Ambassador Udina

Alex was not having a very good day. First, Shepard had burst into his room like a thunderclap and proclaimed that he was going to accompany her to the Citadel, because "if I have to deal with their political bullshit, so do you." Alex had been bored enough to agree without much hassle, and he'd followed Shepard through the Citadel to meet the human Councilor.

Shepard spoke fondly of Anderson, and Alex had already formulated his own opinion about the man. Unfortunately, since Alex was the Normandy's dirty little secret, he wasn't allowed to go into the room and listen to Shepard verbally assault the Council. He'd shrugged and settled in to lean against the wall by the door, waiting idly for Shepard to come back out.

He had expected to be waiting for quite a while, maybe even have to scare off some curious C-Sec guards that had been eying him since he'd arrived. What he had not expected was to be accosted by some kind of human in a dress with a face that not even a mother could love. His expression resembled someone who'd just dunked their head into a toilet and taken a good whiff for good measure, and his voice wasn't that much better.

Alex had been prepared to simply avert his eyes and pretend the walking ass with a face didn't exist, but then he'd heard someone clear their throat and made the mistake of turning his way.

Ass-face did not look amused. "This is a restricted area," he began in a voice that put Donovan Hock to shame. "Do you have the proper clearance?" Alex slowly bristled as Ass-face raked his eyes over his form, and then looked back at his face with clear disdain.

What? Alex glanced at himself, confused. The way the man had just stared at him, like he was a piece of shit stuck to his shoe, made him feel like he'd accidentally shown up to the Citadel wearing nothing but a loincloth. Alex met the man's eye again, and decided he didn't like him.

"Isn't that uncomfortable?" Alex asked him, making his voice sound as genuinely concerned as possible, and watched Ass-face's face scrunch in confusion.

"Is what uncomfortable?" Ass-face sneered, and Alex decided he really didn't like him.

"Walking around with that huge stick shoved up your ass, of course," Alex replied with a nonchalant shrug. He was amused to see the human's face redden with anger. "I'd be more than happy to remove it for you."

"How dare you!" Ass-face seethed, stepping closer in a rather hilarious attempt to intimidate him. It might have worked, too, if Ass-face wasn't several inches shorter and if Alex hadn't been a living weapon of mass destruction. "Do you know who I am?" he demanded.

Alex widened his eyes and quickly turned his attention to the nearest C-Sec guard, who'd been watching the exchange with a barely hidden smirk on his face. "Oh my!" Alex cried to the amused guard across the hall, "This poor man has forgotten who he is!"

While the guard broke down in snickers, Ass-face's face had turned so red Alex was amazed smoke wasn't coming out of his ears.

"I am Ambassador Udina," Ass-face snarled, fists clenched as if he were seriously considering throwing a punch. Alex dared him to do it with his eyes. That would be more than enough of an excuse to shatter the human's skull. "And I'll have you thrown out of the Citadel for that!"

Alex leveled an unimpressed look at the fuming man. Wow. He really puts the ass in ambassador, doesn't he? "Listen up, Ass-face," Alex heard a snort from down the hall. "I don't have the time or the patience to sit here and watch you make a fool out of yourself. I've eaten men more impressive than you, and honestly the only reason I haven't done the same to you is because I'm afraid your idiocy might be contagious." Alex flicked his fingers down the hall with a dismissal in his eyes. "So go on. Shoo. Go bitch at someone else."

"You'll regret this," Ass-face seethed, voice trembling with either rage or fear. Alex didn't really care which one it was, so long as he removed himself from Alex's presence forthwith.

"The only thing I regret is letting you live this long," Alex growled back, finally deciding to hell with it and stepping away from the wall. "Get the hell out of my face before I throw you out of the Citadel. Literally."

Ass-face spluttered for a moment before turning on his heel and stalking away. The guard across the hall finally dissolved into laughter, and Alex smirked at the human's retreating back just as the door to his side swished open. Shepard stepped out and took one look at Alex's face and the laughing guard before sighing and pressing her face into her hands.

"All right," Shepard ground out. "Who'd you piss off this time?"

"What?" Alex asked innocently, as the poor guard slid down the wall, unable to breathe. "I met Ambassador Udina, and we had a conversation about his relative impressiveness as compared to a pile of varren droppings."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "If he starts making trouble for us, I'm blaming you."

"If he makes trouble for us, I'll eat him. Problem solved!"

"That isn't helping, Alex."

"Your loss."

A/N: Yeah, Udina isn't a crewmember (Thank. GOD.) But I hate him so much that I decided to throw him at Alex and see what happened.

...Alex is the epitome of tact.