A/N: Quick note! I realized I've made a mistake in the previous chapter, though already corrected it. When Shadis said that he has to watch over twenty cadets I've meant three hundred. Two hundred and seventy graduated all together, so I figured, that thirty would fall out along the way. So whoops!

CHAPTER 6

"Remind me to never play Risk with you ever again" muttered Amy as Armin replaced her last two Garrison figures with his seven members of Survey Corps.

"Trost District is mine" declared Armin with a small smile. "I've won."

"This game sucks."

"You just need to pay more attention to the game otherwise you won't be able to predict my moves."

"You can't beat Armin in that game" commented Eren looking up from his book that he borrowed from the said boy.

"That's not true" he argued back.

"Oh, come on, I've only won against you once, and as it later turned out, only because you let me. "

"You said that you wouldn't play with me if you lose again."

"But that didn't mean I wanted to win out of pity! I can manage myself without you and Mikasa pestering me nonstop!"

Armin sighed tiredly. "Eren, we've already argued over this countless time. There is no need to bring it up again."

Before Eren could say his next words, which wouldn't have been in the name of treaty based on his expression, Amy intervened.

"Maybe you will find someone challenging enough at Recon Corps."

Armin shrugged it off.

"Anyway, now that you mention in, have you decided where to join after graduation?"

Amy chuckled drily. "You mean, if I actually graduate?"

"I'm sure you will!" said the boy encouragingly. " You've gotten a lot better in the last few weeks."

She hadn't realize how truly thirsty she had become for even a small positive acknowledgment until he said those words. Even if they were simple and it was his nature to act kind towards fellow cadets, they meant the world to her. Jean never complimented her once during the two months spent in sweat together, although she didn't really expect him to. Praising wouldn't have gotten her anywhere and trying to grow up to his expectation was motivating… but deep down she had hoped for a small "good job" or a pat on the shoulders. In the end she got neither, only having the wish that even if he didn't say it out loud he was pleased.

So for the first time in months with one of her true thankful smile appeared as a missed warmth settled in her chest.

"Thank you" she mumbled her last words barely audible. "Thank you so much."

Armin answered with a smile of himself. "For what?"

Amy shook her head, but the smile hadn't disappeared.

"Anyway, so where do you plan to join?"

Amy smile faltered a bit. "I really don't know. Military Police was a nice dream, but that's it. I don't really know much about the Scouting Legion or the Garrison, just the concretes. And that Jean was really against the first one."

"Jean is a dickhead" Eren declared in a harsh manner. "I don't understand why you even bother to look at him."

Amy shrugged. "Jean can be a prick, but he is good at what he does. But he's not that bad once you get know him" she echoed Marco's words. "And I can't be anything but thankful to him. Without his help I don't think I would be here."

"He's still a dickhead."

"Amen."

When Eren spoke again he turned serious. "I can help you too if you want me to. You only need to ask. Better not rely on that prick."

"Thank you, but burdening one people is more than enough in my opinion."

"Why would it be a burden?" asked Armin in disbelief. "You might have our back in a fight one day; wouldn't you be more useful and reliable if you had every help you needed during the basics? And neither of us wants to get into the Military Police, so you are not threatening anyone's position in the top ten either. It's important to us that you are in your best shape."

"Armin's right" Eren agreed. "Only the best has a chance against the titans. You have to give your best."

"The weak has to go" Amy quoted the boy's words. "I understand."

Marco was right. He had to talk to Shadis while he could. He would tell him he was pissed at her that day; his words were born from annoyance. He would convince him that he should give Kalmbach another chance.

It was well past the training hours, somewhere around dinner. He heard the showers running when he left the building, along with the colourful swears, cursing the ice cold water. Jean could relate. Marco's words fell on him like a bucket of icy water, freezing him to the bones and never drying up.

Even his friend remained speechless for long minutes. That silence was more deafening than Shadis' humiliating bellows. It gave him too much time alone with his thoughts.

The walk to the wooden lodge was too long and too short at the same time. There wasn't enough time to think up new excuses but it was long enough to make him forget the old ones. When he knocked on the door, which cried under his clenched fist he wasn't even sure why he was there.

The door opened too fast revealing a tired man in glasses. Even though the lenses were covered with fingerprints his red eyes were still visible.

"What is it, Kirschtein?" he yawned not even trying to cover his mouth with his hand. Jean felt the urge to yawn too, but taking a deep breath he swallowed it down.

"I'm here to talk with chief instructor, Keith Shadis, sir."

The man nodded and shouted behind his back. "Oi! Keith! Kirschtein wants to talk to you!"

With that he turned back to the boy.

"There you go."

"Thank you, sir" he said, but the only answer he got was a wave off, before probably returning to his sleep.

Even though he had been here once, he forgot how small the place really was. So when Shadis appeared in the door a few seconds later, towering over him as if he was a titan himself, Jean found it difficult to talk.

"Wondered when you would show up" he grunted before stepping outside closing the door surprisingly quiet behind himself. "Let's not disturb them in there. We can talk outside."

Jean could only nod and step out of his way as he sauntered towards the training grounds. Jean regained his senses and caught up with him quickly. He couldn't afford to fall behind.

Jean was looking for the rights words when Shadis spoke up.

"Let me guess; you didn't mean a word you said."

Jean could only nod his head, his tongue incapable of forming actual words.

Shadis sighed before continuing to walk in silence. They hadn't changed direction, nor did they turn back.

"Marco told you about Emil, didn't he?"

Jean nodded again, only to let the silence engulf them again. They walked for minutes without a word, both of them deep in thoughts. At some point Shadis stopped moving and looked up to the darkening sky. It took another minute for him to break the silence.

"Have you ever wondered that maybe the Wasteland is not a curse?"

Jean looked up, finally founding his voice. "But it's the biggest humiliation."

"Humiliation" Shadis snorted. "You are all the same. Thinking you are so smart and know every single thing about the world. Let me tell you this once and for all. You don't know shit. You haven't seen a fucking titan in your life. You haven't fought them. I've spent more years killing them than you've spent living your pathetic little life."

"Humiliation" he spat again. "Don't throw big words when you don't know the meaning of them. You think the Wasteland is humiliating? Then you haven't seen you friends get eaten in front of you, screaming in agony for your help, while you stood there doing nothing but letting the image of their guts' burn into your head. Standing there, scared shitless, trying not to vomit all over yourself from the stench. Don't you dare to utter that word, before meeting your fallen comrades' families, telling them that you saw them die, but couldn't do anything to save them. That's what humiliation really is. Not getting a fucking chance to get away from this nightmare."

"So tell me, Kirschtein" he turned to the speechless white faced boy. "How many of you do you think will survive the first five year? Do you know what the statistics say? Twenty percent. If three hundred of you graduate that's two hundred and forty dead bodies. Do you truly believe that Kalmbach will be in that twenty percent?"

It was his chance. To tell him to change his mind. To prove him wrong.

But instead Jean silently shook his head, staring at the ground with a stoic expression.

A silent agreement.

"Don't think that we don't want the best for every one of you" said Shadis his voice softening at the sight of the boy. "This is why I don't care if the people I've put on the carts will despise me for the rest of their lives. I'm not letting them get slaughtered."

Saying his final words he put his hand on Jean's shoulders and squeezed it.

"You now understand why it's important to not lie about these things. Whether you like that person or not, you have to act in their best interest. Even if that means sending them to the Wasteland."

Jean finally found his tongue. "But maybe she'll get better…"

"Or maybe she will get killed" Shadis finished with a grim smile. "There is always a what-if lurking in in the unknown. But this is my problem to live with, not yours."

"I don't know what to do" he whispered.

"Don't look so glum or feel guilty. Concentrate on your training and only that. You have great potential, you hear me?"

Jean nodded and slowly looked up his eyes meeting his imposing ones.

"Cheer up, will ya'? You shouldn't worry your thick stupid head about this for now, just train hard enough to get into that damned Military Police, so none of this will directly affect you."

Jean's thoughts were filled with guts and blood that night, his dreams haunted by Shadis' words. When the morning assemble came he stood beside Marco in grim silence. His friend was worried, trying to get him look up from the ground and tell him what's wrong.

But he didn't look up.

.

.

.

Not once.

.

.

.

Not when he heard the cries of the exiles.

.

.

.

Nor when he heard the cry of hers.

A/N: Hey guys!

This was probably the most difficult chapter so far… I've never written angst before, so I hope it didn't sound fake or was too much. I would be really grateful for some constructive criticism on this part, so I could get better in the future. Whether it's cold or hot please share it with me.

Considering the plot, with the next chapter the prologue will officially end, so get ready for some action! I'm really excited about the next two chapters. Also get ready for even more angst.

And wow guys, four reviews! Thank you so much Akaneiro, Ivywind, dacymarie and the mysterious unnamed guest too. They really brightened my day! :)

And as always: English is not my native language, so if you find a grammar mistake, feel free to correct it!

Thank you for reading!