As the tears flow down my face I remember the day my Dad died. I haven't thought about it in some time but I remember it like it was yesterday.
Flashback
It's the day after my sixteenth birthday and I'm taking a walk with my Father. We enter a park and head for the swings. Before we can get there a scary looking man shows up. He looks at my Father with hate in his bloodshot eyes. In a harsh voice he says "You ruined me! I'm gong to make you pay!" He then pulls out a gun and fires it at me. My Dad takes the bullet. The man runs away as my Father falls down. I look at him hoping he's still alive. He's bleeding really bad and I don't know what to do to help him. With fear in my voice I say "Daddy? Stay with me. I don't want to be alone. Please stay with me." He looks at me and with his dying breath he points to my heart and tells me "I'll be right here Song. Never forget that." I look at him knowing he's gone. I can't bear to deal with him gone. I can't. I hear sirens behind me as I run away from my only family. Later, in an alley, I cry bittersweet tears as my anguished shout of "No!" fills the air. In a tightly curled ball next to a dumpster I block out the sounds of sirens. The sirens that belong to the police that arrived too late to do anything for my Father.
End Flashback
I'm jolted out of my reverie by the sound of knocking. After wiping the tears from my face I ask who's there. I don't really want to deal with Bruce so I'm relieved to find out it's Tim. Once I let him in I notice that he's carrying a tray of food. A small smile arches the corners of my mouth as he says that he thought I might be hungry. Thanking him I dig in.
Noticing that I finished quickly he says "What WAS your life like three days ago?" "Well let's see" I tell him. "Three days ago I was an alley rat." He looked at me obviously wanting me to tell him more. I didn't want to. My long weeks in Gotham's alleys had built up a shell that rarely gets cracked. When I arrived in Wayne Manor I started putting my life there behind me. I didn't want to talk about it. Just thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. There are memories that I made there that are better off forgotten. I told Tim that I didn't want to say anymore about it in an ice-cold tone that surprised even me. He backed off after that taking the empty tray with him.
After Tim leaves I decide to get some air. I'd noticed a backyard during the tour he gave me. On my way outside Bruce stops me. He tells me that he wants to talk. I ask him if we can talk outside. Soon we're outside the Manor. With a bit of concern in his voice Bruce says "So Tim told me that you used to be an alley rat." Feeling slightly tense I tell him "Yeah, I was. Was being the key word. Your point?" Bruce looks at me and replies "My point is that's no life for anyone." I say "Yes, and I ought to know. But enough of that. What do you really want to talk about?" He says "Well, I was hoping that we could talk about you Song." I tell him that I don't like talking about myself. When he asks me why not I furrow my eyebrows and say "I just don't." After a long silence he tells me "Well maybe that will change someday." Then he heads back into the Manor. I stay outside for quite some time thinking about what Bruce and Tim said. Then my mind drifts to one of my days in the alleys.
Flashback
It's the day after my Dad died. I look around my alley exhausted. I did not sleep well at all last night. Probably because I was plagued by nightmares. Each one was of my Father's death. I spin my bracelet around my right wrist. I've kept it there ever since my Dad gave it to me. My stomach growls. I curse under my breath. I've been looking for something to eat since I woke up. That was about an hour ago and I still haven't found anything. I consider begging but dismiss it sure it would prove futile. I feel so helpless. I'm sure that there has to be someone in Gotham that will give me food. 3 hours later I completely doubt that.
End Flashback
Despite the warmth of the day I shiver. Ever since I've arrived at the Manor, I've been doing the best I can to put my time in the alleys behind me. I HATE having to remember it now. I look around the backyard. Even though there's nobody there I feel slightly nervous. My weeks in the alleys have messed up my fight or flight response a little. Upon looking around the backyard again I see the shape of a man in what looks like a garden. Not sure what to make of it I head over to him my defenses ready.
Once I get closer to the garden I notive the man is Alfred. From a fair distance away I say "Got a green thumb do you?" He looks up at me. I don't think that he expected to see me as he seems a little surprised. Pleasantly surprised but even so. He's smiling as he greets me formally. I've never been called Miss Song before. I don't think I care for it too much. I don't know what to say to him but I do tell him to just call me Song. Then I head back inside the Manor.I'm still not sure what to make of Alfred. However I can tell that he's a regular jack-of-all-trades.
When I arrive back in the Manor my acute hearing tells me that Bruce and Tim are having a conversation. About me. I listen in and this is what I hear. "She's built up a shell Bruce. Do you think Barbara could find a way in?" "It's hard to say Tim. There's no way of telling whether or not Song would appreciate the girl talk as I'm sure you would put it." "I can't believe that she used to be an alley rat." "Tim, I know that's the way she put it but..." "But what Bruce? It's not politically correct?" "That's not what I was going to say." At this point I open the door to their room and ask "Then what WERE you going to say? And while I'm at it who's Barbara?"
Tim looks somewhat sheepish. Bruce tells me that Barbara is Barbara Gordon. I furrow my eyebrows and say "The former police comissioner's daughter? You guys seriously expected me to open up to HER? I don't even KNOW her. What makes you think I'm going to let her in my shell as Tim put it?" Tim smiles and tells me "Everyone needs a friend. You don't have to let her in your shell but you can at least talk to her." Glaring at the two of them I say that I'll think about it. Then I march away not really caring about where in the Manor I go. But perhaps more than anything I want to find some place where I feel like I can belong. I kind of doubt that I will find one though.
Sure enough my search proves futile. To think I looked everywhere in the Manor and still din't find a place to belong is kind of depressing. Then again it just isn't home. Even though Bruce adopted me I mean. I just feel so alone. I sit on a couch and find myself thinking about my Father. I also remember one of my moments with him.
Flashback
It's my 13th birthday. My Dad comes into my room and says "Will you look at that? I can't believe my little girl's a teenager!" Smiling I tell him "You better believe it." He smiles back at me and replies with "Well it seems like just yesterday you were 12." Laughing I say "That's because yesterday I WAS 12. But I'm 13 today." In a slightly hurt voice my Father tells me "I know that." I smile as he asks "So what does my favorite teenager want for breakfast?" My Dad is a good cook. Soon I'm eating a stack of 13 pancakes. It's our special tradition. On my first birthday I got one pancake, on my second birthday I got two and so on. Once I finish the pancakes I ask if I can open my present now. Smiling he says "I don't see why not." He hands me an average sized box with blue wrapping paper on it. (Blue's my favorite color.) I open it to find two tickets to a baseball game. I thank him profusely. I've always liked baseball.
End Flashback
I smile at the memory even though I don't like baseball anymore. Without my Dad it just isn't the same. I try not to think about my Father. Mainly because I miss him. Really badly. As I sit on the couch alone another memory comes to mind. Like the previous one it comes before I can stop it.
Flashback
I'm 8 years old and I've had a nightmare. With tears threatening to spill from my eyes I run into my Dad's room as fast as my feet can carry me. Upon hearing me enter his room he looks up from his book and asks me what's wrong. When I tell him that I had a bad dream he asks me if I want to talk about it. I nod and then say "I dreamed that you d-died. I'm scared. I don't want you to die." He smiles and tells me "That makes sense. But you don't have to worry about that. I'll be here for you Song. Always." He gently wipes the tears from my eyes, hugs me, and says "Now get some sleep O.K? And if you have another bad dream just remember that I'll be there for you."
End Flashback
This memory makes me fight back tears. In a voice wracked with grief I say "Daddy you lied! You're not there for me anymore and you never will be! You're just gone and there's nothing I can do about it!" I punch the couch cushions and cry. Then I curl into a ball and try my hardest not to have any more memories of my Father. I used to treasure them but now they're just painful. Each one seems to serve as another blow to my broken heart. I think that's why I have my shell. Because I don't want my heart to broken again. I'm actually secretly afraid to let anyone in. I'm afraid that they'll get hurt too. Hurt so badly that they won't ever come back. Or perhaps even worse hurt like me. Broken and shattered like glass.
I hear someone approach me. I uncurl from my ball and look up to see Tim. He smiles and asks if I'm O.K. I wipe the tears from my eyes and whisper that I'm not. (I feel like Tim has made a small crack in my shell.) When he asks me why not I lie and say I don't know. Reading my mind he says that he misses his Dad too. I look up at him and slightly shocked I ask "How did you know?" He sits down beside me and says "Bruce told me your story. I just guessed. Do you want to talk about it?" I tell him "Not really." Smiling he replies with "I guess I can't blame you. Sore subject, huh?" I look at him and say "Oh yeah. You'd probably be surprised at just HOW sore it is." Tim tells me "Not really." For reasons I don't know I grin and say "Copycat."
I feel like my shell is slowly cracking as I talk to Tim. "So you're 16." "Yes." "Do you have your license?" "I don't even have my permit." "That's a shame. I bet you'd make an awesome driver." "I can drive a go-kart like nobody's business. Does that count?" "Kind of." "Do you have YOUR permit?" "Not yet." "So how long have you been living with Bruce?" "Long enough to know that he's got a lead foot. That's why Alfred plays chaffeur." We talk like this for a good half hour. Then Tim asks me if I want to watch a movie. I shrug my shoulders and say "I guess. What have you guys got?" He smiles and tells me "You'd probably be surprised at just HOW many movies we have" as he leads me away from the couch.
Soon we arrive at a cupboard which Tim proceeds to open. Sure enough there are A LOT of them. I notice one movie set off to the side in what looks like a place of honor. I look to see what it's called. The Mark of Zorro. Then I look around at the rest of the movies. They have all of the James Bond, the Lord of the Rings, the Harry Potter box set. There's just so many. I can't make up my mind. All of a sudden another memory invades.
Flashback
I'm 14 years old and it's Friday night. Movie night. My Dad smiles above me and says "All right Song. What movie should we watch tonight?" I point to The Fellowship of the Ring and tell him "That one." He tousles my hair and tells me that's a good choice."
End Flashback
Tim calls me back. He says "So what do you want to watch?" I tell him "I can't make up my mind. How about you choose one Tim? Surprise me." He smiles and replies with "All right." Later, I find out which one he chose. I've never seen The Avengers before but I feel a pang nonetheless. My Dad always liked Captain America.
After the movie's over I stretch my legs. I'm not sure that I'm ready to admit it but I really liked hanging out with Tim. I've never had a brother before and I think I like it.