Summary: Through all of the secrets and the lies, the betrayal and the pain, the destination was always the same. They were meant to be together.

Author's Note: So I tried not to leave you guys hanging for too long. I'm really interested to hear your thoughts on this one...it was very challenging to write because there's a very delicate balance between overreacting and under-reacting. I was aiming for the happy medium.

Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. And neither is the post I based this off of.

Chapter 6

She loved him. So much.

God, this would be so much easier if she did not, though. Would hurt so much less.

Kate sighed through her tears. This was why she had been so hesitant, so afraid to open up; because this was the kind of pain that came from giving your heart away.

She buried her head in her pillow, not bothering to stifle her sobs, not pretending that it did not hurt. Because it did. She felt numb, dull, and her chest physically ached. It was the worst pain she had felt in a long time, the worst betrayal since Royce. Combine those two together and she had no desire to get out of bed. Ever.

Kate lay there, face in the pillow, crying herself into a restless slumber. She tossed and turned, her dreams laced with images, their real words mixed with possible outcomes, none of which ended well. Add in a smattering of her mother and bits and pieces from the night Montgomery died, and she was an emotional disaster.

But when she slipped back into consciousness some time later, on the tail end of a dream in which Castle's body was wrapped around hers, she remembered why this was worth it. Why she was going to find a way to work this out. Because the time they spent together held some of her best memories. The things he made her feel made it worth the pain. And the way they loved each other made everything else seem insubstantial.

It was not, of course. This pain was real, her trust was damaged. But their love was stronger. This was not the first time he had hurt her and it would certainly not be the last. But it was something they could overcome, something that would make them stronger.

Kate rolled over, taking in her surroundings with puffy eyes. It was dark now, probably well after midnight, but her bloodshot eyes struggled to focus on the clock. The sounds of the city below seemed louder, the lights brighter than normal, probably a result of the pounding in her head, making her hypersensitive.

Now that she had had time to think and cry out the worst of the pain and anger, she understood. Knew that she would have done the same had the situation been reversed. There was nothing she would not do to keep him safe, to keep him alive. Nothing. And though she still thought he should have told her before now, she did at least understand his reasoning.

He had made a decision to protect her, and as much as she outwardly shied away from that, inside, she was touched. It scared her that he would put himself in harm's way, especially for a case like this, to keep her safe. But it was also a testament to how much he loved her.

However, he was going to have to stop. That much was clear. Nobody else needed to lose their life...or almost lose their life...to this twisted nightmare of a conspiracy.

And there was no way in hell that she was going to lose him. No way she would survive that.

But nevertheless, she understood what he had done. And once the betrayal wore off, she would probably even love him a little more for it...for looking out for her and keeping her safe. For always putting her first. Because no one else she had dated had ever been so selfless, so willing to give anything, for her.

Kate sighed, rolled over again. She wanted nothing more than to snuggle back under the covers, hide from the coming day, the situation she was sure to face. She was completely exhausted, even more worn out now than she had been before she fell asleep. But she was thirsty and freezing and had a terrible headache, so she was going to have to stop living in denial and get out of bed.

Sleepily, Kate made her way across the room, opened her door, intending to grab a glass of water. What she was not planning to do, however, was nearly trip over a set of legs that were sprawled haphazardly across the hallway

"What the...?" she gasped in surprise.

Her first reaction at seeing Richard Castle asleep in her hallway right outside her bedroom door was shock.

Next was anger at him for not leaving when she had asked him to.

Then came the guilt, the anger at herself for how she had treated him. Yes, she had been mad and yes, she felt betrayed, but she should not have walked out on him like she did.

And finally, she felt a familiar warmth spreading through her at the fact that he had stayed. Despite the way she had treated him, the hurtful things she had said, he was still here, waiting for her. Fighting for her. He still owed her one hell of an explanation, but she owed him an apology, too. A very heartfelt one.

Kate tiptoed over his legs and made her way to the kitchen for some water...her head hurt from crying and fighting and not really sleeping...and she really needed some ibuprofen. However, the distant sound of the faucet running was enough to rouse Castle from his own fitful sleep.

He stretched the crick out of his neck, looked around in confusion, taking in the light-colored walls and hard floor surrounding him, the open door to his right. And his own massive headache.

He pulled his legs in and was about to stand, head off in search of pain relievers, when Kate appeared at the end of the hallway, looking hollow and sullen. And that alone made his heart break all over again.

She froze, water glass suspended halfway to her mouth.

"Kate," he rasped, his throat dry from sleep.

"Don't." She held up her free hand, stopping him from rising. "Just...give me a minute."

She stepped over him, made her way back into her room and through to the bathroom for some ibuprofen. She grabbed the whole bottle, figuring Castle might need some as well, popped a couple into her mouth, chased them down with half of the water.

She chanced a glance in the mirror, immediately wished she had not. Her hair was a mess, her eye makeup was smeared all over, and her eyes were red and swollen. Lovely, Kate.

Then again, Castle had not looked much better, with his hair out of whack from running a hand through it, and his own eyes tired and empty. She thumbed away the worst of her raccoon eyes and then took a deep breath, knowing that like it or not, she had to face this now.

She made her way back through her room, found him still seated in the hall, back against the wall.

Wordlessly, Kate held out the ibuprofen and the water, and he took them from her, his movements stiff, careful to avoid any contact with her fingers. He poured a couple of the pills into his palm, washed them down with the remaining water, and set both aside to be forgotten, at least for the time being.

He looked up then, meeting her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't. Please." She could not deal with a loving apology right now.

"Just hear me out. Please," he almost begged.

Kate sighed. She was not sure his explanation would make things any better, but she owed it to him to give him a chance.

She leaned against the doorframe, hands crossed over her chest defensively. "Okay, fine."

"I did it because I love you," he said, deciding to just go for broke. There was no sense beating around the bush with this one, not when it was already such a messy situation.

"And you thought keeping a huge secret from me was the best way to convey that?"

Well, this was starting off well.

"I trusted you, Castle," she continued. "And I thought you trusted me, too."

"I do."

"Then why didn't you tell me before now?"

"Because I knew you'd start to dig."

"So you lied?"

"I didn't lie, exactly, I just," she fixed him with a glare and he paused, re-evaluated his word choice, "didn't mention it?" he offered.

"Call it whatever you want, Castle, but the fact is that you kept this information from me. Information that's very personal to me, because this is my case. She was my mother."

"And if I'd told you, you would have run right after them."

"It's my case, my life, and my decision."

Kate knew she was not being rational, but it was late and she was tired and angry and in love and not really thinking through what she was saying. This was entirely her emotions talking right now.

"And you're just being selfish if you think that's true, because it's not all about you anymore," Castle fought back. "It's not just your case. The moment they killed Montgomery, this became all of our fight. The whole team. And yes, it's your life, but maybe you should stop and think about the other people in your life, because there is a whole list of people who would be devastated if these guys got to you."

"It doesn..."

"And those people care about you, Kate, and, like it or not, they'll do whatever they can to protect you."

"I don't need protecting."

"They shot you, Kate."

"That doesn't mean..."

"We already almost lost you once, and I will not let it happen again." His voice was firm, left no room for argument.

For the first time since she stumbled over him in the hallway, Kate forced herself to really focus on her partner, and she could see in his eyes the lasting effects of that day in the cemetery. She could see the pain, the haunted memories, the lingering fear. Could see how keeping this from her had torn at him, slowly worn him down from the inside out.

Kate uncrossed her arms, slid down opposite him, ensuring that no part of their bodies were touching. That would be more than she could handle right now. She leaned her head back against the cold wall, felt her emotions start to stabilize somewhat as her body relaxed. Felt her brain begin to really comprehend what he had said, begin to understand just how hurt he was by all of this, too.

Because though he had betrayed her and she had every right to be angry, she was partially responsible for this situation as well. She was the one who had buried herself in this case many times before, had let it take over her life, all the while leaving him behind to watch her lose herself. It was no wonder he did not trust her. Because it was so close to her, too close, really, and amidst all the emotions associated with this case, there was really no room left for rationality.

"You still should have told me," she said again, less accusingly this time.

"You would have..."

"You don't know that, Castle," Kate protested, annoyed at him for assuming the worst even though he really had no reason to believe otherwise. "You asked me to step back for a while and I said I would."

"But if I'd told you there was a lead, you would have changed your mind."

"You don't know that," she repeated. "Do you really trust me so little that you think I would have run right back into the line of fire when I was still trying to recover? That I can't make my own decisions?"

Rhetorical questions, really, because she obviously knew what his answers would be.

"It's not..."

"I'm an adult, Castle, and regardless of your feelings for me, you don't have the right to make decisions for me. And you sure as hell shouldn't have hidden that from me."

"They would have killed you, Kate."

"You don't kn..."

"Yes. I do," he said firmly, stopping her mid-word. "Right after you got back to the precinct, a man called me. An old friend of Montgomery's. He said Montgomery sent him some files...files that are the only reason you and he were still alive. I don't know what they are, but if they get out, they would hurt some very powerful people. He was hiding them in exchange for the safety of you and his family. This man has them now, has them hidden. But if you start digging at all, they'll come after you again. I had to ask you to back off so that wouldn't happen."

He reached out, risked taking her hand. "You can't get back into this, Kate."

She jerked her arm away. "Yeah? And what makes you think you can?"

"They didn't say anything about me."

She snorted. "Right, because if you dig up the info, do you really think they'll hesitate to come after you, too?"

"I have connections, Kate. And I can always pass it off as book research."

"Yeah, until someone catches on, and then all of your 'connections' are in danger, too. You don't think, Castle, and I'm sick of it."

"You think I haven't thought this through?" he demanded, his voice rising again. "I know it's risky, Kate. And I knew you were going to be upset. But that's a small price to pay for keeping you alive. I watched you die once and I'm never going through that again."

"Right, so it's you this and you that, but what about me? You know I need these answers. You know how important this is to me."

"Which is why I'm trying to find the answers, Kate. I'm trying to put this thing to rest. For you."

"It's not your responsibility, Castle."

"Yes, it is. I'm your partner. Anything that affects you affects me too. And I'll do whatever it takes to protect you."

"I don't need..."

"They shot you, Kate, so don't even say you don't need it. Everyone needs someone to have their back."

"But I..."

"Your dad asked me to keep you safe. Did you know that? He came to me, asked me to make sure he didn't lose you to this, too. I almost failed. They almost killed you. I can't..." his eyes filled with tears at the memory. "God, Kate. I just...I wouldn't survive losing you. And neither would everyone else who loves you. You can be angry at me, but I stand by my decision to ask you to back off."

"That's not what I'm upset about," she said honestly, her voice softening a tad at the sight of his tear-filled eyes. "I'm angry that you kept it a secret. That I've worked so hard to get to a place where I trust you with everything but you don't trust me enough to be honest with me. I made sure we didn't go into this with secrets, Castle. I was making my best effort to be open and honest and to do this right. But now it doesn't matter because you couldn't afford me the same courtesy."

"Look, I screwed up, okay. And for what it's worth, I seriously considered telling you the other day, too. But you were talking about how you were working to let it go and I thought bringing it up again would have just made things worse for you."

"It might have," she agreed, "but it would have been easier to deal with then rather than now."

"I didn't know that. I was doing what I thought was best for you."

"I understand why you did what you did, Castle, but that doesn't make it right.

"I just...I'm sorry, okay. And I do trust you, but I made your dad a promise. And Montgomery. I just wanted to keep you safe, keep these guys away from you. But you're right, I should have told you. I'm sorry."

His eyes were honest, sincere, and she could see the change in them from just a few minutes earlier. He may not have said it aloud, but it was clear that he was afraid that she would dive back into the case now that she knew that there was more information. He was going to have to show her what he had found; on that stipulation, she was not compromising.

But because she knew him so well, could read the nuances of his facial expressions, she could tell that his fears were fading. That he honestly believed her when she said she was not going to run at the case. And perhaps that was why she also believed him now when he said that he trusted her. This was an issue that was not going to disappear overnight, and the damage from this fight would be with them for a while yet, but honesty and trust was a good place to start.

"You know, putting yourself in between them and me is not the answer," Kate said eventually.

Now that she had an apology and explanation for the main issue, it was time to face the other major problem; Castle's safety, or current possible lack thereof.

"What other choice did I have?"

Kate paused, mouth open. She did not have a good answer to that, really, besides the fact that he just should have stayed away to begin with.

"I don't know, but not this. I can't lose you, Rick," she admitted, her heart clenching painfully at the very thought of a life without him.

"Well, now you know how I feel."

Silence fell as they digested that information, accepted that this was something on which they were probably not going to agree. And they certainly were not going to come up with any kind of solution in the middle of the night.

"Come on." She stood after a few silent minutes, tugged him up with her. "It's late and I'm exhausted. Let's get some sleep."

He staggered upright as he made sense of her words, of the fact that her fingers were twined with hers. He would be sleeping in her bed, apparently. With her. Right after the worst fight they had ever had.

He was not complaining. Not at all. This was just not how he had expected the conversation to end.

Kate shut the door behind them, made her way to her bed. The path was lit by the city lights shining through the slats of the mostly-closed blinds, casting faint stripes of illumination across the room. Castle followed behind her, removing his jeans and socks, tossing them aside.

She crawled back into bed, rearranging the covers that had been tangled around her earlier, a result of her restless dreams. She straightened the sheet, felt the bed dip next to her as Castle climbed in and grabbed ahold of the other side of the blankets, pulling them up and around their bodies.

She lay down then, on her side facing him, and he settled next to her, reaching out but not quite touching her.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

She shrugged one shoulder, the covers rising and falling with her motions. "Ask me in the morning."

"Okay."

"I just need some sleep," she clarified.

They adjusted the covers, unknowingly shifted slightly closer to each other.

Castle reached out, covered her hands with his. "I love you, Kate. Even if you never trust me again, I want you to know that I'll always love you."

"I know," she breathed, too tired to even consider the permanence of the words 'always' and 'love you' in the same sentence.

Kate flipped one hand over, twining her fingers with his in between their bodies.

Castle lifted a hand to his lips, kissed the back of her palm. "Good night."

She smiled faintly, the first time since his earlier reveal, and he allowed himself a small smile as well. Things were not all dealt with. They had a long way to go. But Kate was in bed with him, holding his hand and smiling, and that was a very good sign.

"Night, Castle."

Thoughts?