Nineteen: A Truth of Red on Blue Chapter 6, a kuroko no basuke/黒子のバスケ fanfic

Midorima went directly back to his room he shared with Kise, finding today two unwelcomed guests by the names of Aomine and Murasakibara.

"What. Are you doing here," he said flatly.

"Ahh, Mido-chin, hi," Murasakibara said, looking happier than usual with a bag of candy in his hands. "I didn't want to pay for another night in the hotel, so I came over with Minechin and Kisechin."

"This is not a haven for freeloaders!" Midorima huffed.

"Ahh, calm down, calm down," Aomine said lazily, waving a hand in the air. "Come on, I'm not a freeloader. I helped Kise with the dishes this morning."

"Geez, Midorima," Kise pouted. "You're so passive-aggressive. You could have just said 'go clean the dishes' instead of leaving that note on the fridge. So mean!"

Midorima grumbled, face in hand, already feeling a headache come on. "…enough. I'm going to bed."

"Ahh, okay," Murasakibara said. Quickly losing interest as Midorima shut himself gloomily in his room, he turned to the blond who was happily grinning at his iPhone on which he seemed to have a forum pulled up. "Kisechin, do you have any more snacks? I'm done."

"Already?" Kise said. "Ah, okay, one second. I think we have some more somewhere…"

Leaving his phone behind, Kise bounced to his feet and into the kitchen. While Midorima feigned annoyed at having his former teammates aggregate in his apartment, Kise showed no restraint in showing his joy. Whereas before, say in freshman year of high school, he might have found it a little annoying to have so many people mooching off of him, he had no such feelings now. Every extra person from the past was something to cherish now—something he had learned after Kuroko had almost died.

"If only I'd spent more time with him… we could have lost him, and yet I never got to show him how much I owe him…"

It was, Kise nodded to himself, comforting to know that his friends were still on this earth.

Meanwhile, as Kise rummaged around in the near-empty kitchen (no doubt Midorima would post another note on the fridge along the lines of Your fortune today says that it is good to take advantage of grocery sales) Murasakibara grabbed Kise's iPhone, glancing over it with an interested look in his eyes.

"Oi, oi, you shouldn't poke around other people's things," Aomine cautioned.

Murasakibara gave a childish pout. "But I'm curious."

Sighing, Aomine gave up, and Murasakibara proceeded to have his way with Kise's phone.

"Ah, I know this forum," Murasakibara said as he scrolled down the posts. "It's where people go to get help with some life problems."

"Huh? Kise's into things like that?" Aomine muttered. "What kinds of problems does he have? He's rich, he gets the girls…"

"No…" Murasakibara said. He found his way to Kise's post history, which was empty. "It doesn't look like he posts here. I think he replies."

Heading to the 'replies' sidebar, Murasakibara found that what he had guessed was true. "Ah, it seems he replies to a lot of people's problems."

"What?" Aomine guffawed. "What a weirdo."

"He's one of the top commenters… wow," Murasakibara said. "The site goes all the way back to almost two years ago…"

Instantly, Aomine was alert. Any phrase that contained 'a year ago' or 'two years ago' was of immediate interest. He could tell Murasakibara felt the same way by the way the giant's posture straightened just an inch.

Was it possible that they were going to find something here on this forum related to Kuroko?

Aomine scrambled to get a better view over Murasakibara's shoulder, which was nearly impossible normally, but since Aomine was on the couch, it was possible. There came a great crash from the kitchen and a wail of pain, which was ignored.

"You don't think…"

"…it's what I'm thinking," Murasakibara nodded. "If Kuro-chin knew about this site… do you think he would post here?"

"Is there any way to find something like that?" Aomine said, peering at the small screen. "They don't use real names on this thing, do they?"

"What are you guys doing," an irritated voice came from above. Yelping, Aomine jumped and somehow managed to tumble over Murasakibara's shoulders and into his lap, effectively hiding the iPhone from view. Midorima, in his nightclothes and looking very displeased with his arms folded across his chest, raised his eyebrows.

"So you two are like that?"

"No!" Aomine squawked. "No, no! It's just, you see—"

"Enough. I see it all. Don't worry, I won't be a busybody like Kise and tell everyone else."

"Y-You're misunderstanding!"

"Then what are you doing. Why is there such a ruckus in this place while I am trying to sleep."

"Not my fault!" Aomine said. "It's Kise who's messing around in the kitchen like a drunk elephant!"

"I'm engaged in a warzone here!" Kise yelled from the kitchen. "It'd be nice if you could give me a hand and help me out from under these pans!"

"Dear god…" Midorima breathed. Muttering viciously, he stomped to the kitchen and then started noise that resembled that of someone being beaten violently about the head with a pan.

"Sounds painful," Murasakibara commented.

"Sure, sure," Aomine said. He took the phone from the giant and stared at it pensively. "Ahh, if only I had Akashi's brains or something, I bet I could figure out how to find out if Tetsu posted on this thing or not…"

"Well, when you're talking about brains, isn't there one here?" Murasakibara pointed out.

"What? You can't… you can't mean your own, right?!"

"What's with that tone of voice," Murasakibara said, grabbing for Aomine's head. "It annoys me. I was talking about Midochin. He's always been pretty smart."

"Ohh, right," Aomine said, successfully evading Murasakibara's enormous hand. "I forgot about that. He's always such an idiot that I—"

"Who are you talking about?"

"Ah, Midochin, nice timing. Here, Kisechin's phone."

"Hey!"

"Why do I need this disgusting object that Kise uses?"

"Mean!"

"That forum, I've seen it before," Murasakibara said. "It's one where people post about their sad life problems, like not having enough snacks, and then people reply, trying to help them."

"And?"

Murasakibara sighed impatiently. "It's relatively new. It started back to about two years ago, November 12."

"…oh."

"What? What?" Kise said. "I don't get it. What was November 12?"

"Use your brain for once! It's Tetsu, Tetsu!"

"So you guys are thinking that maybe Kuroko posted on this forum?" Midorima said, eyes sharp.

"Ah, I guess you are pretty smart after all."

Midorima's eyebrow twitched, but he let it slide in the light of this new potential source of information. "Kise, what do you know about this site?"

"Ah!" Kise said eagerly, hoping to be useful. "Well, like Murasakibaracchi said, it started a couple years ago. I learned about it from one of my fans, who sent me an email asking if I could take a look at her new website. So, I did, being a good person, and decided that this would be a great way to pay back my fans! You know, like, helping the public with their problems to try to make their lives better since they give me so much support!"

"So corny…"

Kise decided to ignore Aomine's remarks. "The influx was pretty low for the first few months, and then after about a year, it really started to kick off."

"The first few months… that would be when Kuroko was probably having his problems," Midorima muttered. He found the search bar in no time and looked up dates from November 12 all the way to May 7. Instantly, a few hundred posts surfaced, all posted on dates within the time period Midorima had specified. "Found it."

"What?!"

The other three scrambled to see—Murasakibara only had to crane his neck a little—the small screen.

"Don't get so close," Midorima said disgustedly. "I meant that I've got the dates narrowed down… but you do know," he hesitated. "You do know that chances of Kuroko actually visiting this site are…"

"Slimmer than a stick of pocky," Murasakibara finished.

"But it's a chance…" Aomine said. "And it's better than nothing."

"Besides, I want to contribute something, too," Kise said. "If this in any way… ends up helping, then… because all you guys have something about Kurokocchi to say, and Akashicchi is doing all the work, so I just feel bad…"

"I didn't have anything to say at all to contribute to the investigation," Midorima negated.

"Neither did I," Murasakibara agreed.

"And even if you did, you would just feel like… shit," Aomine said quietly. "Knowing that you had a chance to stop him… but that you couldn't see that there was something wrong… it's the worst feeling."

Unexpectedly, he felt weight on his shoulder. He looked up. Midorima was resting a hand on his shoulder, looking dead ahead—like he didn't want to admit that he was trying to… comfort him?

It was like he was trying to say, it's okay in that awkward way of his where he didn't want to admit to being kinder than he actually seemed.

"Tch. I don't need your concern," Aomine muttered quietly. But, he made no move to brush off Midorima's hand. It was comforting, in a twisted way, to know that there was someone who felt almost as bad as he did…

"Everyone should get to bed," Midorima said after a while of silence. "I'll take your phone, Kise, if it's alright with you…"

"Sure. Anything that might help."

"But don't be disappointed if I don't find anything," Midorima cautioned. "In fact, the probability is high that I won't." He turned to leave, glasses flashing momentarily. "But, I'll try until I am 100% sure that there is nothing that can be found here."

Kise gave him a wobbly smile.

"Room with me tonight, Kise, in case I have any questions for you."

Kise looked surprised. "I thought you hated people intruding in your room…"

"An exception," Midorima sighed, "can be made in certain cases. Come." He nodded at Aomine and Murasakibara. "Good night, both of you."

"Right. See you tomorrow morning."

They filed into their respective rooms. Kise took the floor, Midorima the bed, unwilling to concede that much.

Midorima's mind was whirling with activity. He knew Murasakibara's sign had the second-best luck today, and Kise had first place… did this mean something?

He concentrated hard, running every detail of the day's earlier conversation through his head.

January 15, Seirin begins school again.

January 20, Aomine catches Kuroko, who seems fine at that point.

January 23, Seirin has their first practice after break. Kuroko, at this point, disappeared.

February 2, Aomine sees Kuroko again, who seems to have changed.

Judging from these facts… It was likeliest that something happened between January 20 and January 23. Midorima narrowed his search between these dates. There were nine posts.

"Find anything, Midorimacchi?" Kise asked. There wasn't a hint of sleepiness in his voice.

"Not yet. Get to bed. Lack of sleep decreases efficiency during the day, and god knows you're already dumb enough."

"Hey!" Kise mumbled. "Everyone always bullies me…"

Midorima began reading the posts, skimming through some of the following comments as well. He took note of each username.

"Does this site not allow anonymous posts?"

"Not at first," Kise said. "But after they began to be allowed, popularity really shot up."

"I see…"

[Nananono1990, January 20, 9:43

My mother recently went missing! I don't know what to do. I've contacted police and everything weeks ago, but they haven't found her yet. If you have seen Kana Kyousuke—]

"Kuroko's mother's name was… Kuroko Haku, right?"

"Mhm."

"Wrong person, then…"

He moved onto the next post.

[Kitaranchouhibinai January 20, 18:21

I am being bullied. I don't want to go to school anymore. Nobody looks at me. Nobody notices me except when they want to pick on me. I want to disappear completely. Can someone help me?]

"Do you think Kuroko ever got bullied?"

Kise immediately said, "No. He's not the type to get picked on. Plus, Kurokocchi wouldn't stand for it. He would stop it one way or another on his own, don't you think?"

"Right."

[09848237666 January 21, 23:01

I think I killed somebody.]

"What the… there's a murderer on this site?"

"…Can't be Kurokocchi," Kise said. "Kurokocchi would never do something like that, ever. Actually, no, I think I remember that post. I commented on it, didn't I?"

"What's your username?"

"Taseri Kiyou. You switch around the characters of my name."

"…Couldn't you have been a little more original? Moreover, I didn't ask to know the origins of your username," Midorima said. "Ah, I found your comment. 'Please report yourself to the police! Especially if it was an accident; the worst thing you can do is hide it.' Lame."

"What?" Kise said indignantly. "It's true! I was trying to get the guy to turn himself in before he maybe did something worse!"

"Alright, alright," Midorima said, shaking his head. He moved on to the next post.

[Shibatorada January 22, 2:03

I can't sleep. My neighbors are having a fight again. They're always fighting. I half wish they would move out. They live in the smallest, most unnoticeable house in the neighborhood that's been here for almost a century. Everywhere else has been renovated or rebuilt except for that house. I think it's because it's super cheap. It's right next to mine, and recently, there's been a lot of shouting, ever since November, I think.

I'm sorry that I am complaining, but to be truthful, I am a little worried. They have a son who is a few years younger than I am. I've only ever seen him twice. He has bright blue hair, so that's how I noticed him the first time, but then I blinked, and he was gone.

Midorima breathed in sharply. "Kise—Kise, I found—Kise, I found something."

"Holy—shit, Midorimacchi, move over!" Kise whispered in half-excitement, half dread. He leaped into the other's bed; Midorima barely made a noise of protest, so engrossed in the text.

[Earlier, a few hours ago, there was a really loud bang as if someone were slamming the door shut. I looked outside and after a while, I saw the kid walk out of his yard and down the street. I don't know where he went. There are still people yelling, I'm guessing his parents, in his house. I guess if I don't see him later today, coming home or something, I'll post again, just in case this is the start of something… I'm just worried.]

"How did you not see this post?" Midorima hissed, whisking his thumb across the touch screen to get to the comments.

"I don't know—no, wait. Someone stole my iPhone while I was modeling, so after a week, I got a new one and deactivated my old one… I didn't really bother to read everything that I had missed. I'm sorry! Damn, if I had only…"

"Stop blaming yourself! There's another post from him—or her—later."

[Shibatorada January 23, 2:49

I haven't seen the kid since. I'm starting to get a little worried. I heard screaming—like screaming as in bloody murder earlier. My family's all asleep; actually, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one awake right now in the neighborhood other than the people in that house. I learned the kid's name; funny how I've never bothered to learn it. I asked my parents today—I won't say the entire name in case, I don't know, someone does something weird with it, but his surname is Kuroko.

"No doubt about it then," Kise said in a hushed voice.

[If anyone knows this kid, let me know if you've seen him. I don't… I don't know why I'm so worried. It's just this gut feeling that I have that something wrong happened. I usually trust my instinct because ever since I was born, my parents have said that I've always managed to detect trouble before it's come, so now I'm just… really preoccupied.

Ah, it seems like someone is leaving the house—a woman? I can't see too well, the streetlight is dim, but it looks like a woman… she has a suitcase. I wonder if she's leaving? At any rate, the shouting has stopped…

I've no one else to tell, so I guess I'll post updates here.]

"Is there any way to contact this person?" Midorima asked.

"I—I don't know. You can look at their profile to see if they have any information on it, like an address, but there's no way to send people messages on this forum."

"What happens when you post a reply?"

"You usually get an email notification… you're not… are you?"

"We'll see where this goes," Midorima said grimly. "At the end, if need be, I will use your account to add a reply… is that alright?"

"Sure."

"But… didn't you say you got your phone taken from you?"

"Yeah… why?"

"You made a reply on this post on the same day." Midorima showed Kise.

[Taseri Kiyouta: wwoo thats so hilarious i hope somthing happens]

"Who the—that's not me!"

"I know. Even you don't write that idiotically."

[Shibatorada January 23, 18:59

The kid came back. I feel relieved. Thank you to those who told me you saw him on the streets earlier today. They really reassured me. I'm going to go to bed, soon. Staying up so late for so many days has really taken a toll on me. I have to start studying for Uni exams. Thanks again.]

"So in the end, nothing happened?" Midorima murmured.

"Hey—no, look, the next one! The username! I swear, that's gotta be Kurokocchi!" Kise yelped, grabbing the phone from Midorima, who let out a disgruntled noise.

"Hey—"

"Phantom11—Phantom11! Midorimacchi, isn't it? It has to be!"

"It could be just a coincidence…" Midorima said, not believing his own words. Kise had the best luck today. Wouldn't it make sense for him to be the one to find something out like this?

"Let me read—Kise?"

Kise's golden eyes were wide-open, in shock and what Midorima could only hazard a guess at as horror. His hands were limp as Midorima cautiously took the phone from him. Without another moment's hesitation, he read the post from Phantom11 quickly, but it didn't process in his mind. He had to read it twice more before it finally registered, and then finally, finally, things clicked.

"Yo, Tetsu. What's that on your arm? …Tetsu?"

"I… fell down the stairs."

"Why?"

"It's just that—I haven't been sleeping well lately."

It would make too much sense—Kuroko being kicked out of his house late at night would explain why Aomine thought he looked so tired. The bruises on his wrists Aomine caught a glimpse of were now explained…

The post was gut wrenching, but more than that, the first comment on that post was more horrifying—or rather, the potential effects it could have had were terrifying.

"Kise… did you ever tell anyone your username for this?"

Kise's tears were only confirmation for Midorima's fears.

"Was it Kuroko?

The golden-haired boy clamped his hand over his mouth, tears leaking from his eyes as he nodded.

Midorima swiftly, without a single extra movement, got out of the bed and changed into day-clothes: a simple dark green v-neck and black cargo shorts. He motioned to Kise.

"Are you coming?"

"Where are—where are you going? Moreover, you're not mad at me?"

Midorima turned, fixing his green eyes on Kise's yellow ones. "Why would I be?"

"It—it was my account! I could have been the cause of Kurokocchi's—Kurokocchi's suicide!"

"It's not your fault that you got your phone stolen," Midorima snapped. "And it didn't even sound like you. And even if Kuroko believed that it was you that said it… he's not that weak."

But Midorima's words fell flat in his mouth; not even he himself believed them. He's not that weak. What was weakness? Was turning to suicide really weakness?

Wasn't facing death supposed to be terrifying?

What would drive Kuroko to surpass even fear of death to escape life?

"I'm going to Seirin," Midorima announced.

"Seirin? Why?"

"I… just have a feeling that I can find out some things there."

Kise's eyes darted to the digital clock on Midorima's bookshelf. It was after eleven. The school doors would be locked, and no doubt there would be a couple of patrols later into the night.

But of course, none of this mattered.

It didn't matter that this could be held off until tomorrow. It didn't matter at all that it was an unreasonable hour. It didn't matter that they could be caught.

If it was for Kuroko…

"Okay. I'm coming. We should bring Aomine and Murasakibara, too—"

"No," Midorima said flatly. "That's too many people. We might get caught."

Kise got to his feet angrily. "They have a right to come! How would you feel if it were them who had found this out and then later you discovered they went and investigated on their own while leaving you out of the loop?!"

Midorima seemed to have an internal struggle for a moment. He breathed in deeply.

"Fine. I'll wake them up. You get changed. We're leaving as soon as everyone is ready."

Leaving Kise to prepare, Midorima grabbed a camera and left the room. He knocked loudly on Kise's door before going in and throwing on the lights.

"Hey—what the fuc—"

"Midochin, I'll get angry."

Midorima crossed the room to the bed in a few strides. He shoved the iPhone in their faces.

"Kise and I are going to Seirin in a few minutes. We found some evidence on this forum of what may have happened to Kuroko. Phantom11 we are assuming is Kuroko. The first comment was posted from Kise's account, but not by Kise himself, rather from the thief that stole his iPhone. Read it and then decide if you're coming."

Aomine and Murasakibara exchanged glances before taking the phone from Midorima.

[Phantom11 January 24, 1:59

I was sexually assaulted twice. I won't go into details. I don't want to relive it.

He let me go. The first time, he said he would hurt one of my friends if I ever reported him. I started avoiding my friend after that, not wanting to get him into trouble.

The second time was today, just a few hours ago after I met a friend. I went… home afterwards, I think. I'm not really sure.

I feel dirty. Disgusting. I want to cleanse myself, but I can't. I can't stand this feeling; I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing what was done to me. When I think about what happened, an inexplicable panic takes over me, and I almost hyperventilate, then I almost stop breathing. I tense up, and can't do anything for several moments until I finally regain control over myself. I feel so dirty. I want to escape. It's like I've been plunged into a place without light or even darkness—a place so empty that I want to escape no matter what it takes.

Can someone help me?]

[Taseri Kiyou: What the heck? Youre disgusting. Why didnt you fight back? Why did you let him do that to you? I bet you provoked him! People like you who push the blame on the other guy are the worst. You should just disappear!]

"What the hell is this guy saying?" Murasakibara growled.

"That… January 24, 1:59 in the morning… a few hours ago would mean… just after I talked to him," Aomine breathed, horrified. His eyes, gleaming strangely in the light, moved up to meet Midorima's. "I… how could I have…"

"On second thought, I don't feel too well today, Aomine-kun. I'll go home instead."

"I should have, no matter what, stopped him… If only I had…"

Murasakibara laid a heavy hand on Aomine's head.

"We're coming," Murasakibara said. There was a hardness in his voice that neither the other two had ever heard before. "Just lead the way."

"Right. Get changed first, preferably into something black."

"Black?"

"We're going to break into someplace," Midorima said quietly, turning around. His glasses shone momentarily as he pushed them up his face with more force than usual. His heart was beating fast, but a frightening calm had taken over the rest of his body and his mind. "It could be dangerous. We could get caught."

"Doesn't matter," Murasakibara said. "We're coming. Right, Minechin?"

Aomine was already ripping his clothes off and changing into a black t-shirt and shorts.

"We're leaving in five minutes. We have to catch the last bus to Seirin."

With that, Midorima left. He found Kise waiting by the door, looking ready to go and dressed in all black. Moments later, the other two were out.

The air was heavy. Kise and Aomine looked anywhere but at the others, no doubt feeling immensely guilty. Midorima couldn't open his mouth to say anything to them; part of him wanted to shout at them for having played a part in Kuroko's suicide; another part of him wanted to tell them that it was not their fault; and yet another part condemned him, told him that he had no right to acquiesce to either of the former two desires because he, too, was at fault.

If only Akashi were here to say something to them as he had done to Midorima…

If only?

Midorima blinked.

How often had he heard that term 'if only' and its variations used in the past two days?

"I should have, no matter what, stopped him… If only I had…"

"If only I hadn't given up then…"

"It wasn't right at all. If I'd just asked… If only I hadn't given up then… If I asked him what was wrong, because I knew there was something wrong with Tetsu, but I just didn't think it was that serious…"

"It's just… that day, if I'd followed Oha Asa's advice…"

He shook his head. Now was not the time to think about such things. He doubted Akashi was still up; the boy had looked exhausted at their meeting. His mind flashed back to what Kise had said—"They have a right to come! How would you feel if it were them who had found this out and then later you discovered they went and investigated on their own while leaving you out of the loop?!"

"Should we… tell Akashi and Kagami?" Midorima posed uncertainly.

"Let's not… Akashicchi is already doing so much… he needs sleep," Kise murmured. "Plus, the last bus doesn't go past his or Kagamicchi's hotels, right? Come on, let's go, we'll miss the bus."

"Right."

They were all so silent in the bus, bubbling over with guilt and outrage. Midorima knew the others wanted an explanation for why he wanted to go to Seirin—or, rather, how he was so positive that it was at Seirin where they would get more information, but he didn't want to talk about it until he was 100% positive.

"…you hear?"

"You mean the sexual assaults? Yeah, but they're just rumors, you know… don't act so scared."

"Don't lie! You're scared too!"

It had taken an instant for everything to come together for Midorima, but these events were all held together with a fragile string that could be snapped at any moment.

"His house is close to my apartment, so sometimes I ask him to help me carry some things home."

And more than anything…

"As of now… just that Tetsuya's reaction towards his teacher was rather odd."

He just didn't want to believe that it could be true.

There was a sound like the blinds being hit on the window; sunlight rushed in, momentarily illuminating the two people inside. Midorima couldn't help looking. His eyes widened.

A female student.

A male teacher.

He clenched his eyes shut tightly. He had never begged for anything, not in his 19 years, but today, he found himself pleading for the first time…

Please, don't let it be true.

Can someone help me?

"Why…" Kise murmured. Midorima looked away from his face; there were tears swimming in his eyes. "Why? Why didn't he come to us for help?"

"He must have been ashamed," Midorima said, feeling as if his heart had turned to lead—his chest was so heavy.

"Ashamed? Ashamed of what?" Kise cried.

"You read it. What Kuroko said," Midorima said. The next words he nearly tripped over because, although he would never admit it, they hurt.

They hurt a lot.

Though Kuroko called himself nothing but a shadow, in reality, he was himself a sort of light. In their darkest moments, the Generation of Miracles was guided by Kuroko himself out of their broken husks and into a brighter world, which they had once known but had since forgotten. They could not reiterate it enough:

They were all saved by Kuroko.

Knowing this, it made it the pain that much more excruciating upon realizing how little they had done for him.

It made the pain that much sharper upon realizing how Kuroko must have felt.

It made it that much worse upon reliving those words.

"Kuroko… He called himself disgusting."

The word was like a whip. They all internally flinched, unable to help themselves.

"He must have thought we would see him differently… treat him differently if we knew what had been done to him. He must have been scared that we would push him away…"

A more disturbing thought hit Midorima then. If Kuroko had believed that his closest friends would shun him after learning the truth, did that not also mean that…

"He must have lost trust in us…"

Kise looked shocked. More than shocked. Disturbed, almost, frightened, hurt, and more than anything, guilty. He wasn't the only one. The other three, even Murasakibara, mirrored his expression, eyes glazed with what one would call hot, dry, bitter tears. Kise, the most prone to letting his emotions steer him, was already crying. The hot tears splashed against his knees on which his hands were clenched so tightly that his fingernails were beginning to break the skin on his palms.

"I still can't understand…"

If only his tears could have never fallen…

If only the hurt could be erased…

If only time could be reversed…

If only…

If only…

Again, thank you for all the support.

Kuroko's experience and reaction were taken mainly from my own experience. No, before you ask, I was not exactly sexually assaulted, and no, it was not a teacher. It was more that something intimate forced on me (I'm a virgin still, so not that bad) by my ex, who knew that I was really uncomfortable with doing such things. Afterwards, I came out feeling very confused and very disgusted with myself and entered a period of self-loathing, out of which I emerged only after I learned to separate my thoughts and my feelings from each other, which probably in itself wasn't even the best thing to do. Even now, a year and two days later, I cannot fathom ever being handled like that again and start having the same reactions if I think about it too much. I myself wish that there was a way to erase these feelings, to make it better, but I have not found one. I am sure that it will come as I mature, so I will wait.

I inserted this into Kuroko's story because I want to help raise awareness of these things. It is sexual assault awareness month after all, haha. Too often, I hear the phrases "s/he was asking for it" or "it's his/her fault that s/he got sexually assaulted like that," and I wanted to tell anyone, everyone that it is not true. If by reading Kuroko's experience you can take away something, I consider my goal achieved. But, if you already know that it is not the victim's fault, that nobody 'asks for it,' cookies for you!

One thing that really hurts, though, is when people tell you to get over it. I never complained about my experience; I told only my closest friends once, and then it was a closed book. However, I did take steps to never run into my ex and to cut off communication as much as possible. These things irritated his friends, understandably, who in turn told me to grow up, become mature and become friends with him once again. One told me it was my fault, in any case. The ones who did not know me hated me for avoiding him, even though they did not understand my own position. They talked about 'if she didn't exist;' someone - my best friend - even said this to me directly.

Never do this to a person who has been violated.

I tried talking to him to placate my friends.

I regretted it.

Refusing to forgive is not immature. Being strong is not composed of showing that you can move past it and forgive. Being strong is sticking to your own morals.

My sister is much better at explaining this sort of stuff than I am. She taught me all of this, that it's not my fault, etc, and helped me to ultimately take steps away from how badly I was feeling. Hopefully, I have managed to get my point across…

But don't worry! I am doing fine, so long as I don't have to communicate with him.

Anyways, enough ranting. And sorry if you do not share my views. Happy sexual assault awareness month.

As always, thank you for the support! And sorry for OOCness; I just can't seem to write Murasakibara very well.

Thank you for reading! I hope you all have a nice day :)