A/N: YES, I AM UPDATING! WHAT IS LIFE?! DaVinci once said that he could only paint when he was inspired. It took me awhile to work through some things to actually write more of this story-bear in mind it's not a lot-but it's something. I hope you all enjoy! There may be more coming or there may be another year to wait, either way, I hope you all have stayed faithful and not left me because I suck! :) Thanks so much for all the support and reviews and PM's about the advancement of this story! With so much love, FH

When there is something seriously wrong with you, there are two possible things that can happen. The first: everyone knows there's something wrong, but can't even guess semi-close to what the hell is wrong with you. Or there is the case, which I fell into, in which only a thousand-year old warlock could know what was wrong with you. In that moment, with Magnus' hands flaming forth like the fury of God, I knew instantly that he had already seen the monster clawing within me. The demons that hid beneath the corners of my mind were laughing dry and miserable laughs, while the fly that had been silent was reunited with its desire to drive me utterly insane. My knees buckled and then I was falling through time and space and gravity had ceased to exist.

Clarissa, I will always love you… Her hands stroke my face gently, while Luke looks over my crib with a loving smile on his face. Clary! Catch! Simon throws the ball to me, his aim is skewed, but I somehow manage to lunge so skillfully and athletically we both gawk. You are a shadowhunter, Clarissa Fray, do you have any idea the amount of power that courses through your veins? The blood of an angel. No, my darling, the blood of Lucifer himself. A scream so loud and violent like the night rips through my golden-tinted memories and then I collapse in the petals…And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Signify nothing. Signify nothing. Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.

You will never live to see the light of God, Clarissa Fray. NEVER. "Magnus, what the hell is happening to her?! MAGNUS! HELP HER!" We are all empty boats on the stream of life, floating towards the final cliff of death. But that's the beauty of it. We get to decide where our boats go, right? Right?! His laugh resonates like fire in the pits of hell. Oh, Clarissa, do you really think life is like a stream? You are controlled by God. He has you all attached like puppets on strings. You will no longer be His puppet. You will be mine. "CLARY, WAKE UP! Oh, my God, I-I… Clary!" You think the angel blood that courses through your veins makes you privileged? As if you are the Chosen Sons of Heaven? No, my dear, that's why you are so desired by the demons of Hell… You will fall so much farther in the descent because of your golden blood, the blood of Raziel, the blood of the Angel.

Please, stop. Please. PLEASE! JACE, SAVE MEEEEEEE! JACE! CLARY, I'M COMING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JACE, NO! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK—What have you done? I didn't do it… I swear to you I didn't do it… Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please… No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You can't. You can't leave me… Jace, you're my utter being… Clarissa, if I let you go, you'll drown in the sea of your fucked up mind. Maybe, I want to. One word. One word. One single FUCKING word that ruined EVERYTHING. ONE WORD THAT DESTROYED EMPIRES AND LIFE AND DEATH AND SANITY AND HAPPINESS AND EVERYTHING ITSELF. ONE WORD THAT HAS CAUSED THE DESTRUCTION OF TIME. ONE WORD THAT HAS RUINED YOU. ONE WORD THAT HAS RUIND ME. YOU ALL RUINED ME. I RUINED ALL OF YOU! Clarissa, sweetheart, look it's a little birdy! Look, it's going to fly away… Mama? Yes, darling, what happens to us when we die? Well, we all become angels and we go to heaven, honey. A laugh like poison and I wanted to run a cruel and malicious smile to you more than I ever wanted to run to anything. And here's the funny part—you ready? He said with a smile on his lips and a thunderous voice that made me believe that the entire world was falling apart. He was the King of Evil. The King of Deciet. The King of Hate. Dante was right: Satan was the ultimate traitor. Of course, I'm ready. I laughed at him, placing my head I in the crook of his neck. He smelled like the sun. Because you were everything to me. What am I now? He smiled sadly and looked up at the sky. His face was full of beautiful dark circles and elegant swoops. You're more than that, Clary, and I don't know how I'm ever going to live without you. Blank eyes. Jace is dead. I'm dead. Simon is dead. Isabelle is dead. Magnus is dead. We're all dead. And so are you. Blank eyes that stare into the hideous blackness of the time and eternity. Blank eyes that rot after a while under the dirt. Blank eyes that have worms crawling from the edge of your shirt.

You're going to like being dead, Clarissa Fray. You're going to like it a lot. What the hell are you talking about? I already am dead. No, you're not… You haven't lost him, the one you love most of all. They all manically laughed while they remained chained to the wall, their pressed and broken crowns causing black blood to spew from their crows. We all exist in your mind, Clary. We're wherever Hell exists. And Hell is everywhere in your mind. The King wants him. Why? Because he's the golden boy… Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehe. He's the golden boy of the forefather—Michael. Raziel founded the shadowhunters. Heheheheheheheheehehe mayyybeeee… But Michael is the angel that protects him, personally. Michael the right hand man of God, Himself. Even the King is afraid of him. We kill him, we kill Michael because they are one. What are you saying?! He is Michael's blood and Michael is his blood. That doesn't make any sense. THEY ARE ONE, CLARISSA FRAY. THEY ARE ONE.

Did you ever want kids? We sat on the edge of the dock with our feet dangling over the side. There were small silver fish dancing beneath the surface of the water, their tiny bodies moving like shooting stars across the night sky. He laughed slightly and looked down at the water, a small smile still pulled at his lips. Honey, if you haven't noticed, I kind of have some serious Daddy-issues. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be a good father. If we're really being honest here, I think you'd be a great father. His face went hard and he blinked, his eyes staying closed for a long moment. How? His voice sounded choked and clouded. How could you possibly think that of me? After everything I did to you… After everything that happened. My hand instantly went his arm as I gripped it gently. He opened his eyes and moved to look into mine. Because you are the greatest man I know, Jace Lightwood. You are a douche bag, a asshole, and a total asshole—again! We both smiled at that. But you are beautiful, do you realize that? I mean, you would do anything for someone you loved, Jonathan, because that's what you do. A love like that… That love is the greatest love ever known and that's why you would be the greatest father. To your children. To my—what?! No, Clary, I don't want kids unless they're yours. What are you saying? Jace, we can't just— No, I don't mean, now, Clary, of course not. But when you're done being a prude and actually sleep with me and realize how good I am in bed, maybe we could have some kids, settle down, raise them… Do you really mean that? Baby, anything to do with you… I will always mean that, with everything inside of me.

But we were too broken. We were too sharp and jagged. We were too lost and confused. We were too crazy. Oh, sweetheart, no. He's not the crazy one. Heheheheheh YOU ARE! YOU FUCKING INSANE BITCH! YOU FUCKING CUNT! JESUS, CLARY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! What was that word? ONE WORD RESONATED INTO MY MIND FOREVER. WHAT WAS IT?! I AM A SLUT. I AM A BITCH. I AM A FUCKING PSYCHO. I AM A WHORE. I AM A BITCH. I AM A FUCKING CUNT. A DIRTY CUNT. You dirty bitch, all you ever did was sleep around. You never actually cared, did you? I NEVER CARED ABOUT ANYONE. NEVER CARED. NEVER CARED. NEVER. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVVVVEEERRRRRRR.

"What was the one word, Clarissa?! What was it?" TELL HIM WHAT IT IS, CLARY, TELL HIM. DON'T LET IT FESTER… TELL THEM. One word. One tiny little word. Falling from the grace of God. Falling from the arms of greatness. Falling from the arms of destiny. Falling from arms of redemption. I am lost forever in the petals of my roses. I want the roses to bloom in June, not August. August is too far a way. Roses bloom in August because it signifies the death of summer… The last chance of life before winter comes and destroys everything in its path. But I want the roses… NO. TELL THEM THE WORD. TELL THEM THE WORD. TELL THEM THE WORD.

My body went rigid and I sat up with strength unknown to man. My body was twitching and shaking, while the utter delusions running ramped in my head were slowly killing me. My mind was suffocating. I was going to die. I knew it was the time. My head jerked back and I fought against it, I fought against it all, but I couldn't. My lips parted and black vile shot out across the walls and the clean marble floor of the infirmary. Jace was by my side reaching for me, but they wouldn't let him touch me. They wouldn't let him come near me. They wouldn't let him ever kiss me… They wouldn't let him fix the pain. Because I was in Hell and not even Jace could fight Hell.

"What is the word, Clary?" Magnus was shaking my shoulder. "Tell me and I can stop them. Tell me. Now!"

"I-I can't… I can't… One word… One single word… One word that will forever live on in infamy as the saddest word of all time… Time and silence forever forgotten… My life is shattered like the pieces of the frame of my family… LUKE I'M SORRY! LUKE!" My legs violently thrashed out as I fought against the forces of my mind. My bright green eyes were leaking violent tears of blood and dirt. My body had turned to the color of blue. I should have died. Who was I kidding? I was dead.

Jace grabbed hold of my body and he brought me into him. His entire body encompassed mine and then he spoke. "Clary, listen to me…" NO DON'T LISTEN… ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD ONE WORD. "I will fight for you until the moment my last breath leaves my cold, dead corpse, do you understand? I will fight with everything inside of me because you're mine, Clary. You're not his… Your not his, you're mine, and you always were. Don't you get that? Now, come back to me, baby… Come back to me…" The hurricane was about to swallow me, the darkness of death about to suffocate me, and the tsunami of peril was about to wash me away, but then it stopped. Everything simply calmed and my head lolled to the side and against his chest. I was so exhausted. So utterly exhausted. "Sleep…" I whispered.

"Oh, God, Clary…" Jace closed his eyes and a small tear leaked out from the corner of his eye. He buried his face in my frizzy carrot-colored hair. I didn't want him to cry. I didn't want him to love me. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted to be alone and away from him. I was toxic to him, poison in his golden veins.

But the word… The word had to be said. The one single word that had haunted me since last summer… The word that had ruined me in one fell swoop of grace and violence. It had changed me inexplicably and inexorably forever. It had killed me like a knife shoved on either side of my chest, stopping my heart. The Clave had found out. They had taken Jace away from me… The word no longer was simply a noun of harsh and terrible cruelty…it defined me. It became what I was. It drowned me in its rashness and malevolence. It was the nightmare that would never allow me to wake up from. It was the single and most tumultuous moment of my life, and from it, I felt myself cave within. My heart gave up, my breath gave up, and my entire body went limp. It was in that moment that the voices began… The voices of Hell. They knew all along what I had done, and they were going to mock me forever as if I was their prisoner. In some cases, I was… I was trapped within the word. Words are not simply words. Anyone can say them, write them, and teach them… But when they become an action, a choice, a lifestyle—they change from a written word to a reality. Words are reality. And this word was mine. The word that resonated on forever in the darkness of my mind. The word that had changed the world as I knew it. The word that had made me forget what it felt like to breathe. The word that robbed me of everything I knew and loved. The word that took my name. The word that crushed my permanence on this Earth so that I was forced to pretend to simply exist, rather than live. The word that changed me from flesh and blood to ice and paper. The word that was full of beautiful August roses full of desire and lust, but sharp with the thorns of sin and pain. The word…the single most excruciating word of the English language.

"Rape…I was raped." It left me like the last breath of my dying body. It was almost like I could see the word floating through the air, forming into the monstrous mess it had made. I felt the monster within me scream and begin to murderously tear at my stomach in anger. "Rape…rape…rape…" I found myself saying it over and over again. I needed to get it out of my body. "Rape. RAPE!" I screamed into the open air. "HE RAPED ME! HE RAPED ME AND THEN HE KILLED LUKE! HE KILLED ME! HE KILLED ALL OF US!" Everything was spinning and all I felt was Jace, trying to keep me tied to the Earth. But I wasn't on Earth, anymore. I was in Hell. And then I was gone in the darkness of my new and broken reality.