Year One
By: MusketeerAdventure
Chapter Six: Empty Page
Summary: Jack finds an unexpected value to survival. These are missing moments from the season one episode 'Brief Candle'.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival." – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.
Sara.
Then there was nothing. The remainder of the page was stark, blank … empty.
Hours ago, despondent; sensing the end was near, he had written her name; and then could find no words to fill the page. Emotions raw and rising to the surface, he wanted to leave her with something. Say something that would explain his absence – fill in the inevitable blanks Stargate Command would leave open to interpretation. Say something that would convey his sorrow, his guilt, his love… always.
Only the pen would not touch the page. It just hovered; suspended in air … unable to translate his thoughts into the written word. Slight tremors, a product of aging gave him pause, so he spread his fingers out to first consider the knotted and swollen joints; then to ease the stiffness.
He was uncertain. Where should he begin? How was he to express this ever present ache of loss that never abated? How to write … 'I am dying'; 'I'm sorry'; 'It was my fault'; 'You are right to blame me'; 'I blame myself'; 'I love you.'
Hand trembling, Jack placed the journal down and laid his pen carefully beside the blank page.
His predicament was clear, and he wondered how to address it without expressing bitterness or resentment. After all he had done this to himself. There was no one to blame, he had willingly opened himself up to his own demise – then and now.
Vision clouding over with cataract, gait faltering, unsure of his balance; his prostate well … he was old. He had aged from forty-five years old to eighty in a fort night. Hair – white and flowing; arthritic hands; knees creaking – back bowed he felt every bit an elder statesman. And when he looked in the mirror, saw his father and his grandfather before him. The transformation from being in the prime of his life to now nearing the end was painful, and not just physically.
Studying his hands, he sighed deeply. They were foreign to him; wrinkled and sprinkled with dark spots.
The irony of growing old in the blink of an eye while Charlie … his beloved Charlie stood still in time; always eight, always a child – forever vibrant was not lost on him.
His careless mistake had stolen his child away from his mother; stolen his youth, the trials of becoming an adult, the joys of falling in love, contributing to society – embracing parenthood; the acceptance of past transgressions that old age brings.
Staring down from his seated perch at the destroyed statue of Pelops, Jack frowned and covered his face. He should have guessed something like this would happen. When finally he opened himself up to feel affection for another, to accept tenderness in return– it was a disaster. It had cost him his life. He deserved this.
"You love her still" Kynthia whispered as she grasped his hands, then pulled them down to search his face.
Startled from his thoughts, Jack could not speak, only squeezed her hand in return and remembered her warmth given freely out of love. Her courage to present the marriage cake – to seek companionship from someone like him; a stranger who did not understand himself was astounding. If this had been another place or another time, maybe… he could see his way to feel happy, live freely the last of his one hundred days and call her wife.
"You are beautiful", he croaked out; swallowing the lump in his throat – his voice unrecognizable to his ear.
Looking into her eyes, resigned to this reality, he cupped her cheek and mused aloud. "It wouldn't be such a bad thing to spend my last days here with you." Smiling, she kissed his lips and together they left the temple to walk beyond the borders of Argos.
Kelno'reem usually brought him peace, rest or measured contemplation that led to if not answers, then much needed solace; mercy … silence. Kelno'reem usually soothed the symbionte within him – who impatient for autonomy would at times attempt to give an opinion or sway his judgement … as it did now, with imagery, color or sounds from a past he knew nothing of.
Impatient himself, he closed his mind to the interruption and gave up for the moment on Kelno'reem.
Opening his eyes and standing up from the floor, Teal'c scrutinized his stark surroundings. Practically bare, the accommodations provided him contained a bed, one chair and a table to fill the space. He didn't need much and with his own indulgence of candles, lit them one by one; and then placed them about on the floor to help relax him and give the room a spectral glow.
Everything was just as it should be and was primed for meditation. Kelno'reem should come easy… only he could not relax. His heart was heavy. His mind raced with worry of useless solutions to a problem he could not solve. Colonel O'Neill was growing older by the hour a universe away and would soon succumb to the ravages of time … no matter how artificial.
The Colonel, this man – maybe even his friend was dying of old age.
He understood this well. He knew what O'Neill was going through and could empathize. Overwhelming thoughts of almost a century lived assailed him daily. His mother, father, wives, children … lost over a span of almost a hundred years of his life was harrowing, sorrowful and demanding of justice.
Without the soothing effects of Kelno'reem the memories; his deeds and atrocities committed … his rage would have surely destroyed him by now. To live through regrets in a matter of weeks instead of the steady journey over decades must be maddening. Or perhaps it was merciful. He did not know.
Within his body the larvae Goa'uld, not yet mature, scurried about bringing him discomfort … and pushed to the forefront much of his misfortunes, enslavement and loss. "Speak of nothing to me", he commanded aloud, but it was no use.
His thoughts wandered to ancestors absorbed in history … much of his people's past dismantled; no longer recalled before the Goa'uld overpowered; conquered and possessed the Jaffa - body and soul.
He thought of his children often.
Many were lost to him. Some lost at birth; some due to illness or war as innocents – others as warriors; handed over as he was to serve the Goa'uld. Regrettably, some of his children were lost in time … slipped away into the fabric of lives lived – generations carried on unknown to him. How they lived now; where they were in this moment … a painful mystery.
Ryac, his youngest son, still a child – not yet old enough for Prim'ta, was his remaining hope; a guiding light, his source of inspiration to free his people from the grip of Goa'uld oppression. To have abandoned a family once again – no matter how noble the cause was gut wrenching.
It was O'Neill who had given him this chance. O'Neill who risked his livelihood, his life to bring him to Earth, where he could begin this revolution among the Tau'ri; begin again, and maybe even atone for his past.
Now, however, O'Neill was not here. Without him, was there still a chance for the Jaffa? Would General Hammond let him continue here on this planet – a refugee with nowhere else to seek asylum? He was shova, and without the protection Earth provided, would not last long among the stars. His crusade would end before it even began.
A knock at the door jolted him from his thoughts. A knock at his door was rare; so when it came again persistent and loud he knew it was no accident.
Unperturbed, he opened the door and standing before him, hand raised to knock again was Daniel Jackson whose neck, cheeks and ears flushed crimson. Teal'c observed with some measure of curiosity as the young man's hand drifted down slowly to his side.
"Can I come in?" he asked, voice low; but adamant. Eyebrow raised, Teal'c met his gaze straight on, felt a kindred spark; and then stood aside for him to enter.
Daniel stood at the door but wasn't so sure about this course of action. He and Teal'c were at silent odds, tip toeing around each other, feeling each other out – brought together by the absolute sheer willpower of Jack O'Neill.
His Jack was now growing old by the second on Argos. The man's order to leave him there still stung and he knew it bothered Teal'c too. Doctor Carter wasn't so keen on it either, but her military training and respect for the chain of command left her no alternative but to acquiesce … to argue no further.
But he wasn't in the military. He would argue until the cows came home, if it meant saving Jack. Hadn't the man drilled into his head on more than one occasion to never leave a man behind?
Stepping back from the door Daniel ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He wanted, no he needed to try again. Go back to General Hammond and change his mind. If he could just get back to Argos and study the base of the statue a little more. He was sure the answers were there. It had to be there.
The temple was the center of the Argonian culture. Pelops' image with the only written word etched in its base had to be the key. With Teal'c's help they were close to solving the code. He just needed to sway the General to let them go back. If he could not save Jack, he could at least be there with him when….
Convinced Teal'c felt the same, he had come to ask for his help. Though the Jaffa never said much, his formidable presence might go a long way in persuading the General.
Hands on hips, lost in thought, stargate personnel navigating around him, Daniel thought of Jack – back on that planet, alone … trapped in the body of an old man; just as his wife and brother were trapped. It seemed unfair that whoever he cared for died, abandoned him or suffered for knowing him.
Why was he so cursed?
Suddenly, he was angry; angry enough to overcome his reticence with Teal'c … angry enough to pursue Jack on Argos and hold him to his promises – to not leave, to find his family.
Turmoil boiled up from his belly. He could feel the heat of his rage flush his neck, creep up to his cheeks and burn his ears. Determined, he knocked on the door; then knocked again.
When Teal'c answered, eyebrow raised… their eyes met and he knew without a doubt he had an ally. And just as he entered the room, adjusting his vision to the candle light, ready to make his case – Doctor Carter rushed in behind him, her eyes bright with hope; her smile blinding.
"Thank goodness I found you two together", she rasped – hastily pulling in air as she spoke. "The Colonel has called from Argos and wants us to come right away. It seems there's been a development."
With that said she turned away and rushed from the room – expecting Daniel and Teal'c to follow.
They had been waiting in the infirmary for some time now in silence … lost in their own reflections.
Sitting next to Jack's hospital bed, Daniel held the man's journal and stared at the one word screaming up at him … Sara. The rest of the page was empty. But knowing Jack as he did, he found that he could read the man's intent without written words and did not like it.
Lips pressed tightly together, he crumpled the leather binder in his hands and then closed the journal. Furious, he wanted to throw the book across the room, but instead found himself face to face with Teal'c who stood at the end of the bed – nodding to him with calm reassurance. Taking a deep breath and gathering his wits, he nodded back. Teal'c was right. He needed to settle down.
Jack was going to be okay. He would recover and was reversing in age just as quickly as he had grown old. Soon he would be himself again.
On the other side of the bed, Doctor Carter studied the monitors, intently tracking Jack's data and seemed confident of his progress. "Janet says everything looks good", she piped out, "and he should be awake soon."
"How soon is soon Captain" Jack whispered, and cracked his eyes open as Carter seemed to magically produce a cup of water with a straw for him to drink.
"Soon is now sir" she said with mirth and placed the cup aside when he held up his hand to show he was finished.
Surveying his team, Jack leaned back into his pillow trying to force himself to relax. It would seem his team had something to get off their chests; and had waited patiently for him to awaken in order for him to hear it.
He still felt tired and weary. His joints still ached and hell … he was old. But things were looking up. Doctor Frasier assured him … in two weeks' time he would be forty-five again. Forty-five years old and fit for duty. For now he was consigned to rest and be a sort of guinea pig, which gave him time to think; which also gave him time to listen.
Daniel held up his journal and he sighed. Here we go then; he thought and held out his hand to retrieve the soft leather book, where only one word graced its pages.
"I found that in the temple" Daniel stated pointing to the book with emphasis.
"….And?" Jack gestured, twirling his finger for Daniel to continue; not sure where this conversation was headed.
"You wrote to Sara, your wife, but never finished. The rest of the page is empty."
Not sure he really wanted to know, Jack asked anyway. "What is this about Daniel?"
"I can guess what it is you wanted to say. You were saying goodbye. You had given up and were ready to leave."
The silent "me" at the end of Daniel's quiet but intense tirade stunned him. Getting the gist of this he searched Daniel's face, saw the pain etched there, and wanted to get this right; to choose his words carefully. He was not a man of words, but felt he needed to say something; to ease whatever this was. Inhaling slowly, he took a moment to collect his thoughts.
"Listen Daniel … listen up all of you." Jack paused until everyone's attention was on him. Nodding slowly, he admitted, "Yes, I was ready."
Daniel removed his glasses and squint his eyes – a sign he was ready to argue a point.
Holding up his hand to stay his vociferous objections, he continued – catching Daniel's eye and locking in. "I can't promise you that nothing will ever happen to me or to any of us on this trek of ours. But what I can promise you Daniel is that whatever happens, I won't go out without a fight; and we will… and that includes Stargate Command, will never stop looking for Sha're or Skaara. That part of our mission will always be to keep looking; to save them."
Jack could sense a release of … something in Daniel and reached out to squeeze his forearm until he nodded with understanding. "Never without a fight", Daniel repeated softly – turning away to hide his emotions.
Acknowledging Teal'c at the foot of his bed, hands held tightly behind his back, he continued. "And you Big Guy, this is your home. You don't ever have to worry about that – whether I'm here or not. You've pledged your loyalty to Earth; to me... and I consider us friends. This is where you belong." Teal'c inclined his head in affirmation and Jack could swear there was a slight smile on the man's lips. But just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone – so he turned to the third member of his team.
"So Captain" he began, "What is it I should be promising you?"
Tilting her head to the side Samantha Carter grinned with a cheekiness he was beginning to appreciate. "Well sir" she chuckled, "You could promise me to not eat cake off world again without first having it analyzed."
With some effort Jack laughed and could feel not only the muscles in his stomach ache but the tension in the room evaporate. "You have my word Captain", he forced out as Doctor Frasier breezed in, heels clicking on concrete; clipboard clutched in her grasp … confusion written all over her face.
"What have I missed?" she queried, glad to hear the laughter; glad to see her favorite SG team safe, whole and together.
Thank you for reading. Please leave a review to let me know what you think. A special "Thank you" goes out to MoparGirl1 for the inspiration. I hope you enjoyed this.