Chapter 6: "The Debt Ceiling"
"Madame President, the Republicans are refusing to raise the debt ceiling unless you sign a complete repeal of Obamacare."
"Obamacare sucks, it's a band-aid on a gaping wound. Still better than nothing. I'm not going to take Medicaid away from possibly as many as six million people. If I did, that would make me a mass murderer. Some people definitely would die as a result of losing Medicaid."
"Madame President, are you suggesting that Republican-governed states that refused to expand Medicaid are murdering their citizens?"
I looked at my Chief of Staff. I looked him right in the eye.
"What do you think?"
"Accusing the Republicans of mass murder is going a bit far, don't you think?"
"You're fired."
I replaced my Chief of Staff with a homeless Iraq war veteran. I wanted somebody with street smarts. Now what to do about those dastardly hostage-taking Republicans. Two could play the blackmail game, I thought. I called for my new Chief of Staff whom I had nicknamed "Shaggy" because he reminded me of the guy from Scooby Doo who was always eating.
"Hey, Shaggy! I need you to arrange a news address for me at five o'clock today. Get as many networks as you can." Shaggy was wolfing down a hot dog he'd gotten from the hot dog stand that I had ordered set up in the White House lobby. Ben's Chili Dogs. I can't eat those things because of the sodium content, but I ain't no dummy.
Shaggy did a good job on such short notice. Most of the big names were there. I started my address.
"Good evening. I want to talk to you this evening because the Republicans are holding the debt ceiling hostage again. Either I sign a complete repeal of Obamacare and take Medicaid away from as many as six million people, or the Republicans will put the federal government into default. I am not going to take Medicaid away from possibly six million people. That would be mass murder. We are in a state of fiscal crisis. Therefore I have decided that we can no longer afford our overseas military bases. For every hour that the Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling, I will close one overseas military base and order everyone from that base to return to the United States. I will also order that the land for the base be sold if we own it. I'll start with the military bases on Okinawa in Japan. Those bases have long been a sore point with the locals. I've already ordered them closed. I've also ordered closed all of our military bases in the northern half of South Korea. It's a done deal. I will continue ordering closed one new military base every hour until the Republicans do a clean raise of the debt ceiling. Have a nice day, Tea Partiers."
"Oh, one last thing. All you potheads who got arrested for marijuana offenses today? You are all pardoned."
End of Chapter 6