Center of Truth
by joebthegreat
Chapter 6: Super Smash Metro
Samus was wearing a deep blue dress. Blue had always suited her, and she thought she looked good in dresses. The dress was strapless, and fell just short of her knees, which was much more provocative than the traditional dresses Samus was used to wearing. Tonight she was determined to be a goddess, and she would make Pit ache with desire, even if it killed her. (0)
As she was applying her deep red lipstick, a knock came at the door.
"Who is it?" Samus chirped.
"It's me, Zelda!" Zelda replied. "Ready for our date?"
"Am I ever!" Samus smiled, opening the door. Zelda was standing in her pink royal dress, with the gold trim and long white gloves. She always looked absolutely stunning when she wore that outfit.
"Oh Samus! You look like a slut!" Zelda pushed Samus into the room, closing the door behind them. "What are you trying to do, rape him?"
"Hey! I was going to say you looked stunning!" Samus pushed Zelda back. "But now I think it would be better to just say you look like a prude!"
"Excuse me for having a sense of what's good formal attire and what isn't!" Zelda brushed her hair to the side, looking into the air indignantly.
"Peach told me to go with a less is more approach!" Samus thought back to earlier in the day, when Peach, still covered in blood from last night, had come over and muttered those exact words, before passing out.
"Peach is a terrible influence." Zelda scoffed. "And where is she now? Back at the bar? She's not going out with us on a date. She doesn't even know what a date is!"
"Oh, be nice!" Samus cried. "She's a strong woman! Sometimes I wish I could be stronger, like her. I let men push me around too much!"
"Be assertive, not aggressive." Zelda looked Samus in the eyes, putting a hand on her shoulders. "Believe me, you don't have to be a bitch to be a strong woman."
"Well then stop being a bitch about my outfit!" Samus joked.
"Oh come on!" Zelda protested. "At least cover your shoulders!"
"Only weak women let MEN tell them to cover their shoulders!" Peach groaned, stumbling out of the closet.
"Well it's a good thing I'm a woman then." Zelda pushed Peach out the door and kicked her down the stairs. A loud crack could be heard at the bottom, and Peach was silent.
"Here, I'll wear some long blue stockings and blue gloves, so while my shoulders are exposed, I at least won't seem so bare." Samus pulled up the accessories. "Is that a suitable compromise?"
"Good idea!" Zelda said, turning from the door and wiping the sheer hatred from her face. "But hurry up! It's almost time to go!"
Meanwhile, the men were busy preparing.
"Are you ready?" Link asked, coming out of the bathroom in a full tux, with a green dress shirt underneath. His golden hair was parted and combed to give a presentable appearance.
"As always," Marth sighed, turning around to show his gleaming tiara. His royal blue cape flowed down, framing his regal appearance. "I wish you would tell me who I'm going out with this time. I really need to get away from this dirty business."
"Trust me, you'll like this person. They're a lot like you." Link began listing on his fingers. "Doesn't like dirty stuff, flat personality..."
"Hey! I have a deep personality!" Marth protested.
"Tell me one thing about you, besides the fact you don't like dirty businesses!" Link laughed.
"I'm getting more accustomed to this dirty business!" Marth pointed. "Which implies that I'm willing to learn and work at something even though it disgusts me!"
"When did you ever tell anyone you were getting more accustomed to anything?" Link asked.
"Just because I never told you doesn't make it not true!" Marth yelled.
"Look, it's about time for us to leave." Link said.
"Where are we going, anyway?" Marth asked.
"The Jungle Restaurant, in downtown," Link opened the door, walking out.
"Isn't that the one owned by a monkey?" Marth asked, following Link.
"I didn't know you were a racist," Link frowned. (1)
Donkey Kong's Jungle Restaurant was always a party. Most people asked Donkey Kong why he bothered working at a restaurant when he lived in a mansion that provided everything anyone could ever want. Donkey Kong made it a point to hurt those people.
Today was a special occasion! Four friends were coming to his restaurant! He had reserved the best seats in the house, and had his best cooks on full alert, waiting for the moment they would walk in.
Pit had come to the restaurant first, wearing angelic robes, and sat waiting for his party to arrive. It didn't take long, as Link and Marth came walking in only a few minutes later.
"Hey Pit!" Link smiled, walking over the the table and shaking his hand. "Meet Marth!"
"I've already met him, of course," Pit licked his lips. "But yes, nice to formally meet you, Marth."
"Um, Link?" Marth asked, nervously. "You told me there would be four people on our date?"
"Yes?" Link took a seat and smiled politely.
"So, was there a last minute change?" Marth was still standing by the table, awkwardly. "Are there going to be six people here?"
"Oh! No!" Link laughed. "Don't worry! Zelda should be here any minute! You know how girls are, always taking their time!"
Marth laughed uncomfortably, Pit was just looking hungrily at Marth.
"Ah, um, yes. And there are only four chairs here!" Marth's laughter died down. "And where will all the ladies sit?"
"No, no, no!" Link continued laughing jovially. "Zelda's coming here alone!"
Just then, Zelda walked in with Samus. They looked around for a bit, before stomping over to the table.
"Just who the hell is this?" Zelda screamed, casting Marth a dirty glare.
"What's that slut doing here?" Link yelled, standing up and throwing Pit's glass of water in Samus's face.
"At least I don't promote Pit's dangerous and filthy bad habit!" Zelda spat, kicking the table over.
"That's it! I've had it with your bigotry! I'm fucking done, Zelda! I'm done!" Link stormed off, making sure to land a punch to her face as he left.
Zelda fell to the ground, holding her nose. Blood was falling from her hands. Tears began to stream down her face.
Pit was too busy eyeing Marth hungrily to notice the turn of events.
"I think I should go." Marth shifted uncomfortably.
"Yeah," Zelda cried. "You should."
Marth stood up and began to walk out.
"Wait!" Pit jumped up, reaching to Marth with longing eyes. "Don't leave!"
"I don't know what Link told you, but I'm not gay." Marth said, looking deep into Pit's loving gaze. He turned and walked briskly out of the restaurant.
"Oh don't mind them!" Samus jumped onto Pit, forcing him back onto the chair with her in his lap, as she began to grind against him. "I'll show you what a real woman has to offer!"
Pit didn't even notice the woman wiggling around on top of him. His gaze remained focused on the door Marth had just walked through.
"I-I can't believe it!" Zelda sobbed, the blood and tears ruining her dress. "I can't believe that bastard would actually leave me! And all over some queer!"
"Are we talking about the event at the restaurant, or the other thing?" Pit asked, confused. (2)
Meanwhile, Marth had stormed his way over to Link just as he was opening the door to his car.
"Hey, asshole!" Marth yelled. "Were you ever planning on telling me my date was a guy?"
"What does it matter to you?" Link asked, leaning against his car. "I pay you to go on a date with someone. I don't pay you to like it."
"I need to get out of this dirty business." Marth looked down with sorrow.
"Now, you owe me the money back unless you get back in that restaurant and work your moves!" Link yelled.
"No," Marth opened the passenger side door. "I'm going back with you. I'll pay you what I owe you. I'm not doing that."
Link sighed and shook his head. Why did all his friends have to be such intolerant jerks? (3)
As Link and Marth drove back to the mansion, Meta Knight was walking the street, his hands weren't in his pockets, because he didn't have pockets. If he did, then his hands would have been in them. He was busy thinking about life. How was he supposed to live in a mansion where floating hands had people carry out strange idiotic tasks? They were putting everyone in danger! And yet, they were responsible for everyone's extravagant lives the first place. Was it really so bad, that they put a giant killer fish in the swimming pool? The Smashers were all adults. The Smashers were all capable of handling themselves. Perhaps none of the strange things the hands were doing was actually endangering anybody?
Meta Knight ignored the sirens, and continued walking. He ignored the screams of pedestrians as he went into a back alley. He was too lost in his thoughts to bother wondering why children screamed and ran when he approached.
"Looking for something, stranger?" A tall dark man asked from behind a heavy cloak.
"I need to know the largest importer of fish in the region." Meta Knight said, pulling a small sack from behind his mask and throwing it to the man. (4)
"There's a warehouse, five blocks from here, they get all kinds of giant tropical fish from the shore. Careful though, I hear the guy who runs it is tough." the dark man said, before suddenly vanishing in the shadows, leaving a brief flash of purple fire.
Meta Knight sighed. Ganondorf could be so melodramatic sometimes.
Jigglypuff was watching from just around the corner. Her eyes were bright and wide. Meta Knight's weird friend had just vanished, and now Meta Knight was all alone in that dark alley! This was the opportune moment to jump him!
"Jiggly, Jigglypuff," Jigglypuff sighed, floating up behind Meta Knight and bouncing against him.
"What are you doing here?" Meta Knight pushed Jigglypuff in anger. "Don't you know it's dangerous to be wandering through dark alleys in the city at night!"
Jigglypuff moaned. She loved it when he put his hands on her. She loved it when he was rough with her. She wanted more.
"You're hopeless!" Meta Knight screamed, flying off into the night.
Jigglypuff pouted.
Charizard was watching from just around the corner. His eyes were twinkling. That vile and thoughtless Meta Knight had left her alone in a dark alley! Now was his chance to show her his love! To show her that he was actually there for her! To show her that he would never leave her alone in a dark alley! Charizard threw a ski mask on and went to work.
"Char! Charizard! Char!" Charizard screamed, kicking the nearby wall down, exposing the dank bar inside. He breathed fire into the establishment, killing everyone inside. Flying into the air, he roared in anger, blasting fire onto the nearby street, causing cars to explode. Then he swooped down, through the roof of another nearby building, a plume of debris getting kicked into the air, while flames exploded from every window.
Screams of terror could be heard throughout the city, as it was engulfed in the fiery passion of Charizard.
Jigglypuff ran in terror, trying to escape this burning hell. (5)
"Did you hear that?" Pit asked, as a loud and not so distant boom shook the restaurant.
"Everybody! There's a crazed monster terrorizing the city! Run! Run!" Donkey Kong jumped onto a table, beating his chest. "Save yourselves! Everybody save your..."
A piece of the ceiling collapsed, crushing the monkey. Diddy Kong ran to his uncle in shocked disbelief.
"I think this is a good time to leave." Pit stood up, Samus still wrapped around him.
"Oh what's the point of living anymore!" Zelda cried.
"Shut up and come with me!" Pit yelled grabbing Zelda by the wrist and dragging her out of the restaurant.
The normally beautiful skyline was now covered in smoke, as fire reached into the sky. Sirens and screams could be heard from what seemed like everywhere. Crowds were running around in the streets with no sense of direction. Just as Pit was taking it all in, the restaurant behind them collapsed. Bloody cries of terror were drowned out in the rubble.
"We need to get to your car!" Pit yelled over the noise. "Who drove?"
Zelda pointed, and Pit saw Samus's ship in a nearby lot.
"Let's go!" Pit yelled, holding Zelda's wrist with a death grip as he pushed through the crowd.
Samus was too busy clinging to Pit to realize anything was happening.
(0)That was an exaggeration. If forced to chose between survival and Pit's love, she would pick survival. This is because she is a coward afraid of true love.
(1)Link had always known Marth was a racist, but he tried to shame him every time it came up nonetheless.
(2)Zelda was talking about the other thing.
(3)At this point Roy had been brutally stabbed to death.
(4)The sack was full of an element often called "fools gold", which is another name for "dollar bills".
(5)Don't worry, she probably escaped.
Will Charizard get Jigglypuff? Will Meta Knight get over it? Will Jigglypuff get Meta Knight? Will the city be rebuilt? Will Pit get Marth? Will Marth get away? Will Link and Zelda get back together?
And what about Snake and Peach? And what about Lucas and Nana? And what about Dr. Mario and his stupid beard growth machine?
How many chapters will it take for me to wrap up all these loose ends and deal with this pesky killer subplot anyway?