Hello guys! Sorry for the delay. Anyway, I don't own RWBY or Pirates of the Caribbean as usual. Let's drop in on the weird alternate universe where, currently, Qrow and Jack have decided to cope with being kicked out of the club and completely wasted by... going shopping.

"You know what? Let's go get you a proper weapon," Qrow said bracingly as they strolled, or really, wobbled drunkenly through the streets.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jack asked.

"No, I think it could be a kind of terrible one, but I still think we should do it," Qrow shrugged. "Not quite five o'clock yet. Shops won't be shut."

"Where do you go to buy these things?" Captain Jack replied.

"We could go to Schnees, not that I'm welcome there, or you can make them. Or we go to an antique shop… you'know, sometimes there's weaponised family heirlooms."

"Sounds like an adventure. Take me to these shops!" Sparrow exclaimed, nearly tripping over in excitement.

(Several hours ago…)

"The man's name is Sparrow," Davy Jones rasped. Neo and Torchwick were still fascinated by the many tentacles that flowed as his beard, on the verge of sharing a mutual nod and busting out their weapons on the strange, strange creatures that surrounded them.

But these men were not Grimm. They were subhuman, like the Faunuses Roman was used to commanding. This prevented him from feeling too much fear.

"If you bring Sparrow to me," Davy Jones was saying, "I will reward you."

"How?" Roman asked.

"We will fight alongside you," the strange octopus-being said. "It is hard to kill us. We are valuable allies. Just bring me Sparrow! I cannot go ashore."

Roman and Neo looked at each other.

"Alright. We'll bring you Jack Sparrow by midnight tonight, when we won't be seen in our kidnap attempt. We'll make good on our promise… so you better make good on yours."

Qrow and Jack arrived at the antique shop and stumbled inside. Two drunk men antique shopping? Nobody was really bothered enough to question it. The shopkeeper did, but then again, nobody cares enough about the shopkeeper to ask why he keeps turning up everywhere in the series doing different jobs, so naturally nobody asked him his opinion of drunk Qrow and Jack.

The shop was small and cluttered with lovely oak furniture and random eclectic junk.

"Now… these seemingly ordinary things might be weaponised," Qrow said hopefully, looking around at the wares.

"Hmm, what about this box?" he picked it up, opened it, searched it for hidden buttons, then put it down again disappointedly.

"What about you, table? Hmm?" Qrow searched this too.

"What about this lamp?" Captain Jack wondered. He turned it on and off again suspiciously.

"Are you two drunk?" the shopkeeper asked.

"…No," Jack said, just at the same time as Qrow said, "Yes."

The shopkeeper shook his head.

"Actually, we're looking for... Shooty things. Pointy things. Normal-looking things with the ability to shoot and stab people. Savvy?" Jack asked, fingers waving around to illustrate his ideas.

"…weaponised antiques," Qrow clarified for the poor shopkeeper.

"Oh," he replied. Should he sell weapons to drunk warriors? There was certainly no guidelines for that sort of thing.

"Weeellll…" he thought about it. "We have this walking stick. Can shoot dust rounds."

"That's pretty good," Qrow muttered, having a look at the stick to which the man pointed. "I should've told Ruby. She'd love to come weapon shopping. Probably a bit too much. Anyway, what'd'you think, Capt'n? Want to have a look?"

"Hmm… I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request," Jack replied sagely, "I don't want to carry a walking stick about. What else?"

"I have an excellent weaponised telephone," the shopkeeper said, gesturing across the shop to an old black telephone with a spiral cord. "The numbers change the dust setting; the receiver shoots bullets like a handgun and it weighs a lot; you can throw it around like a mace."

"Hmmm," Qrow and Sparrow said together.

"Can I have a go?" Qrow asked.

"No," the shopkeeper replied.

"Anything else? Anything remotely… nautical?" Jack asked.

"Glad you asked," the shop keeper replied. "In the back corner, there is a telescope. Do you see it? It shoots dust rounds and extends into a bronze staff with tiny blades at both ends. It can also be functional as a telescope when unloaded."

"…That is really freaking cool," said Jack (he picked it up from Yang).

Qrow walked over and took up the telescope, looked into it.

"It's got some fire dust in it," he said.

He passed it to Jack. Jack looked at the bronze telescope and saw a small button. He pressed it, and the telescope extended longer and longer until it was a decent-sized staff. Tiny knives poked out each end.

"I want it," said Jack.

"It's 100 lien," the shopkeeper smiled.

"What!?" Jack exclaimed.

"You heard me."

"But I don't have that much money!" Jack exclaimed.

The shopkeeper shrugged.

Jack gave a sideways glance to Qrow. "Uncle Qrow… we might have to commandeer this telescope."

"I don't think so," the shopkeeper said.

Qrow sighed.

"Look, sir… this man is poor and in a lot of danger. He needs a weapon. Will you not soften your heart? Will you not lower the price to… how much do you have?" Qrow asked.

"Twenty lien; I got it from Roman's pockets when I fell on him," Jack said.

"…twenty lien," Qrow finished.

He shopkeeper thought for a minute.

"…Fifty lien," he bartered.

"Twenty lien and we'll give you back the fire dust in it," Qrow said.

The shopkeeper thought for a second. "Alright!" he exclaimed, "Twenty lien without the dust rounds. You better give me at least seven recommendations to your friends."

"It doesn't matter; you're the only shopkeeper there is," Qrow muttered.

Roman handed over the money.

"Thanks love." Whatever was in Qrow's flask was pretty damn strong. It was really starting to affect Jack now and he was losing more and more of his cognitive skills. Even Qrow was fairly drunk and he hadn't finished his flask yet.

The shopkeeper nodded to them a little worriedly as they exited the shop, nearly knocking over a pile of books and the lamp as they went.

"Well," Jack said as they wobbled down the street. Everyone else gave them a wide berth. "Now I got me a slidy-slidy shooty pointy thing. Much better than Barbossa's, eh?"

Jack grabbed Qrow's arm to stay standing up as he tripped on a cobble. He decided it would be a good idea to collapse his telescope and stow it in one of his many pockets before he dropped it.

"Who's Barbossa?" Qrow slurred, finishing off his flask. It would now be safe to say that the two of them were completely wasted.

"Ee's… ee's a one-legged man who killed me once… I killed him back. We both better now though," Jack explained. "Good mate of mine."

"Yeah, it's the good mates who die young… and try to kill you and all that," Qrow mumbled. This time he nearly fell over. As Jack held him up, he glanced over his shoulder and thought he saw the shadows of Torchwick and Neo. But when he blinked, they were gone.

The pair now stood (barely) before a small pet shop. There were a few mice, a parrot and a kitten in enclosures in the window.

"Look at 'em little beasties," Jack murmured, wobbling over, banging into an annoyed-looking lady who nearly dropped her groceries. "Looks like Mr Cotton's parrot."

Qrow pushed through the door and went inside to the tinkle of a bell.

"Hey, watch this," he giggled. Jack had a minor disagreement with the door but managed to get inside too. The shopkeeper was absent (he's still getting from the antique shop to this one).

"I'm going to see if I can talk to it! You open the cage door."

Before Jack could say anything, Qrow turned into… well… a crow.

"That's interesting," Jack commented dispassionately as he stared at the black bird that hopped on the floor. "So this is how it feels to be so drunk you start hallucinating. Hmm."

Qrow fluttered up to the parrot's cage. Jack bent down and opened the cage door – Qrow flapped inside, sat on the perch next to the parrot and started squawking. The parrot just stared at him for a second, then said, 'Please don't bother the animals, sir. Squawk! Please don't bother the animals, sir. Watch out for Grimm! Please don't bother the animals, sir."

"So now the parrot's talking human and the human's talking crow," Jack muttered. "Oi Qrow, you're bothering the parrot."

"Hello?" the shopkeeper asked, emerging from the back room.

Jack slammed the cage door shut and stood in front of it.

"Hello… you look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere else?"

The shopkeeper sighed.

"Where's your friend?" he asked.

"Squawk!" said Qrow.

"Uh… he's outside. Vomiting in the gutter," Jack said. He nodded to himself.

"I don't see him."

"Watch out for Grimm! Watch out for Grimm!" the parrot squawked.

"Oh no," the shopkeeper muttered. "He only says that when danger's around."

The shopkeeper squinted, leaning to see into the cage. "Since when did I gain a crow?"

"Squawk!" said Qrow.

"I know nothing!" Jack denied.

"Watch out for Grimm! Watch out for Grimm!"

Jack watched as the shopkeeper's face turned pale.

"It's not Grimm you need to worry about," a voice said behind Jack.

Before he could turn around, his own sword was being pressed to his throat.

"What did you do with my money?" Roman whispered in Jack's ear.

Neo pushed past and drew a long thin blade from her parasol, pointing it straight at the shopkeeper, who put his hands in the air. She put her finger to her lips. He nodded, shaking with fright.

"Uhhh…" said Jack. How had he not noticed his own sword being taken from him? He was that drunk? Roman's other hand was on his waist. These two facts made Jack a little nervous.

He didn't see Roman nod at Neo over his shoulder.

Neo giggled. It was the last thing he heard before her roundhouse kick struck the side of his head and everything went black.

Poor Jack. I wonder how he'll feel when he wakes up... and has to explain to Ruby and Yang why their uncle is stuck in a bird cage.

Hope you enjoyed!