I know from the stats that this chapter is where I lose a lot of people, but it does pick back up again.

Before the chapter begins I have another Knowledge fact to share: The name 'Mail' is apparently pronounced 'Mile'. Like 'Mail-y Cyrus', or 'Mail-s Davis' and not like "Mail those letters and packages and shit", according to the DN wiki.

According to me, everyone thinks the same thing when they are reading the name 'Mail' and always will. This is not a very good fact, and I don't think that I will use it in my life much at all.

6. Not a very funny chapter.

"God, I hate orphans," Roger said for no reason as he rode the elevator down to the hotel lobby.

"I'm establishing character!" The author thought to herself.
"This is a pile of shit even by fanfiction standards," replied practically everyone.
"OK, fine. I'll leave off. Perhaps an orphan killed his dog. I don't know. He's not a really a sympathetic character in this. Let's all just let it go."

"I'm Roger," said Roger, now at L's building and even more poorly-written. He's reporting for his first day of work, and feeling pretty good about not having to take care of bitchy, spoiled, genius orphans anymore. Being Wattari is going to be like being James Bond, he's totally sure. Why else would he need sniper training, a tuxedo, a genius IQ, and a pilot's license like the last Wattari?

"He wasn't really in the loop about the whole L/Wattari situation," the author explained terribly, "because cannon doesn't say anything about it either way, and I have decided that it is much better if he doesn't know that-"

"Hey, you're my new butler," L interrupted the author herself somehow to tell this to Roger because he wanted to get this horrible chapter all over with. The fact that being Wattari isn't a very good job is the whole point of the scene.
"How did he do that?" She wondered, putting her writing in quotation marks to ruin the fourth wall some more in an unfunny way, but L stared creepily at the audience and just said,
"Because I'm L."

Roger, shocked at the revelation that his life now sucks worse than before, ripped a scream for about as long as it takes you to read to the end of the scene transition.

Oh crap, it's right here. Actually, that wasn't very long. Imagine him screaming for ten minutes.

I'll wait.

This scene is is about Near, Mello, and that other guy.

The other guy, Matt, decided that he was going to be a spy and sneak a look at the Top Secret plan. He had probably always wanted to be a spy, for all anyone knows.

However, when he woke up, he wouldn't get the chance.

"AUUGHH!" screamed Near, uncharacteristically loud, waking the others.
"What the fuck?" Mello drawled sleepily.
"There's a... Ugh... Used condom... between the cushions," he croaked, pointing at the chair with completely non-indifferent disgust and fear, "OH, God! I touched it!"
"Oh, sick." Matt looked away from the gross object now on the floor. (The condom, not Near.)

Near went somehow paler, "Oh, Lord. Who would hide that there? I could have a sex-disease."
"Shut up, Near," Mello sighed, "You already have sex-disease. It's called," Mello trailed off, trying to think of a good insult, "'You Suck'?" It wasn't a very good burn, but this isn't a very good chapter.
"Mello," the smallest shrieked angrily, "This is all your fault. Why did you bring me to a filthy sex hotel?"
"No one wanted you here," Mello snorted insincerely.

Matt watched on as Near displayed more emotions than he'd ever seen from him.

"I didn't want to be here," Near pouted indifferently, as he took took off his possibly-infected shirt and looked for his bag.

"Yeah, now would probably be a good time to tell you I lost your stuff at the airport or something," Mello said with embarrassment and anger.
"But I asked you to carry it because I was tired."
"Shouldna been too much of a weakling to carry it yourself."

"Mello! All of our money was in there!" Matt shouted.
"Yeah..." Mello shrugged with smug embarrassment.
"Optimus Prime was in there..." Near whispered helplessly.
"Fuck that shit," Mello answered.
"I hate this trip! I hate you!" Near screamed, suddenly full of emotion again.
"Mello, what kind of genius are you?" Matt wondered aloud, rubbing his temples, "You're always doing dumb things."
"I've had enough of this, I'm leaving!" Near shouted as he grabbed Mello's pack to replace his own and left hurriedly, without really thinking this through.

"Yeah, that'll work out for you," Mello said with disgust and mild indifference as the door slammed, "I bet you don't even know how to use a crosswalk," he laughed to himself, " You'll be back. And me and Matt'll be fine without you."
"Hey, who says I'm just going to follow you?" Matt protested.
"Because I am your only friend and you are in love with me. Duh."
"Oh my God. You're such a dick!"
"You love it," Mello answered as the door slammed for a second time.

Matt still wanted the 'Top secret' plans that Near now had, and Mello's bitchy attitude pretty much sealed it. Matt was out of there.

Alone and served, Mello suddenly felt lonely, depressed, and hungry. He missed his friends and frenemies, but was also angry at them for leaving him, he was also pretty amused by the things he said to Near, and aroused because why not.

He started to think that all of these emotions weren't really doing him any good, and his dickery had driven his only friends and frenimies away. Perhaps it was time for a change.

This fic loves the reviews you all gave it. It gives all of your reviews 5-star reviews of its own.

Thanks, LittleFanGirl, NellaKeehlRiver, 9shadowcat9, stella1107, andysanime, Aries07, mellys-girl, and DarkAngelJudas. I somehow have two pages of reviews, and that's better than any story that I have ever done.