Disclaimer: Pencil crayon. Post-It. Tylenol. Scissors. Yes, in our attempts to think of a witty disclaimer, we've started picking up random objects for inspiration. It's a good thing we don't actually own Harry Potter or it would have been incredibly unimaginative.
Chapter Six
Lupus
The next three days saw a new pattern begin to slowly establish itself in the Evans household. The awkwardness of sharing a house with four boys dissipated surprisingly quickly, probably owing to the fact that the two parties spent a lot of time apart. Lily had to give their unlikely house guests credit—for all their obnoxiousness, they certainly knew how to give their hosts space and were surprisingly polite for the most part, often staying in their basement confines for large portions of the day.
Life had taken on a certain stagnant quality in the heat of the summer. A lot of time was spent playing video games, eating and generally accomplishing nothing. Lily joined the odd PlayStation session (mostly at James' request) but preferred to spend her days in the backyard, curled up on the soft grass with her nose in a book. Petunia, however, clung to the Marauders in a fashion that could only be described as suffocating. She seemed to feel as though any time not spent in their presence was a complete waste of life, and had developed a habit of camping out by various registers around the house when her idols retreated to the basement for some "alone time".
It was strange, Lily sometimes mused, how quickly one could adapt to such a completely insane situation. If someone had told her a couple of weeks ago that the Marauders would soon be living in her house, she would have laughed in their face (and then maybe felt a little nauseous at the actual concept). Right now, however, it felt as though she was living in some sort of a weird, alternate universe.
Tuesday morning started off in much the same way as its predecessors. Lily, already dressed and showered, was standing in the kitchen, spatula in hand, labouring over a pan of scrambled eggs. On another burner, bacon sizzled and spewed.
"That smells foul," was Petunia's lifeless morning greeting as she shuffled into the kitchen, looking slightly bleary-eyed as she pushed a hand sleepily through her blonde bangs.
Lily glanced sideways at her sister's lethargic figure. "Up all night listening to James snore through the register again, were you?" she shot back in a tone that was almost bored.
Petunia narrowed her eyes as she switched on the coffee maker. "I told you, I thought I dropped an earring into it."
"Right." Lily's eyebrow raise was directed not at her sister, but at the scalding pan in front of her. "Mum and Dad might call today," she noted, changing the subject as she shuffled the eggs around one last time and switched the burner off. It had been a couple of days since Bob and Teresa's last phone call, which had caught them completely off guard. This time, they wanted to be prepared.
"What's our story?" Petunia asked, glancing up as she poured granola into a pink bowl.
"I was feeling a lot better yesterday so we cleaned up our rooms, and today, we plan on... baking cookies? I dunno." Lily shrugged, prodding a piece of bacon and deciding that it was fully cooked. "What do you think?"
"Sounds good," Petunia agreed, and then suddenly jumped back as though she had been given an electric shock, dragging her bowl with her. "Jeez, Lily! A little warning, please!"
Lily, who had been draining the grease from the bacon, shot her sister a look of complete incredulity. "Petunia, I'm on the other side of the kitchen. It can't splash that far."
"You don't know that," Petunia muttered, checking her clothes for oil stains and then peering inside of her bowl to ensure that her breakfast had not been contaminated.
Predictably, it was at that very moment that a loud shout of "BACON!" resounded through the kitchen and the basement door burst open, revealing Sirius' gleeful face.
James emerged a second later, pulling at the hem of his T-shirt and tousling his already sleep-worn hair as he squinted sullenly in Sirius' direction. "Inside voice," he groaned. "Please."
But Sirius had already flung himself onto one of the bar stools at the Evans' counter, eyeing the bacon affectionately as Lily began heaping it onto plates. James followed suit, looking distinctively less awake than Sirius as he collapsed onto the stool beside him. "Morning," he greeted the girls with a lazy lift of his head.
Lily caught his eye and was about to respond when Petunia suddenly cut in front of her. "Good morning, James!" she addressed him cheerfully. She wasted no time at all in grabbing her coffee and her breakfast and plonking herself down in the seat next to him, the bowl hitting the countertop with a loud clink as she did so.
Lily, who for the thousandth time wondered when Petunia would tire of this whole charade, sighed and picked up a couple of plates. "Here, before you wet yourself..." She set one in front of Sirius, who immediately shoved about five pieces of bacon into his mouth at once. "Sherioufshly Lulu, you're the besht!" was his sloppy expression of gratitude.
James gave a small smile as he received his breakfast. "Thanks, Firecracker."
"Is there any more bacon?" Sirius queried immediately, looking slightly forlorn as he stared at the bare spot on his plate.
"What—How?—You ate it all already?" Lily looked alarmed. "How is that even possible?"
"Here," James picked up his plate and shuffled his own share onto Sirius' mound of scrambled eggs. "Take mine, if it'll shut you up."
"I love you," Sirius sighed.
James quirked an eyebrow. "Uh, thanks."
"I was talking to the bacon."
Beside them, Petunia mumbled something about cardiac arrest and shoved a spoonful of granola into her mouth.
There was a muted creaking noise as the basement door swung open once again and two more figures stepped into the kitchen. Remus, if possible, looked even worse than James as he dragged his feet over the final step; on top of his generally dishevelled appearance, he sported dark circles under bloodshot eyes and the kind of pallour that suggested serious illness. Peter, on the other hand, looked as though he'd had the best beauty sleep of his life. His eyes were wide open and he'd donned a lime green baseball cap for no apparent reason.
Remus fell into a chair at the kitchen table, and Sirius took a break from inhaling his food long enough to swivel around on his bar stool and ruffle his bandmate's hair. "'Sup, Moony? You look like crap."
Remus said nothing in response, just propped his elbows up on the table and put his forehead in his hands. James turned around and put a hand on his shoulder, leaning closer to whisper something that Lily couldn't make out, to which Remus shook his head in response.
Lily, who found herself becoming increasingly concerned, wasted no time in pouring him a large cup of coffee and loading up his plate with bacon, eggs, and toast. She brought his breakfast round to the table and placed it in front of him.
"Geez, I knew you guys were used to pampering but I didn't think you'd take this badly to sleeping on the floor."
"Please, Lulu," scoffed Sirius, "I'm pretty sure somebody sewed rocks into the carpet while you weren't looking. My back is covered in bruises."
Lily just rolled her eyes at him and turned back to Remus, folding her arms uncomfortably as she eyed his crumpled figure. "Is it really that bad?"
He lifted his head to peer at her through glassy eyes. "No, it's alright—I mean, the basement's fine. I've just been feeling a bit off lately." He picked up the coffee and put it to his lips, and then paused. "Sorry, but would you mind getting some sugar for this?"
"No problem," said Lily.
"Excuse me, Milady." Lily looked up to see Peter lounged ungracefully across two chairs. He swung his cap around to the side and winked at her—a feat he made to look quite difficult. "I'd care for some breakfast, too, please."
Lily raised an eyebrow at him. She wasn't sure whether he was going for Elizabethan or gangster; quite frankly, this change in behaviour was a little scary. She looked to the other Marauders for an explanation.
"You'll have to ignore him," James said, shaking his head. "That—" he gestured at the gaudy baseball cap "—is Pete's Tuesday Hat. Management gave it to him. Told him to make it 'his thing' 'cause his ratings weren't doing too well and he needed something new... long story. Anyway, he thinks he has to act like this ladies' man or something whenever he has it on. None of us really understand, to tell the truth." As James finished they all looked to Peter, who was nodding along approvingly and flashing them the "a-okay" sign with one hand.
Lily could not seem to think of any sort of logical reply to this revelation. Finally, she turned to James and Sirius. "... Is he on something?"
This caused Sirius to burst out in a loud, snorting gale of laughter. "Nope. One hundred percent Pete—no drugs involved."
"Right," Lily finally uttered. She examined the lime green monstrosity again. "Well, it's certainly... eye-catching."
"It has its own fan page on Facebook," Peter informed her with a disturbing wiggle of his eyebrows.
Lily grimaced. "That's... nice." She slipped back around the counter, loaded up Peter's breakfast plate in a flash, and retrieved a box of sugar cubes from the top cupboard. After depositing everything on the table, she announced, "I'm going to go feed the cat." Without another word, she grabbed a tin of cat food from the bottom of the pantry and slipped out the back door. "Harry!" she called sweetly. "Breakfast!"
Immediately, a black missile shot down the stairs and straight out the door, which Lily had left open a crack. Harry brushed against her legs contentedly for a few seconds before allowing her to scoop him up and carry him toward the shed.
"What the hell is a Tuesday Hat?" she muttered into Harry's furry ear. He let out a gurgly sort of meow in response. "You're lucky you're a cat, so you don't have to deal with this insanity."
For the past three days, Lily had been thinking about this exactly—dealing with things. The Marauders couldn't exactly camp out in the Evanses' basement forever. Not only were they a pain in the ass (though an admittedly less prominent pain than they had initially been) it wasn't helping their situation at all to stay in hiding. They were only allowing Val DeMort more time to plot against them and build up his forces, so that he could attack the moment they stepped into the public eye. Lily had given the matter some serious thought, and as much as she hated to admit it, she and Petunia were a part of this mess now, and they would inevitably have to be a part of the solution. As she emptied Harry's flakes of salmon into his dish, Lily decided that she would announce her resolve to the Marauders when she returned to the house. After all, she didn't want them getting it in their heads that they could stay here indefinitely. Having them around for the summer was one thing—but even if they could miraculously get Bob and Theresa on board, there would be a whole new series of complications when school started up again. What would Lily's friends think if they found James Potter in her basement? She shuddered at the thought.
By the time she got back to the kitchen, everyone was just about finished eating. Feeling absolutely ravenous, Lily washed her hands and loaded up a plate of bacon and eggs. She was just sitting down at the table when Petunia and the Marauders all began to rise from their seats simultaneously, leaving Lily alone with her bacon and eggs. "Thanks for breakfast, Lulu!" Sirius called cheerfully, and Peter tipped his Tuesday Hat at her as the Marauders made for the basement door.
"Hey!" Lily snapped in indignation, not entirely sure why she felt so angry at her abandonment. They weren't exactly pleasant company, she reminded herself—and yet it had been quite nice (that one time, anyway) to sit down and have an actual conversation with the lot of them. The Marauders turned around to look at her in surprise. "I wake up at the crack of dawn to cook you all breakfast and this is the thanks I get?"
The boys sheepishly retook their seats, James and Sirius exchanging a wary glance.
"You, too, Petunia," Lily called out to her sister, who was lacing up her shoes for her morning jog. "You're not getting out of this, you know."
Petunia, who would normally have protested, just shrugged and happily perched herself on the barstool next to James, where she sat staring at him with horribly gooey admiration.
Somewhat satisfied, Lily shovelled some bacon a few forkfuls of scrambled eggs into her mouth. She was in the midst of chewing when she looked up to see all four Marauders staring at her with expressions somewhere between fearful and expectant.
Lily swallowed hard; an un-chewed morsel of bacon caught painfully in her throat. "What, do you think I'm going to yell at you or something?"
James cracked a tiny smile. "Well, sort of. I really thought you'd want us to go away and give you some space, so this is a little strange, to tell the truth."
"Indeed 'tis."
"Shut up, Pete."
Lily sighed, put down her fork, and decided to get right to the point. "Look, I've been thinking... about your situation. With Val DeMort." A shadow seemed to pass over each of the Marauders' faces at the very mention of their potential chaser. "And I think we need to come up with some sort of plan."
There was silence. Finally, James spoke up.
"... We?" He wore a look of cautious interest.
Lily pressed her lips together. "Unfortunately, Petunia and I are a part of this now, whether we like it or not," she admitted sourly. "And let's face it—you lot can't stay here forever. Mum and Dad'll be back in about a week and a half, and then what?"
"The lady makes a valid point," Peter announced, nodding sagely.
Sirius snorted. "Yeah, Wormtail, we know. We were just talking about this yesterday, remember?"
"But why can't they just stay here?" Petunia looked mildly distressed. "I'm sure we could convince Mum and Dad—"
"No." James' tone was firm, and Petunia seemed a little startled to hear him shut her down so bluntly. "We can't keep sitting on our asses and hiding from all this – it isn't going to just magically go away."
"So... what do you suggest?" Sirius asked, glancing between James and Lily with a weary look that suggested they had already been through this discussion multiple times, to no avail.
Lily swallowed a mouthful of orange juice and set down her glass with resolve. "We need to do some research," she announced. "See what we can dig up on DeMort and the way he operates. I think we should figure out how much of a threat he actually is before we make any decisions."
"I don't understand why we can't just call the police," Petunia put in, and Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes; it was so like her sister to place her faith in the hands of whatever institution was relevant to the situation in question.
"Yeah, why don't we just waltz into a police station and tell them that Valentino DeMort is out to kill us?" Sirius shot back, his tone heavily sardonic. "That ought to be a smashing success."
"I think Lily has a point," Remus cut in, clearly sensing the now all-too-familiar beginnings of a pointless Sirius-Petunia showdown. "We need to get a handle on just how bad this thing is."
"Are you kidding me?" Sirius wore an expression of incredulity. "I think we came to the conclusion long ago that it is indeed very bad."
"Apocalyptic, if you will," Peter added.
"No, they're right," James countered, raising his head to look at Lily. "Right now, we really just need to do something. And research isn't a bad place to start – actually, it's pretty logical."
For a moment, Lily was taken aback by his support. She cleared her throat. "Alright then," she announced after a long pause. "Why don't I just do up the dishes and then we can get started?"
At the mention of chores, Petunia immediately rose to her feet and began to casually sidle out of the room. Sirius, amusingly enough, had a similar reaction. "Twiggie!" he called. "DDR rematch?"
Apparently, beating Sirius at DDR again was higher up on Petunia's priority list than her morning jog, because she pulled her running shoes off instantly, eyes narrowing into a competitive glare. "You're on."
In a clamour of thundering footfalls, the two of them bolted into the sitting room.
"Does everything have to be a competition with those two?" Remus asked, directing his question at nobody in particular. He followed at a much more leisurely pace, Peter trailing behind him as usual.
"Need a hand?"
Lily glanced up and almost dropped the stack of plates she was holding when she saw James behind her. He was clutching a couple of glasses that she hadn't been able to collect up for lack of space in her arms.
"You? Help with the the washing up?" She gave a little snort. "Do you even know how?"
"Yes," James sounded slightly miffed, "believe it or not, I am quite capable of doing dishes."
Lily wondered for a moment if she had offended him. "Sorry, I just assumed you'd have servants back at your mansion to do that sort of stuff for you."
James shot her an odd look and set the glasses down on the counter. "Okay, I don't know where you're getting your information from, but I definitely do not live in a mansion."
"Sorry, your castle then," Lily corrected herself with a dramatic eye-roll, and yet he was still shaking his head. "Penthouse apartment?" she tried again. "Six-storey beach house?"
James made a face resembling a grimace, his cheeks ever so slightly pink. "Actually, it's a little bungalow in Surrey." He exhaled and made a gesture to encompass the Evans' home. "Smaller than this, even."
Despite her efforts, Lily could not hide her incredulity. "Really?" she queried as she turned on the tap and poured some dish soap into the rapidly filling sink. She pulled a tea towel out of a drawer and chucked it at James, who caught it deftly and moved beside her as she began setting dishes into the hot water.
"Yeah." His response was a bit delayed. "Money was always tight growing up. Obviously things are a lot better now, but Dad refuses to move."
"How come?" Lily asked, overtaken by genuine curiosity.
"My mum died when I was seven," he said, and Lily felt her eyes widen in surprise and sadness. "Her things are still all over the place – Dad could never bring himself to move them or get rid of them. That house... it's sort of a connection to her, I guess. Makes it difficult to let go of."
Lily wasn't sure what to say to that. She couldn't quite reconcile the sympathy she was feeling with the mental image she'd always had of the high-and-mighty James Potter. And why was he being so open with her, anyway?
"Oh," she said awkwardly. "I'm sorry. That must be hard."
"It's alright," James said, as though he'd dealt with this reaction far too many times to count. "I mean, it was years ago, so we've learned to get on quite fine. Most of my brothers and sisters don't even remember that far back."
The glass Lily was washing slipped out of her hands and into the suds, and she quickly picked it back up. "You have brothers and sisters?" she asked in surprise. "As in plural?"
James looked at her strangely as she handed him the glass to dry. "Yes, I do. Honestly, did you think I was dropped into the recording studio by a stork or something?"
Lily felt her cheeks filling with colour. "You'd be surprised what pictures some people have in their minds," she muttered, remembering the three girls in the park and their tweenish fantasies. She cleared her throat. "So how big is your family, anyway?"
"Well, Sean and I are the older ones—he's twenty—so we pretty much banded together after Mum died. He was actually doing his own music thing for a while but got bored of all that pretty quickly and went to teachers' college instead... Anyway, then there's Will, he's fifteen. Biggest troublemaker you've ever seen—almost as good as me and Sirius in our prime, I reckon. And Evie and Laurel are thirteen. They pretty much hate me right now because their friends won't stop begging them for tickets and autographs."
Lily smirked. She suspected she would get along just fine with Laurel and Evie. "Don't your sisters like your music?" she asked.
James laughed. "Are you kidding? They made their own YouTube channel just for Marauders song parodies. They're basically our biggest haters. Only, you know, we actually get along most of the time."
Laughing, Lily handed over another glass. "I had no idea you had such a big family," she admitted, considering this revelation. To be honest, James seemed to be blowing away all of her preconceptions one after another these days. Suddenly, he was just James, a regular teenage boy with brothers and sisters and a little house in Surrey, as opposed to James Potter, the arrogant rock star with a best selling album and zillions of dollars to burn. She had to admit – she liked this new James a whole lot better.
"It's a blessing and a curse," James returned, towelling off the glass and setting it on the counter, where it gleamed in the sunlight. "My siblings drive me nuts sometimes, but I miss them like mad when I'm away."
This stopped Lily in her tracks. All of a sudden, she found herself thinking about the current situation in a whole new light. "Do they... know where you are now?" she asked, voice soft.
"No." James shook his head abruptly. "Not specifically, anyway. They know we're hiding, but that's about the extent of it. Telling them would only put them at risk."
Silence. There was a muffled sound of dishes clinking underwater as Lily pulled out a plate and began to scrub. "... I'm sorry," she finally said.
James met her eyes. "Nothing to be sorry for," he returned. "It's our own fault." He let out a deep breath full of resentment. "Sometimes, though, I wonder how the hell we got ourselves into this mess."
Lily held out the last plate, pulling the plug and listening to the water gurgle out of the sink and down the drainpipe. "Well, you're going to get out of it eventually," she told him.
Half-smiling, James took the plate from her hands. "I hope so."
They put away the dishes mostly in silence, with Lily pausing on several instances to show James where certain things went. It was amazing what a difference it made having help – in under ten minutes, everything was clean and put away.
Lily turned to face James. "Well... thanks for your help."
"No problem." He stuck his hands into his pockets. "It's the least I could do, really. I know we haven't said it much, but we really do appreciate everything you're doing for us here."
Whatever comment sprung to Lily's mind concerning the soap-opera-esque quality of this statement was quickly washed away by the genuineness with which it was said. She raised her eyebrows a notch and opened her mouth to say something, but the words got all jumbled up on the way out and she snapped her jaw shut. She had no idea how to address this new—and incredibly baffling—side of James Potter, and so she shifted her gaze away from him and cleared her throat. "Well, like I said, you won't be stuck in our basement forever. Everything will be back to normal before you know it."
With that, Lily turned awkwardly and led the way into the living room, where a rapid techno beat and the sound of feet stomping on plastic mats greeted her ears. Petunia and Sirius were in the middle of an intense showdown, bodies moving like wildfire as they as they danced to the bass-dominated rhythm. Both wore looks of concentration so intense that they were almost maniacal. It was quite a scene to walk in on, and Lily and James exchanged a fleeting glance of quiet amusement.
Not a moment later, the music came to an abrupt stop and there was a loud cry of anguish as Sirius fell to his knees in frustration. "Fuck!" he yelled, raking his hands through his hair. Beside him, Petunia was doing a passionate sort of victory dance.
"What's that now? Five to me?" she asked in a would-be-casual tone, staring down at him with fiendish eyes.
Sirius let out a noise of extreme annoyance, rising to his feet. "This game is rigged," he spat. "Come on, one more!"
"You know I'm going to beat you again," Petunia threw back, crossing her arms. "Why can't you just admit that I'm better?"
Sirius' eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Because you're not!"
"Guys!" James jumped in, eyeing them with a mixture of amusement and exasperation. "It's just a game."
Sirius was flailing his arms wildly. "You don't understand, mate, it's the most frustrating piece of crap in the universe!"
"Then stop playing." James stated the obvious, looking at him blankly.
Vehemently, Sirius shook his head. "No, I have to win." With that, he stomped on his controller a few times, selecting a new song in less than a second. "Time for round two," he muttered, sounding slightly psychotic.
"Round six," Petunia corrected as the strains of a new tune began to pour out of the speakers. "I guess counting isn't exactly one of your strong suits either, is it?"
This seemed to send Sirius right off the deep end. With a snarl, he began attacking the mat so hard that Lily was sure it was going to catch fire – or explode.
"I already told you, Black! If you break it, you're buying me a new one!" Petunia shouted over the music.
If anything, this only seemed to make his footfalls even harsher; the entire house was practically shaking.
Lily and James exchanged another look, only this time, it was one of wide-eyed alarm.
"Disturbing, isn't it?" Remus commented from where he sat on the couch with his arms crossed.
Lily coughed disbelievingly. "That's putting it mildly."
Unfortunately for Sirius, despite his deranged dancing skills, Petunia's score was still slightly higher as the song came to a close.
"What? No! How?" The dark-haired boy burst out, holding his head in aggravation.
Petunia smirked. She looked calm and composed by comparison. "I'm just better, that's how."
"Rematch!" Sirius demanded, making to select a new song.
Lily couldn't take it anymore. In a few short strides, she propelled herself forward and yanked the power cable out of the wall. The screen fizzled to black. "That's enough!" she exclaimed, staring at the two of them in disbelief.
"Thank you," Remus muttered from the couch.
"I think we have bigger issues than DDR to worry about right now," Lily continued scathingly, the cord still dangling from her hands. "Valentino DeMort ring any bells?"
"Yeah, yeah," Sirius drawled. He seemed distracted, glaring daggers at Petunia.
"Guys, where's Pete?" James asked, his tone suggesting that he had only just realized the boy's absence.
Remus frowned. "Oh yeah, he left as soon as I got in here – like ten minutes ago. I thought he was going back to see you guys."
"He wasn't in the kitchen," Lily said. "We thought he was with you."
At precisely that moment, the boy in question waltzed into the sitting room, pausing momentarily to readjust his Tuesday Hat before flopping onto the sofa. Peter was painfully oblivious to the five sets of questioning eyes that were on him. He stared out the window for a while, eyes bunched up in something resembling concentration, and then began humming a jaunty little tune under his breath.
"Uh, Pete?" James finally broke the uncomfortable staring session. "Where were you?"
Peter looked mildly startled. "Oh, bathroom," he replied. "I... couldn't figure out how to flush the toilet."
The awkward atmosphere that was left in the wake of this statement was broken very suddenly when the phone rang.
Lily and Petunia exchanged a look of alarm.
"Great, that's probably Mum and Dad," Lily murmured under her breath. As the phone continued to ring, she felt a mild panic spreading through her veins. "Okay, cleaning then cookies, right?" she demanded of Petunia.
Petunia looked confused. "Wasn't it cookies then cleaning?"
"It doesn't matter – just pick one!"
"What the bloody hell are you two on about?" Sirius looked between the two of them as though they were speaking another language.
The phone rang again, and Lily let out a sound of desperation. "Okay, everyone shut up!" she cried. Barely pausing to take a breath, she raced into the kitchen and lunged for the cordless.
"Hello?"
"Hi... Petunia?" Teresa's voice had a hint of uncertainty in it.
Lily couldn't help but bristle slightly at being mistaken for her sister. "No, Mum, it's Lily."
"Oh, sorry Lily. You girls sound so similar these days. How are you?"
"Fine. I'm feeling much better today," she responded with forced cheerfulness, adding: "Petunia and I baked cookies."
Her mother let out a strange sort of sigh. "That sounds lovely."
"How are things with you and Dad?" Lily asked, brushing off a niggling sense of unease about her mother's tone of voice.
"Oh, fine," Teresa replied, and then sighed again. "Your father's out fishing right now. We're missing you girls something terrible – the cottage just isn't the same without you here."
Lily didn't have time to wonder about her mother's tone this time, however, because she was distracted by an odd discord of noises coming from the sitting room. Mouth twisting into a suspicious frown, she moved around the corner and glanced in.
What she saw made her wonder if her eyes were deceiving her.
Sirius and Petunia were having an intense sword fight with what looked like ballpoint pens while Peter sat on the coffee table, commentating in a tragically bad American accent.
"Are you mental? Cut it out!" Lily hissed angrily, holding the phone to her chest.
The duellers lowered their weapons, and Peter's voice trailed off. James and Remus sat side by side on the couch, looking resigned to the chaos.
"Lily? Are you still there?" Teresa's voice projected faintly from the earpiece.
Lily fumbled to shove the phone back up against her ear. "Sorry Mum. Phone must've cut out. Er... what were you saying?"
"Just that I miss you girls."
"Miss you, too, Mum," Lily replied distractedly. Sirius and Petunia had begun faintly clicking their pens against one another again. "Shut up!"
"Excuse me?"
"No, not you. Just.. Petunia. You know, being annoying," Lily rambled, sending her sister a death glare. Petunia responded in kind.
"Now, Lily, I hope you two are making an effort to get along while we're away," Teresa scolded, and Lily had a perfect visual of the rebuking face that her mother was without a doubt currently wearing.
She clenched her fists. "Yes, Mum."
"Would you mind if I spoke with your sister, dear?"
"Not at all," Lily responded dully.
"Love you, sweetie."
Lily sighed. "Love you, too." She removed the phone from her ear and held it out sharply. "Petunia. Phone," she snapped.
With a snotty expression, Petunia snatched the device rudely from her hands and sashayed into the kitchen, a loud "Hi, Mummy!" trailing in her wake.
As she listened to the echo of Petunia's voice from the other room, Lily leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed and an irritated expression stamped across her features. She must have looked quite frightening, because the Marauders remained deathly silent this time round, Sirius' pen laying abandoned on the coffee table. James caught Lily's eye once, raising his eyebrows slightly in recognition, before resuming his blank stare at the wallpaper.
Finally, after subjecting them all to a long, gushing conversation ranging from nail polish to the new issue of Marie Claire, Petunia hung up the phone and reappeared in the sitting room.
"Well, that went well," she chirped.
Lily made a face that conveyed her desire to strangle her. "That was almost a complete disaster, you idiot!"
"What are you talking about? Mum didn't suspect a thing."
"Oh, really?" Lily snarled. "Well, next time you feel like acting like a complete moron with Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber over there," she jerked a thumb towards Sirius and Peter, "please try and restrain yourself."
While Sirius looked affronted, Peter raised his hand. "Wait, am I Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dumber?"
"Why do you always have to make such a big deal out of everything?" Petunia threw back, ignoring Peter. "It's over now, alright? Nothing happened."
Lily wanted to fight back – she really did – but suddenly, she just didn't seem to have the energy left inside of her. She let out a breath, willing all of the anger to ebb out along with the carbon dioxide. Surprisingly, it seemed to work. "Fine," she said curtly. "Why don't we get started on our research?"
"Good idea," James agreed, looking relieved that the fighting had come to an end.
As always, his enthusiasm was immediately copied by Petunia. "I'll go get Dudley!" she announced. There was a light pounding noise as she ran up the stairs.
"Who's Dudley?" Sirius asked, looking confused.
Lily didn't have a chance to respond before her sister was back on the staircase, this time descending at a painfully slow rate, as though every footstep was being carefully calculated in her head. Held in her hands like some sort of precious artifact was a hot pink laptop that was covered in fluffy trim.
Dudley. He was Petunia's pride and joy – she had added the embellishments herself one afternoon in a slightly frightening session involving a hot glue gun and an old feather boa. Apparently, she'd been going for a 'baby angel' theme. Lily thought the end result was more reminiscent of a pig in a wig.
"You... named your laptop?" Sirius gaped at the pink device. "Dudley?"
"Yes," Petunia replied casually; she didn't seem to have caught the mocking intonation in his words. As she set the bundle of fluff down onto the table, James and Remus exchanged looks of vague amusement.
Lily, on the other hand, watched the scenario in complete disinterest. After all, there were more important things to worry about at present than Petunia's unusual habit of naming inanimate, fuzz-covered objects. In the name of productivity, she began to drag chairs around to the end of the table so that they could all have a decent view of the screen.
That is, until she was interrupted by a loud, "Allow me, Milady!" and turned to find Peter pulling a chair forward gallantly and gesturing for her to sit. There was a strange moment where Lily glanced from the lime-green disaster that was his Tuesday Hat to Petunia, who was petting Dudley fondly, and felt her heart sink a little. She was surrounded by lunatics.
"Er, thanks," she muttered, gingerly taking a seat.
Peter offered a bow in response, and a moment later, the six of them were arranged in a semi-circle around Dudley, with Petunia at the controls. Remus, Lily and Peter were sitting down while Sirius and James stood at the rear, hands resting on the chair backs in front of them.
Sirius let out a loud snort when Petunia's desktop background loaded, and Lily couldn't blame him – it was an artsy, black and white shot of James with the word 'Believe' superimposed in cursive writing across the bottom. Unable to stop herself, Lily stole a look back at the subject himself and was pleased to see that he looked quite uncomfortable. Petunia, predictably, did not seem embarrassed in the slightest – rather, she looked happy to show her idol just how far her loyalty extended.
The more Sirius stared at the photograph, the funnier he seemed to find it. "Believe," he choked, the intended overly dramatic edge completely lost in his amusement. He dropped a hand onto his messy-haired friend's shoulder and sniffed, pretending to be overcome by emotion. "James, I'm so inspired by you right now."
Petunia somehow managed to glare at Sirius while simultaneously sending hopeful, flirty glances in James' direction; the resulting expression looked completely demented.
James, on the other hand, simply looked chagrined. "Shut up, Padfoot."
"Can we get to the point?" Lily cut in. "Petunia, open up the internet."
"Don't tell me what to do, Lily," her sister snapped back. Then, she waited about thirty seconds, watching Lily drum her fingers against the table in irritation, before she finally clicked on the Internet Explorer icon. It was such a petty, Petunia-ish thing to do that Lily wanted to kick her.
When the browser window popped up, they were slapped with another glaring symptom of Petunia's out-of-control obsession. Her home page was set to 'Marauderland', a black and red themed sitewhich boasted the words 'Number 1 Marauder fansite on the net!" in obnoxiously bold text across the top. Underneath this, there was a banner similar in dramatic impact to the Believe image, only this time it featured all four boys in various intense, brooding poses. Lily gagged a little internally.
In what was probably a force of habit, Petunia began idly scrolling through the comments section. Part of Lily wanted to tell her to quit it and get back on track, but her curiosity got the better of her and soon enough, she was reading them too. What she saw was mildly frightening.
Comment from: marauderette4life
james isn't answering any of my messages on facebook. i'm worried. JAMES IF YOU'RE READING THIS I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOO mUCH!
Comment from: moonysgirl
oh my gosh you guys, i just ate a mars bar and then I remembered that remus loves chocolate and i just started crying. :'( i'm sooooo depressed right now. where are they?
Reply from: cutiechick97
OMG I KNOW! i had to stay home from school today because i was dipressed. :( :( :(
Comment from: EbonyPotter
just found this picture from last year's summer tour and it made me sad. i want my boys back!
(Here, there was a photo of James and Sirius, both looking sweaty and windswept but completely joyful, with their arms slung around a round-faced girl who was squinting into the sun. Sirius' tongue was out and his hand formed a loose rock on sign, while James was holding his water bottle up in the air for some reason, causing his black t-shirt to rise and reveal a good portion of a stomach that would make an actual washboard feel fat.)
Reply from: siriuslyinlove
omg you met them? i am uber jealous, girlie! lol, only sirius can pull off that face and still look ridiculously hot -swoon-
Reply from: potterishotter
two words guys: James' abs.
Reply from: marauderette4life
drool... he is so sexy
Lily let out an involuntary snort at this comment. However she very determinedly did not chance a look around at James, lest he think she was trying to glimpse those muscles herself. This proved to be much harder work than it should have been.
Comment from: xmischief_totally_managedx
siriusly u guys, WHERE R THEY? i no it hasnt been that long but im worried. wut if their dead or sumthing?
Reply from: cutiechick97
NONOOOOOOOOO don't say that! if they died i think i would die to. OMGGG...
Reply from: sparkle08
Well i know where James is... He secretly ran away to marry me and we're on our honeymoon now. sorry guys.
RE: Reply from: potterishotter
gtfo you dumb bitch, this isn't a joke.
Reply from: iloveMWPP
oh my gosh, you're gonna make me cry :(
Reply from: marauderette4life
why did it have to be them? take justin bieber for pettigrew's sake but not our Marauders!
RE: Reply from: princesslupinlover
HELL YES!
RE: RE: Reply from:itskelsyall
hey i like justin bieber...
RE: RE: RE: Reply from: siriuslyinlove
TRAITOR!
RE: RE: RE: Reply from: blacksoul243
kill her
"Okay, enough," Lily said loudly. While Petunia was transfixed by the messages, emoting accordingly as she read each one—sighing, nodding in agreement, turning to flutter her eyelashes at James, snorting indignantly—the Marauders' faces had morphed gradually from perplexed to amused, and from there to moderately uncomfortable. Lily wore a look of utmost revulsion; reading through these comments gave her the feeling of injecting her brain with an overdose of stupid. "Can we get on with it? This is hardly helping."
Petunia stuck her chin out and said calmly, "Of course it is, Lily. This is how the Marauderettes show their appreciation for their favourite boys." She sniffed. "It's very touching, and I'm sure James would agree." She whipped around to flash him a dazzling smile.
"Er, Marauderettes?" said James, looking slightly frightened.
"Your fans, silly!" said Petunia. "It's what we call ourselves. I personally voted for Supermarauderoholics, but others weren't so keen on that one."
"I wonder why," Lily deadpanned, but Petunia ignored her.
"So what is this website, anyway?" Remus asked, warily eying the overdramatic formatting.
Miraculously, Petunia tore her eyes away from James in order to begin her explanation. She scrolled up to the top of the page. "This is Marauderland," she said proudly. "It's where Marauderettes from all over the world share their stories of love, hope, and inspiration."
"Yeah, 'kill her' is real inspirational," Sirius muttered.
Lily, with her eyes closed and two fingers pinching the bridge of her nose, decided to clarify. "It's a site for unhealthily obsessed tweens to talk about how hot you are." She couldn't see her sister's resulting glare, but she felt it pierce through her like a thousand daggers.
"Actually," Petunia said, "it's a place to share the Marauder-love. I've been a member since day one. We've been hoping you guys would find it, so you could read our messages and all..." A somewhat manic smile crept up slowly on her face. "And now you have. The admins are gonna love me."
"Except that if you tell them, we're as good as dead," James reminded her gravely.
Petunia's complexion reddened a little. "Of course," she said, though it didn't sound as though this had occurred to her. "But are you sure I couldn't just—"
"Petunia," Lily snapped, "this is not what we came on here to do. Just open up a search engine, for heavens' sakes."
"I'll do it when I'm good and ready, thank you," Petunia shot back. Not a moment later, however, she seemed to realize how awkward and pointless the whole display was and grudgingly brought up Google. "Right, so... what am I looking up?"
There was a moment of silence. What were they looking for, exactly? There was so much that they needed to figure out that it was difficult to know where to start. Eventually, Lily uncrossed her arms and leaned forward. "Why don't we look up Val in the news?" she suggested. "We need to find out where he is and what he's doing."
Petunia complied, and a millisecond later, a page of articles popped up on the screen. Blindly clicking on the first heading, she brought them to a news story entitled 'DeMort Disappears from Public Eye'.
'After the disastrous opening of his new London megastore, prominent multimillionaire Valentino DeMort has been flying under the radar. The Russian tycoon was last seen at the heavily publicized event, which rock sensations The Marauders famously failed to attend (see article). Sources close to DeMort remain silent about his location, but his London penthouse has reportedly been empty for over a week. All things considered, it would seem that he's taken a leaf out of The Marauders' books and pulled a disappearing act. Are these two bizarre flights from the spotlight connected? Only time will tell.'
"Great," Lily ground out. "That's a fat lot of help."
"Why would Val go into hiding, too?" Petunia asked, scrunching her nose in confusion.
"I dunno, but I've got a bad feeling about all this," Sirius responded.
Remus grimaced. "Me, too."
Peter, meanwhile, was tugging at the sleeves of his sweater anxiously.
"Maybe one of the other articles would be more helpful?" James suggested.
As though her only purpose in life was to obey his every command, Petunia immediately backtracked to the search results. The rest of the stories, however, all seemed to be more or less rehashed versions of the exact same thing; apparently, no one knew where Valentino DeMort was.
"Well, that's just fantastic," Sirius said.
Remus looked frustrated. "If only we had some way to track him down."
"Think," Lily ordered the Marauders. "Do you have any idea what his plans were before you left?"
There was a moment where the four boys looked at one another, eyebrows twitching as though silently trying to decide whether or not to share whatever they were all thinking of. Finally, they seemed to reach a decision in their little mute conversation, and Remus sighed.
"The tour," he said.
"Wait, what tour?" Petunia demanded, looking between the Marauders inquisitively. "There were no tour dates on your website. I check it every day."
"That's because it hadn't been announced yet," James explained. "I guess we didn't exactly tell you everything the other night. See, the London concert was meant to be the first show of the bunch, and then we were going to announce the rest. A summer tour of every Val-Mart in the country."
Lily made a face. "You were going to be spending your summer playing at Val-Marts?" she choked. "Talk about lame concert venues."
"Didn't exactly have a choice, did we, Lulu?" Sirius threw back.
"The tour'll be cancelled now, anyway," Remus pointed out. "So that doesn't help us find Val."
Lily let out a frustrated breath. "I wish we had some sort of Val DeMort locating device," she said. "Or at least someone who knew how to track people down."
"Well, I don't know of any computer-hacking supergeeks," Sirius said dully, "do you?"
"No," Petunia responded at exactly the same time as Lily said, "Actually..."
All heads turned to the latter. "You know someone who could help us?" James asked.
Petunia, clearly upset that the spotlight had shifted, butted in before Lily could say a word. "I don't see why we need some four-eyed loser to help us when I'm perfectly capable of solving this on my own." In a desperate attempt to prove herself, she rapidly backtracked to Google and typed in "Valentino DeMort's supersecret webpage thingy," backspacing several times to correct her spelling.
The others ignored her, turning their focus back to Lily. "So?"
"Vernon Dursley," she said, eliciting a disgruntled noise from Petunia. "The boy who brought jam for Petunia—he lives across the street. From what I know, he's got some pretty wild skills. He hacked Petunia's Facebook last year and changed their status to 'In a Relationship.'"
Petunia looked as though she'd sat on a toad, while Sirius let out a sharp laugh and said, "When can I meet this bloke?"
Lily thought about this for a moment. "Well, we still can't let him know you're here, so you lot will have to hide in the basement." The Marauders nodded. "But we should be able to bring him over straightaway, since he, er, never really goes out anywhere."
"Excellent," said James, giving Lily a smile so genuine that her insides tingled a little. "We'll be downstairs, then."
The Marauders headed for the basement door, and Petunia made to follow them.
"Whoa, hold on," said Lily, snatching a fistful of her sister's silk blouse. "You're not getting away with that again."
Petunia pouted. "Why do I have to be up here?"
"Because," Lily said, steering her toward the front door. "You know as well as I do that he'll only come over if you're the one who invites him." She shoved her feet into a pair of flats and yanked the door open with her free hand.
Petunia seemed to be torn between struggling against her sister's hold and keeping her blouse from being ruined. "Lily," she whined. "You know I can't stand him."
"But think of how happy James will be when we make some headway with our research," Lily replied, figuring playing the James card was the only way to go at this stage.
It worked. "Oh, fine," Petunia sighed, yanking her blouse out of Lily's grasp and slipping her feet into a pair of pink sandals.
The two of them crossed the quiet road at a fairly quick pace, heading for the white clapboard home that stood directly across from their own. It was a place that had been a large part of both girls' childhood; Lily could recall spending many a summer afternoon making chalk masterpieces on the driveway or playing in Vernon's treehouse out back. Of course, those had been the days before the whole stalker obsession phase had begun, and before Vern had decided that his computer had a lot more to offer in the way of entertainment than his backyard. Lily could not remember the last time she and Petunia had made the journey across the street to knock on his door together. It was strangely nostalgic.
When they arrived on the cheerful front porch, there was silent squabble over who would ring the doorbell. Petunia kept hiding behind Lily, who eventually gave in and jammed her finger against the button with much more force than was necessary. While they waited, she looked around. A lot had changed since the the last time she'd been there, but some things were the same as ever. The smiley-face flowerpot that Vernon had painted in primary school was still sitting on the railing, although it was much more sun-worn than she remembered. Petunia, who had been in Vernon's class that year, had an identical one that was currently on the windowsill in their parents' bedroom. Lily had been so jealous the day they had emerged from school carrying the colourful works of art while she trailed along behind, pigtails coming unravelled as she tried to keep up with them.
"Well, I guess nobody's home." Petunia broke Lily's train of thought with her chipper outburst. She turned sharply and began marching down the stairs, but Lily caught her by her collar again.
"Nice try, Petunia, but you know Vern," she said. "He's probably just got his headphones in." She pushed the doorbell again, several times in a row.
There was a slight creak, and then the muffled sound of someone coming down the stairs, and Lily smirked in satisfaction. Petunia cringed away from the door in terror.
It opened a crack, and a suspicious, bespectacled eye peered out from the darkness.
"Hi, Vern! Look who came to see you!" Lily exclaimed, pulling Petunia by her sleeve and shoving her in front of the door.
Immediately, the eye widened and the door flew open all the way, revealing the rest of Vernon's body. He was pawing his hair down in an attempt to flatten it while simultaneously trying to smooth invisible creases in his Darth Vader t-shirt. "Petunia... hi," he exclaimed breathlessly. "I wasn't expecting... I mean, this is a surprise."
Grimacing, Petunia gave a half-hearted wave.
Lily decided to get straight to the point. "We actually came to ask a favour," she admitted. "How good are you at tracking IP addresses?"
Vernon's eyes narrowed to slits. "Why?" he asked suspiciously.
"We just need to know where someone is right now. It's... er... kind of desperate," Lily replied.
"Who?"
Lily bit her lip. Oh, what the hell? "Valentino DeMort," she whispered.
"Valen – " Vernon began loudly, but Lily shoved a hand against his mouth.
"Don't say his name," she hissed as Vernon slapped her hand away in disgust. "Listen, it's a secret. We can't say too much, but it's very important."
Vernon simply looked irritated. "I can't just go poking into people's business, Lily. It's wrong. I have to use my powers for good, not evil." He sounded like some sort of wannabe superhero, and Lily had a strong urge to roll her eyes. Instead, she elbowed Petunia in the ribs. Hard.
"Please, Vernon," her sister choked out, sounding slightly winded. The effect was brilliant – if you ignored the death glare she was sending in Lily's direction, it almost sounded like a tearful plea for help.
The change in Vernon's demeanour was instant. His eyes went all gooey and he leaned a hand up against the door frame in a move that might have been an attempt to look cool, but more likely served the purpose of supporting his suddenly wobbly legs. "Alright, Petunia," he breathed. "Whatever you want."
Quirking an eyebrow, Petunia looked rather pleased at this power she held over him. "Okay, come with us. I'll let you use Dudley," she announced, skipping off across the street.
Vernon stared at her retreating figure for several seconds too long, and Lily was forced to snap her fingers in front of his face. When he failed to respond to this, she grabbed him by his t-shirt and frogmarched him down the steps determinedly. "Come on, Vern," she said in exasperation. "Let's go."
After Vernon had been put through the customary process of washing, sanitizing, and heavily perfuming his hands, Petunia let him install himself in front of the precious Dudley. While he worked his magic on the main floor, Lily and Petunia joined the Marauders in the basement to discuss further tactics.
"Hi, James!" Petunia exclaimed the moment she descended the final steps.
James adopted the fearful expression he wore so often around Petunia (Lily thought she might even have to name this new emotion: petunified) while Lily shushed her sister fiercely.
"You idiot, keep your voice down!" she hissed. "Do you want Vern to find out we've got the four most wanted boys in Britain down here?"
"Yes," said Petunia.
Lily rolled her eyes and turned to the Marauders. "Alright, Vern's all set up and he's going to find out what he can. Is there anything else we can do while we're waiting?"
"Pete had a thought," James said, gesturing at his hat-clad band mate.
"Indeedy-doo," said Peter, tipping the hat toward the girls.
"And?" Lily urged.
"It's a good one," said Peter smugly. "See, back in the day—"
"He means when we were homeschooling in a trailer on one of our music video shoots," James clarified.
"—I was top of the class—"
"Best of four people."
"—in one particular subject, dealing with legal matters."
Lily was genuinely impressed, as she could not imagine it, looking at the boy with his lime green cap and ridiculous mannerisms. "Wow, really?"
"You'd best believe it, Milady."
"Yeah, okay, I do. But what's the point?"
"There was this one word in the textbook: precedent."
"So?" Lily was beginning to wonder—if remembering one word from the textbook got him top of the class, just how bad had the others been?
"I believe we should treat this matter as a court case," Peter said, sniffing all pompously. "We might do well to look into similar instances and see how Valentino DeMort responded to these. This way, we may find out what punishment he plans to execute on us. All bow to the Legal Genius, please." He took off his Tuesday Hat and held it out triumphantly, but his horrifying hat-hair lessened the effect by a thousand percent.
Lily thought for a moment, trying to translate Peter's words into Earth speak. "That was possibly the most ludicrous answer I've ever heard," she said, "but you know, he actually has a point."
"Story of his life, I reckon," Sirius commented.
Petunia still looked slightly confused. "So what you're saying is that... we should find out what Val's done to others in similar situations?"
"Precisely." Peter nodded.
At this, Lily had a thought. It was something that may have vaguely crossed her mind before, but only now was she seeing it as something of importance.
"I have something you guys might want to see," she announced.
"No stripping, Lulu, please."
"Shut your face, Black. You're disgusting." Lily shot him a look of revulsion. "I did an extra credit assignment last year about Val DeMort. Mostly argumentative type stuff, but I did have to collect a bunch of newspaper articles for it. It's not much, but it might give us somewhere to start," she clarified.
"Sounds good to me." James lifted his shoulders approvingly. "Do you have a copy handy?"
Lily nodded. "Upstairs."
It took her less than a minute to sprint up the two flights of stairs and retrieve the document from her desk drawer. She was forced to pass by Vernon twice, but he didn't seem to notice her in the slightest. He was hunched over, eyes a few inches from Dudley's screen as his fingers moved at about a mile a minute over the keys. Lily figured she might as well just leave him to it.
"Right," she said breathlessly once she was back in the safety of the basement. "Here it is." She dropped the folder onto the worn coffee table and took a seat on the sofa. The others gathered around in a disorganized fashion as she flipped open the cover.
"Wow, that's a lot of paper," Sirius commented, looking slightly put out.
Lily began flicking through the mound of writing. "Most of that's essay stuff – not really important. I'm looking for... oh, here it is." She pulled out a little bundle of news articles, held together in the corner with a staple. "I never really read through these properly," she admitted. "I kind of did this whole assignment at the last minute."
"Tut tut," Peter interjected unhelpfully.
"Here, everyone take a couple," Lily began handing out the clippings. "Read them and let everyone know if you find anything relevant." She paused before passing Sirius his share. "You can read, right?"
"Oh, Lulu, you make me laugh," Sirius responded, snatching the articles from her.
There were several minutes of complete silence as the six of them pored over the news clippings. Lily's turned out to be completely useless – one was an announcement from last year that Val would be opening a new store in Leeds, and the other rattled on about Val-Mart shares and the stock market and featured a lot of figures that made Lily's brain hurt.
"Anyone find anything?" she asked, glancing up from her own articles and looking around at the others expectantly.
A chorus of head-shakes ensued.
"No offense, Lulu, but there's nothing here that we don't already know," Sirius said, dropping his papers back onto the coffee table.
For some reason, this comment stung a little, and Lily couldn't stop a slight feeling of embarrassment from rising within her. "Well, it was worth a try," she muttered.
"Petunia?" a loud shout suddenly came from upstairs, and everyone fell silent.
Lily looked at her sister, widening her eyes in a what-are-you-waiting-for? sort of gesture. Petunia grimaced, folded and sank back further into the couch, and so Lily was forced to drag her along once again.
When the two of them reached the top of the stairs, Vernon was waiting with a sheet of paper in his hands. He readjusted his spectacles with one finger and angled the paper toward the girls.
"This was no picnic in the park, let me tell you, but my skills are infallible," Vernon bragged, puffing his chest out. "It would appear Mr. DeMort is, well, playing a rather elaborate game of hide-and-seek, if you will." He paused as though he expected laughter, but received no such response.
"But you found him, right?" Lily said impatiently.
The left side of Vern's body twitched a little at her tone of voice, but besides that there was no other indication he had heard her. He handed the paper over to Petunia, who was reluctant to take it but snatched it up hurriedly when Lily stomped on her foot.
"Petunia, dear, these are the addresses that Mr. DeMort's communications seem to have been coming from over the past week." He peered over the top of the paper, putting his face just a little too close to hers, and pointed to the first line. "I've organized the data in a grid and colour-coded locations similar in nature, so whatever you're looking for, you shouldn't have any problem. And, well, if you need any more assistance... I'd be, er, glad to provide it." He gave a nervous laugh and slicked back his hair with one hand.
"Thank you, Vern, that's great," Lily said, but Vernon was still awaiting Petunia's response. His eyes shifted timidly between her face and the floor, and beads of sweat were beginning to form on his brow.
Petunia, however, was determinedly avoiding his gaze. Her nose was all wrinkled up in disgust and her rigid fingers were crumpling the edges of Vernon's datasheet.
"Don't you have something to say, Petunia?" Lily prodded.
"No," grunted her sister.
Lily made to crush her foot again; Petunia yelped and jumped sideways. "Thanks, Vern," she said grudgingly, not even looking at him.
Vernon seemed pleased with this all the same. He bowed deeply to Petunia and waltzed giddily out the door; he didn't even need a Tuesday Hat to act like a complete idiot.
Back in the basement, Petunia reverently handed the paper to James, who set it down on the coffee table for all to see. The Marauders gathered around to pore over it.
"Any addresses you recognize?" Lily asked.
"Yeah," said James. He followed the list with his index finger. "That's the new ValMart, I think. That one's our manager's flat. There's Jackie's, the coffee shop we used to hang out in. That's a bowling alley, who knows what he was doing there. And that's..."
"Horcruxes?" Sirius said incredulously, and then laughed. "Good God, DeMort, that's just kinky."
James continued down the list, skimming over the addresses until he reached the bottom—at which point his finger went limp and he blanched.
"What?" Petunia squeaked. "Are you okay, James?"
James shared a look with Sirius, who seemed to have recognized the address not a second after his best mate. The two of them looked so fearful that Lily found her heart pounding as she turned the paper around to read it. The final address read 16 Appleby Court, Redhill, Surrey. With one glance at James' terrified expression, she remembered their conversation at the kitchen sink and an icy cold sensation spread through her chest: "Actually, it's a little bungalow in Surrey."
"He wouldn't dare," Sirius said through gritted teeth, staring angrily at the paper. He put a firm hand on James' shoulder; "Don't worry, mate, they'll be alright."
James' voice was tight when he answered. "Yeah, fucking Valentino DeMort showed up on their doorstep. I'm sure they're just fine."
"Worst case scenario, he'd have questioned them," Remus said calmly. "I think it's a little early in the game for anything more extreme than that."
James wasn't convinced. His fists were clenched on the table and his haunted eyes stared vacantly at the wall.
"You can give them a call if you like," Lily said quietly.
At this suggestion, Remus shook his head and jabbed a finger at the date on the last line. "Val was there last night. Even if we do risk making contact with James' family, it's probably best to wait a bit longer, in case he's still in the area."
James nodded, still focused on the wall.
"Tomorrow would probably be alright, though," Lily said. "I mean, it's your call, but it looks like DeMort's moving pretty fast."
"Yeah, thanks," he responded, and then clenched his jaw. "Sorry, but I think I just... need to be alone for a few minutes."
Sirius squeezed his shoulder and then stood up, and everyone wordlessly followed suit.
As she climbed the staircase, Lily chanced one last look back at James, and felt her heart drop at the sight of his slumped figure. His head was buried in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees, and it was in that moment that the sense of watching everything from the protective bubble of a nightmare washed away for Lily, replaced by the dreaded knowledge that this was all very, very real. For the first time, she began to truly wonder just what she and Petunia had gotten themselves into.
And even as stepped out from the clammy basement air and into the summery heat of the kitchen, she felt a chill pass through her entire being.
Sometime after midnight, Lily woke to moonlight streaming in through her window, a powerful thirst in her throat, and a heavy weight pressing upon her lungs. It only took one bleary-eyed glance to see that Harry was sleeping soundly across her chest, curled up in a tight ball and looking quite comfortable.
"Nnnggh," she groaned nonsensically, the word sticking on her dry tongue as she drowsily attempted to shove him off. Harry lifted his head and made vague attempts to maintain his hold with his claws, but eventually fell sideways onto the mattress. He stretched out, looking disgruntled, and dropped to the floor gracefully, shooting out into the hallway. Still only half-alert, Lily smiled to herself and curled up on her side, preparing to return fully to sleep.
The darkness behind her eyelids gave way to a world of whimsical colour and she was on a boat that was floating over a sea of chocolate milk. Loud laughter rose up from the strains of muted conversation behind her, and she turned. The Marauders and Petunia, all dressed in matching Hawaiian shirts, were sitting around a table and sipping from glasses of the chocolatey liquid. For some reason, they were all wearing Tuesday Hats.
"Firecracker!" called James. "Have some, it's delicious!" He took a sip from his elaborate straw and grinned widely.
All of a sudden, Lily became aware of the intense thirst that seemed to be spreading through her entire body. She lunged for an empty glass that was sitting on the deck beside her and sprinted to the edge of the boat, leaning over the rail. All that delicious looking chocolate milk was sloshing about, twinkling in the sun, and she reached down hungrily.
It was just out of her grasp.
"I can't reach it!" she told the others, her voice panic-stricken. The dehydration was overwhelming, setting her throat ablaze.
Unfortunately, the Tuesday Hat wearers did not seem to be able to hear her; they were having an animated conversation about tricycles.
"Guys!" Lily yelled, trying in vain to get their attention. She could feel her throat closing up, and a desperation kicked in. Several times, James met her eyes, and it was as though he could almost hear her, but then he would turn away again. The others were completely oblivious.
"Twiggie, DDR rematch!" Sirius yelled abruptly, and then the two of them were jumping on the table, smashing glasses and causing the entire ship to rock.
Lily knew the end was near. There was a tightness in her throat and a pounding ache in her head, and the chocolate milk seemed to be getting further and further away from her desperate hand. Resigned to her fate, she felt herself slip over the ship's rails.
She sunk into the chocolate milk headfirst, but it was no longer a liquid. It had grown more viscous, like wet cement, and Lily felt as though she was moving in slow motion as she attempted to get to the surface. It was pressing down on her. She couldn't breathe. And she was so, so thirsty. This was it, she was going to die...
With a loud intake of breath, she opened her eyes. The relief that washed over her in that moment was immense. The boat, the chocolate milk, the Tuesday hats – everything had vanished, replaced by the familiar angles of her darkened bedroom. The only thing that remained was the horrible thirst, which seemed to plague her throat with renewed vigour.
With a groan, Lily pushed herself up and rubbed her eyes. She was going to have to get something to drink if she wanted to avoid a repeat incident, and so she stumbled out of bed, blearily following the familiar path down to the kitchen.
When she flicked on the light, her heart gave an unpleasant start. Remus sat in a chair by the window, his form creating a sinister scene; his lanky body was hunched over, his eyes sunken, and his pale skin glazed with a sickly layer of sweat. Lily blinked against the bright light; when her vision adjusted, she saw that Remus was looking right back at her with his features set in a perfect deer-in-the-headlights expression.
He was also injecting himself.
The syringe was poised half an inch from his stomach, filled with transparent fluid, ready to pierce the folds of skin he had pinched together with his thumb and forefinger. His thumb was frozen on the plunger as he stared at the new arrival in the doorway. There was a guilty sort of fear in his eyes.
Lily put two and two together, and began to back slowly out of the room.
"Wait!" Remus called out suddenly. His voice was choked and feeble. "Lily, it's not what it looks like..."
Lily cleared her throat nervously. She had no idea how to react—she'd never dealt with this sort of situation before, and had hoped she'd never have to. But here it was, right at her kitchen table. In fact, she was surprised it hadn't occurred to her before. The strange moods, the lethargy, the bloodshot eyes... Rock stars did drugs all the time; it was only natural that one of the Marauders would stumble down that thoroughly beaten track.
"It's okay," Lily said, taking another step backward. "I, er, won't tell anyone... if that's what you're worried about. Actually, I'll just go back to bed and pretend this was all a dream. 'Night." Who knew? She might really be able to convince herself that this had simply been an extension of her subconscious's last demented concoction. From chocolate milk to Tuesday Hats to a drug addict in the kitchen, Lily was having a pretty strange night. She reached out to turn the light off, but Remus stopped her once again.
"It's insulin," he blurted out.
"That's what you guys are doing these days?" Lily was baffled. "God, what else? Scratch that—I probably don't want to know."
Remus wore a humourless half-smile as he regarded her. "Actually, I'm a diabetic."
Oh.
Lily felt a strange combination of emotions pass through her body. In the extended period of quiet, Remus gently slid the needle into his skin and emptied its contents. When he drew back, Lily noticed the faint purple marring of the flesh on his stomach and felt a growing sense of intruding on something private.
"So that's why you've... been ill?" she finally asked, feeling a need to break the heavy silence.
Tucking his syringe back into a little black holder, Remus nodded. "I only found out last year," he told her. "Kept blacking out in the middle of performances and lost a crapload of weight. James and Sirius were the ones who finally forced me to see a doctor about it."
Lily digested this information, wondering briefly why she had never heard anything about it from Petunia, who was practically a walking Marauder encyclopedia. And then a thought occurred to her. "Your fans," she began, glancing up, " do they know?"
"No." Remus shook his head, looking a little resentful. "I was actually going to make an announcement, but Management decided at the last minute that it wasn't a good idea. Kind of contradicts the whole 'rebel' image of the band, you know?" He sighed. "Plus, they say some American boy band is already playing the Diabetes angle, and we need to stay 'original'."
Lily raised her eyebrows. "This 'Management' sounds like a piece of work," she said, taken aback by the wrongness of it all.
Remus snorted. "Yeah... You have no idea."
There was silence for several moments, in which both parties digested the conversation thus far and neither was quite sure how to continue it.
Finally, Remus spoke. "This probably goes without saying, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody else... and, well, especially not your sister."
Lily smiled at this. "Well, duh," she said, "Petunia would have it all over Marauderland in a heartbeat. So yes, my lips are sealed."
"Alright. Thanks a lot, Lily." He stood up and took a few steps toward the basement door, and then, apparently struck by a sudden afterthought, turned around. "Just being a good mate here, so don't get touchy when I ask you this," he warned, and Lily was immediately on guard, "but... what do you think of James?"
Lily opened her mouth, and her brain see-sawed between two instinctive responses: laughing derisively, or shouting at Remus for having the nerve to suggest such a thing. Somehow, she couldn't quite manage either one. In the end, she snapped her jaw shut, paused, and said, "What?"
Remus smiled ever so slightly. "You know, just curious."
"Of course you are. Did he put you up to this?" Her head spun with the absurdity of the situation. It was just like at school, when a boy got his mates to do his dirty work for him, only... James Potter? Asking about her? A strange mixture of dread and excitement welled up in Lily's chest, and she tried very hard to push it back down.
"You didn't answer the question," said Remus slyly.
True. Why couldn't she answer the stupid question? What do you think of James Potter, Lily? He's a jerk, and I despise him, and my life would be complete if I could bring him down on his sorry arse. There. Not so hard, right? Try as she might, she couldn't force those words through her parched throat. Instead, she decided on:
"He's a Marauder. I mean, I sort of hate you all by default. Er, no offence."
Remus snorted. "Fair enough." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned to go downstairs.
For some reason, Lily couldn't leave it at that. The words burned on the tip of her tongue, and before she knew it, she was calling them out to him in as low a voice as she could manage.
"But he's a lot more genuine than I thought, I guess. You all are. Not exactly the arrogant pricks from Petunia's posters."
Remus smirked, as though he might've gotten the answer he was looking for—or had been hoping for. "Nice to know," he said simply, and then, "Goodnight, Lily."
"G'night," she mumbled as he closed the door. Now that the words had left her mouth, she was in a sort of daze. Had she really just admitted that aloud? She filled a cup of water and made her way back to her bedroom in the dark. Along the way, she found herself desperately wishing the last ten minutes could be tacked on to the end of that loony boat dream—because right now, she felt like the biggest idiot alive.
A/N: Speaking of idiots... We're back!
In order to get this chapter to you as quickly as possible, we have decided to condense our usual page-long author's note. Besides, you know our excuses already (if you don't, head over to the Formspring Page of Enlightenment).
A good day to you! (Removes Tuesday Hat)
Sinseerlie,
Liz and Sam
(Seven Scribbles)