Hey everybody, Mitch here. Not much to say, really, but this chapter is meant as really a filler to transition into the first exam. There's going to be a bit of mature language later on, but just remember that this whole chapter is meant for comedic purposes, so it's more of an omake that is still connecting part of the story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Team Tsurugi awoke bright and early, happy and ready to take on the day. …Or, at least Kirito was; Kiri and Suigetsu both were on the receiving end of assaults by Seinaru and another of Kirito's mongoose friends. Their esteemed jounin sensei was hungover from the day before (and he couldn't stop making American Pie references), so he woke up much later than the genin. At eight in the morning, Kirito called out in a sing-song voice to all in the hotel room, "You assholes best be getting breakfast before I feed Chompy~" which was followed by the bleating of a goat.
As Kiri and Suigetsu walked tiredly down the hallway, they looked at each other and sighed. Suigetsu said, "Is he really going to give our breakfast… to a goat?" Kiri nodded and replied, "He once fed my waffles to a rhinoceros. Don't underestimate him."
"Just didn't expect him to be so happy after yesterday is all," the Hozuki said with a small snort.
Kujira Kiri shrugged and said, "He's a crazy bastard. I never have any idea what he's gonna do." Their rather dogged-looking sensei joined them as they passed by his door and he sang out, "He's Kirito, Kirito. You never really know what he's gonna do next, he's Kirito, Kirito…"
"CHOMPY NO! THAT IS NOT FOR GOATS!" Kirito yelled from the kitchen. The sound of an electrical shocking could be heard, as well as wounded bleating and Kirito crying like a little girl.
The three shared an exasperated look at their teammate's antics and said as one, "…Crazy bastard."
After breakfast, the team and their sensei parted ways, though unbeknownst to the Genin, they were each headed for the same destination—the Konoha Ninja Academy. They arrived at the Academy quite early in the morning, when the barely risen sun glowed orange and washed over the red wood of the outer walls, and they could see the fading stars in the reflective orbs that sat atop the stone pillars. As the Genin walked into the Academy, they saw a steady river of bodies flooding up a set of stairs.
"I suppose we should've been earlier," Kiri said with a slightly awkward smile. "Is there any way to make this line move faster…?" he wondered aloud, glancing over to Kirito, who suddenly took on a wicked grin.
Suigetsu, too, had seen the look on Kirito's face, and immediately froze up. "Kirito, now is not the time for Dokuhime," he said quickly.
"I wasn't going to use Dokuhime," Kirito said softly, though his grin steadily turned more malicious. "I'm going to use Chompy."
"NO!" Kiri and Suigetsu said at once, "We don't need a damn goat vomiting on everyone! We'll probably have to clean up after him too!"
Kirito pouted and muttered, "Never get to have any fun…"
"OH YEAH?! WHAT DO YOU CALL TORTURING US?!"
Kirito smirked and replied, "Vengeance."
"Of course," Kiri and Suigetsu sweatdropped.
"Wake me up when September ends," Kiri muttered, closing his eyes and leaning against a wall.
"Keep that shit up and I'll be kicking your ass on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Kirito muttered darkly, shooting a look at Kiri whilst Suigetsu laughed quietly.
The white-haired boy looked around, and his eyes settled on a staircase on the other side that was not crowded at all!
"Oi, guys! Look, over there," he whispered, pointing to the staircase. "It's a staircase, so it probably goes up!"
"Really? How'd you figure that one out?" Kirito said dryly.
"No need to get cranky Kirito," Suigetsu said, "just think. If we follow those stairs up, to the third floor…" he began, beckoning for them to continue.
"We can get laid!" Kiri chimed in.
"Ye—what? No, you damn fool!" Suigetsu said, "If we go up to the third floor, we can get to the testing room!"
"Suigetsu, your genius is showing," Kirito said quietly.
"Wha—oh hell, not again." Suigetsu said, his hands fumbling to zip his pants up.
Kiri and Kirito facepalmed at this.
(Warning: The language will get a little harsh this part, but only for comedic purposes)
And so the Idiot Brigade made their way up the other set of stairs, unknowingly followed by the team from Suna, though the desert-folk were at a small distance away, Temari's eyes focused on the redheaded Uzumaki in front of them. They rounded several corners on the third floor before winding up at the head of the line, where several Konoha genin were waiting for their entry. One of them who had brown hair and wore a grey jacket with a fur-lined collar spoke out at once, "Hey! No cutting!"
"We didn't cut," Kiri replied quickly.
"Oh yeah, then how'd you get here so fast?!" said another, a blonde-haired girl with a purple blouse.
"We took the other staircase," Kirito deadpanned, giving them all a dark look. "You all went to this Academy, I assume. From this exchange, I conclude you people to be idiots."
Shouts of, "HEY!" and "WHO'RE YOU CALLING DIM?!" and "YOU WHAT MATE?!" rang out immediately as Team Tsurugi walked through the door after being checked by a door guard. The room they walked into was generally the same as any other in the building, with long rows of counters for desks, with benches resting behind them. Windows lined one side of the room and a blackboard was at the front. Several genin had already taken seats or were gathered in small groups and conversing. Kiri and Suigetsu saw a couple other genin from Kirigakure and went to speak with them, whilst Kirito ran directly for a window and stuck his head out like a dog, wagging his tongue and butt happily.
"So Kirito sends a bunch of snakes on us, and—" Kiri said, telling the story about Kirito's date the night before.
"HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kirito yelled out the window. The room went silent and everyone heard the loud chirping of a bird. "Shut the fuck up! SHUT UP!"
The bird's chirping grew almost mocking. "Shut up! You're a fuck-ass! I SAID YOU'RE A FUCK-ASS!"
Temari and Kankuro were looking over at the redhead with blank expressions on their faces. "What the hell is he doing…?" asked the boy in warpaint.
"I don't really know…"
"Hey, hey bird! You wanna get down from that fucking tree?! I SAID YOU WANNA GET DOWN FROM THAT FUCKING TREE?!" The bird chirped back a response, and translated it was something like this: "You wanna come up this fucking tree? I'll fight you dumbass!"
"THAT TEARS IT," cried Kirito, climbing out the window before being dragged back in by one Uzumaki Naruto, with a little help by an apathetic Uchiha Sasuke. "Naruto! Duck-ass! What the hell?!"
"Duck-ass…?!" Sasuke fumed silently.
"What were you doing, Kirito-san?!" Naruto demanded quietly, looking his uncle in the eyes.
"That bird was talking shit; I was merely following the age-old rule." Kirito said softly.
"And what rule is that…?" deadpanned Haruno Sakura.
Kirito exchanged glances with Kiri and Suigetsu, who immediately ran over and the three chorused, "Talk shit, get hit." And the three took on a grin, which surprised most of the genin who were watching to see that Kirito was, in fact, capable of smiling. The sight of Kirito smiling was enough to induce blushing and in some cases nosebleeds upon several girls, forcing even Temari to look down at the ground to avoid being seen.
After a moment of silence, a silver-haired genin, also from Konoha, walked up to Team Tsurugi and Team Kakashi. "Hey, would you guys mind keeping it down? People won't exactly warm up to you that way…"
"Hey. Nobody cares." Kirito said bluntly, waving him off.
"O-oh." said the silver-haired genin. "Okay." And he slumped off toward a corner where a few others were gathered.
"Um, pardon, Kirito-san?" the pinkette of Team Kakashi asked after a moment, after the blonde in the purple blouse from before came up and whispered in her ear for a moment.
"Hai?" Kirito replied, turning a cold violet eye upon the pair.
"Ino-pig here was wondering about your morning run?"
"What about it…?"
"Wait, how did you know he does a morning run?" Suigetsu interrupted.
"Oh, Ino-pig watches him from her window with high-powered binoculars." Sakura remarked, a small smirk crossing her features, and from his peripheral vision Kirito saw Naruto swoon a little. Ino whispered something furiously into Sakura's ear, and the pinkette followed up with, "And she says she's not gonna stop!"
Just then the door slammed open and an imposing man in a leather trench coat with several scars marring his face walked in, commanding everyone's attention. He looked over everyone and his lip curled upwards in a hint of distaste. He spoke out in a booming voice, "Alright ya poop nobblers! Now I don't want no screwin' around from you batch of meat tossers! Last group thought it would be funny to shove a corncob up a genin's bunghole! And you know what happened to them…?" he asked, his voice getting quieter. "They were asked to leave politely, and it was AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE!" He marched to the desk in the very front, and several chuunin in navy blue outfits trooped in after him with clipboards in their hands. "My name is Morino Ibiki, and I am your proctor for this first exam! And henceforth, it is my job to make sure that you know that if you are not good enough to be a chuunin… YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!"
So yeah, that's it. It's all I could drum up for this, but I promise I'll try to have up an actual chapter before I go back to University, possibly detailing both the first and second exams. Did any of you pick up on the references I make in the chapter, including: Team Four Star, Lord of the Rings, and Filthy Frank. Anyways, if you'll excuse me, I'm real tired, and I mean really f*cking tired.
Good night, have a wonderful day, etc., and Merry Christmas!
~Mitch