Disclaimer (Read by Cousin Kyle): The following is a non-profit fan based parody. South Park, South Park: The Stick of Truth and South Park: The Fractured But Whole are all owned by Comedy Central, South Park Studios, Viacom, Matt Stone, and Trey Parker. Please support the official release.
It was a beautiful sunny day in South Park, and school was finally in session after the government closed down school for a cover-up operation to disguise an alien spaceship as a Taco Bell. The new student, Dovahkiin, was enjoying the great day, and school had just finished. Dovahkiin was walking outside with his new friends Cartman, Kyle, and Jimmy.
"Yawn! Man, what a great sleep I had last night!" Cartman said.
"Yeah! That was the best sleep I've had in months!" Kyle said
"So, what did you guys do last night?" Jimmy said.
"Nothing much, just watched some TV and went to bed!" Kyle said.
"N-n-nothing ever happens in our b-b-boring lives!" Jimmy said. Cartman then went over to Dovahkiin.
"New Kid, listen, change into your superhero costume when no one is looking, and wait for a call from The Coon." Cartman said.
"So, anyways, see you guys later!" Cartman said. Dovahkiin then spun around when no one was looking, and changed into his superhero costume. Just then, a kid in an orange coat came by.
"How'd you do that? That was dumb." The kid said.
"Well fuck you man, I think it's cool." Dovahkiin said before going home. Just then, he got a call on his phone from The Coon.
"ButtLord, I need you to go Fastpass' house to find out what Classi knows. Coon out!" The Coon said. Dovahkiin then headed over to Fastpass' house, and entered it. When he got inside, he saw Classi sitting on the couch.
"Oh shit, it's you. Don't be farting on my face and shit. HEY FASTPASS! ONE OF YO SUPER HOMIES IS HERE!" Classi said. Fastpass then came into the room with a drink for Classi.
"Oh, hey New Kid! Coon told me he wanted you to interrogate the witness, so go ahead!" Fastpass said.
"Well, alright. Where are the cats being taken?" Dovahkiin said.
"Well, I ain't telling you shit until you get my medication!" Classi said.
"Y-y-your medication?!" Fastpass said. Classi said before giving a piece of paper to Dovahkiin.
"Yeah, my medication. Can't think straight without it. You can get it at Medical Fried Chicken." Classi said.
"Yeah, I'll go get your medication. Be back soon!" Dovahkiin said before heading out. Just as he was about to make it downtown, he got a call from The Human Kite.
"What do you want Kite?" Dovahkiin said.
"Yeah, uh, New Kid, you know that problem from yesterday? Well, it's back, and it's worse. Can you come over to help?" Human Kite said.
"Yeah, sure Kite, I'll be over in a few minutes." Dovahkiin said before hanging up. He then went over to Human Kite's house, and knocked on the door. Human Kite opened it.
"Oh, hey New Kid, the problem's out back. Come with me." Human Kite said as he went to the backyard, while Dovahkiin followed him. Kite then opened the door, and Dovahkiin saw Human Kite 2 standing on a play structure.
"I'm BAAACCCKK!" Human Kite 2 said.
"Can you please deal with him?" Human Kite said.
"Oh no! Look Cousin Kyle, it's that mean kid that beat me up before!" Human Kite 2 said.
"Oh no, someone stop him." Human Kite said with extreme sarcasm.
"Don't worry Cousin Kyle, I have developed these super sensors that will make it impossible for him to beat us this time!" Human Kite 2 said.
"I have to stay out of this. Just please, PLEASE, get rid of him." Human Kite said.
"Prepare to meet your doom, evil bully kid!" Human Kite 2 said before coming down and putting up a blockade.
"This barrier represents the Red Sea, which you will be unable to cross without Moses on your side!" Human Kite 2 said.
"What? That's bullshit!" Dovahkiin said as he called for help from Super Craig, The Coon, and Captain Diabetes.
"I don't want to mess this up, but here it goes!" Human Kite 2 said before firing a laser into the sky, and having it hit the four heroes.
"Ow! Jesus Fucking Christ! I will kill you Human Kike 2!" The Coon said before clawing away at the barrier, destroying part of it. Dovahkiin then fired a psychic blast at the barriers. Two parts of it were destroyed, leaving a spot open to get to Human Kite 2. Super Craig then punched the final part of the barrier, leaving Human Kite 2 without any protection. Captain Diabetes then used a Sugar Rush to attack Human Kite 2, and gained some protection from it. Human Kite 2 then fired another laser, and hit all of them, dealing minor damage. The Coon then jumped into the air, and slashed his claws at Human Kite 2, causing bleeding. Super Craig rammed into Human Kite 2. Dovahkiin fired three fire blasts at Human Kite 2, causing him to collapse.
"Alright, that's it! You guys asked for it, and now, Human Kite is going to use his Hebrew faith to call upon the power of the wind. Hikmail ashungya!" Human Kite said, as the strength of the wind grew more powerful.
"Let the strength of the wind make my kite fly into - OH JESUS, IT FELL OFF!" Human Kite 2 said as the kite on the back of his costume flew into a tree.
"Oh Jesus, my kite just fell up into the tree Cousin Kyle!" Human Kite 2 said.
"Then GIVE UP!" Human Kite said.
"Don't worry, super buddy cousin! Perhaps I don't have my kite, but I still have my super weapon! AUNT SHEILA! THESE KIDS ARE PICKING ON ME!" Human Kite 2 said.
"WHAT? WHAT?! WHHHAAATTTT?!" A voice shouted out from Human Kite's house. Shiela Broflovski then came out of the house.
"WHO'S PICKING ON YOU?!" Kyle's Mom said.
"Who do you kids think you are? I'll call your mothers right now!" Kyle's Mom said.
"Yeah! Get them Aunt Shiela!" Human Kite 2 said as he hid behind Kyle's Mom. Super Craig then punched Kyle's Mom, shoving her back into Human Kite 2.
"That's for starting the Canadian-American war, bitch!" Super Craig said.
"HEY! GUYS, THAT'S MY MOM!" Human Kite said.
"Alright guys, we're taking this too far! Just STOP!" Human Kite said.
"To heck with that! These boys need to learn some manners!" Kyle's Mom said.
"Yeah, Aunt Shiela!" Human Kite 2 said as he used a Jewish scroll to summon a shield.
"Hey, you wanna beat up my mom, you're going to have to go through me first!" Human Kite said.
"Oh shit! Human Kite has been mind-controlled by that bitch Kyle's Mom!" The Coon said as he slashed away at her face.
"You want to come into my backyard and disrespect my family?! I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!" Kyle's Mom said as she bitchslapped The Coom multiple times. Human Kite then summoned a kite shield to protect his mom.
"You shouldn't mess with my mom, she's gonna kick your ass!" Human Kite said.
"Kyle! Language!" Kyle's Mom said as she punched Captain Diabetes, knocking him back. Dovahkiin then fired multiple fire blasts, and a psychic blast at Human Kite, causing major damage. Human Kite 2 then fired a laser that hit The Coon and Super Craig.
"You alright Super Craig?" Dovahkiin said.
"Yeah sure, I'm fan-fucking-tastic!" Super Craig said as he hit Human Kite 2 hard, breaking his shield. The Coon then slashed at Human Kite, incapacitating him. The Coon then used his ultimate attack, and rapidly swung his claws at both Kyle's Mom and Human Kite 2, defeating them.
"Yeah! The mind control has been lifted!" The Coon said. Kyle's Mom then got up.
"Kyle, call the police! We're have to get these kids arrested!" Kyle's mom said.
"No mom! No police! This is all MY fault." Human Kite said.
"WHAT?!" Kyle's mom said.
"Look, it's just, I couldn't take my cousin copying everything I do! The Human Kite is about saving people, not about Judaism!" Human Kite said.
"And now look at all the damage you've caused! I should press charges again your friends!" Kyle's mom said.
"And my kite's up in a tree!" Human Kite 2 said.
"Look, I'll do anything, OK?" Human Kite said.
"You are going to let your cousin play with you from now on, IS THAT CLEAR?" Kyle's mom said.
"Oh boy Cousin Kyle, Aunt Shiela says I get to play with you!" Human Kite 2 said.
"Yes, sometimes you can play with us. But only when it's not dangerous." Human Kite said.
"Now get your cousin's kite out of that tree, you're not playing anymore until you do!" Kyle's mom said as she dragged Human Kite 2 back into the house.
"Wow man, that was a really nice thing you did back there." Dovahkiin said.
"Yeah I know. The only reason I didn't want him playing superheroes is that he could get himself killed, because we are actual heroes. And then I would never hear the end of it from mom." Human Kite said.
"Hey, Super Craig said that your mom caused the Canadian-American war. Do you know anything about that?" Dovahkiin said, referring to the war that took place a year ago.
"Oh yeah, that? It's a really long story involving the first Terrance and Phillip movie, cursing, a moral epidemic, Satan, and Saddam Hussein. I'll tell you it later. Now we gotta get that kite out of the tree!" Human Kite said.
"Wait, I have an idea. Get on my back, and don't question it." Dovahkiin said.
"Okay, fine." Human Kite said before getting on Dovahkiin's back. Dovahkiin then propelled himself and Human Kite through the air with a series of farts. They then were able to reach the kite. Dovahkiin and Human Kite then jumped back down, stabilizing themselves with a fart.
"Holy shit, dude! That was awesome!" Human Kite said.
"I know!" Dovahkiin said.
"I'm going to call that Fartkour, if you ever need to get someplace high, give me a text and we'll Fartkour over there! God I hope I never have to do that in public." Human Kite said before giving the kite to Dovahkiin. Dovahkiin then went inside, and saw Kyle's Mom treating Human Kite 2's wounds.
"Here you go." Dovahkiin said.
"Oh thanks! Now I can fight crime again!" Human Kite 2 said. Dovahkiin then went downtown, and into the alleyway, when all of a sudden, Raisins Girls showed up in front of him. He was about to turn around, when he saw more Raisins Girls closing the entrance to the alleyway.
"You made a real mistake when you attacked us." Porsche said as she swung her razor-sharp nails at Dovahkiin, who put up a psychic shield, which soaked up the damage.
"Oh, hell no!" Dovahkiin said as he kicked Mercedes, causing her to fly back into Lexus. The other Raisins girls tried to attract Dovahkiin, but it didn't work.
"Ladies, didn't you learn anything from last time? I'm not affected by your tricks!" Dovahkiin said as he fired psychic blasts at both Porsche and Mercedes. Lexus then threw a punch at Dovahkiin, who dodged it, as he fell right into Mercedes' nails. Dovahkiin retaliated by throwing a few fireballs at her, incapacitating her. Dovahkiin then fired psychic blasts at both Porshce and Lexus, which also incapacitated them. Lexus then got up again.
"You fucked with the wrong bitches!" Lexus said.
"You really think you're tough shit, don't you? Well it's time for you to meet someone. Say hello to Rebecca!" Mercedes said as a huge fat kid wearing a Raisins outfit breathing heavily came into the alleyway.
"I'm going to break you in half, and shove you up my butt!" Rebecca said as she slammed into Dovahkiin, causing him to collapse. She was then ready to attack Dovahkiin again, but was checking her phone.
"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Rebecca said.
"What?" Porshce said.
"A thousand people just disliked this picture of me in ballet class on Instagram! I'm totally getting trolled right now!" Rebecca said. All Raisins Girl checked their phones, as they all got notifications.
"What the f? Heather, why did you say I was going out with Eric Cartman?" The Raisins Girl said.
"I didn't!" Heather said.
"I'm getting trolled too!" Lexus said.
"What the fuck?! What the fuck?! I just lost all of my followers!" Rebecca said.
"I have to get to a computer!" Heather said, as all the Raisins Girls left.
"You win this time asshole, but next time, we'll beat you up." Lexus said.
"What the fuck just happened?" Dovahkiin said as he got up. Just then, someone landed behind him.
"Hello New Kid." The person said. Dovahkiin turned around to see a girl with a pink eye mask, gaming headphones, a purple tank-top with multiple electronic devices and a badge with a pink flame on it, and pink shorts and shoes.
"Don't worry, I'm unfriending their Instagrams exponentially, they won't be back for awhile." The woman said.
"You gotta be careful playing superhero. You can make all sorts of enemies." The woman said.
"No shit, now who are you, and who do you work for? Coon and Friends or Freedom Pals?" Dovahkiin said.
"I work for neither. And the name's Call Girl." Call Girl said.
"Well then Call Girl, thanks for saving me." Call Girl said.
"No problem. You know, some boys don't think girls make good superheroes. But you know what it's like to be different. Do you think girls are just as good gamers as boys?" Call Girl said.
"Well, yes. I mean, are you good at games?" Dovahkiin said.
"Well, yes I am very good at video games. Play them a lot when I'm alone. Sometimes while on the job, I play this." Call Girl said as she pointed to the Nintendo Switch on her belt.
"Anyways, you've got some problems. What you did last night got a lot of people's attention. BAD people. There's a crime boss who's calling the shots here in South Park, and that person is now planning to run for office. What you did last night scared him. I'm tracking everyone's Facebooks and Instagrams and will continue to cross-reference with Tumblr, while monitoring Linkdin and Twitter." Call Girl said.
"Well shit. Do you need me to do anything Call Girl?" Dovahkiin said.
"Actually, yes. I heard you and the Freedom Pals got into a fight yesterday. I need information about the Freedom Pals, and fast. Did you manage to steal anything from the Freedom Pals by any chance?" Call Girl said.
"Well, Coon was able to steal Doctor Timothy's phone." Dovahkiin said as he pulled out Timmy's phone, which he pocketed from the Coon Lair yesterday.
"Great, give me a minute." Call Girl said as she opened the back of Timmy's phone, and put a device on it.
"This device will hack into the Freedom Pals' base's security cameras when within a 10-mile radius, leading you and I to monitor the Freedom Pals. Whenever you're in a fight with the Freedom Pals, slip this back in Timmy's pocket." Call Girl said.
"Okay." Dovahkiin said.
"And remember, if you ever need help. Know that you can call on Call Girl." Call Girl said as she climbed up a ladder, and ran across the rooftops.
'Well, it looks like I've got a new ally. Got to go to MFC now." Dovahkiin said as he headed out of the alleyway, and towards Medical Fried Chicken.
To Be Continued...
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