Sorry if the last chapter was rushed or a little dodgy! For some reason I felt compelled to finish it the night before my ancient history exam, probably not the best idea. Anyway, hopefully this chapter is a little better!
Thanks to those that reviewed, you know who you are, they really made my day!
Installment 6
James: normal
Sirius: bold
Remus: italics
Peter: bold and underlined
Lily: bold and italics
To Sirius: Do you want another pair of pink boxers for your coming-out party or do you want me to drug James and/or Remus and let them give you a striptease? Maybe I could even get you a nice bearded man. (Lily, I know this must somehow amuse you. I know your pain.) (rebornandrenewed)
Oh my, Padfoot, what a choice!
From what Remus has already told us I doubt he needs another pair of pink boxers. I must say, the striptease would be rather amusing.
And we could get Dumbledore to join in…send him your special request Padfoot.
That was a mistake! I did not mean to imply that I would 'do' Dumbledore.
It's ok, Pads, we all know you harbour a secret desire for men. We won't tell anyone.
Well, you might not.
Oh Evans you naughty girl!
You wouldn't!
Hmm I don't know. As long as you invite me to your 'coming-out party'.
Yeah that'd be a blast. I can picture it now…Padfoot surrounded by hoards of dancing men in long grey beards, all wearing nothing but pink boxers…
You left out the part where you and Remus do the striptease.
We're not wearing pink boxers, are we?
Nah we can wear manly black ones.
Oh that's better.
So, you're saying you wouldn't mind giving me a striptease, Moony? Eh?
Padfoot, I have no desire to resort to that. Particularly seeing as I have a number of female fans…
What?! Female fans?
Mm, it seems that there are a few who would prefer to date Moony than you…after that little bet you made last installment…
I don't believe it.
Well, let's see.
Firstly, there's LupinLycanLover, whose name I think pretty much explains it all.
What sort of stupid name is that?
I rather like it, actually.
Well, you would.
Particularly as they said, direct quote: You know Sirius is pretty f-ing hot...I won't lie but if I had to choose one of the marauders to date it would definitely be Remus...hands down, no questions asked
Ha!
Well at least she admitted I'm hot…
But she'd rather date Moony…
I don't see her wanting to date you, Prongs.
Yeah but she doesn't hate me either.
Oh, I think you must have jumped over the part where she said By the way James...get over yourself...you aren't all that great. Sirius and Remus have both got you beat. Sometimes the truth hurts...but you got to deal.
Ah.
Yes.
Well, I don't need her, seeing as I got you Evans!
In your dreams, Potter.
Did uh…anyone want to go on a date with me?
Hmm let's see. Well there was xXsweetmusicXx…Oh wait, no, she also said "I'd date Remus any day, he happens to be cooler than you…"
Then there was rebornandrenewed, who said your taste in lingerie was 'abominable'. That and she referred to your 'dignity and over inflated ego.'
Gosh Remus, you've outdone Mr. Sex God himself. How do you feel?
Well Lily, it's only a matter of time before Mr. Nice Guy wins out.
I'm going to bed…
It's only 9 pm!
Aww, Paddy is all heartbroken that for once in his life no girls want to date him.
Shut up Moony! I'm not happy with you right now!
You'll get over it.
I will not! This is a violation of our friendship!
How?
You've stolen my status as the most sought-after Marauder!
Hey hey hey, Padfoot, that was never you. That was me.
Well I think I can safely say that it's me right now…
That's just because I'm too obsessed with Lily to care about anyone else!
No, I think you're just a sore loser.
He's not a sore loser because he's not the one who's lost. This isn't even a contention between you and him. It's between you and me!
Fairly heavy competition, isn't it?
Just you wait, Moony. The author loves me. You don't see her name being 'RemusLoverr' do you? No! It's SiriusLoverr for a reason! Author! Help me!
You can't just ask the author to help you, Padfoot. That's just getting desperate.
I think she probably just made a mistake. Maybe her name was supposed to be 'Serious Lover' and she just can't spell properly.
Oh yeah, MUST BE IT.
…
-sigh- shall we just let them fight over who is the hottest Marauder?
Mm I think so Peter. Don't worry, after all, you were the first one to be asked for a date.
Oh yeah! I was wasn't I? Oi, guys! I'm in contention too ok?!
James,
There's this person I like and I can't stop thinking about that person what do you think I should do seeing as you have an infatuation with Lily?
P.S. I Asked Lils to give you a chance! (Mood-chan)
Thanks Mood-chan, I know you asked her. I doubt she'll ever come around though.
Hmm maybe if you stopped having, what did she say, 'an infatuation' with me, I would 'come around'.
Right. So if I walked around ignoring you all day you'd fall hopelessly in love with me.
No. I would never fall hopelessly in love with you. But I probably wouldn't see you as an annoying git.
Hmm, well it's a start, Prongs.
Well, Mood-chan, I would offer my advice for this situation but it seems I'm pretty unsuccessful at getting girls I like. So I doubt I'd be of any help.
Well seeing as you can't answer it, I will. Be nice to her, don't annoy her, don't act like a prick to other people, actually talk to her rather than making sexual innuendos at every possible moment, don't hang around with morons…
Hey! He doesn't hang around with morons.
Sorry, typo there. It should've been 'don't hang around with morons like Sirius Black.'
So if I wasn't friends with Sirius, you'd consider going out with me?
Don't even think of ditching me, Prongs. I'll hurt you.
No, Potter. He is simply one of many reasons.
Other girls don't seem to mind…
That's probably because they're sluts.
Or, they're really smart and have realised that I'm the hottest piece of man on earth.
(Who has now been replaced by Remus Lupin)
Shut up Moony, you're not helping!
Why is everyone telling me to shut up today? It's usually Sirius…
Because I'm not being a little twit.
No, you're just being an egotistical blockhead.
My you guys are argumentative today. You could give James and I a run for our money.
How about we switch roles? Moony and Padfoot can argue like hell, and we can get into some hot and heavy lovemaking…
Prongs, you realise you just implied that Sirius and I are in a sexual relationship?!
Oh, whoops. Slip of the tongue.
That's cos we are, Moony my friend.
Ergh. I'd rather join Lily in the garbage with Peter.
See, after a while it doesn't seem so unattractive, does it?
Have you ever been payed back by anyone who you have pranked with a taste of your own medicine? (eg. pranked by severus -sigh-he's so cute!-sigh- (wannariskit)
This person is obviously delusional.
Yeah, they think that we, the Marauders, Gods of Pranking, may possibly have been pranked back.
Well, I was more talking about the fact they think Snivellus is CUTE.
Well, have you? Been given a taste of your own medicine?
Not by Snivellus, that's for sure. He's too stupid to prank us back. I mean, uh…he's too…nice to prank us back?
Hmm. Nice save, Potter. Being civil isn't really embedded in your personality is it?
We got pranked back by the teachers once. Remember?
Oh yes, that was hilarious.
Of course! The time we snuck into that pub in Hogsmeade…
You snuck into a pub in Hogsmeade?!
I know, quite an amazing feat actually.
Damn it, I've been trying to get in there since second year.
What?!
Evans…you tried to sneak into a pub?
Yes Potter, contrary to popular belief I am not the uptight Miss Perfect you think I am.
Oh, trust me, Evans, that makes you a lot more perfect in my eyes…although, you should've enlisted the help of the Marauders.
Evidently. What happened though, after you snuck in?
Oh, well Wormtail gave us away. You see, we took some Polyjuice Potion to look like the teachers…
I was McGonagall. She really does have a great figure under those robes you know…
I'd rather not know.
I was Dumbledore. Moony was Flitwick and Wormtail was Sprout.
Except it backfired when Professor Dumbledore actually walked into the pub and spotted him.
Yeah, he'd just been talking to Professor Sprout in Zonko's apparently.
So he kicked you out?
Nah old Dumbly's a good old chap, he let us have our fun.
But the next day when we got to Transfiguration, McGonagall had transformed herself into Padfoot!
Ah, wouldn't you just love me to teach your lessons all the time. You know what that means, Evans. McGonagall and I have practically seen each other naked.
No one needs to hear that, Padfoot. Anyway, then the next morning in the Great Hall, Dumbledore got up as me, and danced around the hall wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxers with Quaffles on them.
And why on earth did I miss this?
I have absolutely no idea. It was probably during your mad phase of studying for NEWTs.
Yeah it was a little scary, you never even came to the Great Hall to eat.
Yes but I did well, didn't I?
Not much better than me.
How smart are you really...compared to your fellow classmates? (I always thought the smartest people were in Ravenclaw.) (for Moony, Lily, Padfoot) (LupinLycanLover)
Hmm well I'd say we're all pretty smart. Yes, you'd think the smartest people would be in Ravenclaw.
I like to think we're so well rounded we're smart AND courageous.
Yes, I've often wondered why you're in Gryffindor when you possess neither of those talents.
Oh, Padfoot is deceptively smart. Remember, we all beat you in that Charms assignment…
Yes, but that's only because…never mind.
What?
Nothing.
Fine, fine. Well, I'd say I'm pretty average, I guess I just work a lot harder than most people, which makes up for it.
Yeah, and Padfoot is incredibly lazy, so he still gets alright marks despite doing next to nothing. I think the Ravenclaw's are the ones who enjoy school? Maybe they like working, but are not necessarily the smartest.
Yeah that's probably it.
Sometimes I wonder how on earth Wormtail got into Gryffindor.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Padfoot, I don't know either. I like the colour red? Maybe that's it.
To Peter: Thank you ever so much for the date and clothing choice.
I was afraid that James would make me wear that horrible pink number that Sirius sent me. It smelled of him. Speaking of which, Padfoot, your taste in lingerie is abominable. You really do make a nice and sexy pillow though, Petey. A repeat date, perhaps? (rebornandrenewed)
Padfoot you sent him pink boxers too? I wondered where those came from…
Yeah I got some also.
Damn, I missed out. So, how was the date, Peter?
Oh, it was quite good. It was a little uncomfortable, though…there were lots of couples there.
Yeah, that's the thing about Madam Pudifoot's unfortunately. Did you guys stay there the whole time?
Yeah, I didn't really want to tell her that I wanted to go outside…
Oh Peter, I'm sure if you'd said something she'd have happily gone.
This kid sure wants to get around though. Wormtail, I'm not sure she's entirely faithful to you…
To Remus: Want to go out? No offense Peter, but I feel bad for the lad. Sure,LupinLycanLover might've already taken the offer for the date, but I think he needs one too. Or two. Anything to strip Sirius of his dignity and over inflated ego. So yeah, a date?
Ah.
Notice how she'd date Remus and Peter but neither Sirius nor James. I find this incredibly hilarious.
Oh ha dee ha ha. I don't see you getting any dates, Evans.
Well I would certainly hope not to be getting date requests from women, Black. Maybe that's why you're not getting any, seeing as you're not heterosexually inclined, and our reviewers are female…
I don't really know how to take this. I can't really go out with all of them, can I?
Sure you can, Moony. Or, you could just reject them all and reveal your undying love for me. In my opinion, that's your best option.
Moony, why have you not made a move on Padfoot yet? You know he's waiting for you. (IceSnowAndGlamour)
Good question! She also asked why I haven't made a move on Moony yet, but I already have, and I know he's waiting for me…
Padfoot don't be absurd. This is really getting quite ridiculous. I am not secretly in love with you!
That's what you keep telling yourself, Moony.
-sigh- I don't believe I have ever given anyone inclination to think that I am gay. The only explanation is that Padfoot is incredibly distraught by his lack of recent female action and has resorted to diverting from the straight and narrow.
Huh?
Translation English to Dumbskull: You're so desperate you're hitting on your best friend who happens to be male.
Ah. Could be it. Oh I'm so sexually deprived right now!
When was the last time you had sex?
Last week. I know, I know, it's TERRIBLE.
--raises eyebrow-- Last week you say?
Yeah and it was a Hufflepuff too. I must be getting desperate -wails pitifully-
Don't be a baby, Padfoot.
Life isn't fair! I can't live like this! I'm losing my Sex God status, Moony is getting more girls than me, and I have to face the possibility that I may possibly be gay!
Gosh, you sound like a normal teenage guy. Your life really must suck.
Moony, I have already told you I am not happy with you right now! I am considering doing a Lily and storming out of here.
I did not storm out, I simply left to finish some homework at a very awkward moment.
Yeah, and who would compete with me for dates?
Oh, I don't know, why can't Peter? Even he's getting more dates than me right now...
Yeah, it's great!
Everyone thinks I'm weird. I am weird, actually. How do I get people to STOP BOTHERING ME ABOUT IT? (IceSnowAndGlamour)
You're weird. You'll never have a chance at a good life. Resign yourself to it now.
Ignore him, he's depressed and in desperate need of sex.
Well, I doubt you're weirder than any of us. I mean, Sirius is an emotional crybaby, James is a lovesick puppy, I'm a werewolf and Peter's just…
Peter.
Exactly.
What did you just say? You're a what?!
Oh shit. I mean…crap…Oh no? Oh dear? Oh heavens?
He didn't mean literally. He means he's unusually hairy.
Unusually hairy?
Yeah look at all that disgusting leg hair. It's repulsive.
We tried to wax it a while ago, but there was just so much of it nothing came off.
And it's not just on his legs, it's pretty much all over his entire body. Like down there, for instance…
Black! I do not need to know details about Remus Lupin's nether regions! Now please, change the subject.
--mutters darkly-- I'm going to kill you guys…worst possible excuse ever
What was that?
Nothing, Lily.
Never take your shirt off in the presence of me. Ever.
Ok, but I'm really not –
Shut up, Remus.
Ok, ok, shutting up. Once again. (Padfoot and Prongs are SO dead…)
What do you do if your friend asked a guy out simply because she knew you liked him? (SpontanuousChickie)
Hmm, she's obviously no friend of yours.
That's like me asking out Evans.
Yeah. Which you would never do, ever, because you live in my house and I would charm your bed so that in the morning you'd wake up with a faceful of boils. Actually not just a faceful…how about boils all over your body?!
Prongs, mate, I was just trying to relate to the question. I would never ask Evans out. I don't go for redheads anyway.
You would if she wanted to do you though, wouldn't you Padfoot? Like right now…if a beautiful redhead with really long legs walked straight up to you and invited you to her dorm…
Moony! Stop provoking me!
Well, you should learn to control those hormones of yours.
Just because you are an asexual being, Moony, it doesn't mean everyone else is. I have needs.
I am not asexual, Padfoot. And your needs happen to be a lot more…sexual than anyone else's.
AHEM. In answer to the question that was asked, I'd say ditch the friend, she's obviously jealous and not worth your time. And Black, I'd say Remus has every right to provoke you after years of you rubbing it in his face that you're the sex god of Hogwarts.
Why do you call Moony and Wormtail by their first names and treat Prongs and I like we're mere acquaintances.
Because they're nicer than you. If you were nice people, I would call you James and Sirius.
But we're insufferable morons, right?
Something like that, yes.
We're sexy ones, though.
No.
No? Are you sure about that, Evans?
Quite sure, Potter.
What if you saw me shirtless, would you change your mind?
I doubt there'd be anything worth seeing underneath, Potter.
Oh really? How about this?
Oh for god's sake James, put your shirt back on, we'll have hoards of giggling members of your fan club in here.
CORRECTION: hoards of the joint fan club of Padfoot and Prongs aka JSFC. So Moony, do YOU have a fan club?
Shut up Padfoot! Lily's blushing!
At the mention of hoards of giggling girls?
No, at the amazing sight she just witnessed!
Don't flatter yourself, Potter, I'm embarrassed for you, that's all. Now put the damn shirt back on!
Oh alright. I'll give you a private show later…
From what I've heard, they're quite good.
Oh Merlin…why did I ever agree to join this stupid advice column in the first place?
Thanks for reading! If you have any questions, please review and let me know. Suggestions and criticism are also much appreciated. The Marauders would like to conduct a poll as to what will occur over the next few chapters in the regards to the following:
Should James and Lily get together?
Should Remus and Sirius get together? (I know I have reviewers who are both slash and non-slash fans, so whichever way I go someone will be unhappy)
Should Lucius Malfoy join the column? (I would really like to put him in even just for a chapter, I think it would be quite funny. So if you have any 'darker' questions, he can answer those!!)
There's also Snape…I could put him in. Although, never fear, they would only be special (if unwanted) quests. This remains the MARAUDERS' guide to life.
Anyway so if you review this chapter, let me know what you think in regards to these things. Thanks!
SiriusLoverr