Helplessness Blues

Again I lost my strength completely

Oh be near me, tired old mare

With the wind in your hair

Chapter 5

Having served up pleasantries and placed orders for several breakfast platters, Beth returned to her counter. She wasn't surprised to find Daryl gone but found that she was even less surprised at the crisp twenty dollar bill tucked under his mug. She folded it neatly and tucked it inside her front pocket, separate from the crumpled tips in her apron.

For some reason it felt different. She felt acutely aware of its presence in her pocket. It was strange to think that it was the same twenty dollar bill that had been squirreled away in her coffee can. As though its limited time with the Dixon man had transformed it completely. Had made it his.

You always were too sentimental Bethy.

She was surprised by how bold she had acted. Almost brazen in her confrontation. Her teasing. She was sure it was just the situation but something in her interaction with him, something in him, seemed to spur her on.

She hadn't acted like Beth Greene. Well, not the Beth Greene that her family and boyfriend seemed to think she was. The Beth Greene she always put on for them. Mild mannered, subservient, compulsively accepting. She always felt like she owed them that. Owed them to be that girl.

But that man? She owed him nothing. He had zero expectations of her. And even if he had - he had no right to them. So she hadn't acted like Beth Greene. She had acted like herself. The self that she always imagined she'd be if/when she moved away. To college. To the city. To a place where she was free to be occasionally selfish, occasionally stupid.

Stupid. She suddenly grimaced, their interaction running through her head. It was one thing to accept the redneck's apology. But it was another to act as she had. The playful ribbing and attempts at banter. As though he were just another customer and not a part of the dreary world that her father was spiraling into. But who was she to judge? Her father was proof of the places that good men could find themselves in life.

Beth's thoughts turned to a few weekends past, spending a day in the city with Jimmy. It had been a grand idea of his. He surprised her with bus tickets. The kind of bus where tired riders, weighed heavily with suitcases, arrive hours in advance to get a seat. With a tiny bathroom stall in the back that leaves the entire carriage smelling like stale urine. Departing from an alley behind the Walmart.

She had feigned excitement, though trekking to Atlanta on her single free day was the last thing she wanted. When they arrived at the bus depot she realized that he had nothing planned for their visit. Was expecting her to think of something. The idea of choosing activities for the two of them made her anxious (so sure that anything she wanted, he would actively hate) so she implored him to decide on something. A shop. A museum. A restaurant. She'd be happy with anything. Instead, he was silent and surly.

They aimlessly wandered the city for hours. The sun baking her fair skin and the hot pavement. He chastised her for not wearing sunscreen. At one point they passed an unwashed man in the park with a sign.

Any bit helps. God Bless You.

Almost on instinct, Beth dug through her purse and handed him a few bills. Jimmy had been aghast, admonished her immediately.

"Beth, I know you're trying to be kind but sometimes you're so naive."

"How am I being naive?"

"You know he's just going to spend that money on drugs, right?"

"You don't know that for sure. And even if he does-."

"-Beth, he's a lowlife. Let's go."

She had spent the rest of the trip trying to keep herself from falling out of love with him.

Jimmy would never understand. His hands were too clean. Not from being a better person but from being dealt a better hand. He looked at the vagrant and saw nothing but trash. She looked at him and saw a man with the same demons as her father. Simply wrapped in a different package.

She thought of the twenty dollars in her pocket. Of her weary extortioner. Perhaps bound to his "work" by some familial obligation or loyalty. It wasn't a diner or a farm but it was something. Maybe he was simply wrapped in a different package too.

The rest of her shift passed without incident. And by the time the first streams of light appeared at the horizon, the appearance of the breakfast prep crew - Beth was ready for bed. She grabbed some food in a takeaway container for home and said a silent prayer of thanks when her car started without fail.

It struck her, as she pulled into the driveway, that she still didn't know her extortioner's name. She knew he had to be a Dixon. Their reputation around town was one for the books. But after a while, Dixon seemed less like a name and more like a title. She wondered if she'd ever get a chance to learn it.

And a tiny, shy part of her deep inside hoped that she would. If only so she'd get the chance to feel and act like the girl (no, the woman) that she'd been in the diner as she confronted him.

The screen door swung shut behind her as she entered the house. Dropping her keys in the wicker basket beside the telephone, she kicked off her no-slip shoes and entered the kitchen. Her father sat the table, shuffling papers.

"Morning Daddy." She forced a small smile and kissed him on the cheek.

He chuckled and gave her ponytail a gentle tug. He smelled like soap, his beard was neatly trimmed.

"Morning? Looks like it's time for my Sunshine to set. I wish I could promise you some peace and quiet but you know how noisy it can be around here."

Beth was just relieved the farm was running and making any sound at all. "I think after 19 years I'm used to the noise. I brought home some food from Marietta's. I'll put it in the fridge if you get hungry."

"Always so good to me, Bethy. You go and get some sleep. I'll tell Otis to try and keep those cows quiet."

Beth smiled, glad to see her father in raised spirits. Though always with a bit of suspicion. At the foot of the steps, she paused. "You seem chirpy this morning. Everything good?"

His face went red for a second, and he hid a small sheepish grin. "Just the horse results. I got a call early this morning. Seems I didn't owe a good bit of money that I thought I did. I feel about $300 richer."

Beth was glad that she hadn't turned around to ask the question. That her father couldn't see the way her jaw had set in a hard line. She forced a bit of cheer in her voice. "That's good to hear, Daddy. I'll see you later."

She undressed and collapsed into bed, wishing that she had showered first. Too tired to properly care. She draped an arm over her eyes to block the light and drifted to sleep soundly.

Author's Note: Hey guys. I'm here after a very long hiatus! Just a short chapter to try and get back into the swing of things. I'd like to pick this back up - especially after the disastrous turn of events for Beth in season 5. Hope some of y'all are still out there looking to read this. 3