The Spectral Breath

Chapter Six: Of Shards and Fade

I hated not knowing things. It made me feel powerless, useless even and without control over the simplest of things. Sometimes it was maddening just to think about. The day that thunder rumbled through the ground, similar to the bounded steps of an oncoming herd, unrelenting and murderous in its approach, was when things had changed completely. To have seen the very first sparks of green and golden waves as they drained the sky, once shrouded in grey cloud, was when I truly felt a fear I had long forgotten and never wanted to be reminded of.

The Veil between the worlds of Thedas and the Fade was torn. Flares of light appeared out over the snow-covered mountains, down the hillsides and even over the vastest of oceans. The Dalish elvhen did not react. The clan I had stayed with simply watched as the plains of grassland that surrounded their forests hissed and shivered. The husks of stone that had fallen from the sky had cracked and creatures, gaunt and thin, tall and deformed that could have only existed in the Fade crawled out like spiders through the smallest of crevices. Their arms reached up as if to touch the light for the first time, and by their rage, it seemed they didn't want to give it up.

They multiplied and grew until they took over the outskirts of the woodlands and drove the elvhen deeper into the forests were even the light of day didn't dare reach. It was then that the pain returned. It was then that the scars branched out, to claim more of my skin that had yet to be touched. I knew I needed help; needed to seek it from others other than the clan. The Inquisition, after sometime, was my only hope.

And there I was, in a study with only an elvhen apostate for help. The Inquisition used their resources for the tears in the sky and only the simplest of items were at my disposal. Yet despite that, it was what was in me that concerned me. The power within me for some reason had withered slightly. It was still there. It gnawed at the back of my mind like a lost thought and took more of my mind when alone, but for it not to be constant was strange. It was like the time before the breach when it was contained. I could breathe without fear of the power growing. To have that was something.

It had been many days since there was any news of the shard. Tomes were brought to and from the Inquisition's private library and time and time again tomes were opened, sought through and discarded. Book after book was piled high above the tables and chairs until they towered the chairs themselves. Not even the table could be seen through the thick lot, yet Solas managed to seek through each one with ease, like he knew every individual scroll and parchment, page and bind.

Because of my decisions, I was left to stay with him while he studied the shard. I, after all, was unwilling to let it leave my sight, which after a couple of hours felt stupid. All it caused was long hours of prolonged silence between myself and the mage and even then with the amount of books there were the time went by slowly.

Jaras had decided long before that he would return when there was actual news and, since there was none, he was away most of the time, most likely in the tavern or searching Skyhold for any valuables. How I envied him.

As the long moments drew into even longer hours and the wax of the candles had begun to melt, I decided to wander from my seat at the back of the study and unconsciously ghosted my fingertips over the study table's edge. Solas was too busy with his own thoughts to notice and added yet another tome amongst the growing collection.

How strange he was. He never spoke unless it was of importance, or to see if I was still there with him. He easily engrossed himself into his research, like the mystery of the shard was a challenge for him, one he had to accomplish. Maybe, for him, it was a personal challenge, or an escape from the world.

My fingers halted, twitched and flicked at the sight of a book on the table's side set apart from the others. How odd.

"Tales of the Fade?" I whispered as I took hold of it. It was old, that much was for certain with scratches and groves cut into the torn bind and cover. "What's this doing here?"

"Ah, that one is mine," Solas said and moved over to my side. He reached out. I pulled back.

"You read about the Fade?" I asked curiously and casually flicked through several of the pages. My gaze drifted from the blocks of writing to the diagrams neatly-drawn out at the end of the paper.

After another failed attempt, Solas took a step back and slowly folded his arms across his chest. "Oh, I do more than read. I live it."

I glanced up but was surprised to find a smirk and quirked his lips. Amusement? "You live it?"

"Yes. I know how it must sound, especially to one of the Dalish."

"I'm not Dalish."

"You're not?" he asked. The amusement quickly faded and was replaced by a curious expression. "Forgive my assumptions but I thought- because of your vallaslin, your markings that you were one of them. I didn't mean to presume."

I smiled. "It's alright. If I was upset with everyone who mistook me for the Dalish elvhen, I'd have no friends."

"Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if the humans did so."

"Humans, dwarfs and even city elves, but it's alright. I wouldn't be surprised if the Creators themselves mistook me for one. You kind of get used to it, or at least I have. So, what do you mean by live?"

"Well what I meant by 'live' is up for debate I admit, but what I do is very similar to it. When I dream, I go deep into the Fade and see memories laid forgotten for many centuries. I can find memories no other living being has ever seen. They are truly remarkable."

I frowned. "You go into the Fade? Willingly? Isn't that dangerous?"

"Yes, but isn't any place? The Fade is steeped in mystery and while there are dangers, I have learned to overcome them."

That didn't sound right. The Fade was a place of demons and not often ventured in, not even by the Dalish who valued magic above all else. He was either mad or just plain foolish. Probably mad. "I don't understand what can be so interesting to go there. It's a place for demons and nothing good happens there."

"Ah, yes. Demons." Solas sneered at the word like it brought with it a foul smell or a bad taste that couldn't help but linger. "Tell me, how broad is your knowledge on the spirits of the Fade? Are all monsters simply there to possess the living? Must all be shunned and none seen as benevolent?"

"I believe what others believe, that it's dangerous," I said carefully. There was no need to upset the poor mage. "There are demons there."

"And there are also spirits that mean no more harm than a rock is to a river. Spirits like compassion, wisdom, courage-"

I quickly raised my hands. "I don't know much on the Fade, Solas. It's not like I'm an expert in the field. I'd rather not get into an argument about it."

"I- yes, of course," he said dryly and turned back to the tower of books. He grabbed the nearest one, fell back into his seat and buried himself through the flipped pages. When he did speak, he did not acknowledge me and instead, with a soft sigh, raised the book higher to hide his face. "Perhaps we should return to our duties."

I swallowed thickly. My throat for some reason felt dry and sore. I didn't mean to be harsh or say anything wrong. The Fade was a dangerous place, one that people feared with good reason. I may not have known much about it, but even I knew what could happen if something went wrong while in there. Possession and loss of one's body were not the only dangers.

For a while we were quiet, preoccupied with our own thoughts. The crackling of the fire was the only sound between us and even with his face partly covered I could tell that he was upset, still frowning away without a word, yet as the moments drew longer, I found my curiosity nagging at the back of my mind until it finally won, as it usually did.

"Is that all you do?" I asked after a small pause. "Find memories?"

Solas slowly looked up from his research, notably surprised by my curiosity it seemed. "A lot can be learned from witnessing past events," he said. "I've seen the most ancient of ruins and battlefields, attracted by spirits that over time have pressed heavily against the Veil, the barrier between our worlds. I have witnessed the loss of great civilizations and watched hosts of spirits clash to reenact the bloodiest of battles in ancient wars, both known and forgotten. It is my hope from this that I'll find some trace of your artifact, the shard, but it is... difficult."

"Difficult, how?"

He stood. "The Fade is made up of individual interpretations, thoughts and opinions of all those that were to witness a specific event. While all truths, some may be exaggerated or simply there from words spread by others. The Fade is also much larger than it first seems. Endless, some might say. Still, I had hoped to find even the smallest of traces, but so far, I have found none. This shard of yours remains a mystery."

"Not surprising," I whispered. "But you said ruins and battlefields. Are these from the past? Can they be seen anywhere? Even here?"

"It is more complicated than that," he admitted. "Each place has its own story, but all places are different and it is important to journey to different places in order to see new things."

"Like hearing something from a friend, but only truly knowing it when you see if for yourself?"

"Yes, in a way."

My gaze drifted to the Fade book. He probably knew every word in it from back to front. I gently handed it back to him. "That... is quite interesting."

With the book in hand, Solas rested his palm protectively over the edge, gazed at it as if it had some sort of value only he knew and then quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I didn't know that was possible, to be honest. Going so far into the Fade and coming back alive, or not being possessed for that matter. It's amazing, to tell the truth."

Solas flickered his blue eyes over mine briefly, like he was uncertain if what I said was true, before he allowed himself to show a slight smile and slipped the tome back onto the table, nearly in the exact same place that it was before. "You believe so? Huh. Not many share the same views you do. Most believe it foolish. You can understand why the field is not common. It's not as impressive as some other areas of magic like throwing fire balls, but I am glad you are not one of them."

"Oh, I never said it wasn't foolish," I said. "But, if what you're telling me is true then seeing such sights might be worth it."

"Have I given you cause to doubt me?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, but like I said, I make it a rule not to trust anyone."

"Ah yes, now I remember." He moved to return to his work but his steps faltered and his focus found its way to the shard. "Huh."

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," he said and, after a momentary pause, nudged the shard my way.

I stepped back.

"You're afraid of this," he stated, the curious expression returned.

I narrowed my eyes. "Not afraid, but cautious."

"Why?"

"I just don't like to go near it, that is unless I have to."

"You held it perfectly yesterday."

"I had gloves on," I argued and took another step back, just far enough so it wasn't in a close enough proximity for it to be a problem. "I couldn't feel it and it wasn't for long. I mostly try to stay away from it if I can. I was warned that going near it could be dangerous. That's why Jaras always kept it safe."

"By who?"

"One of the Dalish," I said. "The Keeper of the Dalish, actually."

Solas frowned. "I thought you said you weren't one of them."

I smiled wryly. "I'm not but I spent a while with one clan. That was in a better time. Anyway, the Keeper said to keep it away, or only touch it if I must, but with gloves. If I didn't then-"

"Then what?" he asked and took a step forward.

I took one back in return and felt the coldness of the wall press against my back. "He... you don't want to know. It's better for me to stay away and that's all I'll say about it."

Solas, after a brief look, took hold of the shard with his palms rested underneath and carefully brought it over. His movements were slow and not sudden, as if to show me exactly what he was doing. When the shard was too close for comfort, he withdrew it, then tried again. "How odd. Can you not feel it?"

"Feel what?" I asked, but kept my attention fixed on the shard. The light that reflected off it made me uneasy.

"The magic inside," he said like it was obvious. A thought must have crossed his mind because he looked me trustingly. "I have an idea, but I will need your help, providing you trust me."

A shot of panic ran down my spine. I didn't like the sound of that. "I told you before that I don't trust anyone."

"Yes, I know, but this might help me get a better understanding of what this artifact is. I won't make you do this, but it may help. You're safe here. You know that. Nothing will happen. And if anything does go wrong, I will end it before harm falls upon you. Do you think you can do this?"

"That depends. What is it?"

Solas carefully placed the shard back on the table and gestured me closer with an outstretched hand. "I want you to place your hand relatively close to the shard. You don't have to touch it, but keep it close."

"But my gloves-"

"You won't need them."

For some reason, I felt the pit of my stomach churn at the mere look of the shard. There was something strange about it, something that made me uneasy; like the world would fade around me and that it would swallow me whole after one wrong touch. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

Pressure was applied to my back and, without knowing, it nudged me forward. My hand leaned in, forced to stretch and hover over the shard. It was almost close enough to feel it.

The elvhen's voice turned low and smooth in an attempt to sound persuasive. "Couldn't hurt to test it, surely."

The instinct to lash out and argue was strong, but curiosity stayed my hand. Why was I so afraid? It wasn't like I had never touched it before and I hadn't died like I was told. I was alive and the shard was weaker than it was originally. Perhaps the worry was for nothing, or maybe it was from force of habit.

I tried to swallow my fear, to convince myself that nothing would happen, but the panic was more than a flicker of doubt and almost took control. Almost. "I- if this goes wrong, I swear-"

"It won't," he reassured too confidently.

Of course he was confident, I thought. It wasn't his life at risk. Damn it. Shouldn't have come to Skyhold in the first place.

"Now, hold out your hand."

I did, but it wasn't a steady hand. It shook, from out of fear or uncertainty or even both wasn't clear. I shouldn't have been afraid of such a thing. It was so small, almost as fragile as glass, but it wasn't. I knew it wasn't. It was so much more than that. If it wasn't, I never would have touched it in the first place. I never would have risked the position I was in.

My eyes closed. All that could be felt was the emptiness of the air and yet my fingers twitched at the mere thought of what they could scrape. A hand touched mine, cold and rough, and carefully nudged it down. The air was cold at first. Then warmth I recognised all too well spread through my fingers, up the veins of my arm and through my chest. It tightened and pulled like a strong tug from an even stronger hand and then, once my breathing faltered, it withdrew and swept over to my heart. It seemed to soothe its erratic rhythm, almost forcing me to breathe and calm down.

I didn't like it. It wasn't me. I wasn't controlling it. It was another force. The power, perhaps?

"Do you hear that?" I quietly asked. Sounds both quiet and low seemed to echo through my mind. It was a strange sound, like chimes that clinked together through the gentle breeze of the wind or the rim of a glass when circled lightly with the tip of one's finger. It was calming, soothing even.

"Yes," came Solas' voice and, just like that, the sound was gone. "It is the magic communicating with its original source."

I opened my eyes and pulled back.

"How very strange," Solas added softly when the contact was lost. The base of his face glowed in the light the shard had created, but that was before the colour had ebbed away and left only the violet surface of a glassy frame.

"Strange?" I asked.

"The shard. When you were away, it felt weakened, distant, like its life source had nearly disappeared. There was no spark, per say. No energy, nor magic. It was as dull as the rock it presents and now- hmm. I wonder."

The elvhen mage rested his arms out and enclosed his palms tightly together. His eyes flickered shut and his mouth began to mumble words in hushed tones that not even I could hear. Green light absorbed his hands like fire. Wisps of flames glided up in thick strands and the room became a hall of flickering shadows from the effect. I watched carefully as the light grew more intense and lit every part of the study until-

I lunged forward. My hands pushed the elvhen mage back and I felt the first thrums of magic flow between my fingertips and chill my palm with the early stages of an ice spell.

Solas fell back. His hands reached out and clenched around the arm rests of a chair. With both hands steadying him, he looked up. "My apologies. Are you alright?"

"What did you just do?" I hissed, but not out of anger for what he did, but for what I had done. I didn't do that, at least not willingly.

"I merely casted a minor spell upon the shard," he said as he regained his footing and straightened out his back. "No damage was done, of course, but the results are interesting."

"Results? What results?" My voice echoed loudly off the walls of the study as it grew more urgent. The crows, hung from the tower's loft above rustled and cried in reply.

"You came to the shard's aid," he explained slowly. His hands were raised in a friendly yet cautious gesture. "Whatever happened, it sought protection. From you. You reacted."

I wanted to shake my head, to refuse. All that I could muster, however, was a hoarse cough before I spoke, "But I... I didn't do..."

"You weren't in control?"

Wordless, I shook my head.

"Maybe this is why you're cautious around it. You're connected to it, quite strongly in fact. Maybe you subconsciously knew this and wanted to be separated. You fear the control it has over you. The question is how this came to be, and why."

He was right. He had to be. There was no other reason for why I moved without free will. I didn't even know what I was doing. It just happened like instinct; as instinct. "You- just don't do that again!"

"It needed to be done," he said and the crease between his eyes deepened as his brows pulled together.

"You should have told me."

"And then you'd have refused, or the experiment wouldn't have had the same affect. Nothing happened, at least in the physical sense. You remain intact and no worse for wear."

"Why you-" I began but ended in a frustrated groan. My hands pushed me from the table and, while careful not to knock any of the books in the process, I hurried over to the farthest corner of the room and took in a deep breath. The room suddenly felt too small despite its size.

It was alright, though. I just needed to calm down. Curse that elvhen. He shouldn't have done that.

I wasn't sure how long I was quiet but my thoughts were interrupted by the dwarf in the doorway.

"Everything alright?" Varric's voice came through. "Ah, uh, have I caught you guys at a bad time?"

Solas turned from his stack of papers and slightly bowed his head in greeting. "No, you haven't, child of the stone. Can I be of assistance?"

Varric, after a quick glance at the both of us, gestured over his shoulder with a curved, stumpy thumb. "Just thought I'd give you a heads up. Grumpy's coming with the Seeker. He's not looking too friendly either."

Solas quickly frowned. "The Inquisitor? Now? Why?"

Varric shrugged. "Beats me but you'd probably want to get ready, Chuckles. Should be quite interesting."

"Yes, I suppose. Thank you, Varric."

The dwarf smiled a faint, half curve of his lips. "Hey, it's what I do. Bringer of bad news and all that."

"I suppose you're not too fond of the Inquisitor either, then?" I asked as I wandered away from my place and back to the table.

"Not fondly no," said Solas.

Varric hesitated, most likely from careful thought on what to say. "He's alright once he's got a few drinks down him. Just a bit strict when it comes to his job, not that I can blame him. Maker knows I wouldn't want to be in his place. That's responsibility I don't need."

"Yes, being in charge of a large fort with many loyal servants must be real hard for him," I muttered sarcastically.

"Hey now, you don't know what he's been through," said Varric. "To have seen what he's seen and survive like that is little short of a miracle. I don't condone his behaviour but, what can we do? World's gone to shit."

'It wasn't always like this,' I wanted to say. Things used to be so much easier.

We listened intently as we heard the footsteps echo through the corridor and into the study. Our visitors weren't far away. While Varric continued to lean against the doorframe and Solas merely sorted his sheets of parchment and tomes out into suitable order, I simply waited with crossed arms for the serious faces that I knew would make an appearance.

Their strides were fast and purposeful. The Inquisitor was the first to enter, followed by the Seeker Cassandra. Neither looked particularly pleased to see me there. Ironic really because the feeling was mutual.

"Elf," was the first word the Inquisitor uttered and I doubted he meant Solas. "Weren't there another round here? What was his name? Jack? John? Jared?"

"Jaras," I corrected.

The Inquisitor merely nodded. "Yeah, him."

"I'm not his mother, Inquisitor. Surely your guards would know where he is."

"Ugh. Why does everyone expect me to know everything around here? Am I some oracle or something? Look, you know what, it doesn't matter. He'll turn up sooner or later, I'm sure."

"I am sure that I can find him if he is important in this discussion," said Cassandra from the Inquisitor's side.

The Inquisitor, after some thought, shook his head. "No. He'd be useless anyway." His focus shifted to me. "You're the leader of your little group, anyway. You're the only one of use."

I frowned. "Leader? I'm no leader."

"Of course you are. Don't mock me. That friend of yours follows you around like some lost pup. You'd have to be blind not to notice."

"Inquisitor, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Solas asked, probably in the hope of trying to change the subject.

The Inquisitor looked back at Solas, tightened the collar of his shirt and cleared his throat. "How's the research on the rock coming along?"

"Slowly, but we've managed to find out a few things."

"Hmm. Not good enough. You're going to have to try harder or else give this up."

The elvhen's thin brows rose in an incredulous stare. "You want me to end this, when I've only just begun?"

The Inquisitor did not answer. Instead he turned his attention to me. "I've had my spymaster look into that village of yours, elf. The one your friend told us about."

I inclined my head. "You did? What did you find?"

"A ruin, that's what."

I tried to hide the smug smirk I knew would eventually appear, but it was difficult. "Told you so."

"Yes," he said in a voice less like ice and more human. Again, his throat was cleared and collar pulled. "It seems I was wrong. Apologies for that."

I blinked. I was sure I had misheard. "You apologise? That's a surprise, to tell the truth. Thought you were too high and mighty for that."

"Yes, quite," Cassandra agreed.

The Inquisitor looked between us all. His thick brows slowly rose. "What? I'm always civil. It's one of my most charming qualities. But that still doesn't mean I trust you, elf."

"And just like that, we were back to being serious," chuckled Varric from the doorway. "To think, I thought we were all getting along."

"Sorry to disappoint," said the Inquisitor. "How much longer are you going to need for this, mage? We need to get back to focusing on the breach."

Solas pointed to the shard with his hand and then at the papers he had piled together. "Things like this take time. We've only just began to unravel the mysteries that this artifact has."

" Time we don't have."

"Inquisitor, if you would just let me-"

"You're taking too long!" His voice once again became as cold as stone. "We've got bigger threats to take care of, or have you forgotten?"

Just like that, Solas' face hardened. His lips became a thin line. "I assure you, I have not forgotten, but maybe this can help our cause-"

Abruptly, the Inquisitor's hand was raised and Solas surprisingly fell quiet. "Varric, know any contacts that know anything about rocks?" he asked.

Varric cocked his head to the side. "Uh, rocks, Inquisitor?"

"Yes. You know, the things that come from the ground, mountains? Hard to touch and all that."

"I know what rocks are. Just wondering why you're asking about it."

"Isn't it obvious? This thing, rock, shard, whatever you want to call it, is not what the mage thinks it is, meaning it's something else. Could be a lyrium shard. It has the same shape."

"Well, I guess. I could try to find a few contacts down in Orzammar. Might know a guy there."

"Good. Send word to him at once."

"You honestly think this shard is a rock?" Solas said in surprise. "It has magical properties. It can't just be a stone!"

"I don't see why not," said the Inquisitor. "Could be a magical stone. I'm giving you help on this, mage. If nothing comes of this, then it's just a waste of time."

The study went quiet. Everything that had been said was said. It was obvious that there was nothing more. Knowing that, the Inquisitor turned to take his leave.

"Inquisitor," I called out.

He looked back sharply. The heels of his boots cut into the dirt. "What now?"

"Did your spymaster find anything else within the village? Anything unusual?" I inquired.

With a glance to Cassandra, he drew his arms up to form a steeple under his chin. "Like what?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you."

"They found a body," he said. "Leliana said it belonged to a member of the Poisonswords, but whoever they are or where, they're gone now, at least from that region."

"That's the mercenary company you and your friend worked for, correct?" asked Cassandra.

I slowly nodded.

"We will need to contact them. They'll most likely want to know about your disappearance."

"No," I said. "You don't want to do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

I hesitated. "Because they never cared for their workers. For them to believe that I'm dead is the best thing for everyone."

Cassandra, though seemingly reluctant, nodded. "If that's your wish."

"It is," I said and looked to the Inquisitor. "Also, one more thing."

He let out a frustrated sigh. "And what may that be?"

I narrowed my eyes. "You probably won't listen to this but, keep your eye out. That village wasn't destroyed naturally."

Surprisingly, he began to smile, but it quickly shifted into a one sided smirk. "Ah, yes, these boogey men of yours. And who are these people supposedly after you, hmm? What do they want?"

"For that, dear Inquisitor, I cannot tell you."

His lips fell. "Why not? What aren't you telling me, elf?"

"Just remember this. The least you know the better."

Unsure of what that meant exactly, the Inquisitor turned and left. The door slammed heavily behind.

Varric was the first to break the silence. "Well, that went better than expected."

"What did you expect?" I asked.

"The usual. Arguments, shouting. More arguments. Seems he was having a good day."

I wouldn't want to have seen him on a bad day.

"What did you mean? When you said 'the least you know the better?'" asked Solas almost suddenly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said as I returned to the stacks of tomes.

Solas quirked an eyebrow. "Yes, you did. I remember you saying it."

"Maybe you thought I said that. I didn't."

As Solas opened his mouth to speak, Varric interrupted. "Leave it be, Chuckles. No need to pry." He looked back over his shoulder. "Well, time for me to go."

"Goodbye, Varric," I said as he walked away.

Quietness stretched out between Solas and I. The memories of the shard and what he had done still lingered, but I could not blame him. It did gain results and was part of the reason why I was there in the first place. I needed answers, even if those answers were hard to get.

"You seem to be one of many secrets," Solas pointed out as he sat back in his seat.

I bit my lip. "I'm not obliged to answer that," I said with a forced smile and returned to my seat at the back of the study.

How right he was, though, but I couldn't let anyone know.

Some secrets were better left unsaid.