"Sometimes I wish I could wake up and not feel that awful, familiar ball of gut-wrenching dread at the thought of another day. Another day of smiling, pleases and thank yous, do this do that, grin and bear it, 'I'm fine', 'Get your head out of the clouds.' Another day of the same people and trivial problems and meaningless chatter and everyone's talking and no one's listening and no one is looking and no one see's anything. Another day of daydreaming about the futures, another day of feeling helpless and stuck. I wish that would all go away and I could be free to just travel, do what I want, think for myself, do something that scares me every day."
I read that off of my computer screen, and I smiled, a real smile. It was like someone had taken my diary, read through all the pages, and actually paid attention enough to know exactly how I feel and put it into words. But, I don't have a diary, and if I did, I wouldn't put anything important in it. What if someone had found it, and read it, and decided that I was in a serious state of depression and said I needed to go to "therapy"? That would not be fun.
I was smart, in a sense. I could lie to anyone's face, I could be on the verge of suicide – which I am – and no one would ever suspect a thing because I pretend. It's like, for me, life is a big game. I have to act fine, and put on a show for everyone else, and the whole time I have to make sure no one finds out that I'm pretending to be okay. It's not easy, believe me. But then again, in my life, nothing is.
"Iz, are you up?" I heard my mom yell up the stairs. I opened my bedroom door and yelled back down to her. "Breakfast is ready, come get it!" She yelled in response. I rolled my eyes and continued getting ready. Alex walked into my bathroom.
"Are you not eating?" He asked. I shook my head. "Why not? You could never pass up food, what gives?" He asked.
"I'm not hungry this morning?" I shrugged, straightening my hair. He rolled his eyes and walked out of my room.
I sighed and finished getting dressed. I wore pair of distressed skinny jeans, a Pierce the Veil t-shirt, a light gray cardigan, and a pair of black vans. I looked at myself in the mirror, cursed myself for looking hideous, and then left the house with Alex. He picked up his friends and soon I was squished in the back seat in between Jack and Rian.
"It's almost the end of senior year baby!" Alex whooped, pulling into the parking lot. "Too bad you've still got a year to go, little sister. Who ya gonna bum rides off of next year, you don't have any friends?" Alex teased.
"Hopefully I won't even be here by the end of this year." I mumbled to myself, flipping him off, and walking inside the school. Jack caught up with me and spun me around.
"Hey, you totally ignored me in the car, what's wrong?" Jack asked, looking into my eyes. Oh god, those eyes. I wanted to tell him everything right now, but I couldn't. I shook my head and kissed him.
"Alex is just annoying, that's all." I smiled, lacing my fingers with his. We walked to our lockers in silence, but it was comfortable.
I went to my first class, which was Algebra 2. I understood absolutely none of it, and had a run in with one of my ex-best-friends who decided that she was going to make her seat right beside mine. This meant that we would have to talk at some point in time, and I had been hoping it would be later rather than sooner, but she had other plans.
"Hey Izzy, why didn't you text me over the break?" She asked, "I mean, I would've liked to have heard from you. I heard about Daniel, and I wanted to know how you were holding up, but no one was ever home when I came over and you never replied to my calls or texts. Are you okay?" Brandie asked.
I just stared at her. 'Are you okay?' she had asked. Am I okay? Am I fucking okay? Do I look okay to you? Do I look happy, and upbeat, and chipper like I used to be? Do I look like I've been eating, do I look healthy? Do I look like I haven't cried myself to sleep for the past week? No, I didn't think so. So, no I'm not okay, bitch.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, I miss him and all…but he's gone now, and mourning over him isn't going to bring him back." I nodded. Why did you do that, you liar?
"You sure?" She asked. I nodded and started copying down the notes. I didn't pay attention I just copied down what was in the book, not letting anything sink in. When the bell rang I was one of the first ones out of the room. But, Brandie followed me. "Hey Iz, wait up!" She called after me. I turned around and looked at her. "Sit with me at lunch…unless, there's someone else you want to sit by…" She winked. I raised an eyebrow at her. "I saw you and Barakat, don't pretend that nothing's going on there." She laughed before finally leaving me alone.
In my second period, I sat next to some guy who thought he was hot shit, so I had to deal with him trying to hit on me the entire class. I rolled my eyes and got up when the bell rang, leaving him behind. In my third period, which was English, I sat by myself. Ah, peace, finally. I smiled to myself.
The teacher, Mrs. Jackson, assigned us a paper that was due at the end of the class. It was supposed to be about the worst thing that has ever happened to us and how it has affected us. I got out my notebook and started writing. I handed in my paper to the teacher once the bell rang.
I went to the rest of my classes and then, at the end of the day, found Alex in the lobby so we could go home. We were about to leave when someone came up behind us, and tapped my shoulder. I turned around and saw Mrs. Jackson.
"Isobel, we need to talk, about your paper. I've called your parents, they're on their way. I think it's best if you stay, too, Alex." She said grimly. We walked to her classroom and waited until my parents came walking in.
I swallowed and tried to remember what I had written, I was coming up blank. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and looked at the four faces in front of me.
"Mr. and Mrs. Gaskarth, today I assigned the class a paper. Their assignment was to write the worst thing that has ever happened to them, and tell me how it affected them. I think you should see what your daughter wrote." Mrs. J put the paper in front of my mom and dad, and they read it. Their faces went pale and my mom looked like she was on the verge of tears. What had I written?
Hey cutie pies, ;). Look, it's a cliffy. The next chapter will have the paper in it, just so you know! So, the big long quote thing at the top was something off of polyvore that I saw, it kind of…inspired me to write this chapter! I hope you liked it! Question: What's the worst thing that has ever happened to you, and how has it affected you? I know it's a difficult question for some, so you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. Reviews make me write faster. I love you guys!