laugh that she couldn't control. Suddenly, she had run into his arms, holding him tightly.
"I won't," he whispered, clinging back to her tightly. His plates were most likely bruising her skin, but she didn't care.
"I… I'm so glad you're here, big guy," she admitted.
He was here, he had always been here, and he always would be.