one-shot; compassion/cruelty
pairing: hange zoë-centric, with a side of levi/hanji
word count: 1720 words
note: for Hange Week at hangelab on tumblr. Prompt for Day 6: Compassion/Cruelty. Spoilers for manga (chapter 52 – 55) and the anime (season 3, episode 2).

It had not been a good day.

Scooping a handful of ice-cold water, Hange splashed it onto her face, rubbing her cheeks tiredly. As her hands slid down from herface, she stared at them. There were still traces of dried blood staining her fingers, and there was more blood, and skin, embedded under her fingernails. Gritting her teeth, she plunged her hands into the basin of water, scrubbing her fingers and hands, picking at her nails, trying her best to rid her hands of Del Sannes' blood.

Blood and dirt never used to bother her; after all, she had spent majority of her days covered in dirt, grime, Titan blood and other unmentionable fluids. It was part and parcel of being a soldier, and a scientist. But this, this was different.

She rubbed at her thumb furiously, watching as the last patch of dried blood disappeared under the water and her ministrations. She lifted her hands out of the water, examining them. They were clean now.

She stared down at the water, expecting to see the blood that she had washed off reflected in its depths, but the water was pristine and clean, almost mockingly so. The blood is still on your hands, you know, sounded a voice in her head. Her hands looked clean, but they didn't feel clean. They were not free of the blood that had stained them.

Cursing under her breath, Hange swept aside the basin of water, watching as it crashed onto the floor, water spilling everywhere, pooling on the floor. Her mind flashed back to that room in the basement.

A coagulating pool of blood on the floor, where it was still collecting fresh blood, dripping from Sannes' broken fingers. She shut her eyes, but she could still see it; and bits and pieces of nails swimming in the blood. Her fingers clenched themselves into fists, as she thought to herself, admitted itto herself, I enjoyed that. I enjoyed hurting him, because he deserved it.

Every single moment she spent torturing Sannes; pulling out his nails, digging her own fingernails into the raw flesh, crushing his fingers…she had felt no remorse. There was only anger, pure anger, as well as satisfaction, as she remembered what Minister Nick had gone through. She wanted that for his torturers, she wanted to pay them back a hundred times over.

But at the same time, Sannes was a human being. And she had felt nothing for him; despite telling Levi she was starting to feel sorry for him, she didn't, not really. In fact, she had felt more, far more, for the Titans.

As much as Hange used to be someone that was filled with hatred and anger, she had never believed in or condoned the act of torture, because it was an act that she deemed vindictive and needless.

Therefore, she had always hated her necessary cruelty towards the Titans. It was one thing to kill them in battle, of course – it was clean cuts and slices, there was no torture involved. It was different under experimental conditions. She had done some truly terrible things towards the captured Titans, subjecting them to acid, to poison, to bombs. She had carved out various parts of their bodies, listening to their moans and screams, and trying to block it out. And she had apologized to them, every single time, because that was the way she felt that she could keep her humanity.

She had to subject her Titans to those endless cycles of pain, because it was something that had to be done. It was to save humanity, therefore, she had no choice. She could rationalise that cruelty, and live with it.

But now, this. There was no rationalisation. The extent of torture she and Levi had inflicted upon Sannes was not necessary. They – she – could have taken a step back. But she didn't, and she didn't want to. She wanted to inflict even more pain upon him, she wanted to carve out chunks of his flesh, like what she had done with the Titans. Only this would not be for research, it would serve no purpose other than subjecting Sannes to the worst kinds of pain imaginable.

"What have I become?" She whispered to herself. This wasn't who she was supposed to be, someone who actually relished in suffering of another human. But this world, as it was now, this war, was making her question everything she thought she knew, including her own humanity.

They were supposed to fight the Titans; only to realise now that Titans may be humans, and humans, those who lived among them, may turn out to be the real enemy.

Pulling down her glasses from the top of her head, she straightened her shoulders, and brushed back her wet bangs. There was neither time nor space for her to wallow, she thought. It was what it was.

Hange couldn't sleep.

She wandered through the hallways of the dilapidated castle that they were currently using as a base, heading for the room they were calling a kitchen. She needed a drink; she knew Moblit probably had a bottle or two stashed somewhere.

As she was about to take a corner, she paused. She was standing outside Levi's room. Biting her lip, she raised her hand, and knocked.

"Come in," Levi's low voice sounded, and she pushed opened the door, and took in the scene before her. He was sitting on the makeshift bed, holding a bloodied cloth. Another piece of cloth, also dotted with blood, laid crumpled beside him. He looked up as she entered the room. "What do you want, shitty glasses?"

She crossed the room, kneeling down beside him, and looked at his hand. His knuckles were all split and bleeding, and he was in the midst of cleaning the wounds. She raised an eyebrow. "I thought you wore gloves."

"The gloves were shitty," he answered off-handedly, as he tossed aside the bloodied cloth, and picked up a roll of bandages. They both knew the real reason, of course, that Levi had used so much force that the gloves did nothing to protect his hands. She could still see it in her mind; Sannes' face, a pulpy, bloody mess, his jaw broken and hanging slackly.

She shook her head a little, and then took the bandages from him. "Let me help you." He grunted his assent, and she picked up his right hand, surveying the damage he had done upon himself. Dark bruises covered his knuckles, and blood was still seeping from the broken skin. Sighing softly, she picked up one of the discarded cloths and dabbed at his wounds, soaking up more blood, pressing against them, applying pressure so the bleeding would lessen.

A small hiss escaped him, and she eased the pressure, just a little. "Did that hurt?" she asked, without looking up.

"No," he said flatly.

Unrolling the bandages, Hange carefully started winding it around Levi's hand, watching as the clean, white strips gradually covered the bruises and the split skin, hiding the evidence of his – their – cruelty. Binding the bandages tightly, she dropped his right hand, and picked up his left, repeating the same procedure.

As she cleaned his left hand slowly, carefully, she felt her throat catching inexplicably. So maybe she was still capable of compassion. Maybe she wasn't a complete monster, maybe she wasn't like them.That was nice to know.

Pushing her thoughts away, she started bandaging his left hand, completing the task quickly. She didn't release his hand from hers when she finished; she continued holding it, running her thumb over his bandaged knuckles.

"Four eyes," he said. "We had to do it."

It was not surprising that he knew exactly what she was thinking, without needing her to say even a single word. He just knew, as he usually did. "Did we really?" she said tonelessly, as she dropped his hand from hers.

"Yes, because we needed him to fucking spit out the information, so that we can rescue Eren and Historia."

That was what she told herself, too. But was it really? Could she really justify her cruelty, just like that?

"I enjoyed it," she said, voicing it out for the first time. "I actually apologised to the Titans for hurting them, but Sannes, I wanted to torture him even more. I wanted to…" kill him, she finished the thought in her head. Kill him, so that I can fully avenge Minister Nick.

He exhaled, a huff of air escaping him. "Hange," he said. "Look at me." She raised her eyes to his, and he looked at her calmly, stoically. "It is what it is."

She remembered telling herself the same thing, as she was washing the blood off her hands.

"It's a war we're fighting. And we have to win, by any means necessary. If that means torturing a man, an enemy that had killed countless of people because of some fucking stupid ideology that no one even fucking understands, then so be it."

Dropping her gaze, Hange didn't respond. She understood what he was trying to say, but she still couldn't rid herself of her thoughts, at least not completely. She didn't want to lose herself.

"It makes you fucking human to feel vengeance. What's done is done. So just accept it, and keep going." His tone was even, matter-of-fact.

He was right, of course. In some ways, there was no other choice. She could hate this part of her, this cruelty within her, but she had to reconcile with it.

She drew in a breath. "Okay," she said. "Okay."

But I still want to be me. Who I was. That's who I want to be. Hange Zoë.

"You did what you had to do. It doesn't fucking change who you are." He leaned down a little, and placed his hand on her cheek. "You're still shitty, and you still need a bath."

You are still her.

She let out a laugh, feeling the warmth and comfort of his touch. Maybe Levi was right. Maybe this didn't change who she was. Maybe she was still who she thought she was. She closed her eyes, and swallowed hard, and rested her head gently on his lap.

"I've got you, four eyes," he said, combing his fingers through her hair. "You're all right."

Sides of compassion/cruelty for both Hanji and Levi - I hope the idea came through!