The light filtered through the thin rice paper screen, gently illuminating the rustic master bedroom of the Uchiha cottage. It bathed the floor, the walls, the matching night tables, and the two sleeping inhabitants in its ephemeral glow. It was in this way that Sasuke sneezed himself awake. Groggily wiping his nose, he looked around, expecting to see his deep blue walls looking back at him. Instead, he nearly had a mini panic attack at the sight of the unfamiliar whitewashed walls. He looked around quickly, and, spotting the sleeping figure of a pink-haired woman next to him, promptly had that mini panic attack.
'Where...who...where...?' Sasuke thought sleepily as he rubbed his eyes to make sure he didn't just imagine this woman into his bed. That had happened far too often...
Then, it hit him like a brick in the family jewels: he was married now. This woman was his wife, and he was in a new house with a new life. The events of the previous day came flooding back to him as he groaned as fell back against his surprisingly comfortable pillows. Sasuke then risked another glance at the sleeping form next to him. For all his mumblings and shifting, Sakura had not waken up. The blanket had fallen from around her shoulders, where she had so vehemently kept them the night before, Sasuke recalled, to reveal her naked back. Looked as if something else had fallen as she slept, too. Sasuke ogled the slenderness of her form until he remembered her hated this, this... Pinky. He threw the covers from himself and set about to getting dressed, all the while tiptoeing nimbly on his feet. If nothing else, Sasuke was positively graceful. After carefully maneuvering the unfamiliar terrain that was his new bedroom, Sasuke located his clothes, slipping into them quickly lest his bride wake up to see him waddling about in his boxer shorts. After giving his hair a once over in the mirror, Sasuke glanced back once more at the sleeping Sakura to ascertain that he had not woken her. He was greeted by the sight of her completely bare, yet perfectly formed, breasts staring him straight in the face. He cursed at the involuntary tightening of his pants, having just managed to lose his morning wood. He traipsed over to her and pulled the covers over her still-bare chest so she could no longer seduce him from the enthralls of her sleep. With one last scowl, Sasuke swept from the room, thoughts of old grandmothers, athlete's foot, and that disgusting InstaRamen crap Naruto loved so much floating through his mind as he tried desperately, for the second time that morning, to coax his throbbing member into a state of neutrality.
X-x-X
With a yawn, Sakura uncurled herself from her sleeping-ball position, graceful as a cat and unaware that she woke up much more glamorously than her new groom. And yet not unlike him, she looked around the room, expecting to see her own faint pink walls greeting her like usual. She also had a mini panic attack when she realized she was most definitely not in her own room anymore.
"What the hell...?" she mumbled thickly, the throes of sleep still tugging at her subconscious. Shaking her head, Sakura looked around once more, her surroundings suddenly becoming familiar to her.
"Oh yeah, I live here now..." she mumbled, stretching luxuriously, the covers falling into a pool on her lap. Feeling an odd breeze, Sakura got the urge to look down.
"Holy fuck!" she exclaimed, hastily readjusting her flimsy nightgown to cover her exposed chest, looking around for Sasuke. Luckily, he wasn't there. A little uncomfortable with herself, Sakura got out of the bed, dragging the sheets around her just in case he decided to make a surprise entrance. Halfway through stumbling around the room carelessly, knocking random items over as she went, Sakura experienced a harrowing revelation.
"Crap."
X-x-X
The smell of something delicious and buttery reached Sakura's nose as she ambled through the halls, looking for the kitchen. Following her nose, she emerged into a spacious kitchen, complete with food and everything.
"Morning lazy-ass," Sasuke drawled at her from the stove. Sakura scoffed at him and took to the pantry, not deigning to answer to such an undignified greeting. Pretentious ass.
"Don't bother; there's no food in there," Sasuke called, his tone indicating that he was wearing an insufferable smirk.
"I see that, thanks Lieutenant Dipshit," she mumbled, sauntering over to the lieutenant himself, partly to make him uncomfortable with her close proximity and partly because she was starving.
"Aww that's too bad; if you had been nicer to me, I might have shared my eggs with— hey! What are you doing? That's my shirt!" the furious Uchiha sputtered, having finally noticed Sakura clad in one of his t-shirts... and nothing else. She blushed such a shade of pink as to rival her hair color.
"Well!" she exclaimed defensively, "I don't have any clothes here! And this is all I could find, unless you wanted me to walk around naked... don't answer that," she added hastily, wagging her finger at him while simultaneously shoving him out of her way so she could get a look at his breakfast. Sasuke was still gaping angrily at her. What did that woman think she was doing? Wearing his shirt... he should divorce her just to teach her a lesson.
"Uh, Sasuke? Are your eggs normally green?" Sakura asked, wrinkling her nose at the putrid smell coming from the pan. Sasuke glanced over her shoulder, peering at what was supposed to be his breakfast.
"Rotten," he spat, taking the whole pan and throwing it in the trash can. They both sat down at the breakfast table, not speaking. Just looking at each other. After a few minutes of this, Sakura finally cleared her throat.
"So... are you going to go out and get us some breakfast?" she ventured, folding her hands primly in front of her. Sasuke blinked.
"Well, as my wife, and as a woman, I expect you to coordinate the meals," he folded his hands equally as primly before him, flashing that intolerable smirk again. For what he thought was cleverness, Sasuke received a vase in the face.
"Aw look, Sasuke, the color of your face almost matches the roses!" Sakura cooed, reaching over to tickle an irate Sasuke under the chin patronizingly. Before he could retort angrily and suffer even more damage, a loud bang sounded from the front door.
"What was that?" Sakura whispered, immediately getting up to cower behind Sasuke.
"Good morning love birds!" came the call, reverberating throughout the halls of the near-empty house.
"Naruto," Sasuke muttered, disentangling himself from Sakura to go order his friend to fetch them breakfast. Luckily, that was not needed.
"Thought we should celebrate this joyous occasion with, yes, you guessed it, RAMEN!" the blond exclaimed, bursting into the kitchen. His eyes automatically settled on Sakura.
"Well, hello," he purred, knocking the breath out of Sasuke as he shoved a 12-pack of InstaRamen at his chest as he sidled up to Sakura, "I should introduce myself; I'm Uzumaki Naruto, the man your new husband is having an affair with," he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows as Sasuke fumed behind him and Sakura laughed at his expression.
"Well, Uzumaki Naruto, you've saved your lover and I from starvation, and at a great time too; I think he was considering eating my face," Sakura smirked, raising her eyebrows at her beau. He rolled his eyes.
"Here, you have your breakfast, and I'm going out... by the way, my mother's coming over later so show you how to be a proper Uchiha housewife," Sasuke shoved the box of InstaRamen at her, grabbed a protesting Naruto by the collar and dragged him out the door, leaving a gaping Sakura in his wake.
"Wait! What time is she coming?" she called, holding the box stupidly.
"I don't know, so you pretty much have to stay at the house all day. Maybe you should clean up before she comes too," Sasuke called over his shoulder, chuckling as he slammed the door behind him before Sakura could let him have it. Naruto shook him off, straightening his jacket.
"That wasn't very gentleman-like, you know," he commented as he fell into step next to his raven-haired friend. Sasuke gave a nonchalant shrug, sticking his hands into his pockets.
"So where are we going?" Naruto inquired.
"Anywhere but here."
X-x-X
"And I brought you this!" Uchiha Mikoto exclaimed, shoving a hideous statue at a cringing Sakura, who was now clad in an old floral-pattern dress that Mikoto insisted looking "darling" on her.
"Umm, thank you Mikoto-san, but, erm, what is it?" Sakura asked tentatively, looking into the face of the ugly tiki-looking dwarf. Mikoto looked ready to burst with joy.
"It's a fertility statue! Fugaku and I used it after our Itachi was born, because I wasn't getting pregnant for some reason, and then lo and behold, I got pregnant right away with Sasuke! Hopefully this little guy still has some magic in it for you two!" Mikoto patted the statue on the head lovingly as Sakura started, horrified at the prospect that her mother-in-law expected children from her so soon. And the fact that she would need to sleep with Sasuke to achieve this. Gross.
"Uh, Mikoto-san, I don't think Sasuke and I will need this so soon," Sakura stammered, setting the little statue who was supposed to bless her womb on the coffee table. Immediately, the smile fell from Mikoto's lips.
"Sakura-chan, as a member of the Uchiha Clan, you are expected to provide this family with an heir. Now, I'm not expecting you to pop one out tomorrow, but Fugaku and I, as well as your parents, expect you to fall pregnant within the year, at the latest," Mikoto admonished matter-of-factly, taking the awful fertility statue to the happy couple's bedroom, a defeated Sakura trailing in her wake. As Mikoto continued to chat happily, Sakura began to strategize in her head.
'Ok, so I'm not going to be sleeping with Sasuke any time soon, yet they expect a child... I suppose I could steal one... but then how would I explain the lack of pregnancy? Or, I could claim Sasuke was impotent,' Sakura mused in her head, her latter solution making her chuckle evilly.
"...and really, what better gift can you give your husband than a nice home-cooked meal?" Mikoto was chattering in Sakura's left ear. She nodded, plastering a painfully sweet smile on her face.
'Ok, what if I just gain a bunch of weight, then go with the steal a child plan? Or maybe someone else can get me pregnant... anyone else... Neji and Sasuke look kinda alike, right?' Sakura smacked herself mentally. How in the Hell was she supposed to explain to her mother-in-law that she actually did not want to bear her son's children?
"Well anyway, dear, I hope those cooking and cleaning and parenting tips helped out! I really should be going; Fugaku has a meeting and I should make him dinner for when he comes home," Mikoto pinched her daughter-in-law's cheek, giving the fertility statue that was to help her gain some grandchildren an extra pat on the head.
"Of course; it was lovely seeing you Mikoto-san," Sakura bowed, pointedly avoiding eye-contact with the bringer of her destruction, that little tiki head. It took all of two seconds after Mikoto left for Sakura to put the statue in a closet... on the other side of the compound, where he could do no harm.
X-x-X
Sasuke stopped suddenly, sensing a presence just behind him. Naruto gave him a quizzical look. Sasuke shushed him with a hand.
"Who's there?" he called out. It was dark; he and Naruto had been out all day, and were just going out to eat before Sasuke had to return to his prison sentence.
"Sasuke, no one's there..." Naruto poked his friend on the shoulder. "Have you gone crazy or something?" he squinted into the darkness.
"Shut up Naruto, someone's there, and I think it's..."
"Very good, Uchiha."