Chapter 6

The only thing Kid had in mind was to get as far away from Lou as he could. At least for now.

He knew she´d just reacted out of worry, and her concern showed nothing but her love for him. And above it all, he also had this horrible guilt inside of him. A guilt that by now had nested in the deepest and darkest corner of his soul. It was nobody's fault but his own he was in this position. It was his fault Lou had to go through this ordeal and was so worried about him, so the least he could do was suck it up and accept all her overprotectiveness.

The problem was he just couldn´t take it anymore. He couldn´t take his own wife treating him like he wasn´t able to take care of himself, like he was some sort of invalid. And if she thought he couldn´t take care of himself, how was she ever going to feel he could be there for her, to look after her?

When he thought he was going to lose his leg what had terrified him the most was becoming a burden for Lou instead of a partner. But that was exactly how she made him feel. He now felt like a helpless little child who needed constant care, not a husband, not even a friend. Like he had lost his leg all the same. She didn´t trust him anymore. She didn´t rely on him anymore. She didn´t even think he was capable of getting better. His biggest fear was becoming a reality and he felt like he was drowning under Lou´s constant care.

So he just kept walking into the night, trying to calm down a little, until he realized the effort of the day had indeed been too much and his leg was killing him.

Damn, he thought.

So he retraced his steps as slowly as he could, his hand cramping from how tightly he was gripping the cane to stay upright.

He couldn't even think about facing Lou right now, not when he was so upset. He knew himself better than that. So he headed for the bunkhouse and sat on the steps, trying to recover his strength and his calm.

He didn´t notice Buck coming from the house until his friend was kneeling right beside him, handing him a plate of hot food.

"Hey," Buck said quietly. "You haven´t eaten all day long".

Kid gave him a half smile and shook his head. He looked really miserable, Buck thought.

"Thanks, Buck, I ain´t hungry."

Buck grunted and sat next to him.

"Well, it´s really Rachel´s orders, so you don´t have too much choice," he insisted, pushing the plate toward Kid again until his friend reluctantly took it.

Kid looked absently at the food and started playing with it with his fork.

Buck cleared his throat. "You know," he said casually, "I need to ask you a favor."

"Sure", Kid replied, not paying too much attention to him.

"Well, Teaspoon had been asking me to run an errand for him, and I´ve been postponing it. No big deal, just take a package for him to Fairbury´s Marshal. It will be kind of boring for me to go by myself, so I was thinking you might wanna come."

Yeah, Buck thought, as if he´s gonna buy that.

Kid chuckled sadly and looked at him.

"C´mon, Buck. You know I can´t ride."

"That´s the point exactly," Buck hastily said. "It´s a big package, so it has to be taken by wagon. That´s why it´ll be so boring for me to go by myself. Besides," he added, " I can always use another gun. Your hand works perfectly well, now, doesn´t it?"

Kid looked doubtfully at his friend for a minute.

"I´m sure Teaspoon can have a word at the telegraph office. You know, so they give you a couple days off," Buck went on.

He´s definitely not buying it, he thought again.

But amazingly, maybe because he was eager, even desperate, to grab any chance he could to get away from there, Kid did.

So he finally shrugged.

"Yeah, sure, why not."

Buck let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief, and with a big smile patted his friend on the shoulder.

Now came the hard part. It was important Kid didn´t tell Lou he was going away. Buck and Teaspoon knew Lou was going to try to convince him not to leave, and the mayhem that would follow was nothing anybody wanted. So he went for the safest option.

"So, go talk to Lou and let me know what she says."

Kid turned to him with a resentful look.

"I´m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I don´t need to talk to Lou about anything," he replied dryly.

Buck grinned innocently.

"Great! Then we leave first thing in the morning."

He got up and turned to leave when Kid called him again.

"Listen, Buck..." he hesitated, looking up at his friend.

"Yeah?" Buck said, stopping in the bunkhouse door.

"Is it all right if I sleep at the bunkhouse tonight?"

Buck kept silent for a second. It looked like things between his two dear friends had reached a breaking point. He just hoped he and the rest of the family were really able to help them.

"Sure," he finally answered. "There´s always enough room."

"Thanks," Kid simply said, and looked away into the night again, lost in his thoughts.

Buck went quietly inside without bothering him anymore. There would be plenty of chance to talk the next day.

Kid sat on the bunkhouse steps until very late. He knew for sure not telling Lou about the trip and just leaving without a word was going to make her go ballistic, but he just didn´t care anymore. He needed to put some distance between them before he said something he knew he was going to regret. He was drowning and he was desperately craving some air.

Later that night, lying in his old bunk and staring blankly at the roof, he kept thinking over and over about how they had reached this point. Since the last days of the Express, it was the first night since they got married that he was sleeping away from Lou. His arms felt empty because she wasn´t there. He missed her so badly, several times he almost got up and went to their room. But every time he stopped himself. It was like he couldn´t breathe anymore around her. And he knew it wasn´t just her attitude that was tearing them apart. It was also this terrible guilt he couldn´t get rid of, this terrible guilt that was just killing him.

He loved his wife so much he couldn´t bear the thought of ever being without her. There had to be a way to fix this. There simply had to be. And yet he couldn´t figure it out.

When Lou realized she'd been brushing Lightning so long she'd almost worn the hide right off him, she decided to go back to the house and give Kid a piece of her mind. She was certainly not going to let his irresponsible behavior pass unremarked.

She went straight to t heir room without talking to anybody else. She dropped onto the bed fully dressed, arms crossed in front of her, and waited for him to come back.

But when time passed by and he didn´t, she slowly started to doze off, until she fell fully asleep.

When she opened her eyes the sun was up in the sky and the day's light poured through the open window.

She jolted up and look beside her. The bed was made. Kid hadn´t been there the whole night. Her heart sank, thinking something had happened to him. She jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs two at a time.

Nobody was in the house. She burst outside, and found Rachel in the back, hanging out the laundry.

"Good morning!" Rachel said joyfully when she saw her.

"Rachel, have you seen Kid?" Lou asked anxiously.

Rachel took a deep breath. All right, here we go, she thought, bracing herself.

"Oh, Kid left with Buck very early this morning. They went to Fairbury to run an errand for Teaspoon," Rachel said as casually as she could.

Lou stopped short a few steps from her friend. She went suddenly pale.

"What?!" she cried in disbelief. "What…what do you mean he´s gone?"

Rachel kept hanging the laundry as if nothing she said were a big deal. "Well, I mean exactly what I said. Teaspoon asked him and Buck to run an errand for him and that´s what they´re doing."

Lou stood looking at her, trying unsuccessfully to get a sound out of her mouth.

"Whe…where is Teaspoon?" she finally managed to stutter.

"I´m right here, child," a voice called behind her.

She turned on her heels to see Teaspoon sitting on a chair on the bunkhouse porch, legs stretched in front of him and arms crossed over his chest, looking at her.

She stormed towards him.

"What´s this story about you sending Kid out to Fairbury?" she exclaimed.

When she reached the bunkhouse she climbed the steps two at a time and stopped right in front of Teaspoon, looking at him incredulously.

Teaspoon looked up at her.

"I asked him to go with Buck, yes," he said calmly.

Lou shook her head.

"Wha...why? You know he shouldn´t be doing any kind of travelling! I could have gone with Buck if you needed me to! Why did you ask him?" she yelled, gesticulating with her hands all the time.

Teaspoon kept looking at her.

"Because, I thought we needed to get him out of here," he sat up and put his hands on his knees, leaning towards Lou, "and away from you."

Lou let her jaw drop, speechless. It took a while for her to recover her voice.

"What?" she finally managed to whisper. She shook her head. "Is this about what happened yesterday? Because if it is, Kid should have known better than go and get some stupid cane and-"

"The cane was my idea," Teaspoon cut her off. "I gave it to him."

"What?! Why would you do such a thing, Teaspoon?" Lou was so upset she could hardly breathe. Her face was red. Her eyes were popping out of their sockets. She was completely out of her mind. "What the hell were you thinking?!"

"All right, that´s it," Teaspoon grunted, quickly getting up.

He grabbed an astonished Lou by the arm, turned her around, and dragged her down the steps and back to the yard.

"What on earth are you doing, Teaspoon?" Lou cried, trying unsuccessfully to get loose.

"Yer coming with me, sweetheart," the man simply said, taking her along with him.

"Coming where?" she hollered, right before she looked ahead and saw where they were heading.

She gasped when she saw the sweat lodge in the distance.

"What?! Why are you taking me there? What did I do?"

She turned to glare at Teaspoon, whose expression didn´t give away a thing. He just kept walking and dragging her along.

"Rachel!" she shrieked, looking back towards her friend, but the other woman just shrugged and waved at her.

"Oh, no,no,no!" Lou screamed, trying to get rid of Teaspoon´s grip with her free hand and digging her boots into the ground. That finally managed to stop him.

"I´m not going in there, Teaspoon!" she wailed looking at him, twisting her arm.

"And why not?" her mentor replied, never letting go of her arm. "God knows ya surely´ve been asking for it for a while."

Loo knew he was not going to back up. So she tried another tactic.

"Alright, you´re right, I lost it back there," she took a deep breath. "But I've calmed down now, see?" she tried to smile but came up with a grimace.

Teaspoon leaned towards her and looked her in the eyes.

"Yer coming in, child," and he started walking again.

"Are you crazy, Teaspoon?" Lou kept squirming. Teaspoon had to use both his hands now to grab her. "What if somebody see us? What are people going to say? I´m supposed to be a girl now!"

"And when have ya ever given a damn about that, Lou?" Teaspoon replied. "What happened to wanting to be treated like one of the boys, huh? Have you changed yer mind about that?"

"Of course not! But this is different! Do you realize how improper this is?"

"Well," Teaspoon stopped in front of the sweat lodge, grabbed both of her shoulders and looked at her, "it certainly ain´t more improper than how ya´ve been acting lately."

Lou knew there was no way out of this.

She looked at Teaspoon pleadingly and gave it one final shot.

"I´m not wearing longjonhs anymore, Teaspoon," she whispered.

"I don´t care," Teaspoon whispered back, mocking her. "Leave yer clothes on, if ye want. Though yer probably gonna melt if you do."

He let go of one of her shoulders and pointed at her with his finger.

"Lou, ya know I couldn´t love ya more if ya was my own daughter, but ya better get in there in the next two minutes or I´ll track ya down and drag ya back here in front of the whole town if I have to."

And with that he disappeared inside the tent.

Damn! Lou looked desperately around but she knew she had no choice. So she resignedly took a deep breath and as quickly as she could stripped down to her chemise and pantalettes, praying there was nobody around to see her.

Lou sat awkwardly looking around, her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs, waiting for Teaspoon to say whatever he was going to say. But the man kept quiet, eyes closed, just pouring some water on the hot rocks from time to time.

They stayed like that for a while. Lou could feel her hair getting damp and the sweat running down her face. She was starting to have trouble breathing, so she cleared her throat a couple of times to see if she could hurry Teaspoon. But she knew the man wasn´t going to talk until he was ready.

He finally took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and looked at his young protégé.

"Lou," he stated. "I´m gonna tell ya a story, and," he held up his hand when she tried to talk, "I want ya to listen quietly until I´m done. Then ya can protest and scream and kick as much as ya want. Is that all right? Can ya do that?"

"A story?" Lou exclaimed. "But-"

"Just humor me, would ya?" Teaspoon cut her off.

Lou was completely intrigued now. A story? But since she didn't have much of a choice she shrugged, trying to look indifferent, and nodded, annoyed.

"Well," Teaspoon started, "this is a story ´bout two people. A man and a woman. No" he hastily corrected himself, "actually a boy and a girl, who had to grow up way faster than they was supposed to. The boy was a fine one. Honest, gentle, as decent as a man can be. A straight arrow in all the senses. Sometimes too straight for his own good," he said, leaning towards Lou and winking at her.

Lou chuckled slightly. That sounded like someone she knew only too well.

"Now, the girl," Teaspoon went on, leaning back, "she was really somethin´. Some might have said she was a little puny, oh, but ya really wouldn't wanna mess with her. She was tough, and strong and independent, always determined to take care of herself."

Lou looked up at Teaspoon. Now she knew where this was heading.

"On the inside, though," the man went on, "she was the sweetest and most caring person ya could meet, and sometimes she was a little more sentimental than she wanted ta be, but," Teaspoon quickly added, hushing Lou with a gesture of his hand as she opened her mouth to protest, "God forbid she let ya ever see that side of her, at least not at the beginning."

Lou couldn´t help a smile, and she shook her head at Teaspoon.

"The thing is," Teaspoon said in a confidential tone, leaning again towards Lou, "they fell in love. Madly in love." Lou stifled a giggle at this. Teaspoon looked intently at her. "Like they was made for each other. A good love. The right kind. The one ya don´t just find ´round the corner. Despite being so different from each other, or maybe, because of it, who knows. But they belonged to each other, that you could tell just by looking at them."

Lou sighed loudly and lowered her eyes.

After a brief pause, Teaspoon kept talking.

"But when somethin´s really worth it, it´s never easy, my child. This boy was dazzled by this girl, ´cause she was nothing like he was used to. She was bold and daring and completely self-reliant, and I´ve always believed this was the main reason he fell for her in the first place. But at the same time, he was used to being a gentleman, to taking care of a lady. And, above all, he had lost too many dear things in his life, and he was terrified of losing her."

Lou just kept silent, looking at the ground, as Teaspoon went on.

"The girl, on the other hand, was a survivor. A real survivor. She had been through terrible things, things maybe a grown man wouldn´t have been able to bear. The only way for her to survive was to demonstrate to herself and the world she could take care of herself. Simple as that. This was vital for her."

Lou stirred but still didn´t look up.

"So there´s where the problems started. Because, ya see, this boy, who loved this girl with all his heart, who was proud of her, who wouldn´t wanna change an inch of who she was, who wanted her exactly for who she was, at the same time had this terrible urge to protect her, to take care of her, to shield her from any danger. Just because he couldn´t bear the thought of losing her. He even decided that if she wasn´t going to let him do this he couldn´t be with her." Teaspoon paused meaningfully and stared at Lou. "How do ya think this attitude made her feel, Lou?" he slowly asked.

Lou kept silent for a moment and then murmured, without looking up, "We worked that out Teaspoon. I know he was just caring for me and…"

"That´s not what I asked Lou," Teaspoon sharply cut her off. "I know ya talked, I know ya understood Kid´s intentions, I know he realized his mistake and I know ya worked things out. What I´m asking is, how did Kid´s attitude make ya feel, Lou?"

Lou didn't say anything, as understanding finally began to dawn on her. She slowly raised her head to look at Teaspoon, a horrified look in her eyes.

"Oh my goodness…" she whispered.

Teaspoon locked his eyes with hers and asked again, "How, Lou?"

"I felt like…" she gulped, "like he didn´t trust me, like he thought I wasn´t reliable. Like he thought I was just a helpless little girl, like he wanted me to be someone I wasn´t." Her eyes were filled with tears now. "I needed him to see I was capable of taking care of myself, and he kept showing me he thought otherwise. He made me feel like he thought I was…useless…"

"But that´s not how he felt, Lou," Teaspoon replied. "Like I told ya, he trusted ya, he was proud of ya. He was just afraid something would happen to ya." Then he leaned back and waited for the young girl´s answer. He knew he had reached her.

"I know," Lou said softly, tears running down her cheeks. "I know he was. But the way he acted, that´s how he made me feel…"

She slowly put her hand over her mouth and looked desperately at Teaspoon.

"Kid is a very proud and upstanding man, Lou. For men like him it's vital to feel useful, protective. Yer his wife, and he needs to know you can count on him, you can rely on him."

"And that´s exactly the opposite of what I´ve been doing…" Lou whispered through her hand.

She suddenly reached out and grabbed Teaspoon´s sleeve.

"But that ain´t how I feel about him!" she exclaimed, shaking her head. Then she went on, letting the words flow without a pause, without thinking. "I´m so proud of him, of how strong and brave he has been through all this! He´s my rock, my support. I know I can always count on him, always. It´s just that I almost lost him, and now I know I can´t live without him, as simple as that, and I´m terrified something bad will happen to him because I don´t know how I would survive!

She stopped abruptly, as Teaspoon gave her a meaningful look, and she slowly sat back. "But that´s not how I´ve made him feel…" she whispered, almost to herself. "I´ve made him feel a cripple, a useless man, that I don´t believe in him… What have I done, how could I´ve been so blind?" she finally said, looking miserably at her mentor.

Teaspoon sighed in relief. Thank goodness, he thought. Then he pulled Lou into a fatherly hug.

"Don´t beat yerself up, child," Teaspoon gently said. "Ye both´ve been through a lot. Yer heart was in the right place."

"But, but.." Lou sobbed, letting go of the old man. "I don´t know what to do. This is horrible, the way I feel. Everytime he´s out of my sight I think something terrible is gonna happen to him, Teaspoon. Sometimes I fear I´m gonna wake up and realize this is just a dream, that he really died on that battlefield and he ain´t with me anymore. How can I make it stop?"

Teaspoon felt his heart clench at the pleading look in the young girl´s eyes. They were still so young, both of them. He smiled reassuringly at her.

"It´s over, darling," he sofltly said. "Fer some kind of miracle we can´t expect to understand, yer both back home in one piece. So ya´ll just have to find the way to be thankful for that and move on. Ya had to be strong for him when he got hurt, but ya can let go know. Ya can´t live the rest of your life expecting something bad to happen, Lou. That ain´t fair, for either of ya. Ya have to let it go, sweetheart. Do ya understand that?"

Lou slowly nodded and looked at him with fear in her eyes. "Do you think it's too late?" she said almost inaudibly.

Teaspoon smiled sweetly at her. "Ye think we would be having this conversation if I thought it was too late? Ye think yer family would have let you go that far?"

Lou shook her head, the saddest smile on her face. Then Teaspoon got to his feet, squeezed her shoulder and headed for the door.

"Teaspoon!" Lou exclaimed, without looking back at him.

"Yes?" he said, stopping at the entrance.

"Thank you," the girl whispered.

Teaspoon smiled. "Yer very welcome, dear. That´s what family´s for."

Then he left. Now let her think about this for a while…

He knew she needed to cry, and he knew she needed to be alone to do it.

And that´s exactly what she did. She started sobbing at first, but then the tears started to come in an unstoppable flow, and she cried like she hadn't done in a long time. All the fear, the despair, the anger, they all flowed through her tears and she felt she would never be able to stop.

Eventually the tears slowed, until she finally sat quietly, staring blankly into the heating stones that had long since gone cold.

Her mind was in a turmoil. She had a horrible feeling about her actions toward Kid. It was a feeling that had been there hiding inside her heart ever since their return. Lou knew the time had come to face it.

If Kid doesn´t need me to take care of him anymore, what´s left for me?

She sat there, contemplating the stark question, until she realized she was freezing. So she slowly crawled out of the sweat lodge, got dressed, and headed back home in the dark.

She felt this dreadful emptiness in the core of her heart, and only one thought occupied her mind. Don´t let it be too late. Please, don´t let it be too late…

To be continued.

Thank you so much to Pilar for her idea about Teaspoon dragging Lou to the sweatlodge. It was a great idea!