Dreams

Leila looked around. She couldn't believe it. She was home, lying in the garden of the farmstead she lived on as a child. She felt the soft grass between her fingers and felt the sun on her skin. This felt so good, yet so unreal. She heard someone give one long whistle and opened her eyes to see Hawke standing looking down on her. Now it all came back to her. This was a dream.

"That dress would make even Isabela blush," he winked. She looked down at herself. She was wearing her favourite summer dress. Short, V-shaped neckline, backless and white with a pattern of deep red roses. She smiled up at him.

"I doubt it. Give me a hand, would you?"

He took her hand and pulled her up. Then suddenly he grabbed her and pulled her behind him. He seemed startled and apprehensive about something. She then saw Anders, glowing blue and was almost sparkling.

"Nice to see you, Justice. Now, will you let Anders come out and play before you rip someone to pieces?"

"I had not thought to return in such a way... I cannot do as you ask. In the Fade I am in control as Anders is in your world," Justice replied, looking around rather than at them.

"Wonderful! A heads up would have been nice you know?" Hawke grumbled.

"It is the first time we have returned to the Fade since our joining. We did not know."

"Hawke, what is going on?" Leila looked at Anders with confusion. It was strange to be sure, but he didn't look threatening in any way, yet Hawke was obviously not comfortable with this development.

"Leila this is Justice, Anders' better half."

"What do you mean better half?"

"I am a spirit of Justice. Anders and I share his body," Justice stated calmly.

"You mean he is possessed?"

"Yup," Hawke answered. He had seemed to calm a little, but still kept a close eye on the spirit.

"I always thought demons would be more terrifying." Leila stared at Anders. If it wasn't for Hawke's hesitation around Anders at the moment, it looked cool, beautiful even.

"I am no demon! I am the virtue of Justice." Justice finally looked at them. He obviously reacted at the word demon and seemed a little offended.

"Meaning what, exactly?"

"Meaning that Justice is a good spirit determined to right the injustices in the world... according to Anders, anyway." Hawke had now let go of her. If Justice was going to attack he would have done it by now.

"Come, we should find this demon of yours before we are drawn back out of the Fade," Justice said as he walked closer to them. He kept an intense eye on Hawke, who was looking at Leila.

"Right... Well, normally, we would be in my dream, but from that gorgeous dress you are wearing I'm guessing it is yours." Hawke gave her a friendly smile, but then caught Justice's eye. Was the spirit... watching him? He would have thought it because of his blood magic, if he didn't look so concerned. It made Hawke shiver lightly.

"I thought I was home, so yes, I guess so. What do I need to do?" Leila said waiting for her instructions.

"Well, we need to get Death here... somehow."

Before Leila could make a sarcastic remark or Justice a disapproving one, they heard the voice of a woman calling behind them. It was her mother looking healthy and smiling. Leila turned around and tears started to form in her eyes as she saw her. But then something felt different... wrong. There was a warmth missing from her eyes.

"You are not my mother," Leila backed away.

"Demon!" Justice hissed. Hawke placed a hand on her shoulder and Justice looked at her, impressed by how she quickly recognized something was wrong. The dream disappeared and they were now standing in nothing but a heavy mist. The demon changed to the shape of a woman with horns. Leila jumped slightly. She had never seen anything like it. It looked like something out of Greek mythology.

"It is a desire demon. It preys on your deepest desires and intensifies it to the point of blind obsession," Justice warned and Leila nodded in response. The demon looked at Justice and gave an evil smirk.

"You would know of obsession, wouldn't you, little spirit?" her voice filled with condescending hatred.

"Quiet, foul demon! I cannot be tempted and I will not allow you to harm my companions," Justice replied with venom almost dripping from his tongue.

"Neither would I waste my time with you even if I thought I could. Why anyone would merge with such a pathetic creature? I admit your host is delicious, though..." she purred. "As for your companions..."

The demon walked closer, starring intently at Leila.

"Pretty... A shame that you have as little magic in your veins as a dwarf. Such a waste of life."

"I might not be magical, but at least I don't have Christmas ornaments glued to my forehead," Leila replied coldly.

This on the other hand made the demon's eyes go wide and a desire formed that made Leila feel uncomfortable. It grabbed her by the chin and Leila found that she could not move. Justice hissed, but knew that Leila had to refuse the demon's offer on her own, as did Hawke. They could do nothing. The demon turned into a man before them. He had longish dark hair, a well-trimmed beard around his mouth, had muscles, but very slim, gentle facial features and deep black eyes. He started to whisper in Leila's ear.

"Such spirit... Who could resist such passion? But it has been locked away and kept at bay by logic, compromises and duty. I can see your desires. You want to be released from your prison of obligation and let that passion roam freely. I can give you that. I can fulfil your desires... your longing to feel alive."

"Do not listen to it, mortal. She deals only in illusions and her offers are only temporary until she takes over. You are only a means for her to fulfil her own desires," Justice warned again.

"You are one to talk, spirit. Yet... only temporary bliss will be so much more than what she has had in her entire lifetime... Let me make you feel loved," the demon cooed in a deep whisper. Leila's tears were flowing and she could feel the demon turning and twisting her heart. Then, embarrassment took over. Someone else now knew the secrets that she had buried so deep. Two men she hardly knew was now told of something that only belonged in the privacy of her own thoughts. Anger took over and without thinking she knocked the demon's hand from her face. The demon retaliated, but Leila blocked and using the demons momentum she knocked the demon off balance and it landed on the ground. She remembered more of her martial arts training than she thought. The demon's illusion disappeared and fury was written on its face.

"A piece of advice... Don't embarrass people you are trying to seduce!" Leila spat and Hawke gave a loud laugh.

"Then you will provide me a death!" the demon hissed and shades started to appear around them. As the shades came towards Leila, she was stunned. She had never seen anything like them, yet instinct took over and she was prepared to defend herself. How she would do so she had no idea. She felt something knock her back and saw Justice lightly touching his forehead. Something he did she guessed and then saw him making a barrier of ice in front of her. The only magic she had seen so far was Anders' healing and this was something else entirely. If not for the fact that those creatures were after her, she would have been fascinated. She felt an electric current on her skin and saw that Hawke was shooting lightning from his fingertips. Before she knew it, the demons were dead before her. Hawke ran over to her, grinning from ear to ear.

"That was bloody brilliant! Too bad you are not a mage. Then you would have been able to brag about your Harrowing," he joked.

"What's a Harrowing?" She took his hand and got up.

"Never mind for now."

She flinched as she stood up. Whatever Justice did had made her back sore.

"I didn't think things would hurt so much when you dreamt."

"I apologize mortal. It was necessary to keep distance between you and the fiends," Justice replied with a hint of remorse in his voice. Hawke had only seen Justice twice before, but he had not come to expect the spirit to be this... normal. Justice healed her back and she smiled sweetly at him.

"Thank you, angel," Leila smiled as she said it, not remembering the spirit's name.

"Now let's find that demon before I start dreaming up something worse than that one," she continued, pointing at the dead demon.

"Right... I have to channel the spell, but since we are in your dream I need you to concentrate on Death in your mind. That should summon him to us."

"Alright... I'm ready." Hawke's hands started glowing with a purple light and a sparkling sound emitted from it. Leila cleared her head and thought of death. Every movie and picture she had ever seen with death in it. The Fade transformed and they were in a graveyard at night. The full moon was shining, fog covered the ground and in the middle was one very large dead tree. But so far no death.

"Well, this is certainly creepy..." Hawke said when the spell stopped working.

"Sorry... I have a lively imagination I guess. Where do you think this demon is?" Leila started to look around, but needed to keep reminding herself that this was a dream. She half-expected ghosts, vampires and werewolves to start roaming around, but then got a little afraid that thinking about them might summon them. Almost sensing her distress, Hawke placed a hand on her shoulder again. Justice looked around.

"This looks like the Black Marsh... I cannot sense the demon."

"Demon, demon, come out wherever you are. Don't be shy," Hawke said in an almost singing way and Leila rolled her eyes and laughed at him.

"I told you I am not a demon," Death sighed. They looked towards the tree and from it appeared a tall man in black robes covering his appearance completely. Leila felt a chill run down her spine, but more from all the memories than his actual presence. Though the air turned cold he did not appear threatening the way the desire demon did. Hawke looked at Justice expecting him to go into a blazing fury of rage, but nothing happened. Justice just stood there looking puzzled. Hawke then returned his attention to Death.

"You didn't bring me my sister. Instead you took this woman from her world," Hawke accused.

"I told you that she would not be the same, but you refused to listen." He looked at Hawke who was now overwhelmed by shame and was unsure how to respond. He didn't fully understand what Death meant. Justice shook his head at his stupidity.

"Can you send this one back to her world? It was a grave injustice taking her from her world, so this one could relieve his guilt." Justice looked at Death and Death took a few steps closer to Justice. He was slightly taller than Justice and looked down at him.

"Justice... The force that brings as much death as it prevents. Death surrounds you my friend and yet it took a mortal life for you to value its meaning... You must however live life fully to understand the sacrifice in death... You know as well as I that we cannot right death by bringing about life. It is the same reason I cannot take her back."

"If you brought me here why can't you send me back?" Leila had to try hard not to cry. Death walked towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"You always take the difficult paths, my child. Every lifetime you choose one of struggle in order for your soul to grow and fully form."

"Why do you speak as if you know me?" Leila looked up at him. Perhaps she should be afraid, but she found him comforting.

"You have prayed for me to come for you, my dearest. Life is a burden you carry so heavily, but I want you to live before I come for you. You did not live where you were. I hoped bringing you here might give you a life with meaning and purpose."

"I'm so tired..." Tears started falling from her eyes.

"I know, but you need one more life to truly reach your potential, little one. To finish the path that you chose."

"So you tricked me! All of this was to bring her here?" Hawke growled.

"I brought your sister's soul to you. I told you her soul had moved on, but you were determined that you wanted her anyway. I cannot turn back time, only reach through it. So I bend the laws of time and space to return her soul to you. The deal has been made and it cannot be undone." Death answered calmly. Leila was tearing up. She felt pain over the fact that she could not go home. She felt defeated that Death could or would not help and anger at Hawke for being so stupid. He had taken her life from her so that he did not have to feel guilt. Justice flared in anger.

"It is time for you to go back now. Do not worry, spirit. Justice will be done soon enough," Death bowed and Justice nodded in response. Death disappeared. Then, the tree and the rest of the graveyard was slowly consumed by the mist before the Fade evaporated entirely.

They were back in the clinic and Anders was the first to wake. Merrill was sitting next to the cot Leila was lying on and when he got close he saw tears streaming from her eyes.

"Anders, what happened? She started to scream and she has been crying in her sleep for the past ten minutes," Merrill looked truly distressed.

"We cannot get her home, Merrill," Anders said softly. Hawke then awoke and went over to the cot as well. He was positively pale and the guilt and shame was written all over his face. Even so, Anders lost control of his anger.

"See what your blood magic and you stupidity led you to? It is because of things like this that we are persecuted all throughout Thedas! Not to mention that now Leila is stuck here! You ruined her life, Hawke!" He shouted so loud that Hawke figured it must have echoed all through Darktown. Merrill hushed Anders, looking down at Leila who had still not woken up and he gave her an apologetic look.

"I know, Anders. I'm going to take care of her...," Hawke said wistfully.

"You better!" Anders growled. He kneeled down next to the cot, making sure nothing had gone wrong and that she was somehow stuck in the Fade. She wasn't. It always took a little longer for non-mages to come out of the Fade. Her eyes opened and were red from crying. For a moment, Anders saw the pain she was feeling and then just as quickly it was replaced by an anger that made Anders move away from the cot immediately. She got up and looked directly at Hawke.

"Leila, I'm so sorry. I..."

"No! I don't want to hear it, you selfish bastard! What the fuck were you thinking? Are you really that much of a moron?!" Even Justice could not have looked as terrifying as Leila did at this very moment. Her nostrils were flaring, her body tense, her fists cringed so tight that her knuckles turned white and her eyes were terrifying. Her pupils were narrow and her eyebrows pressed together. Hawke was convinced that if eyes could kill, his robes would have been set ablaze and he would be nothing more than a pile of ashes on the floor.

"I didn't know. I swear I didn't!" he tried to defend himself.

"HE TOLD YOU!" she screamed and Hawke knew that had made its way through Darktown.

"I can't look at you right now! I don't want to hurt you... no, I'll take that back. I do want to hurt you, so I'll better be on my way." She turned towards the door. Hawke tried to stop her by holding her arm, but she wiggled free and stormed at the door. She ran through Darktown. She had never been there before and had no idea of where she was going. She only felt the anger and frustration running through her veins. What in the world had the idiot been thinking? She had assumed that Death had tricked him. She had not in her wildest dreams thought that Hawke had been warned by Death. She had only been so calm because she assumed that she would get home. Perhaps it was about time to stop assuming things. She stopped running and grabbed hold of the railing. She looked down into the waters below and considered jumping. Then she could pummel Death in the afterlife. With closed eyes she listened to the waves below, trying desperately to contain the anger and pain she was feeling.

"Running around in Darktown on your own is not a good idea, you know."

She turned her head and saw Anders looking at her. She started to look for Hawke and as if he read her mind he said:

"Hawke has gone home. I told him you might need some space from him. I did have to promise however to make sure nothing would happen to you," he smiled and she gave a grunt of disbelief.

"That's rich! Now he worries about what will happen to me," she spat.

"I'm not going to defend what he did, but don't think he is heartless," he replied softly.

"No, just mindless... Is he really worried about me?" her expression softened.

"Yes and so was I. Though I doubt anyone would dare attack you when you are angry. Even the darkspawn could not inspire such fear," he chuckled and despite herself, she smiled. She had read about those while researching the magisters of Tevinter.

"What will I do now? I have no home, no skills relevant in this world, no job and the only people I know are the ones who took pity on me. I just feel so lost," she sighed and was trying hard not to cry. Even so, a few tears fell. Anders took a few steps closer.

"It will be alright," he soothed.

"How can you say that? You don't know what it is like." Another tear fell. Anders stepped closer again and stood next to her with his hands on the railing.

"I do know... and so does Justice." He looked down at the waves. She looked up at him. In her anger, she had completely forgotten about the spirit, but with all she was feeling she could not gather her thoughts to form a sentence.

"I was twelve when I found out I was a mage. I accidentally set my father's barn on fire. He was so angry and fearful of me that he went straight to the templars. They came for me only hours later. My mother begged them not to take me, but they put me in shackles and dragged me away. They told her that if she ever asked about me she would be thrown in prison, stripped of her rights in the eyes of the Maker. I was dragged, not only to a Circle, but a Circle in another country to ensure that I would not try to escape, hoping to return home. So I do know what it is like to be trapped somewhere foreign. The loneliness and desperation that you must be feeling now."

Leila looked at him in complete shock and he looked down into her eyes. He looked so sad and yet he tried to be comforting. Suddenly, her own pain seemed smaller, if only because her attention had now shifted away from herself once again, allowing her to once again push the pain down into a forgotten chamber in her heart with all of her other emotions.

"I'm... sorry doesn't even begin to cover it, but I am sorry." She put her hand on his and he gave her a small smile. She hesitated, but then asked, "and Justice?"

"An even longer story. If you come back to the clinic I will tell you. If you don't want to face Hawke, you can stay in the clinic tonight. I don't have much, but I do have an empty cot," he smiled sadly.

"Thank you..."

Back at the clinic Anders told her about Justice. How he met him, how Justice was also stuck in a world without any way to return to his own. What it had been like getting to know him in the Wardens. He told about why they merged and with an enormous lump in his throat, he told her about what went wrong with their merging. After Hawke's reaction, he half expected her to bolt out of there screaming. She didn't. She sat there patiently letting him explain. Anders thought that it was probably due to her lack of knowledge that she didn't react very strongly. Void, a month ago she believed magic and demons to be nothing more than myth.

"It was very noble of you, to help Justice," she smiled sadly.

"Noble?... Perhaps it was meant that way, but now... I can't control him when I lose myself in anger. I don't know until after what I might have done. You saw the way Hawke looked at me. He believes that I am an abomination and sometimes... I fear he might be right," he confessed sadly.

"Losing yourself when you are desperate and forced into a corner doesn't sound very demonic... It sounds very human actually," she mused and Anders nearly fell off his chair.

"I don't think you understand... I kill people in blind rage when that happens." She flinched and that was more like the reaction that he had been expecting. She had quickly understood that killing here was not looked upon the same way as back home. Here, crime fighting was different and very few criminals surrendered peacefully. What Hawke and his friends did was to protect others. She still believed killing was wrong, no matter who did it, but once her world had been very similar to this one (and still was in a few places).

"See, now you understand why Hawke fears me," he said with a hint of offense and regret.

"I have to keep reminding myself that killing here is viewed upon differently than in my own small part of the world... According to what you said, you did this in self-defence, though. In my world, if a man has lost himself to insanity at the moment that he commits a crime, even murder, he is not judged as harshly. I fail to see why you should be any different."

Anders almost laughed at her calm dismissal. In part, he thought her to be out of her mind and on the other, it was uplifting that someone didn't see an abomination when they looked at him.

"You really don't understand how dangerous I am, do you?"

"No, that part I got. I just don't believe you are a demon. I believe you're sick," she said calmly.

"Sick?" He raised an eyebrow and could not hide his surprise. He was perfectly well. Tired, thin and bruised most of the time, but healthy by most definitions of the term.

"Yes... and you probably were before you joined with Justice."

"Please do explain this to me," he remarked sarcastically.

"I think you have a depression, Anders," she said softly hoping not to offend him.

He looked at her with confusion. He had been caught completely off guard by the turn this conversation had taken. He knew all too well what depression looked like. He knew how many mages had taken their own lives in the Tower and watched them closely before that. He had never thought that he might have one. On the other hand, all the signs were there; the uncontrollable rage, the constant fear, the way he would burrow himself in his work and the way he would one moment be full of determination and the next lose all hope. He had thought himself cursed. He had never seen himself as sick. But Leila did and it wasn't Justice she saw as the illness. He looked at her and the offense he had taken at first vanished.

"You... might be right," he said, barely over a whisper.

"I probably am," she smiled.

"And what makes you think that?" He returned the smile, but it faded when her expression became serious.

"Because I usually am when I don't want to be," she said sadly and looked down on the floor. There was a short silence.

"Anders... I know you don't know me well and that you have other friends, but if you need to talk... You can tell me anything." She looked at him again.

Anders suddenly felt lighter than he had done in ages, but when did this become about him? She was the one who learned earlier today that she had lost her home and now she was comforting him. For Maker's sake, this was not right. Determined to lighten the mood, he gave her a slightly suggestive look.

"Anything? Be careful what you offer."

"I said you could tell me. I didn't say I would listen." She gave him a look that made her eyes sparkle with mischief and laughed heartily.

"Why, you little..." He threw a very small frostshock at her, only enough to make her shiver and she gave a small yelp. She laughed again and when her eyes became watery, he laughed even harder. The rest of the night, they talked about nothing of consequence, meaningless stories and general small talk.