"I can't believe I didn't see it before!" said Ron.
"See what?" Harry asked as he, Hermione, and Ron headed inside to Transfiguration.
"Who Peeves is! It's so obvious!"
"Maybe to you," said Hermione, "but I still don't know, so would it be too difficult to inform me?"
"Ok, it's…FRED AND GEORGE! It's their kind of humor! I don't know about the rest of that damn newspaper, but I'm sure they write Ask Peeves."
"I can just picture that," said Harry, "Fred and George sitting at the back of their store insulting people when business is slow."
"Ron, you actually make sense for once! That explains why Ask Peeves is the only unfunny feature in the Daily Non-Prophet, although it does eliminate the theory that all the writers for the paper are the same person."
"What're you talking about, Hermione? Even if you don't like Ask Peeves you have to admit Fred and George are hilarious."
"I guess some of their ideas are amusing, but some are just stupid, including Ask Peeves."
"Whatever, Hermione. I let you insulting Peeves slide this time, because I'm so happy I found out who it is. I gotta write 'Peeves' a letter saying how he needs to try harder hiding his, I mean their identity."
The next day Peeves had again helped three deserving people with his advice.
Ask Peeves:
Alternate Universe Alchemy, Disgusting Lycanthrope Problems, and Getting a Guy to Notice You
What's wrong with you people? Can't anyone ask a question worth answering? I have three people today all of which should have thought twice before writing to me. One asks a question that makes no goddamn sense, another tells me some repulsive shit he should keep to himself, and that last one asks an obvious, self-explanatory question. If any dipshits reading this want to write to me, you better know every question answered today as an example of what NOT to ask me.
Dear Peeves,
What is Alchemy exactly in the Harry Potter World? In the FMA world, it is equilivent exchange and all that rules but here, Flamel created the Philosopher's Stone with only stuff or something!! It requires alot of human sacrifices in FMA so what is it in the HPW?
-Takashi Roiji
Takashi Roiji-
The Harry Potter world? Even though most of the brainless idiots at this paper and in the rest of the country worship that kid, doesn't mean there's such a thing as "the Harry Potter world." I have no idea what the FMA world is, but I'm guessing it's some kind of non-existent alternate universe. I'm assuming that you're comparing the real, Harry Potter obsessed world, to this fake "FMA" world. Since I'm feeling especially nice today, I'll give you the definition of alchemy.
Alchemy: A form of chemistry used by broke potions nerds to turn their worthless metals into gold. Another definition is these same losers finding the elixir of life, which allows them to live their pointless, miserable lives forever.
I hope this definition was some help to you! If it wasn't, don't get pissed at me because your question a. didn't make any goddamn sense, and b. wasn't asking for advice. I actually shouldn't have answered it at all.
-Peeves
Dear Peeves,
I have a bit of a problem, I'm a werewolf. Normally I take a Wolfsbane potion to prevent 100 transformations and since I was single for years the sexual side effects never bothered me. I recently started dating a clumsy but oh so beautiful witch and am eager to go to bed with her. I'm just scared that the side effects of the potion (multi-coloured pus-filled boils that shoot out sparks when I get excited) will turn her off. Should I stop taking the potion and risk killing dozens of people, or just yank it out and hope it doesnt scare her away?
-R.L.
R.L.-
Look, I sure as hell didn't want to know what kind of sick shit the side effects for Wolfsbane are. I gave some good advice to the last fucktard, so I don't see why I should give some to you too. Get lost.
-Peeves
Dear Peeves,
There's a guy I really like at Hogwarts. Problem is, I don't know if he notices me. What should I do?
From,
-In Love
In Love-
Have you ever tried TALKING to him, you fucking wuss? It might actually work, and it would show people you're not mute.
-Peeves
"If it is Fred and George, they are hiding their identities well," observed Harry, "I gave them the money to start their damn careers, so they'd better like me!"
"Do they have to worship you?" asked Hermione.
"No, it annoys the hell out of me when people to do that just as much as when people are assholes."
Ron who wasn't listening, but rereading Ask Peeves, said "Those gits better answer my question tomorrow, or I'll kick them with MY steal-toed boots."