''I am so sorry, Mr. Casey.'' Jenna said, looking at the man who was still staring out of the window, who had been silent for a few minutes now.

''I know, everybody was. Instead of blaming me for what I have done, everybody feels sorry.''

He just shook his head, putting the shot glass down again.

''Another?'' She asked, not sure if she should give him another one.

''No, just a water please.'' Matthew looked back at the window.

''Is there something outside?''

Matthew looked back at Jenna. ''Somebody, but I don't think she will come in.''

He took a sip of water, putting the glass down and continuing his story, no longer looking at the person by the window.

...

Christie's heels made ticking sounds on the pavement while she pushed the wheelchair and Matthew looked around, happy to see around Chicago again after being inside for so long. She had offered to take him by car but he preferred to go this way, even if it was just to breathe some fresh air again. People walking down the pavement were staring at him, some really seemed to recognize him, others just seemed to realize it was him. The cold air felt strange against the sore skin of his face. His mom was very happy to hear that he was going out today. Nearly reaching the street of the former station, he was getting nervous.

''Are you ready?'' Christie said, stopping for a second as if she could reach her mind.

''I think I am ready.'' His voice was shaking. Christie rubbed her hand over his left shoulder for a second and she continued their way to the former firehouse. Even though they weren't there yet, he could already see the firehouse was gone. The only thing left was the driveway and on the place where the fire house had been was a sea of flowers and candles.

''They are keeping the candles lit day and night.''

''Who?'' He said, looking backwards, up to Christie.

''The people of the neighborhood.''

Slowly they went over the driveway, to the large marble plate in the middle. A young guy was also there, laying down some flowers as well. He looked up to Casey, just gave him a small nod and stepped aside, walking to one of the candles which seemingly was blown out by the wind, lighting it again. There was a large marble plate in the middle, all the names of the victims engraved in it. Slowly his hand went over the stone. Christie laid her hand again on his shoulder. He wanted to grab it and cry, find some comfort by his sister, but instead his hand just kept going over the stone, touching the names, feeling more guilty every time his hand touched a name. His hand went from Brian Zvonecek to Gabriela Dawson and a sudden paint went to his chest.

He still couldn't process that she was gone and every morning he woke up he hoped that she would be sitting at his bedside, that the nightmare would be over, but every morning he woke up alone.

His hand left the name, laying it on top of Christie's hand. Tears started to flow now, laid his head on top of the hands are well, the tears still streaming. He wanted to keep himself strong, but he couldn't keep the tears. After a few more minutes he wiped the tears away, looked up again at the names. The boy farther away on the field looked at him, worried, seemingly sorry for him.

Christie sat down on his knees, next to him. Carefully she laid her arm around him.

''If you want to go, just say so.'' She mumbled, opening her bag, grabbing a bunch of flowers and laying them under the marble plate, between the other flowers.

''Can we go to Molly's?'' He asked, his voice raw from the crying.

Christie nodded, stood up and they went back on to the street, Matthew still looking back and the sea of candles and flowers. Although the air was still cold as it was November already, he wasn't extremely cold. They should be flashing the hydrants soon. He just stared to the sky, not wanting to think about how it could have gone if he had responded different to the drugs in the hydrant. The marble stone wouldn't be there and he would be at work.

They arrived at Molly's before he even noticed how far they were and he had forgotten about the two steps up to the door. Stubborn, he got up, leaning against the wall.

''Matt, what are you doing?'' Christie said; ''I am sure we can enter trough the back.''

''I can do this.'' He said back, sounding more rude than he had actually meant to. Lifting up his right leg as far as he could without hurting, he hopped dup the two steps, Christie still protesting behind him. ''What, you are going to stand outside, waiting?'' He asked, to make her stop protesting and he went aside so she could walk inside as well, sitting down in his chair again.

In the back of the bar, there was a long table full of pictures. Christie didn't follow him as he wheeled to there, his arm hurting, but he needed to see it. A pair of feet did follow him though and when he looked backwards he saw that the man whom had been drinking at the bar was following him. Hermann. He kept standing behind as Matt was looking at the pictures, lifting the one with Gabriela up, his thumb caressing the picture. After a few minutes, Matt wanted to go backwards, back to Christie whom was drinking a coke at the bar, but he bumped into Hermann.

''Sorry.''

Hermann stepped aside. ''Matt.'' He greeted, the corners of his mouth moving into a fake smile for a split second.

''How are you?'' He asked to Hermann, more to greet him back than to know how he was, because he knew that Hermann wasn't okay, neither of them was. The small firefighter hadn't shaved in a while, his eyes looked tired and he looked around, disorientated.

''As good as it gets. How are you?''

Casey just shrugged, not caring about the pain in his shoulder.

''How is Shay?'' Hermann asked, tucking his hands in his pockets, looking to the ground instead of at Matthew.

''I don't know.'' He answered, not wanting to explain that he didn't have to courage to visit her yet, but Hermann hadn't visited her either, so this was something he couldn't feel guilty about, although he doubted if there was much more space for more guilt.

''Let's take a walk.'' Hermann mumbled, Casey just nodding as they left the building through the back.

''How did you return to daily life?'' Matthew asked as they left the street, Hermann pushing him. Off all the things coming his way right now, the hardest thing was for him to imagine how he was ever going to start his daily life again. How could he even live on?

''Cindy and the kids.'' Hermann shrugged, stopping as they reached a bench, sitting down next to Casey. ''They are the only reason. How are we supposed to just go on? I don't even know why I am allowed to be alive and the others aren't.''

''Don't say that, you have your family.''

''Why did you save me? You could have looked at the others, if one of them was still alive.''

Matthew looked down, nervously playing with his hands.

''Five children wouldn't have a father now.''

Hermann breathed out, loud. ''Neither do they have now.'' Hermann looked at him, his eyes filling with tears. ''I want to be a good father, but I just don't know how anymore. ''

''I want to tell you everything is going to be okay since everybody keeps telling me that, but I am not so sure anymore.'' Matthew admitted, knowing he could be honest with Hermann.

''Are you going to the trial of the gang next week?'' Hermann asked.

''Is that next week already?'' Matt had completely forgotten about it, even though he promised to speak as a witness as they were charged by the city of Chicago.

''If we weren't living Illinois, they would probably get a dead sentence. Now they get to life while nobody of fire house has a life. It is a cruel world.'' Hermann mumbled. ''Nobody. Not even the three of us will never have a life again.''

Matthew could only agree.

...

Laying in bed, Matthew couldn't sleep and he wasn't sure if it was the rain slamming against the window or his stomach, which was feeling bad every time he thought about the trial now. He was not sure if he could speak up over their guilt, while he still felt guilty. He curled up a little bit more, pulling the blanked higher over him, looking at Violet's drawing at the wall, wishing he was a child again so he was full of innocence again and that hiding on the blanket was enough when he was scared. Now he was scared and nervous and overall, guilty.

The rain stopped and he carefully turned to his back, the pain bearable and he breathed in and out, wanting to get some sleep for another long tomorrow but even laying on his back didn't help him to find his sleep, while he always used to sleep on his back. Slowly he sat on the edge of his bed, took a few sips of water. The clock showed it was already past two. His sweatpants was scrubbing against the sore skin on his right leg but he got up, going to the door of his room with a lot of effort. Halfway the hallway his skin was killing him and he turned around, back to his room, knowing he would never reach Shay like this. Nearly at the door his leg gave in and he collapsed.

Thunder was rumbling far away and he crawled to the doorpost, sitting up against the frame and closing his eyes. He couldn't change what he did and he couldn't even reach Shay now without involving other people. Curling up on the floor, he finally fell asleep to a few more hours of nightmares.

...

NOTE: Chapter 6 already! Hope you liked this one!

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