1531. Babysitting

Alright, so, not gonna lie… I was kinda expecting Hector to be able to take care of himself by this point. I don't really remember what I was like when I was ten (or if I ever even was ten), but I'm pretty sure I was more capable than this. I mean, he doesn't know how to do anything except duel, eat, sleep, squeal, be a general annoyance, and garden. And he's always hanging around me, as if he expects me to teach him stuff! Pssht. What do I look like, a babysitter?!

Well, apparently that is what I look like to Nasch, because he told me today that I have to start actually supervising Hector instead of just letting him run around doing whatever. You know what, I bet this is Mizael's doing. That prissy yellow dragon-freak must have gone whining to Nasch, just because Hector may or may not have consumed an entire jar of sugar before drawing flowers all over Tachyon in purple crayon. Luckily, the dragon seems to like him for some reason, otherwise he would have ended up barbeque, but Mizael… he is a strange little man, let's just say that. I think he got subconsciously jealous that *gasp!* Tachyon can abide someone other than him, so he must have complained to Nasch about how Hector was distracting him from all the important work that he was doing (aka watching reruns of Dragon Tales).

So Nasch called me out and insisted that I actually pay attention to Hector, which, because I wasn't really in the mood for a lightning bolt to the face, I grudgingly decided to do.

I have spent the last hour or so fervently regretting that decision. And/or inadvertently teaching Hector cuss words.

Don't get me wrong; it's not that he gets into trouble. Oh, no. The problem is that he refuses to get into trouble. It took me twenty minutes just to convince him that putting a Whoopie cushion on Nasch's throne was not going to hurt anyone, and even then he was so afraid of somebody seeing him that he forgot to inflate it.

Having a clone that won't engage in mischief and rascality with me is kinda frustrating, since that is pretty much what I created him for in the first place. On top of that, he is just so freaking clumsy that he ruins anything I can get him to do. For example, Merag happened to be taking a nap at the time (because she's one of the few people around here who actually does productive stuff and thus was tired), so I suggested that we Sharpie her face. I made it sound like a fun coloring game, though, so Hector unwittingly agreed, and I told him to draw something funny, like a moustache or a unibrow.

So we go into her room, right? Hector's got the Sharpie uncapped, and I'm standing in front of him, urging him forward because Merag's kind of a light sleeper and we had to avoid triggering one of Nasch's alarms. Well, Hector tripped and fell forward with the Sharpie in his hand, smashing into me and sending both of us to the floor.

This obviously woke Merag up; she looked about ready to blast us with icicles, but as soon as her eyes landed on me, she simply started laughing. Turns out that while he was flailing around and bumping into me, Hector's Sharpie had drawn a moustache on my face.

So I was forced to beat a hasty retreat to avoid further humiliation, and Hector honestly didn't understand why I was embarrassed, which somehow made it even worse. Luckily, Bingo's saliva happens to be perfect for dissolving things, but it made my face sting… anyway, that was only one example of the kind of stuff I had to deal with during that horrible hour. There was actually one thing that happened that was so singular that I had to give it its own point:

1532. Capes.

Ten minutes after the Sharpie incident, my cheeks were still red from either the acidic Bingo-drool or shame (or both), and I still had twenty minutes to kill before I could tell Nasch I'd successfully supervised my clone. Now, considering my previous failures, I'm not quite sure what possessed me to even try to do anything at all, but I was getting bored and I wanted to torture Nasch a little.

Now, some points back, I had stapled Nasch's cape to the ceiling of Hector's room. It stayed there for quite a while, and Hector told me he used it as a curtain of sorts, though I really don't know what he'd even use a curtain in the middle of his room for, anyway. However, he must've been using it for something, because it finally came down a couple days ago. It was just sitting there on the floor in a little forlorn pile, and seeing it gave me a wicked idea.

I told Hector that whoever wore the cape was the leader of the Barian Emperors. Despite his many failings, he does seem to have my intelligence, because he didn't believe me at first, citing Nasch's many spare capes as evidence of the fact that the cloth was nothing more than a fashion statement. I, however, have far more experience tricking than he does being tricked, so I was able to convince him that the spares were really Nasch's way of saving face after being forced to give up the source of his power, and that he was just waiting for the magical sealing staples I'd used to fasten the cape to the ceiling to wear off so he could take it back. I may have also insinuated that Nasch was a cruel tyrant who was bending the other Emperors to his will, and that it was Hector's patriotic duty to don the cape and free us all from the Evil One. Something like that, I don't really remember the details.

Anyway, Hector totally fell for it, and watching him run around tripping over that ridiculous cape and urging the others to break free from their bonds of servitude and rise up against the tentacle-headed oppressor was one of the most hilarious things I've seen in a while. Alito must not have realized that he was serious and thought he was playing some kind of game, because he tied his cloak around his neck and even helped Hector bother Girag into joining their little "rebellion." However, Mizael downright refused to even acknowledge them, so Hector actually came running back to me, saying that Miza-chan wouldn't listen and he needed my help to make him see the error of his ways. By that point, I had to constantly choke back my laughter, so I couldn't possibly refuse joining in… though I ultimately decided to have Mizael labeled an unholy false prophet who was beyond saving in the interest of not getting burnt to a crisp by Tachyon.

Hector's next targets were Durbe and Merag, who happened to be doing some kind of paperwork together. Durbe insisted that it was very important, but Merag must have thought we were all playing make-believe (which I guess by that point we were), so she eventually convinced "Sir Bores-alot" to help us storm the palace and knock some sense into her "big mean brother."

Then came the part I had been waiting for: to see the look on Nasch's face when Hector walked into the throne room wearing his cape and declaring that he was the leader of the New Barian Republic (as our ridiculous band of rebels had taken to calling ourselves). And boy was it worth it. Everything from anger to confusion to betrayal and even that special Nasch brand of annoyance occupied his features all at once, making him look like he'd either mutated in the face or sucked on a carton of energy-lemons.

However, instead of lashing out or even continuing to be upset, do you know what he did? He played along! Like, he started calling Hector things like "young hero" and dramatically monologuing about his inevitable defeat. I mean, he actually got into it! And he even pretended to let Hector beat him up! While it was certainly amusing to watch, it wasn't nearly as funny as I'd imagined Nasch exploding with rage would have been, so I was slightly disappointed.

As if that didn't ruin everything, Hector must have figured out that I'd lied to him about the cape somewhere along the line, because when Mizael decided to be a party-pooper and broke the news to him, he wasn't nearly as shocked as I would have liked.

And then came the icing on the Disappointment-flavored cake: Nasch decided that we'd wasted too much time and told us all (excepting Hector) to go to the conference room for a boring meeting. He said it was super important, but all I heard was "it will waste three hours of your life." So, yeah. There ain't no way I'm gonna let him get off without a point for ruining my fun.

1533. Meeting

Now, if there's one thing I've noticed about these "important" meetings, it's that they're almost never important. I don't think I've actually listened to a single word that's been said during any of them. That's because they're usually about things like taxes or other evils of the bureaucracy that mean nothing to me except lots of pointless hoops to jump through and red tape. So, when Nasch called the meeting to order, I raised my hand and jokingly asked if this was about the end of the world.

He stared at me like I had three heads and asked, "How did you know?!"

That was when I realized we had a problem.

Turns out, Merag had some kind of freaky dream about Barian World falling apart while she was napping earlier, so Nasch wanted to know if any of us had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Merag has prophetic dreams every once in a while, so we all had to take her seriously... although her last "vision" was of me turning into a human with orange hair and falling down some stairs, so I don't really trust her accuracy all that much.

Anyway, apparently there were no immediate signs of our impending doom, so the meeting moved on to less interesting things and I found myself staring off into space singing "ninety-nine Duel Monsters cards on the wall" in my head.

By the time I got to twenty-three, Durbe was talking about taxes again, and I was seriously about to explode. I needed something ridiculous to happen, and fast. So the next time Durbe asked me a question, I just said the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be "saxophones." Don't ask me why.

Well, it turns out that the question was "Why didn't you file your 1040 EZ this year?", and apparently "saxophones" was not one of the responses that would have prevented me from being audited by the Barian Internal Revenue Service. The BIRS is one of the most evil organizations in the known universe; no one knows exactly where they come from or even what they are, but bad things happen to Barians who don't fill out their forms. Shrouded in mystery, BIRS agents are known simply as "the Tax Men," and they are feared by everyone, including, to some extent, me. So, when Durbe told me I was gonna get an audit, I freaked. I made up some excuse about giving saxophone lessons and not knowing whether that income was taxable, which turned out to be my doom.

Not only did Durbe buy the excuse and offer to help me fill out my forms, but now the others want me to give them music lessons! I know, stupid, right? Apparently Merag thought it would be fun to learn to play something (she said it'd make her seem more "cultured," whatever the heck that means), and then Durbe just HAD to join her, which of course set off Nasch's possible-boyfriend-proximity sensors so he wants lessons, too, and then Alito figured learning an instrument was now the "cool" thing to do and immediately wanted in on it, and Girag just does whatever Alito does… and Mizael, for some reason, has always legitimately wanted to learn the flute. Tch… like lemmings following each other off a cliff, these guys.

They even said they'd be willing to pay me, which I appreciate, but there's just one little problem.

I DON'T PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS. NOT EVEN THE MOTHER-F***ING SAXOPHONE.

But if I don't give them lessons, I'm gonna get audited, so I guess I'll come up with something. Still. Point for the freaking meeting being so boring that I ruined my own life trying to entertain myself.

1534. Music

Yeah, I knew these instrumental lessons were gonna blow up in my face. But as I stated earlier, I was caught between a rock and a pointy rock, so I rushed to the library and started leafing through all the books on musicianship I could find. So frenzied was I that the librarian (one of Durbe's people, naturally) threatened to kick me out, but luckily Bingo can unhinge his jaw and swallow things up to ten times larger than himself, so I was able to continue my research undisturbed.

Turns out music has all kinds of complicated stuff like notes and chords and mixed meter... but that kind of structure just ain't my style. I figured out how to play the saxophone through trial and error; the flute was a little harder, but I made noises eventually (even though they sounded like a garbage truck). When it came time to pass my knowledge on to my pupils (aka pull something out of my a**), I basically just played random notes but made it look really cool, and surprisingly, it worked. I dubbed this brand-new technique "improvisational jazz," improvisational because I didn't know what the flip I was doing, and jazz because it just sounds awesome. Jaaaaazzzzz. See, isn't that awesome?

Not surprisingly, the others were terrible at it. Durbe nearly short-circuited just by being faced with the possibility of no structure, and Girag completely lacks any creative capacity. Alito got bored after two seconds, and Nasch blatantly refused to even do anything, just sat there and watched Durbe and Merag like a hawk. Merag is actually pretty good at the saxophone; she has a really smooth tone, low, silky smooth like chocolate or a back massage, but improv is just not her thing. And as for Mizael... well, frankly, he's great, but I never really liked the flute.

So, I guess I created a new art form (?). I don't really know what the heck it is, but whatever. Still, I'm kinda mad that I had to do this in the first place, so Nasch is getting another point.

1535. Suspicions

Basically, Nasch found out that the librarian's mysteriously gone missing, and of course he just assumed it had something to do with me.

Tch. The bias around here is ridiculous.

Author's Note: This chapter was somehow even more random than the others, despite the fact that the points all kind of lead into each other. Although, to be honest, randomness is expected in this fic, I think.

Yes, Vector just invented jazz. Interesting tidbit: when jazz first started becoming popular, it was basically seen as sinful devil-music, kind of like rock and roll. As for how the Barians are able to play woodwind instruments... it's magic. (JK, they can probably make the reeds vibrate or blow air through their gems or something. Don't think about it too much, it's not meant to be serious.)

Thanks to FairyLyte for 1532, Durbe the Barian for 1533, and Charlotte Ink for 1534 (I tweaked the suggestion a little bit...). I have gotten A TON of suggestions, so if I didn't use yours, don't feel bad; I pick suggestions that I think will work well together in a chapter, so if yours hasn't popped up yet, it might later. That being said, thanks for all your awesome suggestions, and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE. I NEEEEED THEM...