I don't own Resident Evil 4 or Wal-Mart.
There are a lot of things that I'm afraid of like roaches, snakes and my mother but I've learned to deal with each in my own way. For instance, I call Andrea to deal with the roaches and snakes while a bottle of vodka and a well placed comment about sexism in society will usually take care of my mother. But chainsaw guys… I can't say that I've ever run across that particular fear other than in the comfort of my hotel room behind the confines of a TV screen.
So, when I see this flesh and blood man heading towards me at full speed its like all of my fears combined in one. I can't seem to pull enough air into my lungs, my feet are frozen to the ground and it feels like my entire body has been doused in cold water. I have looked down the barrel of a gun and into the eyes of murderers before but just the thought of having that terrifying blade pressed into my flesh sends little black dots dancing in front of my eyes.
And ya know, the funny thing about fainting is that there isn't a whole lot of warning before it happens. Sure there's the little black dots and that feeling that something really fucking wrong is about to happen, but that really doesn't take anything more than a few seconds. It's kind of like falling asleep; one moment I'm awake, thinking about that cute guy in the next room and then BAM I'm waking up with the sun shining in my eyes.
Except, this time, I'm not in some swanky hotel but tied up in a storage room staring up the skirt of Ashley Graham.
I grin. "You know, white really brings out your skin tone."
Her eyes widen and her face turns cherry red. "Pervert!" she shrieks and instantly pushes down on her green skirt. I tug at the rope binding my hands, testing their strength and wince as it cuts into my wrists. The knot is pretty tight and my arms are tingling painfully.
"A little help?" I ask.
Instead of leaping into action Ashley crosses her arms and frowns. "Who are you?" I would roll my eyes but it's a pretty legitimate question considering the circumstances. So, instead of taking offence at her lack of trust (which is pretty understandable) I answer with the most believable explanation.
"I'm here to rescue you." Okay, maybe its not the truth, but my wrists are killing me.
Her eyes light up and she smiles a brightly before she starts untying the rope."My father sent yout?"
"Of course. He's been out of his mind with worry."
"And Jarvis?" The question is innocent enough but judging by the way she's avoiding my eyes and her hands have slowed in working the knot there's something important about it. A security question, I realize, and purse my lips. Smart. Well, hell, what's the worst that could happen?
"He would be very worried," I say and watch as her eyes widen, "if he actually existed."
A moment of silence passes before she smiles, tears starting to gather in her eyes, and undoes the final knot. My freedom is short lived, however, as her arms wrap around my shoulders and Ashley buries her head in my neck, sobbing.
"I was so scared!" she cries. I gently pat her on the back and clear my throat. I'm not comfortable with crying girls because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. Anger I could handle but crying? No way.
"It's okay," I mutter. "Everything will be okay."
I should know by now not to make promises I might not be able to keep.
After Ashley has practically drenched my shirt I start working on our escape. The room is pretty small and windowless with several shelving units and boxes lining the stone walls. The door is made of a thick wood and sturdy as hell. If I had my guns with me we'd have broken out in no time but seeing as I'm weaponless (fucking bastards) and the bobby pin in my hair was completely powerless against the ancient lock, I search the room for anything useful.
"How long have you been in here?" I ask Ashley who sits idly on a barrel.
"Just a few hours," she answers. "I'm never in the same place for long."
I rip open a box and frown at the handgun bullets inside. Moving on to another box, I ask, "How often do the guards check on you for bathroom breaks or food?"
"Usually every couple of hours; depending on where I am." She hovers behind me, peeking into another ammo filled box that I've just opened. "I'm always blind folded and carried so I don't really know where I am most of the time."
"So they're thorough," I mutter. "I was afraid of that." I give up searching the boxes and instead move toward the shelves.
"So what happened?" Ashley asks. "How did you get caught?"
"Isn't it obvious? So that I could find you." Not exactly true but it sounds pretty good.
"How did you know they wouldn't kill you? That's what I would've done." I raise an eyebrow at her. "I mean, you were looking for me so why not kill you and get rid of the threat? They had to have known who you were." Not if they were looking for a man but, then again, how much do they know about Leon? I remember that Ashley went missing almost a week ago because it was splashed all over the media and occurred a few days before Andrea and I received our mission. I don't know if demands were made as my interest in it died as soon as Andrea had plucked the newspaper from my hands.
Now, though, I wish I had paid more attention.
"I try not to over think the little things," I answer but I'm wondering the same thing. Why would they keep me alive? If they really think I'm some sort of recovery agent (which they must be expecting as Ashley is the President's daughter and all) then they should have killed me like she said. Unless they're planning on asking for a higher ransom…
"I found something!" I glance at Ashley and grin widely when I see the crowbar in her hands. She hands it to me and I give her a thumbs up.
"Nice job! Now, let's get the hell outta Dodge."
It takes a few tries but with our combined strength we manage to break open the latch and smell sweet freedom. Which isn't exactly free.
"What the fuck?" Metal bars block the two hallways on either side of us and a waist high iron fence with spikes on the tips lie ahead. "Shit."
"What do we do now?" I motion her to be quiet and blow out a frustrated breath. Looking over the fence I see a chandelier in the middle of what looks to be a church. Several rows of wooden pews are about fifteen feet below along with an alter. Squinting, I can see a control panel to the right and in the opposite direction, above the alter, are several round circles. Looking beneath the control panel are three light scones.
"The control panel," I mutter. "I have to get over there." Ashley frowns and leans over the waist high gate.
"But how are you going to get over there?"
"By using the chandelier."
She crosses her arms and cocks her head, strands of blond falling over her shoulders. "And how are you going to do that? This fence is almost bigger than you are."
"Hey! That was completely uncalled for." I huff.
She just grins.
"But I'm glad you asked because you're going to help me." This time I'm the one grinning. Well, more like smirking.
Hands on hips Ashley says," I'm sorry but I don't think I can make you grow a foot in five minutes." My eye twitches.
"Well, that wasn't what I was going to ask but now that I know…" Who knew this Prez's daughter could be so witty? I don't know whether I should hit her or laugh. "Seeing as I still need you and you need me I'm not going to knock you out and pretend that what you said never happened." I tap the crowbar in my hands with just a hint of a threat in my eyes. "Now, let's listen to my brilliant plan shall we?" Ashley gulps and nods. "I thought so. Now, this is what I need you to do…"
After several minutes of convincing and (mostly) empty threats, Ashley is finally on her hands and knees.
"And Andrea said my skirt was short." I mutter.
"Well? What are you waiting for?" She snaps, obviously not pleased with her situation. No reason for her to be a bitch though.
"Get ready. On three. One… Two… Three!" Ashley squeezes her eyes shut and goes rigid while take four running steps and leap onto her back. She grunts underneath my weight but arches her back which sends me a good foot over the metal bars and towards the chandelier. I land with one foot on the chandelier, pain screaming up the left side of my body and automatically take another step as my body's inertia betrays me.
I fall forward, my knee banging against the edge as I go tumbling over. Someone is screaming I don't know who. It could be Ashley but then why does my throat suddenly hurt? I cover my face, expecting to land face first on the stone floor but instead get a shooting pain in my right ankle as I halt in my journey towards what would have been my death.
Familiar black dots swarm across my vision and I wonder if I'm going to faint again because, frankly, now would be a very bad time. But after taking a few seconds of deep breathing (more like gasping) everything comes into focus. I crane my neck up and see that my boot lace has caught on the chandelier. Great. The only thing keeping me from cracking my head open are the laces I bought at Wal-Mart. Awesome.
Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so because I hear Ashley giggle from above me.
"I'm sorry!" she shouts. "But-But-" a giggle bursts from her lips. "I-I thought you were going to die!" Now she's laughing and I can honestly say that I'm a bit insulted. But as I glance up at my shoe laces my lips twitch and soon I'm laughing right along with her. "I-I was so scared!" she gasps and I can just imagine Ashley clutching at her sides. And then, like a fucking light switch, she starts sobbing again. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if she's on her period or something. My laughter dies which just leaves Ashley's uncontrollable crying to echo in the empty church. Not exactly the most comfortable situation. But, then again, I am hanging onto life by my Wal-Mart shoe laces. Literally.
"Um, it's okay Ashley," I call out. Hey, it worked last time. "I'm fine. We're both fine. It's totally fine." She wails something I can't make out but maybe I don't want to know what she's saying in her hysteric state.
So, while Ashley is busy losing her grip on reality, I attempt to get myself back on track.
Ashley is relatively calm by the time I haul myself over the edge and manage to gain my footing on the chandelier. Now I know why Andrea does a million crunches everyday. Jesus. My stomach is killing me, my wrists hurt like hell, and both of my feet feel like they've been pulled out of their sockets and then shoved mercilessly back in.
And I still need to reach that damned control panel.
"Ashley, throw me the crowbar." Watery brown eyes stare into my own.
"What?"
"Throw. Me. The crowbar." She nods and gently tosses it into my hands. "Thanks."
I can feel her watching me undo my shoe laces and knot them together. "What're you doing?" she asks.
"I need to get to the control panel, remember? But I need to get the chandelier closer so I can make the jump. But," I wrap one end of the now three foot string around the crowbar. "I can't get the chandelier moving without some sort of-" I made a moving motion with my hand. "Hence this little invention." I gently swing the grapple in a slow circle, letting another inch loose as it gains momentum. Timing it just right I let it fly and watch as it clangs against the black fence. I grin as it catches and begin pulling myself forward.
I'm just a few feet away when the makeshift rope begins to get loose. I gain another few inches before the rope completely falls apart and the crowbar clatters to the floor but I've gained enough distance that the chandelier swings with ease.
When it heads towards my goal I ready myself to make the jump. It's a little unnerving but once my feet hit solid rock I can finally breath a sigh of relief. I bow as Ashley begins clapping and hurriedly re-tie my boots. That done, I make for the control panel.
It looks fairly simple and three lights (red, blue, green) shine brightly on the opposite wall. Each light is positioned so that when it hit's some sort of mangled picture is formed as the lights overlap each other. Shit. Another goddamn puzzle.
"The insignia!" Ashley shouts, pointing towards the lights. "You have to figure out how to make the insignia." I nod and get to work.
"No! The green one! Turn it to the left!"
Irritated, I turn and shout, "I already tried that!"
"No, you didn't!" We glared at each other. It had been almost ten minutes since I started messing with this stupid ass panel and I wasn't any closer to solving it then I was when I started. Correction, when 'we' started. Ashley hasn't shut up since I turned the damn thing on and has an opinion on every attempt I make. I start messing with the dials again, this time mimicking Ashley's annoying voice.
"'No, turn the red one to the right,'" I mock and spin the dial. "'No, the other right.'" I spin it again and-
"Holy shit." Surprisingly it was Ashley who says this as we both stare dumbly at the now completed puzzle. The metal gates raise up into the ceiling, out of view and Ashley wastes no time in making a beeline for me. We're both grinning like mad and I'm so fucking glad that its over that I hug her. She hugs me back and I quickly let go before things get awkward. "Let's go," I say and head for a ladder leading to the first floor.
As soon as her foot touches the floor the double doors burst open and in walks a completely drenched Leon with Andrea following a couple of steps behind.
Andrea looks around, dark eyes wild and dangerous. I take a step back, making sure to place Ashley between us as she finally spots us. I can practically feel Ashley stiffen as Andrea marches over and she doesn't look happy.
"You little bitch!" She shoves Ashley out of the way and I flinch as the blond lands hard on the floor. I open my mouth to say something, anything to try and defuse the situation but a sharp pain across my face sends my thoughts reeling. Andrea catches my shoulders in a death grip and shakes me once, twice hard before pulling me into a tight embrace. Now, I'm completely confused. What the fuck is going on?
Andrea has never been much of a touchy feely person and this is one of the rare times that I've seen her practically explode with emotion. Even when her own mother practically disowned her she had just shrugged it off and said, "Good riddance."
"You weren't there when I woke up," she whispers. "I-I thought- Oh, God." Her body shakes with something dangerously close to a sob but when she pushes me away her eyes are clear, mouth firm. "Don't do that again. Ever." I nod, finally catching up with what must have happened when she woke up alone with no way to communicate with me as my radio had been taken along with my guns. "Who are you?" The question is directed at Ashley who is openly gaping.
"This is Ashley Graham, the President's daughter," I explain. Ashley nods and eyes Andrea with caution. "This," I say and motion towards a glaring Andrea, "is my partner, Andrea and that guy is Leon." Ashley stares star truck at Leon.
"Hi, Leon. Are you here to rescue me too?"
Leon raises an eyebrow. "Too?" he repeats. I clamp a hand over Ashley's mouth and start her towards the doors.
"Wow, will you look at that? We need to get going before whoever feeds her comes and-"
"I'll take the girl." All of us stare towards the alter or, more specifically, at the person standing in front of it. He's tall, well over six feet and is draped in a purple and gold robe with some weird stick in his hand.
Leon steps in front of us, obviously feeling the need to take whatever bullet he thinks must be heading towards us.
"Who are you?" he demands.
The man grins and says, "If you must know I am Osmund Saddler, the master of the fine religious community. " His voice is deep, almost soothing if he didn't look like something from the grave.
"What do you want?"
"To demonstrate to the whole world our astounding power of course!"
"Of course," I mutter. Saddler turns his gaze onto me and a genuine smile spreads across his face.
He points his weird stick at me and at once Leon and Andrea have their guns trained on him. "You, the President's daughter and the agent will have the honor of making my wonderful dream come true. No longer will the United States think they can police the world forever!" His gaze lands on Andrea as he openly runs them up and down her body.
"Oh, that's just nasty. Shoot the bitch!" I nudge Leon in the ribs but he doesn't budge and judging by the flush working up his neck he isn't exactly pleased that she got mentally raped either.
"Sadly," Saddler continues. "We were not able to include your beautiful friend here."
"Explain yourself!" Leon shouts and is it just me or did his voice get ten times deeper? Saddler smiles again and I'm seriously considering throwing up.
"When young Ashley returns she will not be alone. Oh, there's going to be one hell of a party when she returns to her loving father." Beneath Saddler's laugh, Ashley touches her neck and gasps.
"I think they shot something in my neck!"
"Yes, a little gift in the form of our power. You, my dear, will be the ultimate undoing of a country already on the verge of shambles. Your friends," he motioned towards Leon and myself, "are just in it for the ride." I felt along the skin of my own neck, felt a small scab just below my ear. I meet Andrea's worried gaze with one of my own.
"When I was unconscious," Leon mutters.
Grinning madly now, Saddler continues a speech he must have rehearsed in the mirror. "When the eggs hatch you will do as I say, I will have total control over your minds! The perfect way to promulgate one's religion, hm? But," he pauses. "Before that I thought I might bargain with the President for some donation. It takes quite a bit of money to keep this little church up and running."
"Faith and money will lead you no where, Saddler!" Jesus, Leon is on a roll! But then the wooden doors burst open again and Saddler's cavalry arrive with flaming bow guns. Seriously? In the corner of my eye I see Leon snatch Ashley's hand and make a run for it. Andrea and I follow suit just as the gunmen (bow gunmen?) let loose an array of arrows. Luck is on our side, however, and as far as I can tell we make it through without a scratch.
Leon races across the room, Ashley in tow, and jumps through a well placed window. The sound of glass shattering and Andrea firing off a round at our attacks pierce the air until all I can hear is the sound of rain as I leap through the window. We all land in a pile, my side connecting painfully with one of Leon's many fanny packs before rolling off of him. As Leon checks on Ashley Andrea tosses me a 9mm.
"I have a feeling you're gonna need it," she says. I nod and catch the end of Leon's conversation with Ashley.
"Don't worry; we got into this mess, we can get out of it." But, looking up at the darkened sky and feeling like a drowned rat, I wonder if Leon usually keeps his promises.