Wow. I haven't updated this in 2 years. It really hasn't felt like that long. I am sure you have all been sitting there waiting, constantly pressing refresh in hopes that this life changing next chapter will be posted. Sooooo if your eyes are still functional and haven't fallen out yet, then I have for you the next installment of this oh-so-amazingly-uber-awesome masterpiece! So without further adieu...
The Story So Far According To The Joker: There's not enough love in this world for the Joker anymore. There aren't enough rubber chickens out there either. What ever happened to a rubber chicken in every pot, hm? The only thing in my pot is a severed hand and I had to go out of my way to put that there! (Hey Joker! You're supposed to be giving a summary of the past chapter!) Er, what? Oh yes yes. So there I was the rubber chicken in my hand and I thought to myself 'Would this be an effective tool to beat someone over the head with?' Then I realized 'You never know until you tryyyy!' (Ugh, nevermind)
The Joker stalked quietly through the empty hallway dramatically on his tip-toes. It was all pretty overdone since there was really no reason to be creeping around anyways. There was nobody around besides Harvey and Crane who were both hiding behind a sofa (not that it hid either of them very well). The Joker ordered them to stand there on guard. They had no idea what the Joker was planning, but whatever it was, it couldn't be good.
Crane: Okay, I woke up at seven in the morning after only getting two hours of sleep for this? Joker, I think I have a right to know what you're planning after last night's unpleasant prank.
Joker: Shh…be very very quiet. Use the alias names I told you to use. I'm Squeaky, you're Inky, and Harvey is well-done. HAHA!
Harvey: Quit making fun of my face :(
Crane: What does it matter? The name 'The Joker' is an alias in itself. What does it matter what I call you?
Joker: (stops his sneaking and turns back to Crane with a serious face) How would you like it if I walked around proclaiming your name to everyone, hmm? Hey look everyone! It's Jonathan Crane! Isn't that the nut that used to work at Arkham and also poisoned a part of Gotham?
Crane: Fine. I get it. Forget I said anything. Continue your snooping around…or whatever it is you are up to.
Joker: I will! Stand guard and remain in-con-spicuous.
The Joker turns towards the hallway once more tip-toes cautiously down.
Crane: Harvey, why are we still following this freak around?
Crane turns around and sees Harvey is not there.
Crane: Harvey? Where'd you go?
Hmm, strange. Where could a depressed malformed man go? Actually for that brief moment Harvey actually wasn't unhappy! Nope. Harvey was standing in front of a nearby vending machine, his eyes gleaming over all the amazing sweets safely nestled within the metal frame. Mmmm…Reese's Pieces.
Crane: Harvey! What are you doing?
Harvey: Crane! Quick! I'm a quarter short.
Crane: (checks pockets) Well it seems I have no change on me.
Harvey: But…but…(begins to weep) AUGH! WHY IS THE WORLD PUNISHING ME! All I want is Reese's Pieces and I can't even have that!
Uh oh, spoke too soon. It seems he has resorted back to emo angst.
Harvey: (pulls out his gun and puts it to his temple) Goodbye cruel world…
Crane: WHOA HARVEY! Calm down! We'll find you a quarter! We can ask around and…HARVEY PUT THE GUN DOWN!
Harvey slowly lowers the gun.
Harvey: (sniff) You-you mean it?
Crane: Yes, yes. How hard can it be to find a quarter? Now quit being such a drama queen.
So Crane and Harvey ventured off. Crane insisted on just using Harvey's lucky coin. Harvey reacted to this proposition by immediately slamming Crane's head forcefully into the wall. Never ever would Crane remark on Harvey's coin again. Meanwhile, the Joker was having the time of his life sneaking about. What exactly was he sneaking around for? WHAT I ASK YOU? Wait…I'm the only who can answer that. At that moment a man entered wearing a magician's top hat and carrying a black bag. A magical black bag.
Joker: (walks up to the magician) Hello.
Magician: (startled) Who are you?
Joker: I'm the Joker!
(Insert gruesome murder scene here.)
Back with our two other villains, little progress had been made. Ten people asked and no one was willing to give up a quarter. Geez man. This is why the people of Gotham deserve cruel, cruel deaths. But it might have also been due to the fact that everyone practically ran screaming when they saw the two villains come towards them.
Harvey: Why is this world so unfair to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?
Crane: Well, you did kill some people. That must account for something.
Harvey: But it's not fair! Nothing in this world is fair! (eyes the vending machine angrily) You're the thing standing between me and true happiness! You!
Harvey runs at the vending machine and begins to kick it repeatedly.
Harvey: STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID MACHINE!
Crane: Hm, it seems you've resorted to violence against inanimate objects. Sad.
Harvey then pulls out his gun and points it directly at the vending machine. He then takes out his coin.
Harvey: Okay vending machine, heads you live. Tails, you die!
FLIP! It spins in the air and it lands.
Harvey: HAH! Tails! See you in hell vending machine.
But just as Harvey is about to press the trigger, Crane yells at him to stop. Oh? What has made Crane intervene at such a pinnacle moment?
Crane: There's a quarter on the floor right next to the vending machine!
Harvey: Gasp! (picks up the quarter) Eureka! Maybe my luck is finally beginning to turn.
Crane: (grumbling angrily) You don't deserve that quarter, especially after slamming my head into that wall.
Harvey puts the money into the vending machine and pushes the button for the candy.
Harvey: Relax, everything is fine now. Everything is finally- NOOOO!
And as quickly as Harvey's luck had changed, it turned once more. The candy got stuck! Oh noes! Oh woe! I never trusted vending machines myself. Half the time the snacks just get stuck. Defective technology! And so Harvey raised his gun in pure fury.
Harvey: Go to hell vending machine!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Crane: Harvey, you're insane!
Harvey: Damn straight.
The glass of the vending machine shattered and all the delicious sweets fell to the floor. FREE CANDY!
Harvey: Candy! (gathers as many snacks as he can into his arms) Precious, precious snacks. Nothing will take me away from you. You're all I have now…
Crane: There, you have your foul snacks! We have to go before security gets here to investigate those gunshots.
Harvey: Fuck you Crane! You think you have it so great! You think you're sooo amazing because you wear a stupid sweater vest and glasses! You think you're so smart! Well I hope you choke on your damn complacency! You're not better than me!
Crane: I didn't say-
Harvey: No! Don't try playing your mind games on me! I know what you're up to!
Crane: Harvey-
Harvey: I may not have created some crazy airborne weapon like you but I have a gun and that's all I need to commit crime! (Stuffing candy into his mouth) LEAVE ME BE!
Crane: Harvey I wasn't attacking you. I just said let's go!
Joker: (appearing from seemingly nowhere) Is this what you call being inconspicuous?
Crane: It's not me. Mister Harvey 'the world hates me' Dent is the one making a scene.
Harvey: (Still eating his candy) Fuck you.
Joker: Well I came because it seems my supposed guards have abandoned their post.
Crane: Look Joker, I don't know what it is you are up to but…hey where did you get that black bag?
Joker: Glad you asked! This here is part of my new scheme!
Crane: Scheme? What are you planning?
Joker: How should I know? I just took this! I just do things as they come along. And you two are going to help me. (pulls out the free magic show tickets) Remember these?
Harvey: We're going to the magic show?
Joker: No, not going to the magic show. We're hosting the magic show!
Crane: Oh and you plan to kill everyone there I imagine.
Joker: You're a smart one doctor.
Harvey: But…but…our vacation…
Joker puts his arms around Crane and Harvey and pulls them closer. There's a smile on his face and demented ideas in his mind.
Joker: But what's a vacation without a little chaos to go along with it? We are going to show Gotham what villains are truly about! We'll show them fear! And retribution! But I am going to need help from the two of you. So how about it? Just a little fun?
Harvey and Crane look at each other and sigh in agreement.
Joker: Then on with the show! HAHAHAHA!
The Joker rushes away laughing and Harvey and Crane are left watching the manic run off. Crane glares in seething rage while Harvey munches on his candy indifferently.
Harvey: I think the Joker is always on a sugar high. Er, Crane? Something wrong?
Crane: That clown! He's my problem! He's wasting my time here and I've nothing to help me in my research.
Harvey: That's too bad. Here, have some candy.
Crane: No…what I need to do is show that clown who the real mastermind here is.
Harvey: Conspiracy against the Joker? Gasp! What are you planning?
Crane: Magic show sabotage.
Harvey: Oh, well, uh have fun.
Crane: And you're going to help me.
Harvey: What? But…
Crane: But what? He killed your girlfriend!
Harvey: True. But, wait-you're just playing your mind tricks on me! No! I won't do it!
Crane: (sigh) Well, I didn't think you would. I knew you didn't mind what the Joker was saying about you…
Harvey: Wait, wait! He's been saying things about me? (Eyes growing watery) Mean things?
Crane: Oh, no. Really, it's nothing. Just a few things. I'm sure you wouldn't mind.
Harvey: Like what? What has the fuckin' clown been saying?
Crane: Oh, just something about you being a deformed freak…
Harvey: Freak? I-I-I am not!
Crane: And I think the Joker said something about you not being a true villain. But don't get worked up about it. I'm sure he was only teasing.
Harvey: But I am too a true villain! I'll show him! I am just as good as he is! I'll show him! Count me in!
Crane: (smirking silently to himself) Thought so. (Back to Harvey) Ok I need you to keep this a secret from the Joker of course. Both of us will be the biggest villains in Gotham! With the Joker out of the way, I can keep the fear alive! No interruptions from that maniac!
Harvey: Well what are you planning?
Crane laughs a small sinister laughs. There is a twinkle in his eye.
Crane: Leave it to me.
In the next scene, we return back to the hotel room where Harvey is sitting on the bed, candy and various wrappers strewn around him. The Joker lies on his stomach on the floor with a stack of magazines beside him, three markers (red, black, and green), and one open magazine in front of him. To pass the time until the show, he has occupied himself by drawing Joker faces on every person in the magazine as well as the occasional HAHAHAHA scribbled over the page. But there is someone missing? The pretty boy of the group? Oh right, Jonathan Crane. Well, if you MUST know (why I suppose to you should as to continue the plotline), he went off to create an interesting little contraption much like a time bomb but releasing a large amount of his scary fear spray instead. What will this be used for? I'M NOT REVEALING JUST YET! HAH! Anyways, Crane returns back to the room, hiding the small contraption under his coat.
Joker: (without looking up from his drawing) Where have you been Crane?
Crane: Me? (trying to stay calm) I -er- I was at the...gift shop.
Joker: Oh really? Doesn't sound like your cup-o-tea, Crane.
Crane: I was er, inquiring about a book. A novel...something you wouldn't be interested in.
Joker: You sure took a long time there for that.
Crane: The shop owner and I had a, er, misunderstanding.
Joker: (looks up from his magazine) Now that's the spirit! Hihihihi.
Crane: Have you just been drawing on celebrities face this whole time?
Joker: Yes.
Crane: Productive.
Joker: Makes me wonder why I haven't been hired to do any of the make-up for any of these big time celebrities. I'd make them look unforgettable!
Crane: Yeah, I wonder the same thing too.
(Crane is about to walk into the bathroom when suddenly another one of the Joker's inquiries stops Crane in his tracks)
Joker: What do you have bundled up there in that coat Crane?
Crane: What was that?
Joker points to the suspiciously large bundle Crane is holding.
Crane: This is..is...a toaster.
Joker: Oh perfect! I was in desperate neeeeed of one of those. They make a perfect comedy prop.
Crane: No. It's my toaster. Get your own you sick clown. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking my bag and leaving.
The Joker stared at Crane for a moment and then jumped onto his feet. He was not happy about that news. Not one bit. Harvey looked at the both of them, interested in the immediate tension that just begun.
Joker: Leaving. No goodbye? No warning of any kind? No 'Thank you Joker for your extreme act of kindness and for blessing me with your presence'?
Crane: I don't find myself obligated to do any of those things.
Joker: Now now dearest Crane, that's not very. I wouldn't want you turning against me at any moment. You wouldn't do that to your good ol' uncle Joker right?
Crane: I respectfully decline to answer that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am leaving again for a reason I cannot disclose. I'll meet you at the show.
Crane rushes back out the door as quickly as he entered to get away from any further questioning.
Joker: Sooooo Harvey, how would you like to be part of my little master scheme?
Harvey: Er, aren't I already?
Joker: No, I think it is time we do something about that straw-filled thing that keeps following us around.
Harvey: Crane? Are we going to throw more cold water on him?
Joker: No, no that was just an innocent fun joke. I think it's time we do something about him. I'll let you on a little seeeecret. I made a neat little bomb and-
Harvey: A bomb? We're going to kill Crane?
Joker: Shh! We don't want our friend to hear, and yes, why not? It will be fun!
Harvey: I can't do that!
Joker: Oh well, I didn't think you could. I didn't think you minded those things Crane has been saying about you anyways.
Harvey: Wait, wait! Crane has been saying things about me? He wouldn't...
Joker: You're right. Just forget I brought it up. It's not important.
Harvey: Well…did he say mean things?
Joker: Just…things. Don't worry your pretty, er, burnt little face about it.
Harvey: No! What has Crane been saying? Has he been calling me deformed and ugly and that I am not a real villain?
Joker: HAHA why, that is exactly what he has been saying about you!
Harvey: How dare he! I thought he was my friend!
Joker: You know we can always do something about that…
Harvey: But...do that to Crane? He always seemed nice.
Joker: Well you know those psychiatrists. They are always soooo good at pretending they care.
Harvey: (takes out his coin) Heads I go with it, tails I refuse.
The coin flies into the air. Flip, flip, flip and Harvey catches it. Uh oh. HEADS!
Harvey: Looks like we will be teaching Jonathan a lesson.
Joker: HAHAHA GREAT! And don't forgeeeet. This is our wil' lil' secret. Now, here's what we're going to do…
So there you have it folks! Huh? What was that? No magic show like I said before? No sorry, I got caught up in the plot building but I promise it for the next chapter!
Reviews are always kind too.