Author's note: thank you very much for the suggestions and reviews, I really enjoy reading and replying to them.
December, 6th:
She told me that I was beautiful. As a matter of fact, she keeps on telling me that but I know that she is just trying to be polite. She thinks that she is forced to say so because this is what I asked if only indirectly, implicitly. It makes me feel bad and – at the same time – happy.
You have no idea what it is like to receive a compliment from the person you are in love with. There is nothing warmer. The words pass underneath your skin – embrace your veins – and reach your heart to never ever leave again. Then you feel strong, untouchable. It softens your life in the most beautiful way even if the sensation doesn't last.
I love when it is just Jane and I. When nothing else matters – the world could come to an end that I wouldn't notice the slightest thing – and time seems to get suspended. We don't need to do much but it gets me every time. I think that it is the fact that – by then – I know that she is mine. Just mine.
Nobody matters but me to her eyes. It is like a glimpse of something that I will never have properly. So I try to get the most out of this ephemeral lie.
The problem is when I start analyzing the situation, when I think way too much about it. It usually happens without any warning and hits me so strongly that I suddenly burst into tears. They hurt – burn – but are necessary. This is the only way for me to keep up with everything. Fantasizing about someone who will never be mine is one delicate task. The mere mistake can take you to the other – darker – side that crashes down everything and yelled at you to stop all this.
Because it is not what reality is.
I am not lying, though. I don't pretend that Jane and I are together. I don't subconsciously let any person around assume that we are in a relationship. I just dream about a parallel world where it could happen; where everything would be different. Yet it all stays in my head and helps me a lot when I have to face a life that doesn't necessarily reach my expectations.
We don't sleep together but this is a detail. We are a lot closer than many couples actually are. It is just a different level. A bit of a blurry one, maybe.
We barely spend more than a day far from each other, we share most of our evenings. We are more than welcome to our families' gatherings. We hold hands – at times – when a surge of boldness is stronger than the words people could say about us. We care for each other. We go on vacations – every since and then – together. People have a hard time to dissociate one from the other. We are a couple, to an extent. Just not the one that would entirely satisfy me.
But still, I am beyond lucky to already have what Jane has to bring me.
4.15pm
"Are you planning on adopting any of us?"
The question made Maura choke on her coffee.
Perhaps she should have followed Jane to take part in the sled competition that the Italian had set up for a group of children from the orphanage instead of staying in to converse with the ones who had declined the activity.
"We aren't here to make some sort of selection that would help us to choose one of you. This is not the goal of our volunteering. We just want..."
Amelia – a teenager who had been reading on the couch until now without taking part in the talk – looked up and shook her head.
"Lesbian couples can adopt, here, you know. This isn't a problem at all."
Maura blinked at the young girl, uncertain of whether she was surprised of finally hearing her voice or more by the comment that had come within it. Long seconds of silence floated around, carried by a dozen of faces that were now staring at the medical examiner with curiosity.
"I beg your pardon...?" Maura ran her tongue over her lips and let a nervous laugh hit the air as she tried to adopt a more casual position on her seat.
"Or bi. I don't know what you are but... Jane's not a guy!" Molly made a face before rising a hand in the air as if to apologize for her approximate comment. She cast a glance at Amelia and Lisa, one of the girls who had stayed inside. "Same-sex couples if you prefer. The center's fine with it."
"But Jane and I..." Blushing, Maura looked down at her cup of coffee and bit her lips. This was not something that she had expected. As a matter of fact, it had never happened to her before apart from their blatant lie to Giovanni but it was slightly different. "We aren't a couple. We aren't... We aren't together. Not this way."
This time, all the teenagers abandoned whatever they were doing to look at the honey blonde rather in disbelief.
"Seriously?! But... Nah, I don't believe you. Or you're just not ready to assume your story with her. Whatever it is, I refuse to believe that. Sorry but it's too obvious, Maura. And yet again, we are just fine with it. No big deal, you know. Love is love."
"The way you look at each other, the way you touch... That's gay, to me." Danielle made a face and shrugged before the expression she had used. "No offense."
"We are not together. We are not... There aren't this kind of feelings between us." Feeling a bit too alone to defend her idea, Maura straightened up and frowned in all seriousness. Yet the teenagers around her didn't seem convinced. She sighed. "There aren't mutual feelings. Love feelings."
This time, Amelia shut down her book and literally grabbed the scientist's hands to hold them tight. She shrieked.
"Oh my God! You're in love with Jane and Jane has no idea! I can't believe this! So cute and yet so stupid. What are you, woman? Blind? Don't you see the way she looks at you and such? Ugh. Girls, we so have to do something for them."
Before she had a chance to add something, Maura found herself lost among a group of ecstatic – if not just hysterical – teenagers plotting a way to bring Jane and her together.
...
7.45pm
"They didn't have that wine you wanted so I got you..." Bottle in hand – grocery bag under one of her arms – Jane stopped and frowned. "Are you crying?"
Maura turned around and shook her head.
"Not really. I mean I am peeling onions. There is not a single trick that works on me to prevent this from happening. You know that my lacrymal glandes are a bit sensitive."
Jane put down the grocery bag on the counter of her kitchen and rolled her eyes.
"Then stop and let me do. I don't..." She lowered her voice, shrugged. "I don't like it when you sob." She cast a brief glance at Maura and pushed her playfully with her hip on a side. "Now tell me why we need to peel onions. What's that recipe again?"
Her eyes red and puffy, Maura went to open the bottle of wine that the detective had just bought and grabbed two glasses.
"Tartiflette. It is a French dish, typical from the mountain sides; with potatoes – ham – onions and cheese. We could add a bit of crème fraîche but there are enough calories like that in the original recipe."
"No kidding."
Jane's comment made Maura smile. The truth was that she hadn't been sure of how she would react when seeing her friend again after the way things had turned out at the orphanage with the teenagers. It was delicate and had been a torture for her when the Italian had asked her what she had done while she – herself – had been out to the park with a dozen of kids.
As if trying to slow down the teen girls' enthusiasm from trying to get them together wasn't enough to deal with.
If Jane ever learned about this project, Maura would die at the scene. Nobody had to know anything about her feelings. Certainly not Jane. The brunette would feel so embarrassed that she would have a hard time finding out what to say. And then there was the rest, collateral damages on their strong friendship.
"I'm dead tired. Don't you feel old too when this happens? There was a time when I used to go out on Saturday nights. Now I stay in with you to eat like a pig and enjoy a movie or just a chat while sipping on some white wine. A dog by my side."
"This is the natural evolution of things." Maura sat down on one of the stools opposite Jane and let a bright smile play on her lips as she locked her eyes with her friend's.
"Do you remember the last time Cailin dragged us out, one evening? It took me three weeks to recover. Nope..." Jane shook her head, busy peeling the onions. "I'm old but the truth is... The way things are now, I like it. I wouldn't switch back to the life I had fifteen years ago. I like spending my evenings at home with you."
A timid flame fickered in Jane's eyes as she shrugged and finally grabbed her glass of wine for a sip. She raised it in the air, smiled at Maura.
"To the companion of my Saturday nights. Santé."
The medical examiner laughed and bent over the counter to grab a tiny bite of cheese. Her gesture made Jane gasp and snap her wrist.
"Maura! If you eat it all before we even prepare properly your freaking dish, don't complain I end up ordering a pizza afterwards!"
"I am hungry!" Maura bit her lower lip and shook her head happily before grabbing a second bite of cheese; this time just to tease Jane a bit more.
She wouldn't switch her current life for anything in the world either. Not when it went like that.