i'M SORRY!
THIS IS GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING ROAD AHEAD.
DON'T HATE ME ;)
I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY ELENA'S ACTING THIS WAY - BUT SHE IS. I'M SORRY. THIS WORKS OUT IN THE LONG RUN.
No Light
You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought
And what I said
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you'll start
You're my head
You're my heart
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say
Through the crowd, I was crying out
And in your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me, I need to make it right
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can't choose what stays and what fades away
Would you leave me,
If I told you what I've done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I've become?
'cause it's so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud
You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say.
"You tell no one." I growled as I grabbed Caroline's wrists and pushed her out of the room into the bathroom across the hall.
"What the hell, Elena!" Caroline snatched her wrist from my strong hold and rubbed it. "Why are you doing this?" She yelled at me.
I paced the small bathroom trying to find excuses that would justify my actions – it as becoming increasingly difficult to think of a good enough lie.
"What I do and don't do are none of your concern." I growled, decided against lies and instead choosing truthful and harsh words to turn her away from me.
"What?" Caroline yelled at me.
"What goes on between me and Damon," I paused, realizing how severe my words were going to sound and affect me. "Is none of your concern."
"To hell it isn't!" She yelled. "Why are you doing this Elena?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you." I rolled my eyes, my mind thinking of a thousand different ways to make Caroline not tell Stefan.
"You know what Elena, if after 17 years of friendship you don't think we owe each other honesty, then fine. But you know who you do have to explain yourself to? Stefan." Caroline growled and reached for the door handle.
"You're not going to tell Stefan." I grabbed her arm so hard I might as well have been pinching her.
"Really?" Caroline looked at me dubiously.
"No," I paused, breathing heavily in fear. "Because if you do, then you'll break his heart. You'll split us up for no reason – it's just a little misunderstanding." I lied.
"A little misunderstanding?" Caroline narrowed her eyes and looked at me as if I were crazy. "Are you insane? You were on top of him Elena! God, you disgust me. You still can't even admit it, Elena and you're going to hurt people if you continue this way!" Caroline shook her head and I cold see tears glistening in her eyes.
"Tell him if you want Caroline, but you'll break his heart for no reason." I pursed my lips and challenged her.
"I won't tell him, Elena. Because Stefan doesn't deserve that. But when you're off rendezvousing with Damon – I'll be there for Stefan. I won't let him mourn your random absences like he has been."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I laughed at Caroline's threat.
"It means, don't expect Stefan to wait around for you to stop your little obsession with Damon forever. Other things and other people will be there for him." She narrowed her eyes at me and walked away.
Did I just lose Caroline – my life-long friend?
The thought made me feel ill as I walked out of the bathroom.
I saw Damon look both ways carefully as he tried to inconspicuously leave the room. I caught him just before leaving.
"Damon." I whispered, pushing him right back into the room he tried to leave.
"What?" I heard Damon growl, obviously not in the mood to return to where we were previously.
"We have to talk. But first," I pushed him, breathed heavily, and started pacing the room. "Please just give me five seconds"
"I take it things didn't go well with Barbie?" Damon said seriously, though his words seemed playful.
"She hates me." I laughed, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling at my heart.
"She doesn't hate you." Damon put his hand on my shoulder.
We stood facing each other, and though I still wanted nothing more than to jump his bones, there was something in my heart that felt scared and blissful that Damon was still there for me when everyone wasn't.
"She does though." I smiled, trying to blink away the tears that were threatening over the surface of my eyes.
Damon sighed. "This is bound to happen, Elena. What we're doing-" Damon let the word remain unsaid because what we were doing was so awful in reality, saying it made it true. "It's not right. Not right now." Damon started walking towards the door. "You should find Stefan. We can forget everything that's happened here. I'd have no problem-"
"Stop." I grabbed his shoulder and held him back as I slid in front of him and pushed my back against the door. "You can't go."
"Elena. It's for the best. Can't you see that?" Damon's eyes looked furious now – which sort of scared me because his mood seemed easy to persuade before and now it seemed like an uphill battle to ask him to stay with me forever without any commitment from my part. "God, just let it go, Elena! You don't want to choose me, and I'm giving you the way out. Right here, right now, I'm letting you go. You won't have to lose any more friends, and you won't have to lose Stefan and-"
"But I'll lose you." A tear slid down my cheek. "I ca-can't lose you, Damon." I shook my head, and tried to look anywhere but at his face at the embarrassment of my tears.
"You can't have us both Elena! You made your choice. If you care for me at all you'll let me go." Damon yelled.
"Do you really want me to go?" I cried as I ran extremely quickly and put my hands on his face and brought him extremely close to me. "You don't mind if you lose me forever?" I cried, and before he could open his mouth, out of fear and anxiety, and kissed him quickly and desperately.
At first I noticed his struggle. He tried to fight me, but I wouldn't let go of him. Finally he stopped struggling and dominated my mouth with his tongue as he responded to my kiss like any other guy would've.
He kept pushing me back until we hit the wall. My hands were all over his body and his lips were all frantically meeting every one of my kisses. I was terrified during the kiss. Because as much as I enjoyed it, I couldn't help but feel that this would be one of our final kisses.
Damon stopped kissing my lips and started kissing my neck as I pulled his head closer and closer to me.
"You," I panted as he almost reached my nipple. "You can't let me go any more than I can." I whispered.
I regretted my words.
Damon growled and pushed away from me faster than I could blink.
"No, Elena. I won't do this. Not to me and not to you." Damon shook his head.
"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you I care about you, I do Damon. I do."
"That's not it, Elena." Damon shook his head, looking at me witwith a 'you know exactly what I want to hear.' Face.
And I did, but I couldn't say it. I was physically incapable of telling Damon what I felt about him because I honestly didn't know. Because if I thought about it at all-
I just couldn't.
The thought of what I felt for Damon and what he felt for me made me terrified and sick.
"You're with Stefan, Elena. Your choice. Your decision." Damon shook his head, thankfully getting me out of the desperate situation I was in before. "And until you're more mentally stable from the transition I won't come near you again." Damon wiped his mouth.
"Damon, please." I ran to him and pushed him down forcefully to the ground and landed on top of him.
I was desperate. I couldn't let him leave. If he left, and I was forced to face my actions instead of having him by my side every day I would die.
"What do I have to do?" I whispered into his ear as I kissed his neck. "What do," I stopped to kiss him again. "I have to," I panted. "do to make you stay?" Damon quickly rolled me over so that he was on top of me and held my wrists strongly against the floor.
"Why are you doing this Elena?" Damon looked at me strangely.
"I just want you to stay, I'll do anything Damon. I just don't want to stop the blood sharing. Please." I almost cried.
If I lied and told Damon I only wanted him with me for the blood sharing, I knew I had a chance to make Damon not leave me. I knew that if Damon saw that I kissed him out of wanting him, yet I would still not break up with Stefan, he'd leave faster than I could blink. It was better that he thought I'd kissed him just to keep him with me for blood sharing.
"It's all about the blood sharing?" Damon said, almost sounding hurt.
"Yes." I nodded, lying.
"Then why'd you kiss me?" Damon's crinkled nose looked like it was hiding pure sadness in his eyes.
"I didn't want you to leave and I thought if I kissed you, you wouldn't leave me." I panted.
Damon quickly got up and before I could breathe was standing up with an open door. It took me a second to sit up.
"I'll continue this little game, Elena." Damon smirked, with that awful smirk that breaks your heart because you know all of the pain that's lying behind it. "On one condition, Elena." Damon held up one finger and whispered.
I nodded with a gulp my nerves were on high end. "What?"
"No more kissing between us. Not ever." Damon's teasing eyes now looked so solemn and dark I almost shivered.
I stood up, trying to look confident when in reality I was both surprised and hurt by his conditions.
"I won't be the one with trouble following that rule, Damon." I smirked as I put my hands around his neck, trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
Damon didn't look at me before he sunk his teeth into my neck and I gasped.
He was angry.
He was taking out his anger on me.
"Where've you been?" Stefan smiled as he put his arm around me. "I've been looking for you for hours." He looked a little worried, but overly sweet about what I had put him through – I felt terrible.
"I'm sorry, I got caught up." I faked a smile. "You know, I'm really tired. I think I'm gonna head home." I lied.
"Do you need a ride?" He smiled as he looked down at me.
"I don't think so-"
"My car's right here, I'd feel better if I got to spend some time with you, even if it means I have to be your chauffeur." Stefan's sad smile as he gently pointed out the obvious tore at my heart.
"Sure, Stefan." I nodded sweetly.
Why was I such a terrible person? Why was I hurting both Stefan and Damon?
Because I wanted them both.
I love Stefan.
I want Damon.
I would never win.
"What have you been up to lately? How's school?" Stefan asked.
If felt awkward that he would ask such a question seeing as how he was supposed to be my boyfriend. Also because I had only gone to school only once this week as a consequence of Damon and I blood shared so often this week.
"It's going," I paused trying to find the appropriate lie… "well." I nodded.
Stefan looked at me funny.
"I mean as well as it could go for a teenage vampire." I shrugged.
"I haven't really had the chance to go to school much this week. Been a little busy." Stefan shrugged.
As we reached his car, I felt territorial.
"Stefan, is there something between you and Caroline?" I said as he opened my door.
"You mean other than friendship?" Stefan's innocent and confused face proved his innocence, but I decided to push the issue. "Absolutely not, why would you even ask that?" Stefan seemed hurt.
"No reason," I shook my head. "It's just I had heard that you two were friends again." I smiled and played with my thumbs as I waited for him to get into the car.
"You're the only one for me, Elena. Always and forever." Stefan smiled as he got into his seat. He grabbed my hand.
We sat in awkward silence as his cold hand held mine. It was awful. There was no spark, not blood warming, high sexual tension, nervousness, excitement – nothing. It was just cute. It was nice. It was good. I felt like crying.
"I would come in, but I know you're exhausted." Stefan smiled, I looked at him thankfully.
"Stefan, I just want to let you know that-" I paused, unaware of how to phrase my sentence. "You're friendship with Caroline, that makes me very happy." I smiled.
If Stefan hung out with Caroline more, he'd have less time to be wondering where I was and asking questions. Plus, Stefan was so in love with my I was one million percent if Caroline ever even dared to breath a word to Stefan he wouldn't believe her.
"It's good for her to have someone as her friend like you." I smiled, and then turned my body to face him entirely. "I know that things have been different Stefan. I know that we don't see each other as much anymore-"
"Elena-" Stefan tried to interrupt.
"I just want to let you know that I get it. It's part of my transition. There's certain things that I've done and will continue to do and you won't like them or understand them, and I won't understand them either, but there right Stefan. I don't know why, but it's right. And I just want you to know that, okay?" I realized I had probably lost him after my first sentence, because honestly I had lost myself. Why did I just say all of those things?
"What?" Stefan looked at me strangely.
"Goodnight, Stefan." I smiled quickly and kissed him on the cheek.
As Stefan's car drove away, I super sped to my room, knowing that Damon was going to be coming to my house in a little bit.
I had a plan of what to change into before Damon got there and ran to my closet to make sure I could change before he got there but I was too late.
As soon as I stepped foot into my room Damon attacked me and pushed me onto bed.
"Can't I just change?" I gasped with a laugh and extra breath as he scared me.
"No." Damon shook his head.
"Why?" I whined in fear of Damon's solemn look.
He looked lifeless, just like earlier.
When he drank from me at the party it was excellent – but it took him about an hour to finally open up because before that I felt like some cheap deer he was drinking from. Or worse some sorority girl. He wasn't even gentle – he wouldn't even let me feel the things I felt before. I was terrified of him.
I could tell the look on his face meant he would do the same now.
"Because I want you now." Damon's stern words were the final thing I heard before he sunk his fangs into my neck and I moaned loudly.
"Damon," I swallowed. "It's Thursday." I groaned as Damon continued to suck on my neck and I looked at the clock and it sprung 3 am.
"Mhm." Damon moaned against me.
"School…" I whispered, trying to prove some sort of point but never really getting to it.
Ignoring my previous thoughts i pushed him up and flipped us over and growled right before i bit into his neck.
This was technically the 2nd day of school, more like 4th, I was missing this week because of Damon. Well because of both of us, but really mostly him. Sunday he didn't bother seeing me all day until midnight when he came in and basically ravaged my neck – of course I returned the favor. But I couldn't miss Monday, so I went to school late. But during classes, I started getting withdrawals because we hadn't gotten as much blood shared that night before as we had on Saturday, so I had to call him and during lunch and during my history and some of my Spanish class, Damon and I blood shared. Then again after school at around four in the afternoon, and then this was our schedule. But today I had to see Damon 7 times. My addiction to this was only growing worse seeing as how I couldn't get enough.
But at least he had this problem too. It was the only thing I had tied to him. Every morning he would leave me. I would wake up aching, wanting, and depressed because his hands were no longer all over my body. It was horrible. For hours now he wouldn't touch me, and then finally when I'd tire out he'd touch me in places that put me on fire, so I'd be up for hours. It was not getting the usual feelings from the blood sharing that made me want him so badly all the time – I hypothesized. He was not only avoiding the feelings we loved through the blood sharing, but he was also avoiding having any conversations with me. He wouldn't speak that often with me. Most of our encounters were made up of the sounds of slurping and moaning. I was growing impatient.
But it was better when he was as desperate for me as I was for him. Which was the case today. Today we had already called for each other 7 times and this 8th time it only took him 5 minutes to put his hands all over my body like he used to.
We were currently in my room, Damon was laying underneath me on my bed as I drank from him.
Both of us were extremely riled up – to the point where it hurt. The slightest difference in movement from Damon or from myself had both of us shuddering. I couldn't even moan from the fear that one of us was about to take of all of our clothes and die inside of each other.
At this point Damon's hand had slid to the edge of my shirt and I drank from him and time passed, I noticed his hand was inching up slowly. It finally hit my bra strap, but he did nothing but rub soothing circles on my back past that point.
I lifted myself up from him for a quick second so that I could be more comfortable – or so I thought – and I accidently landed right on his extremely erect dick. So he does care...
His legs lifted up from their once laid down position and bent- sliding me down closer to his erection. I couldn't handle all the contact on top of the drinking without relief so I let each of my legs fall on the other side of his thigh so that my heated core was touching his upper thigh. I squeezed against his thigh again and against praying for some sort of relief. He followed as he let his outer leg squeezed me continuously too. I broke away from his neck because this was just too painful and consuming.
I put all my concentration on my squeezing trying to see if I could just get some sort of relief, and Damon did the same. We were basically humping each other, and it was awful but I needed this.
"A-ah-ah-ah" I panted as I tried to feel better.
Damon groaned.
Quickly Damon flipped us over and had me underneath him, I gasped. At that moment I was his slave – I would do anything as long as it included him making the pain go away and allow the pleasure to come in.
"Damon, please." I begged for him to do something.
And in one swift movement, within one blink, the warmth that was once on me left me. There was no one in my room anymore.
I blinked a few times, not believing Damon would just leave me out of nowhere. But after 5 blinks I realized I was wrong.
I had really messed things up with him this time, and now he was torturing me.
I started crying.
SO... yeah. that happened.
Damon's pissed - because if elena actually did this to Damon i'd be pissed - and though it might not make sense - she has to do what she's doing for her to fully grow and develop in the end of the story in my eyes...
reviewwwwwww be nice to me3