Chapter Six - A Shaggy Dog Story

Lorelai lay on the couch. "You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. I'd usually share everything with Rory, or Luke, or Sookie, or anyone who'd listen, but my mother's burdened me with her crazy little secret and I really don't want to burden anyone else. I should really be talking to her about it, but she and my father have both gone incommunicado since she dropped her bombshell. Anyway, I have to tell someone or I'll go crazy, so I'm telling you."

Paul Anka looked up at her with understanding eyes.

"I should just tell Mrs Kim," she said, "put her out of her misery. She must have gone up to everyone in Stars Hollow and accused them. I dread the day she comes up to me - I guess she's waiting until Friday." She looked down at Paul Anka's uncomprehending face. "Oh, didn't I tell you, Mom got me to invite Mrs Kim to Friday night dinner. I felt terrible asking her, first having to interrupt her and Michel's tête-à-tête, and then having to bite my tongue while I invited her, trying to keep mum about Mom. I can't think why my malevolent mother wanted her to come along. Does she just want to gloat? Is Dad going to suggest a global kimchi franchise? Oh boy."

Before Paul could offer any opinion, Lorelai continued, "I'm still not even sure why she told me she stole it, or if she's telling me the truth. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Sure, making it all up, knowing I'd be unable to tell anybody but my dog about it, would be a cruel and unusual thing to do, but that fits Emily Gilmore to a tee."

Paul Anka's eyes stared into hers. "You're right. She has a wicked way of getting under my skin. But I still can't betray her. Besides, if Mrs Kim finds out, she may never forgive the Gilmores. I know for a fact that my parents wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I squealed on Mom. And once Mrs Kim knows she did it, there goes Rory's friendship with Lane. We may all get swallowed up by the earth."

Paul Anka looked at her judgmentally.

"Okay, so I don't think Mrs Kim is responsible for Caesar's disappearance. However, his disappearance suggests that the recipe has indeed been stolen, though goodness knows how my mother could have gotten hold of it. I can't imagine she had Dad dressed in figure-hugging black, infiltrating the Kim residence while the Kims were snoozing."

Paul Anka buried his face in his paws.

"You're right, Mrs Kim is relentless, the longer I wait to tell her the worse things will get. The town's already starting to react; there's talk that Mrs Kim will be the main subject of the town meeting on Saturday. It's going to be Stars Hollow versus Mrs Kim and I could stop it all just by telling her… but I can't. And so it all escalates... "

Her phone rang, and Paul Anka rushed off as Lorelai answered it.

"Hello, Rory. Hi, no nothing much happening here. No, still no word on the kimchi thief." Why did Rory have to ask that? Why did she have to lie? Why did Emily have to be on her way to becoming Stars Hollow's Enemy Number One? "What? I sounded strange? No, nothing's wrong here. I must be coming down with a cold or something. Anyway, see you on Friday for dinner with your grandparents. Bye..."

As the call ended, Paul Anka returned and Lorelai stroked him with her tear-stained hand.

It was dark. It was night. It was a dark night. The kind of night when Kirk needed kimchi. With Luke's rationing still in force, there was only one woman Kirk could turn to, the woman who put the Kim into kimchi.

Kirk knocked on her door, hoping he wasn't interrupting a prayer meeting, though if there was a God, surely He'd want Kirk to have Kimchi.

The door opened, and she was standing there, staring at him with so much unpleasantness she reminded Kirk of his mother.

"Mrs Kim, my name is Kirk," he began.

"I know who you are, Kirk," she replied. It was her usual conversational gambit.

"Then you'll know why I'm here," he said, adjusting his fedora.

"Did you steal my kimchi recipe?" she screeched, reminding Kirk even more of his mother.

"No, but I can help you find out who did." He gave her one of his cards. One with goldfish whisperer crossed out and private investigator written over it. These were just two of his talents, for Kirk was a master of all trades. Even now he was thinking of making a film noir or fanfiction chapter out of tonight's events. It was no wonder that people throughout the world associated the name Kirk with enterprise.

"You help me? Ha, yes," she said, interrupting his thoughts of multitasking. "Impressive. I don't care what Luke say."

"In return for my legwork, walking around Stars Hollow and skulking," this job played to Kirk's strengths, "I'll need recompense, in the shape of kimchi."

"Come inside, Kirk, we discuss," she said, excitedly leading him in.

Kirk walked in on the prayer meeting, but that didn't matter. Soon he would have his kimchi.

Lorelai didn't know what time it was, but it didn't matter. As she walked the never ending streets of Stars Hollow, she passed the town troubadour on one of the street corners, singing 'Every Breath You Take'.

"I can't do this any longer," she said. "I'm going to tell Mrs Kim."

Paul Anka looked up at her. "Is that a good idea?" he seemed to ask.

"No time like the present," Lorelai responded as she kicked down Mrs Kim's door. Walking in, she was impressed with how spacious it all was. Just like a Tardis, it appeared to be far bigger on the inside.

Mrs Kim sat on a chair in the middle of what appeared to be the hollowed-out volcano in which she lived, stroking an antique vase. "Come in, Ms Gilmore and Mr Anka, I've been expecting you."

"I have to tell you something," said Lorelai. "My mother stole the kimchi recipe."

"I bet you say that in every dream," said legendary singer Paul Anka, while Mrs Kim just threw back her head and laughed.

"Don't you think I already know that?" said Mrs Kim, as she spun her chair round to face her henchman, who stepped out of the shadows.

"Loyrelaiiiii!" cooed Michel, waving with one hand as he pressed a button with the other. "Love you, Paul Anka!"

Suddenly a giant holographic presentation filled the air, with the title SUSPECTS in huge scary flaming letters, and covered in millions of faces, including Lorelai's and both Paul Ankas'. All of the faces were covered with crosses, except one. An enlarged photo of Emily Gilmore took center stage, with the words 'thief pig' flashing beneath it.

Lorelai looked at Michel, then at a smiling Mrs Kim, then at a waving Mr Kim, and finally at Kirk who was attempting to explain things by the means of interpretive dance, in the way he'd done in so many of Lorelai's previous nightmares.

"You have to forgive my mother," Lorelai begged Mrs Kim.

"She must pay," said Mrs Kim, pressing a button on her chair. "Holy hellfire will rain down on her. The countdown to mass global destruction begins. That will teach her to steal ancient kimchi recipe." And with that, Mrs Kim threw back her head and laughed and laughed and laughed while Kirk threw his shapes in the background.

The next thing Lorelai knew she was in bed, waking up, Paul Anka the dog now licking her face.

"It was a nightmare, Paul Anka," she told him. "But at least now I know what my subconsciousness wants me to do. When Mrs Kim asks me on Friday if I stole her recipe, I'm blowing the whistle on my mother. Even if it does mean Mrs Kim causes mass destruction." She looked down at her concerned hound, "Don't fret, Paul Anka, I can recall plenty of Fridays when things have gone a lot worse."