Sibling Rivalry
6. Avengers 3.0
In which Thor discovers the horrible truth about fame.
The hair extensions were soft and silky as Thor toyed with them between his fingers. They weren't his exact colour, but they were the closest Astrid had been able to acquire. Sometimes, desperate times called for desperate measures.
"Ah, there you are, brother."
As Loki came sauntering into his bedroom unannounced, Thor shoved the extensions into the drawer of his official King desk.
"Yes, here I am, in my bedroom, where I sleep and do other personal things. Now, kindly go away, brother; I require some personal time."
"You're acting very suspiciously," Loki accused. "What are you up to?"
Thor sneakily slid his cell-telephone from his pocket and held it up for Loki to see. "If you must know, I was conversing with maidens on the dating app."
"Maidens can wait." Loki pulled his tab-lutt from beneath the flowing green-and-black cloak he'd taken to wearing. "I came to gloat."
"About what?"
"According to the internet, I rank more highly than you on the list of Eligible Bachelors of 2017."
"Impossible!"
"Very possible. You see, whilst you have been hiding yourself away, sulking about your hair and failing to woo maidens on dating apps, I have been raising my public profile via social media and carefully edited magazine interviews." Loki cleared his throat and read from his tab-lutt. "'The Prince of Lies has cultivated an aura of mystery around himself', 'Unlike his older brother, Loki has that whole "potentially redeemable bad boy" vibe in which he clearly enjoys basking. And how we'd love to bask with him!', 'Voted #2 on What Man's 'Sexiest Cloak of the Year' list.' Stupid Dr. Stupid," Loki grumbled. "You see, brother, not only are you not the strongest Avenger, you're also not even the most desirable Avenger."
"What?" Thor scoffed loudly. "You're not even an Avenger, Loki."
Loki grinned and turned. As he sauntered out of the room, he glanced over his shoulder, and said, "Not yet."
Thor couldn't let that comment stand. His whole world was slowly crumbling. First his hair, then his status as the strongest Avenger, and now Loki was beating him in a popularity contest? The mortals hated Loki! He leapt out of his chair and followed his brother down the corridor.
"What do you mean, 'not yet'? You would never be accepted as an Avenger. Nobody trusts you. Nobody likes you. There isn't a single Avenger alive who wouldn't happily see you permanently in chains."
"Well, according to the internet, I'm a shoe-in for the next iteration of the Avengers team."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"Is it?" Loki handed him the tab-lutt, and sure enough, there was an article on who the next Avengers were likely to be. "You see, brother. It will be me, Hulk—we bonded during our recent trip to Hollywood and did a few photo-shoots for the public—some fellow with a metal arm, and an amazing shrinking-growing man. There may be a token female." Loki grinned. "It may be you."
No no no no no! This couldn't be happening! How could the people of Midgard be crazy enough to think Loki would make a good defender of their world? Apparently, Loki read his inner turmoil; he answered without being asked.
"Seems every team needs some morally dubious genius to root for. They think I'd make a good replacement for the tin-man. I must say, I'm looking forward to working with these people in the future. Your own so-called friends must be such a disappointment to you."
"...What do you mean?" Thor asked.
"Well, you've been here on Earth for a couple of months now, and how many of them have come by to see you? How many of them have even sent you a letter, or an electronic mail, or even an X-MASS card? You'd think that the return of their great friend, Thor, would bring them running for a reunion. But no, they're all to absorbed in their own so-called problems to come and see their friend. Their friend who just lost his father. Their friend whose entire world was just destroyed, leaving him homeless and destitute."
"I'm sure they're all busy doing… um… heroic things."
Loki took a step closer, to whisper, "They didn't even send you flowers." And with that, he skipped off back to his own quarters.
Thor trudged back to his room, where he became mired in a fog of depression. How could this have happened? Was it because he'd lost his hair? Had that been the true source of his power all along? And more importantly, how could he turn this around?
He grabbed his own tab-lutt and consulted the internet. Loki had been busy. His interviews were everywhere. His picture was everywhere. He'd posed for selfies atop the Statue of Liberty. He'd stood pensively staring up at the Washington Monument. He'd wore green on Moscow's Red Square. He'd pretended to be crushed by the world's largest ball of twine in some place called Kansas. And when had he had time, or opportunity, to ride a wooden roller coaster in Tivoli with the Hulk?
It didn't end there. Loki was on Facebook. He was on Twitter and Instagram and Tumblr and LinkedIn and a bunch of other things Thor didn't understand. And worse, people seemed to like him. To like the pictures, and the interviews, and the status updates. To add insult to injury, some articles and pictures counted his likes, and there were a lot of them. Meanwhile, an article written about Thor in something called Forbes, described him as "The King of Refugees."
This was intolerable! He had to do something. He had to win back the hearts and minds of the people he'd protected from the very man who'd tried to enslave them! Starting from today, he would retake his title as the most desirable Avenger.
Your username has been changed from LonelyInLillehammer to Thor, Mightiest Avenger
You have an incoming message from Bunny111. Would you like to open the message?
[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Open Message.
[Bunny111]: Hi hunny.
[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Greetings, fair maiden! Err, you *are* a maiden, are you not?
[Bunny111]: Yes I'm a girl.
[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: Splendid! How fares your day so far?
[Bunny111]: Good thanks. Yours?
[Thor, Mightiest Avenger]: It's been a roller coaster, I must say. But it's made me realise that I can't sit alone forever, despairing over the things I have lost, longing for the times that will never be again. I must move on, to greener pastures, and new opportunities.
[Bunny111]: Cool.
[Bunny111]: So, can you introduce me to your brother?
[You have terminated the conversation]