Chapter Six: Older Brothers

Castiel had a difficult time dragging himself out of bed that morning. He felt increasingly weary as he pulled off his shoes he had slept in just to change socks and his jeans, and then put them back on. He pulled a shirt off his floor, unsure of whether or not it was clean or dirty. Who cared anyway? He probably smelled from his lack of shower as it was. He brushed his teeth, and ran his head over his hair to flatten it. He couldn't be bothered to brush it, and he didn't see a point anyway. He had no one to impress.

He donned his coat and followed Gabriel out the door. They left earlier than his other brothers to avoid any extra bullying. Once in the car, Gabriel tried to start a conversation.

"What happened yesterday, Cassie?"

"I do not wish to talk about this, Gabriel." Castiel stared head on at the road, watching the white dashes dividing the lanes disappear under the car.

"I tried to talk to Lucifer." Gabriel tried to get Cas to talk again, but to no avail. He didn't give any sort of response this time, just dumbly stared out the windshield.

Upon arrival at the school, Gabriel slowed his pace to let Cas walk in front of him, to give him his space. Castiel appreciated it, he didn't want anyone around him.

That morning, Sam didn't join Castiel on the snow covered bench to watch snowflakes. Which was fine, Castiel wasn't really watching them anyway. And besides, he figured Sam was just late. Dean didn't seem like the punctual type.

The bell rang, and Castiel shuffled off to his classes. Geometry passed in a daze, as did periods two and three. English was next, and Castiel's stomach turned uneasily. Sam was in that class, and Castiel wasn't sure what would happen. He wasn't even sure what to say to Sam.

For a long, almost relieving instant, Castiel thought Sam wasn't going to be in class. Castiel was there early, as usual, but when the warning bell rang, Sam's floppy hair didn't appear in the doorway like the rest of his classmates.

Instead, he rushed in in a flurry just as the late bell rang. The teacher glared at him behind her desk.

"I will write you up next time, Mr. Winchester."

Sam ignored her and sat down in his seat next to Cas. Castiel squirmed a little and stared at Sam, hoping he would start a conversation. But Sam didn't even look over at Cas.

"Sam?" Castiel spoke quietly, but he was still caught by the teacher.

"Mr. Novak. Am I interrupting something?"

Castiel turned abruptly to face forward in his desk. "No, I'm sorry."

With a humph, the teacher continued her lesson, and Castiel continued to steal glances towards Sam. Not once did he make eye contact with the boy.

As the bell for lunch rang, Sam practically darted out the door. Castiel raced after him, and after nearly losing him in the crowded halls, pulled onto his backpack.

"Sam, where are you going?"

"Leave me alone, Cas." Sam said, shaking the smaller boy off his back. Castiel let his hand slide down in defeat.

"I am sorry about yesterday. I understand if you don't want to be companions anymore."

Sam let out a heavy sigh and turned to Cas. "Look, Cas, it's not your fault. I just, I've gotta go."

Castiel stood and watched as Sam hurried down the stairs. He ate lunch alone that day, and quietly watched as Sam ate with some of his other friends. He didn't seem happy though, and sort of picked at his food, much like Castiel picked at his.

After lunch, Castiel had art. The entire time he just drew scribbles. He had started out trying to draw a sketch of a person, but it was failing miserably. Castiel could only handle so many failures today, so he just went to random doodles. It would take a miracle to fuck a doodle up.

Castiel decided to confront Sam in biology. He had been turning over the boy's vague answer all day, and he needed an explanation. So, instead of entering early, Castiel stood outside the classroom and waited from Sam.

He saw him coming down the hallway, and he knew Sam had seen him too. Sam tried not to look at Cas, but when the scrawny boy grabbed his back and pulled him to the side, he knew there was no escaping.

"I would appreciate it if you would explain yourself, Sam."

Sam sighed and crossed his arms. "Cas, look. I don't want-"

"Explanation." Castiel said, very sternly.

"Dean doesn't want me hanging around you, okay? He found out where I got my black eye, and now he's pissed. He says he doesn't want me to get hurt." Sam took a deep breath. "It's not my choice, okay."

Sam stepped around Cas and into the classroom. Castiel followed, and they sat down in their adjacent seats, but said nothing. Castiel felt his blood pounding in his ears, and he couldn't bring himself to focus on the teacher. He could almost hear his happiness shattering, each little shard it broke into stabbing into him.

Not only could his only friend no longer spend time with him, Castiel was no longer trusted by Dean. He had thought, for a brief second, that maybe he could have some sort of family. He had thought that he'd always be able to rely on Sam and Dean, that they were a safe haven he could go to when he couldn't be at his own house. And he had really, truly believed he had a found something in Dean. The male rolemodel he never had. Dean had first been a brother to Castiel. Someone who he knew would look out for him, and someone he knew cared about him. Dean was like family, and that meant a lot to Castiel, because he had never really had one.

Not only did Dean pose as a brother, but he even filled Castiel's father's shoes. At least in the sense that Castiel could look up to Dean. He could strive to be like Dean, who although not perfect, was perfect to Castiel. Castiel had desperately needed someone like that. He never saw his father, he hadn't been home in months. And his brothers certainly weren't good examples. Sam may have been his best friend, but Dean was everything to Castiel. But apparently, Dean saw Cas as disposable.

Castiel shook his head. He knew that wasn't true, he wasn't disposable. Dean just placed Sam's safety above Castiel's. And as much as Castiel hated to admit, that was one of the qualities he admired so much in Dean.

Castiel vaguely heard the bell rang, and realized he had not written anything down the entire class period. He robotically placed his things in his bag, and slowly moved his way to the gym, alone.

Sam's locker was right next to Castiel's, but once more, the boys didn't look or speak to each other. Castiel went to his usual spot against the bleachers, basketball in hand. He hoped for a second Sam might come over and sit with him, but he watched sadly as his used-to-be-friend went to go join in with everyone else.

Castiel didn't spin the basketball, he just rolled it back and forth between his legs in a strange, repetitive way. The ball would go a certain length. Castiel would close his legs and stop it. He would lean forward and pick up the ball. He would roll the ball. The ball would go a certain length.

When he was lifting up the ball for the nth time, Castiel noticed the class of older boys came into the gym. The class Dean was in. He watched stonily as Dean talked to Sam, and laughed with him. A bubble of anger rose inside Castiel, and he was tempted to launch the basketball at Dean's face. The bubble quickly faded however. It's not like he could've made the shot anyway. It was replaced with a feeling that he should go over and explain things to Lucifer. Maybe he could get his friends back, his family.

No, Castiel decided. Dean wouldn't get it, he wouldn't understand how Lucifer treated Cas, and how hard it was for Castiel to say anything to him. Besides, what if Dean really just didn't want him around anymore? Castiel would rather go on believing it was his brother's fault than face a truth like that.

School ended, and Castiel walked to the car slowly. So slow in fact, that when he got there, Gabriel was already waiting, and Dean was pulling out of his parking spot. Castiel stood in one spot for a moment and watched the Impala drive off.

He silently climbed into his car with Gabriel, and pretended not to see the way his brother looked at him. He didn't want sympathy, or concern. He wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. He wanted to sit in the shower and let water pour over his head until he felt like he was going to drown. Hell, maybe he even wanted to drown.

He wondered why the brothers hadn't asked him his side of the story. Why hadn't Sam stood up for him? Sam had seen Lucifer at Castiel's house. He knew what he was like. So why hadn't he told Dean?

Lucifer must've been right. Sam left, just like he had said he would, and he took Dean with him. He probably whispered behind Castiel's back just like everyone else. Castiel cursed himself for thinking Sam and Dean would have been any different. Sam was just like everyone else his age, and Dean was just like every single popular, older boy Castiel had ever met. And besides, Castiel was just a little freak anyway.