A Touch and a Smile – Chapter six: What Am I Going to Do?
Little warning: This chapter contains NO Quinntana interaction. It is more about the emotional struggle that Santana and Quinn are going through right now. Next chapter will be about the interaction between the girls again. I felt like I needed to say this so you won't be too disappointed.
A month later…
Things had been going well between Quinn and Santana. Most of their evenings they spend together, they ate lunch together and in Glee, they were always sitting next to each other. People had started to notice that the two were becoming best friends and most people found it a bit weird.
It wasn't long ago that they were fighting in the hallways, and backstabbing each other whenever they got the chance so… why this sudden change?
Even Santana and Quinn didn't know the answer. All they knew was that they were really enjoying this time together. They went over to each other's houses; watched movies; giggled; read magazines; giggled some more; gossiped about whoever they could gossip about… they were the best of friends.
Santana loved hanging out with Quinn but it was becoming harder and harder for her to keep covering up her true feelings. It was so hard because whenever she was close to Quinn, she wanted to take her hand and hold it, never let go. When Quinn was standing with her back towards Santana, the Latina wanted to wrap her arms around the slim waist and nuzzle into those blonde locks, taking a deep breath and getting lost in the scent of the blonde. When she saw Quinn's legs… God, she just wanted to kiss all over them, touch every inch of them. She wanted to kiss that beautiful smile Quinn always wore whenever they were around each other. Santana was sure that it would taste as sweet as it looked. She was sure it would make her head spin, even more than just a simple touch of the blonde already did.
Santana was scared. Not scared because of her feelings but it was because Quinn was this perfect, future prom queen Christian girl who, was very accepting, yes, but certainly not gay. She couldn't be. Quinn was someone that just simply could not be gay and Santana didn't want to fool herself. She and Quinn: it would not happen; never. So, she had promised herself that she wouldn't talk about it, never admit it except to myself. But the truth was: Santana Lopez was in love with Quinn Fabray.
No, it was certainly not just a crush. It was love. The Latina was sure about that because Santana knew that if tomorrow, she had to jump in front of a car, to protect Quinn; she'd do it in a heartbeat. She knew because all Santana wanted to do was be close to the beautiful blonde; hold her, kiss her, love her, protect her, cherish her, even worship her. She wanted it all. She wanted to be Quinn's everything, and she wished for Quinn to be hers, too.
But… she had to settle for being her best friend. She had to settle for helping her with her homework, giving her advice on boyfriends or who not to date and she had to settle for being close to Quinn, but not as close as she wanted to be.
It hurt but she would get through this. She was not going to run away and hide from her feelings. She was just not going to express them. She was going to keep them to herself, talking about them, admitting that she had feelings towards the blonde… it would not make anything better or change the fact that they couldn't and wouldn't happen. She had no problem with having feelings for Quinn. That did not scare her, it did not ever surprise her… it just hurt. But Santana was used to emotional pain. It was all she had known for the past year or so. Another few months wouldn't be too bad.
Quinn on the other hand was freaking out. She was basically dying. She had feelings for her best friend; her lesbian best friend. There wasn't a night that went by without Quinn falling to her knees and praying to God that this was not real, that these feelings were just her imagination, and that she wasn't like this, that she wasn't attracted to a girl. That He would take these feelings away from her and make her normal.
She didn't want this. She didn't want to be gay. She just wanted to be a normal, straight girl. She didn't want to stare at Santana's red lips, and feel the urge to kiss them and suck on them, making them even redder. She didn't want to stare at Santana's breasts and wonder how they would feel in her hands, how they would taste beneath her tongue and how much of stimulation it would take to get those nipples hard. She didn't want to see Santana's hands and want them to be running all over her body and work their magic on her skin. She didn't want to look at Santana's legs and wonder how they would feel rapped around her waist, pulling her closer to the beautiful body that belonged to the Latina.
She wanted to look at Puck and wonder how it would be to kiss him again, to feel his hands on her body and his strong, muscular arms around her waist. How it would feel to hold onto his Mohawk as he kissed her neck. How it would feel to wrap her legs around his waist as he made her feel incredible things that she had never experienced before.
Or she wanted to feel this way for Sam, Finn or any boy, really; just someone that wasn't a girl.
Instead the only one on her mind was the beautiful Latina, with the gorgeous laugh and the body of a goddess.
She didn't want to push Santana away. The raven haired girl didn't deserve that. She was nothing but kind to Quinn. She knew that Santana would do pretty much anything for her and it was a great feeling and she actually needed that because for so long, she had felt like she had no one. Finally, she had someone that really cared for her.
Was that why she felt like this? Was she feeling like this because she felt somewhat safe and maybe even… loved when she was Santana? Because she wasn't lonely when she was with her?
But this was not something normal to feel, right? She had become kind of friends with Puck, too and she didn't feel anything like that towards him, even if she wanted to. All she felt was… friendship. While when she was with Santana, her feelings and her hormones just went in overdrive.
Right now, Quinn was laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and debating what to do. She had no idea. The feelings in her stomach were making her go crazy and she buried her face in her pillow and let out a scream that no one heard.
This feeling was making her crazy. This was pure torture. She screamed as hard as she could and then, when she felt empty, sobs overtook her and she felt her pillow sucking up the tears that were leaking from her eyes.
These feelings were exhausting her.
She couldn't be this way. Her family would never accept it. Her religion didn't allow it and her mind was just not made for it.
… Do you know why Quinn can't stand Rachel? It's not because of anything that the brunette has done. When she met the little, Jewish girl in kindergarten, she had actually liked her but when she told her Dad that she was friends with Rachel Berry, her Dad had told her that she couldn't be because Rachel's family was wrong. That it was a sinful family and that she should not be around those people.
She was only five years old so, she believed her Dad, she believed her hero, and he was that back then. She stopped playing with Rachel and went to the girls that went to church with her; Santana and Brittany. Her father did approve of those friends so that's why they became her best friends.
Why she couldn't feel this because of her religion, well, that was easy. The Christian faith simply did not allow homosexual feelings. It was wrong, sinful and disgusting. She had heard Father Jacob say it over and over again. At least once a year he preached about it.
Quinn herself didn't mind gay or bisexual people. She accepted Kurt, Blaine, Santana and Brittany. They didn't bother her because she strongly believed that they were allowed to live their lives like they wanted to and that just because she was raised to believe it was wrong, did not mean that she had to force her believes onto them.
But now, she was at a point in her life where she needed to make a choice and she knew it. She was desperately trying to postpone it. She didn't want to make this decision but she had to.
What was she going to do?
Was she going to follow her heart; or her faith and her family?
If she followed her heart, she would have to start accepting herself for being lesbian or bisexual and she would have to try figure out what it was between her and Santana; if there was anything at all.
If she followed her faith and her family, she would push whatever she was feeling away and carry on with her pretty little Christian girl act. She would find herself a nice boyfriend that her parents would approve off and try to force happiness. She knew that she would be forcing it because that was what she had done when she was with Puck or Finn. She knew that a boy would probably never be able to bring her true happiness; at least, she thought so.
Quinn was aware of the fact that the second option would make her considerably less happy then the first one but was she ready to face this cruel and judging world? Was she ready to potentially lose her family? Was she ready to do something against her faith? Sure, she had sex before she was married and yes, she had done things that were wrong according to the Bible but that didn't mean that she wanted to do those things a lot or on purpose.
Quinn's tears stopped slowly and she sat up. She needed to talk to someone. She needed to let her feelings out. She needed someone that wouldn't judge or try to push her into a certain direction but that would also get what she was going through.
There was no one like that who she knew, so she had to get through this on her own. She sighed and closed her eyes as she rubbed her tired and probably red eyes. She rolled on her side and closed her eyes, trying to catch some sleep, so she wouldn't look like a zombie tomorrow. She imagined that someone was holding her and loving her, she smiled as she felt better with the illusion that there was someone here to protect her. The last thing she thought about before she was asleep, was that she was glad that even in her dreams and fantasies, Santana Lopez was still there to protect her and make her feel safe.
Author Notes: Thanks to everyone that reviewed this story and/or added it or me to their follow/favorite list. It means a lot to me. A thank you to: Eraygoza, LostInNaya'sEyes, Joylinda and three guests for reviewing! Please, tell me what you thought of this chapter!