ACT I
SCENE V. A hall in Capulet's house.
Musicians waiting. Enter Servingmen, with napkins.
FIRST SERV. It is the party. Exeunt.
Enter CAPULET, with JULIET and others of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers.
CAP. Everybody dance!
Nobody moves.
CAP. I'll tell everyone in Verona you have corns!
Music plays and they dance.
Ah yes, how long has it been since you and I masked, random person?
SEC CAP. Thirty years.
CAP. I'm not that old, am I?
SEC. CAP. 'Fraid so.
CAP. Damn. I guess that means I can't go after the hot, young promiscuous women here tonight?
SEC. CAP. It does…pedophile.
CAP. No, Paris is the pedophile.
ROM. To a Servingman Who's the hot girl?
SERV. I don't know.
ROM. How can you not know, you're her servant! Shit, I don't know that yet. Strike that last comment off the record, folks! She a sexy piece of work.
SERV. You're creeping me out. Exeunt.
TYB. It's Romeo! How dare he come here, he probably wants to steal my girlfriend like his good-for-nothing cousin. And he's ogling Juliet, the pedophile! I'm a Mexican with sideburns AND combover! The Donald's got nothing on me! He's ogling my cousin and now Romeo's more than fired!
CAP. I've heard that before, where are you going and who are you seeking vengeance on?
TYB. Romeo's here and he's ogling—
CAP. Shut up and ignore him. The Prince'll kill me if I lay a finger on him.
TYB. No, I won't endure him!
CAP. Drama queen. Go away.
TYB. Fine, I'll just kill him later. Exeunt.
ROM. To JULIET Listen, okay. I know this Shakespeare guy wants us to go into an excruciatingly painful and long metaphor about saints and prayers so people don't suspect us, but I'm gonna make this short: I think you're hot and I KNOW I'm hot, so let's sneak off into the back room and make out.
JUL. Okay!
NURSE. Juliet, your mother wants you again.
ROM. Who is her mother? She's interrupting our make-out session.
NURSE. I'll pretend like I didn't hear that. Her mother is the Lady Capulet.
ROM. O no! She would have had sex with me! Um, I mean, I love her.
JUL. Who was that guy?
NURSE. I don't know. I'll go ask because I know that's what you're getting at.
JUL. Ok. If he's married I'll die, and that's not foreshadowing at all.
NURSE. He's a Montague, stay away. Stay away from the Montagues, girl, and always remember: CONSTANT VIGALANCE!
JUL. That came from nowhere, but I don't care because my heart is broken! I wanted to have sex with him!
NURSE. Huh?
JUL. I didn't say anything.
NURSE. Right. Let's get you into bed then. Exeunt.