I've been thinking lots about my life and
How quick I'd wash it down the drain
Past tense the future, nothing matters now
I act on my own and I'm to blame
Living's a wicked dream, where things turn out all wrong
We're all so weak, no matter how strong, yeah

I tried running away from me
Convince me that I've grown, but I can't
Change so unnaturally, Demons they follow me
I quit running away from me
Convinced that I have grown, but found out
All my reasons for insanity, all a part of me

Demons ; Avenged Sevenfold

Mitchell knew that being part of a clan wasn't going to work for him but he didn't have much of a choice, at least at first. He definitely could use the coverage and protection of the police, just like he very much needed a roof over his head that didn't cost him anything, because of course he had to quit his job, he couldn't keep working in the same place as Gaia and Michele, that just wasn't going to happen. Maybe one day he was going to find a new job, but he was alright like he was for the time being.

Noah seemed to be honoring the deal, not bossing Mitchell around but only asking for his help during hunts, fights against the occasional enemies – not that they had many, even Kiwi vampires were just as laid-back as human Kiwis – but the few times he was asked to recruit Mitchell harshly refused, thing that more than once lead to arguments between he and Noah. Wallace thought it was utter bullshit, he really didn't know why it was such a big deal for Mitchell to turn humans into vampires, he had done it before and he had been with the clan for nearly two months now, he was technically part of the family – And boy, did Mitchell shudder at the word 'family' every single time.

Nearly two months with the clan and Mitchell had sunk his fangs into so many necks he couldn't even count them anymore, he stuffed himself full of blood until he was completely drunk on it and he couldn't remember a thing, feeling invincible and untouchable. Still it just wasn't working, no matter how many gallons he knocked back the high lasted only for a few hours, then the misery came back, all the pain and the memories and the regret, how much he loved Anders and fuck... His guts wouldn't stop telling him that Anders was just in as much pain as he was.

Noah could tell that there was something wrong with Mitchell and he didn't like it, he wanted his ally strong, cruel and uninhibited, lethal and ready to kill and be the vampire he was supposed to be. Mitchell didn't act like that enough for Noah's taste, no matter how hard Mitchell faked, no matter the times in which he cold-bloodedly killed his victims Noah watched Mitchell crawl back into his chambers looking distraught – well that wasn't vampiric at all, he could clearly see why Herrick was so fed up with the infamous John Mitchell.

Mitchell complained a lot, sometimes because he was just so high on blood that he couldn't help but criticize and try bossing around everyone, and other times because his human side kicked in and he just couldn't stand his own kind. Noah was starting to think of Mitchell as a thorn in his side, deciding to ask him to join the clan was starting to feel like one of his worst ideas, because Mitchell brought more trouble than good things in his nest and Noah hated chaos.

The clock was ticking, and for the leader of the Auckland vampires it was time to make his move.

–

Since he refused to recruit, a few too many times Mitchell had found himself having to babysit newly recruited vampires, which were the deadliest kind of vampires, constantly hungry and not caring about the right way to kill and feed, wanting blood quickly and always making a mess.

Mitchell tried to not complain too much and do his teaching job, after all he knew way too well what it feels like to be turned into a vampire, everything is so new and equal parts frightening and exciting, but then there's the hunger that just won't go away, not even with the first feed.

One night Mitchell was out hunting with his small group of newborns, two girls and the campest boy he had ever met – and who had shamelessly and repeatedly hit on Mitchell since the first time he had laid eyes on him – walking the darkest back alleys of Auckland to search for the right victims. Mitchell knew there was another couple vampires hunting not too far from that area and he didn't like it, these vampires hunted only twice a week but some nights it turned into a carnage and he really didn't think it was the right way to act if they wanted humans to still be oblivious to the existence of vampires.

The newborns were too chatty and excited for Mitchell, talking constantly about how dangerous they were and daring one another to do stupid things that had Mitchell groaning and scolding them every time.

How did he end up babysitting that bunch of idiots?

Mitchell was just trying to tune out the annoying chatting around him when he heard something that caught his attention, and not in a good way, not too far from them. It was a pair of panicked voices that Mitchell knew way too well and made him snap out of his dark side, his eyes widened and he felt his heart sink to his stomach.

"Sounds like Dave and Maud found some dinner," the girl with the long brown hair commented as she rested back against a dirty wall. She looked annoyed, but at the same time was eying the raven haired girl as if she wanted to tear off her clothes right there and then.

"Fuck 'em, we'll find some too, soon, right Mitchell?" the guy leaned against Mitchell and he none too gently pushed him away.

"You all stay here or I'll stake you myself," Mitchell snarled as he took off running in the direction of the voices, leaving three puzzled young vampires behind him.

Fuck, he had told Noah that the Johnsons were off limits but he should know that he had meant also the people close to them. Luckily Mitchell wasn't too late when he saw the male vampire of the couple leering over Gaia all bared fangs and pitch black eyes, he knew Zeb was being toyed with, but Gaia was about to get killed so Mitchell all but launched himself at David, raising panic amongst both the preys and predator.

"Mitchell! What the fuck is wrong with you?" the guy cried out as he tried to push Mitchell away "I though you hated that little bitch!" he jerked his chin towards Gaia.

Mitchell hissed and growled, his fangs out and threatening as he stood back up "You don't come near this people, I had told Noah about this," Mitchell sneered in the direction of the girl who was still holding Zeb by his throat, she let go of him and the boy began to cough and wheeze. "Just fuck off, both of you, and take my youngsters with you."

"You're ridiculous, Mitchell!" Maud chimed in "You're one of the greatest vampires who ever lived, yet you lose your greatness with all these stupid human feelings," she spat as she pulled a face "you're pathetic."

Mitchell flared his nostrils "You know nothing about me," he then gestured for the alley he came from to add "just piss off and do as you've been told."

The vampires hissed at him in annoyance but obliged, after all Mitchell was stronger and older than them and they really couldn't complain much.

"Dude, you..." Zeb didn't exactly know what to say or do, he was still shocked by what had just happened to him and Gaia.

"Just go home, already." Mitchell said lowly as his fangs slipped back into his gums and his eyes turned to their normal brown again. It hurt so much to see them and be reminded of what he had given up completely on, why couldn't he just forget and not care like every other vampire?

"Mitchell," Gaia dared placing her hand on the vampire's arm, making his head snap in her direction and panting an incredulous expression on his face "Mitchell, I'm so, so sorry for what happened, I would have never–"

Mitchell shook her hand off and interrupted her apologies "There's no point in this, I said go home."

"He's a wreck, man," Zeb cut in "he's the shadow of the person he used to be when he was with you."

Mitchell's breath hitched in his throat and he felt a nasty clutch to his chest, he knew Anders was suffering, he felt it in his guts but tried to ignore it as much as he could. Damn soul bond.

Then Gaia took over again "He loves you... So much. I know you loathe me and this is all my fault because if I hadn't become Idunn you'd still be happy and just–" a sob escaped her lips and Mitchell cringed, she was actually crying in front of him. Zeb wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close as he tried to get her to calm down.

"Go home," Mitchell repeated and shoved his fists into the pockets of his jacket, completely distraught by the meeting and the information that it brought.

"Thank you, man!"

"Thanks, Mitchell!"

Mitchell screwed his eyes shut and walked away from them faster; as soon as he would get to the nest he was definitely going to have a word with Noah.

–

So many things can happen in a month, and even more can happen in almost two.

For example your mortal brother might get so jealous over his ex girlfriend having a rude troglodyte for new boyfriend that suddenly Hod comes back to him, unexpectedly and almost illogically; but then again, if someone knew about demons never dying and always chasing back after you, that was definitely Anders.

What else can happen in all that time? Well, Ty and Dawn got back together, because apparently the return of Hod meant that memories had flown back to Dawn and reminded her of the beautiful love they'd shared. Just to add more fuel to the fire, to have a better chance with Dawn, this time, Ty had decided to let her know about the existence of Gods, Goddesses and vampires too, to explain why he had to break up with her at some point, decision that of course unleashed Mike's anger – and maybe Mike had acted a bit like a dick, but he had had all the rights to be mad, anonymity was the first rule of survival.

About all of this, Anders just couldn't find a single fuck to give, not even if he looked hard enough, he shut everyone out, especially Ty who of course couldn't shut up about how amazing it was to finally be with Dawn without harming her.

"You need to back the fuck up, Ty. Seriously, get off my case," Anders bursted one day when his brother had decided to show up at his house with sushi - I've made it myself! - and beer.

"Bro, I know what you're going through, I'm here to help," Ty sighed as he placed food and booze on the table.

"You don't have to. Was I there for you when you and Dawn were over?" Anders scratched his hairy chin – yeah, two months without shaving could do that to you, too.

"No, but I definitely needed it, so I'm gonna do it for you," Ty explained, avoiding to make eye contact with his brother.

Anders froze for a moment, suddenly feeling guilty for neglecting his brother in times of need, but then again he wasn't like Ty and he didn't need to be nursed or anything. "Well I don't need you to," then he specified "I don't want you to."

Ty looked up into Anders' eyes, he was both hurt and worried but he couldn't possibly help someone who clearly didn't want to be helped. "I'm taking the beers back, but eat, alright?" he arched a brow as he eyed Anders.

Right, almost two months of barely eating and drinking like a sailor could definitely make you look like the ghost of the man you usually were. Anders snorted and shoved the box of sushi inside his fridge "I'm going out anyway, I'll eat this another time," then he gestured towards the door "now piss off, go fuck my assistant's brains out."

Ty flared his nostrils and clenched his jaw "Why can't you stop being a fucking crude prick? And stop talking about Dawn as if she's just a piece of meat, she's my girlfriend, don't fucking disrespect her!" he growled, trying to sound as threatening as he could.

If Anders didn't feel so hollow he'd probably laugh at his face, but he just stared back at him "Thanks to you your girlfriend slapped me across the face and I could lose her precious help, so I think you'd better fuck off now, Ty, I'm running out patience."

Ty would have punched him in the face but he restrained, Anders was definitely back to his old self. If only Mitchell was there to change things again... The brunet scoffed and left the apartment, slamming the door behind his back.

"Fucking finally," Anders muttered as he moved to his room to get changed.

His old routine was back with an improvement, his power had increased seemingly out of nowhere, until his grandfather had explained to him that the grief of losing the love of his life had made him grow into a man.

"The fuck are you on about? I've been a grown up for a while now, why the fuck are you always so stoned grandpa?" Anders growled from above his lager.

"No, you're the one who doesn't understand. Emotionally you've always been like an horny teenager who couldn't give two shits about the people he rooted," Olaf started, yeah he was stoned but not that much "loving Mitchell, changing as a person thanks to him and then losing him made you a man. Just like for Odin, you can really be a God only when you've become a man first."

Anders looked at him completely puzzled, at first, but then he found that his words made so much sense it was crazy.

Knowing about his power becoming stronger he decided to walk down the easiest path, the one he had always strutted upon: fucking everyone he wanted, even more than two or three people all at the same time, because Bragi could control entire groups of people now. He had a new method though, before getting his partners ready for the fun he'd tell them to completely forget him once the deed was done and over with, because he couldn't be bothered with anyone and everything was safer if they had no memories of him.

So every night he tried to drown completely into his partners for the time being, tried to tune out the world as he did what he thought he was best at. In nearly two months he could safely say that he had probably stuck his dick inside half of Auckland, and a small percentage of the male population had unknowingly stuck their dicks inside of Anders.
But none of this made him happy, he wasn't satisfied nor pleased with what he was doing and how he was doing it, he had taken up drinking himself to sleep trying to forget what he had done with those people, but mostly trying not to see Mitchell's smile, his eyes, trying so hard to not love him, but it was impossible.

Sometimes he'd get these weird cramps and pains all through his body, at first he thought that he was just sick or that they were just random aches everyone gets, but then he started to realize that it was actually Mitchell's grief he was feeling and that terrified him. He didn't tell that to Olaf anyway, he didn't want to get all wrapped up in Gods shit any further, he just wanted to go on with his life without his family causing more drama than necessary.

It had been a lot worse to deal with Dawn, now that she had found out about him being Bragi and controlling her every now and then with his powers, and probably Anders would have put up a fight if he wasn't so depressed and completely uninterested in anything that wasn't alcohol or sex.

Dawn, on her part, wanted to be pissed at him for all the times he had probably Bragi'd her into only God knows what kind of things, but she was way more worried for his well being to hold a grudge – for now, at least.

"I know you don't wanna talk about it, but–" Dawn started suddenly, as she approached Anders' desk, but her boss promptly cut her off.

"This conversation shouldn't even start, then. You do realize it, right? So don't start it if you know that I don't wanna talk about it," Anders sneered right away, eyes fixed on his laptop as he checked his e-mails.

"Anders, you will end up killing yourself at this rate. Self-destruction leads nowhere," Dawn really couldn't stop herself from going on. She was worried about his bad drinking habit and Ty was worried too, so she felt like she needed to do something, somehow.

"Dawn," Anders pinched the bridge of his nose before actually looking up at her "this is none of your business. I'm not gonna die, and sure as hell I'm not being self-destructive." he didn't even believe his own words but he had to convince himself somehow, hadn't he? Anders needed to be fine, or at least pretend to be fine, and even if he died he really didn't care at this point.

"Anders, do something! I know how much you love him, I've seen it in your eyes! There's this light that–" Dawn jumped as Anders suddenly slammed his fist into the desk.

"Shut up, Dawn, God! Shut up about him and about love!" Anders growled as he glared up at her, the vein on his neck engorged in anger. "This isn't a fucking game, this isn't about doing the great deed like Ty. This is a lot more complicated and your words won't change this situation for shit." he spat as he went back to his laptop with shaky fingers "So get back to work and only speak to me about clients."

Dawn pressed her lips together into a thin line, squaring her shoulders and looking away embarrassed after being scolded "Fine," was all she could say before she went back to her own desk. Normally she would have felt like an idiot for actually trying to put some sense into Anders' head, but the look in his eye was that of a man who was giving up – or already had given up – and that's what kept her from feeling like an idiot.

Anders watched her leave with flared nostrils, he didn't really want to snap at her, he did love Dawn but he couldn't even stand himself lately, hence there was no chance he'd stand anyone else. He rubbed at his eyes with the back of both hands, and of course once he'd opened them again he saw Gaia standing in the corner next to the window. That's right, in two months the visions had never stopped, and he had texted obscenities to Gaia way too more times than he cared to admit; in fact he picked up his cellphone right away to do just that.

'i need you, i'm going mad. please meet me tonight.'

If Anders had stared any longer at the text he wouldn't have sent it, and that's why he didn't even think too much before pressing the send button.

God he had become so fucking pathetic, trying to suck love or affection from the very person that had ruined everything between he and Mitchell.

The reply arrived sooner than he expected, anyway, but it made him scowl down puzzled at the screen.

'i'm leaving new zealand for good tomorrow. it's the right thing to do, i need to stay as far as possible from gods, especially you.'

Anders was about to type his reply when Gaia sent another text.

'btw i saw mitchell last night, i think he's in trouble. just thought you should know.'

Anders didn't even realize that he had stopped breathing and he nearly dropped his iPhone as he re-read the text for possibly the tenth time before actually shrugging on his jacket and leaving the office without giving Dawn an explanation or anything.

Once he was out of the building he called Gaia, she didn't pick up of course, but that didn't stop him from calling her over and over again until she actually answered.

"Anders please, stop calling me."

Anders scoffed "You definitely got some nerves telling me not to call after those texts. What the fuck is going on?"

"Last night's encounter opened up my eyes."

Anders' jaw tightened and his nostrils flared as he inhaled a deep breath through his nostrils "I don't think we should do this on the phone, where are you?"

"No, I don't wanna see you, Anders. You perfectly know what would happen."

"Then fucking tell me everything! Where the hell are you going? And how the shit you saw Mitchell?" Anders growled as he rested against his SUV.

"I'm going to London. If I go we won't be obsessed with each other anymore, it's the right thing to do and you know it."

"What about you and Axl?" Anders furrowed his brows.

"We've talked about this, already. There's no other way."

Anders' heart shrunk in his chest, those words sounded way too familiar.

"But it's alright, you and Mitchell need each other way more than Axl and I do."

Well, Anders definitely wasn't expecting that "Tell me about Mitchell, though." he heard Gaia sniff and swallow back her tears but it didn't phase him at all, he just wanted to know about his John.

"I was out with Zeb, last night, because Axl was with Olaf and... We were attacked by two vampires."

Anders widened his eyes "The fuck? Vampires?"

"Yes, vampires. We would have died if Mitchell hadn't popped out of nowhere and saved us. Everything happened so fast, I could barely believe what was going on! And he knew those vampires, too."

Anders stared down blankly at the ground, he didn't know what to say and he was pretty sure he was holding his breath again. Since he wasn't speaking, Gaia took over again.

"He said something about... Someone called Noah? And he said that Zeb and I weren't to be touched."

Noah? Oh God, the leader of the Auckland vampires "He's joined those vampires?" Anders' voice sounded at least an octave higher than usual, but he was feeling like someone was clutching his throat.

"He said something about his 'youngsters', I think he might have."

"Fuck..." Anders breathed out as he covered his eyes with a shaky hand. If Mitchell had joined them if meant that he wasn't lapsed anymore, he had started killing again. "Did... Did he say anything?"

"No, he just... He told us to go home and then he left."

Anders unlocked the SUV and sucked in a shuddering breath "Well uh... Thanks for telling me and... Have a safe trip, I guess?"

"...Yeah, thank you."

Anders nodded, even though Gaia couldn't see him and hung up. He tried to process everything he had heard, even if it was so hard to digest. Anders hoped to whatever deity that Mitchell wasn't going to get himself killed and wondered if there was anything he could do for him.

"Fuck. Just... Fuck," Anders growled to himself, nearly punching the roof of his car before climbing into the driver's seat. There actually wasn't anything he could do, but sure as hell he needed to go home and rummage through the booze cabinet.

The ride back home was horrible, he had this terrible feeling that something awful was going to happen and his head wouldn't stop pounding. Once he finally stepped into his apartment Anders eyed the bottle of scotch sitting on the coffee table and quickly walked up to it, picked it up, twisted the cap off and took a nice, big swig. He gulped it quickly, as if it was some kind of medicine that was going to numb his nerves, but when he tried to take another one he nearly dropped the bottle because of a sharp pain to his guts that had him groaning out loud.

That could only mean that something was happening to Mitchell, but he definitely wasn't expecting to be in physical pain for the next two hours.

–

Mitchell bursted into the old, abandoned brewery that was the Auckland's vampires' nest, growling as he angrily called out for Noah, his voice bouncing off the walls and echoing grotesquely through the bare corridor that led to the hall.

"Are you done shouting like a madman? How much blood did you have?" Noah asked as he stepped ahead, hands stuffed into the pockets of his well tailored suit.

"I didn't have any," Mitchell snarled lowly as he paced towards the older vampire.

"Oh, that's the problem then," Noah raised an eyebrow "you should feed more."

Mitchell growled and it took all his self-control to restrain from laying his hands on Noah "The deal is off, you crossed the line," he spat as he shook his head slowly.

Noah raised both eyebrows tonight, doing his best to look puzzled "What line? I thought I had to harm the Johnsons to break the deal, when did I do that?" he shrugged, hands still buried inside his pockets.

"David and Maud nearly fed on Gaia and Zeb, they're Axl Johnson's fiancée and his best friend and you know it way too well," Mitchell flared his nostrils as he stepped ahead, towering over Noah.

The older vampire blinked and tilted his head "They still aren't the Johnsons, right?"

Mitchell screwed his eyes shut letting out an exasperated groan as he threw his head back in frustration.

"You know what really is bad?" Noah started, an evil light glimmering in his eyes.

Mitchell scowled down at him "What?" he huffed.

"You, beating up the three newborns that I assigned to you," Noah smirked.

Mitchell grimaced at the allegation "The fuck are you on about? I didn't even lay a finger on them!" he cried incredulous, that was just absurd.

"Oh really? You didn't even touch them?"

"No! Why would I?"

"Explain this, then," Noah turned around and beckoned for someone to get out of the shade and join them into the dim light of the hall. The three young vampires appeared next to Noah, all sporting bruises and cuts of all sorts on their faces.

Mitchell widened his eyes "What the hell happened to you?"

The youngsters didn't say anything, they didn't even gaze upon Mitchell and just let Noah take over. "Yeah play dumb, that'll help," he furrowed his brows and nodded "you're right, the deal is definitely off. Have fun out there, it's a hard life for rejected vampires."

Mitchell didn't know what to say or do, part of him wanted to shout at Noah that it was bullshit, he had been set up and things had been turned against him, the other wanted to laugh so hard that he would cry because it was just too ridiculous to be true. "I know the way out, don't worry about me," Mitchell said as he started walking back towards the corridor.

"Oh, not so fast darling. Not so fast," Noah grinned crookedly "you seriously think we'll just let you walk away, Mitchell? You should know better, boy."

Mitchell stopped as if he suddenly got rooted to the floor, he heard footsteps and sinister laughter coming from the shadows "What the fuck is this, Wallace?" he flared his nostrils "You should know that it takes more than a pantomime to scare me."

"Pantomime?" Noah laughed "No, this is very real, darling."

Mitchell tried to ignore the stupid threats and just push past the vampires that were crawling out of the darkness; they were dozens, or maybe more, they kept coming from every possible corner and Mitchell knew that even if he was strong they beat him in number. He manifested, hissing and roaring as he tried to charge against those who were blocking his way out but everyone was on him in the blink of an eye, biting and kicking, punching and scratching and no matter how hard Mitchell fought back he didn't stand a chance.

–

Mitchell had no idea of how much time had passed when the cold air of the night slapped him across the face and he found himself lying on the concrete, tasting his own blood in his mouth. He sat up slowly, shuddering from the cold and the excruciating pain, he could clearly feel he had at least three cracked ribs, his left eyebrow was ripped open and his own blood was blurring his eye. He felt like his right shoulder was dislocated, so he sucked in a shaky breath and fixed it against the pole of a streetlight with a blood curdling howl.

He couldn't tell what else he broke, everything hurt too much and he kept losing blood from the deepest wounds. Now that he looked down at his knees and hands he could clearly see that the concrete had scraped them, or maybe something more had happened to him but he didn't remember.

Mitchell was too exhausted and hurting to even cry, but his heart was forcing his legs to walk in the direction it wanted, even if it meant stumbling and falling over again, he'd just get up on weak legs and stubbornly limp in that direction.

It took him ages to reach the building where he used to live with Anders two months before, he didn't actually know how he had made it 'til there but he was glad he had. Mitchell leaned against the front door to try and rest a bit before he could gather up the courage to actually use the intercom, but much to his surprise the door was open – talk about sheer luck, for once. He dragged himself inside the building and used the elevator to get to Anders' floor, then proceeded to stare at the door of the apartment for a few minutes, until it opened on its own, revealing a distraught and shocked Anders behind it.

"What... The fuck?" Anders gaped at Mitchell. He was paralyzed, completely paralyzed as he saw the horrible state in which the vampire was.

"I-I know you hate me but–" Mitchell choked on his own words as he broke down crying, holding his still aching shoulder as he looked down at the floor and shook his head.

To be continued...