Early September 1994 ctd. Old hurts, loose ends, and a fight.

Tonks cries, more from anger than rejection. She arches her back and lets the tears come, furious with herself for fucking things up, for falling in the damned bath, for not leaving stupid Remus to vomit alone. Furious with Remus for the way he made her feel.

She lets herself cry for a few minutes. Then she steps from the bathtub, and looks in the mirror over the sink. She wipes the tears away and licks them from her fingers. She sorts her vest. Combs her hair down. Closes her eyes and concentrates. Opens her eyes.

Her hair is still bright red.

Tonks grits her teeth, and calms her fury. Butterflies, waterfalls, happy happy reindeer…She peers through one eye. Her hair is violet again. Phew.

She sighs, and goes back to bed. Remus is nowhere to be seen.

Good.

Remus Lupin, Infidel Extraordinaire, is watching the sun rise over the Dover cliffs.

He has always loved Apparition, the ability to instantly be somewhere. It makes all the distant places he dreams of seem a little closer.

Here, for instance, miles away from London and Sirius, sleeping peacefully, and Tonks, crying in the bathtub. The waves crash mightily against the rock face, hundreds of feet below. The sun rises magnificently over the sparkling ocean, just for Remus. The moon, so very nearly a perfect orb, fades and sinks forgotten below the horizon behind him.

Remus doesn't know what he is going to do. He is such a very bad liar.

Perhaps Tonks will tell Sirius, and Sirius will kill Remus immediately when he walks through the door, and save him the awful confession.

You coward, says the moon inside him. For once, Remus doesn't tell it to shut up. The moon has hit the nail on the head.

'I am a coward, a repulsive, lily-livered slimy organism that deserves to die.'

That is what he will say to Sirius. Perhaps Sirius will be distracted by his adjectives and forget all about…it.

No. Sirius has never in his life been distracted by adjectives, except when it comes to food.

'Look, a pumpkin pie!' That could work.

Remus sighs.

There is nothing for it. He will have to confess and take his beating like a man. I have wronged and I must pay. He has hurt Sirius, he has kissed a girl while Sirius was asleep. He has never done that before.

Yes, Remus will go back. He will confess and apologise and kiss those beautiful feet and pray for mercy on Sirius's part.

But first, Remus will watch this beautiful sunrise.

Sirius wakes to the sunlight blasting through gaps in the heavy curtains. He rolls off the couch, strides to the window and flings the curtains wide, breathing deep the birdsong through the gap between the panes. He longs to leave, to run through the streets to some pretty meadow and just roll himself up in a filo parcel of grass and insects and freedom.

In her camp bed by the door, Tonks is snoring softly, a sweet little wheet-fooo, wheet-fooo noise. Remus's quilt is empty by the cold fire. Sirius is unconcerned, he's probably in the bathroom trying the scrub the whisky from his brain, or gone for a walk in the countryside to clear his head.

To substitute freedom, Sirius cooks himself a hearty breakfast.

As he slides the last morsel of bacon from his fork with his teeth, swinging his kitchen chair back on two legs, Tonks walks through the door.

'Sirius,' says Tonks, 'I need to talk to you.'

And then the rest.

Remus stands in the doorway, hands helplessly dangling. He knows how he looks, worry-creased and uncertain, unshaven, and with very guilty lips.

Sirius leans against the fireplace, arms crossed, face white. His eyes burn into Remus, right through him, Remus feels, into his very soul.

Remus takes a half-step forward into the room. Sirius makes a small, jerking movement with his head, accompanied by a small, angry sound. Remus takes back his foot, and moves no further.

'Sirius,'

'No.'

Remus looks down and mumbles something unintelligible.

Sirius continues to stare. No-one moves for several minutes.

'Sirius, I-'

'No.'

Remus presses his Tonks-kissing lips together and twists his Tonks-touching hands. Sirius wants to shout at him, punch him, kiss him and stop him doing that, because he has no right to feel sorry for himself.

'Please, Sirius-'

'SHUT UP.' Sirius shouts suddenly. He feels his pulse in his forehead and the breath coming hard through his nose.

More minutes pass, excruciatingly.

'You have,' Remus says quietly, pausing to ensure it is safe to speak, 'you have to let me talk sometime.' Sirius scowls silently. 'Because, Padfoot, I have to go to the cellar tonight, and I wish you would come.'

'Oh, really-'

'Yes.' A bone cracks in Remus's back. This happens constantly on full-moon day, when all his body is shifting, preparing to spring into furred monstrosity. 'And, Sirius, I'm s-'

'DON'T,' bellows Sirius, 'DON'T say SORRY like that will fix everything.'

'It's all I can do.' Remus is tired, his head hurts, and he is sorry. He is sorry more than anything else. He wonders where Tonks is. Then he stops, because he shouldn't be wondering anything about Tonks.

'All you can do.' Sneers Sirius with a curling lip, reminding Remus shockingly of Severus Snape, cold, narrowed eyes and black hair in need of a trim.

'Can you think of something else I could do?'

'You could have not caused this, in the first place!'

'I'm sorry.'

'Fuck's sake, Remus!' And now there are tears, because Sirius looks up at the ceiling to stop them spilling out.

'I know.'

'You do not.'

'Yes I do, Sirius.' Remus is irritated, despite his overwhelming guilt.

'Yeah?' Sirius looks at him suddenly with a frightening expression on his face, fury mixed with sarcasm and streaked with tears. 'You know how this feels, do you? When did I ever fucking do this to you? When have you ever been cheated on?'

'You did…in Sixth Year.' Remus hisses, because it's true.

'In Sixth Year we weren't,' Sirius starts and stops.

'Weren't what?' Bites out Remus. 'Weren't having sex?'

Sirius looks down.

'No,' he says, quieter, 'we weren't doing that.'

'But we were doing things!' Remus trembles and itches, 'Believe it or not, I had feelings at sixteen, don't act like you're the only person here who feels, alright?'

'Don't act like you're the only person here who feels, alright?' Remus spits.

'I wasn't sure like you were, it was,' Sirius looks to the side, dowsed in memories of teenage shame, 'it was fucking, fucking weird, Moony, and I couldn't handle it, dreams and- so I just,'

'You just.'

'Because I didn't know what I was doing, who I was, what it meant, and, Jesus!' Sirius is yelping with remembrance of his senseless younger self.

Moony says nothing, leaning beautifully, heartbreakingly in the doorway.

'I didn't realize, how much I,' and now Sirius looks up with tears breaking Moony into shards, 'how much I really,'

'How much I really-'

'Sirius,' Remus snaps across, 'I said sorry. That's, all I can do. You might have forgotten what happened, I bloody well haven't, alright?'

'Moony-'

'Because in the end,' Remus slams his hand against the doorframe, 'It was your cousin when I was drunk, and that's not nearly-'

'Moony, don't just-'

'That's not nearly as bad as what you did to me in Sixth!'

'What the fuck?' Sirius looks mad.

'It isn't nearly as fucking bad! Ok?'

'What the buggering cunt, Remus! Of course it's as fucking-'

'NO,' Remus yells, 'It's NOT as bad, not NEARLY as bad, and you know it, so shut your stupid mouth, Sirius, and we'll call it an eye for a FUCKING EYE!'

'Moony,' says Sirius, quiet, desperate.

Remus stops shouting and glares, uncomprehending.

'Moony, I don't know what you-'

'SHUT UP!' Remus strides over and grabs Sirius by the shoulders, shakes him with werewolf strength, 'You have NEVER KNOWN what it is like to be me, so SHUT YOUR STUPID, PUREBLOOD, FUCKING MOUTH!'

Remus breathes hard in Sirius's stupid, stupid face. How any person can be so stupid he does not know, all that matters is past hurts that are suddenly real again. All the dusty old emotions and confusion and humiliation and mixed upedness of those early days, the things they never really thrashed out, what Remus locked away, all of it bubbles up to the surface of Remus's mind-soup and is remembered as glaringly painful as though it happened yesterday.

All that matters is the darkness building again in Sirius's eyes and the hatred hardening his jawline as they blaze silently at eachother across the inch-gap that feels suddenly like an ocean.

'Fuck you, Lupin.' Sirius spits out, and shoves, his chest hard under Remus's hands.

Remus staggers backwards onto the chaise-longue as Sirius strides past him out of the dusty sitting-room. Out in the hall he hears the front door crash shut, and the snick of Mrs Black's curtains and the ensuing screams.

'BLOOD-TRAITORS, DAMNABLE FILTH, CORRUPTING THE ANCIENT HOUSE OF MY NOBLE FATHERS! IMPURITY AND EXCREBLE HALF-BREEDS…'

'Bugger.' Says Remus, inaudibly amidst the screeching of Mrs Black. 'BUGGER!'

But Remus knows, from years of watching James and Sirius attempt it, that shouting never solves the problem.