Time for a commercial break!
And now, home shopping with the Velvet Room Cultural Centre. Find whatever you need to improve your relationships!
Karaoke!
(Image of Jim and Charlotte singing)
Sports!
(Nicia beating up group of people)
Water games!
(Marisa going down a waterslide. Do they sell water park-size waterslides like that?)
Medicine!
(Davina holding a clipboard, wearing glasses and a doctor's coat, standing back-to-back with the Twelfth Doctor)
And more!
Our featured specialty product: Cure! Designed to cure anyone of anything - even the recently branded "Lovey-Dovey Disease!"
(Charlotte and Nacht posing like Kenshin Uesugi and Kasuga.)
Or massive damage caused by adventuring.
(Picture of Jim after being used as booby-trap activator in the Tower of Druaga.)
Or even if you need a little pick-me-up.
(Picture of Viggo grinning with a blue aura around him, his six katanas unleashed.)
Just dial 429-496-7296, or our hotline at 444-444-4444.
Order now, and we'll send you two free cases of Nep Bull EX II, the most potent version of Nep Bull - FREE!
Nep Bull gives you Neeeeeps.
*Everyone collective facepalm*
Cure! Never feel sick again. In fact, never feel lovesick again.
Warning: Cure is not a replacement for sleep. Receive your eight hours of sleep every day - especially when working on massive Christmas stories and other important projects. Side effects include growing attack eyebrows.
Twelfth Doctor (off-screen): These are ATTACK eyebrows — you could take bottle tops off with these! They're CROSS! They're crosser than the rest of your face. They're independently cross! They probably want to cede from the rest of your face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows!
Charlotte (off): Get ready to feel… WOKEN!
Nicia (off): Better find a way to convince Marisa to add hair-loss causers to her water attacks.
Santa (off): Would Flandre's destruction skill be fast enough to keep up? Have to find out how Cure interacts with nuclear fallout. [Exit to perform mad science research]
Charlotte and Nacht (off): Sleep is not a disease!
Davina (off): Not if you're Jamiebel.
[...]
On the next episode of "Frédéric Loeb's Man Lab," Frédéric puts an adage to the test:
Frédéric: "'He couldn't run a whelk store.' Often, this is used to condemn a person's inability of running the country, or a large organization. Like Roger Goodell, Brian France, Sepp Blatter, Bernie Ecclestone, Pierre Fillon and especially Donald Trump, who couldn't run a whelk store in Whelkington, surrounded by whelks at the height of the whelking season. In fact, he may as well call Whelkington an 's-hole.' Censored for family audiences."
Frédéric has his protégé, Jim Eligino, run a whelk store during a popular multicultural festival, armed with a budget, his knowledge of languages and a motley tent, in order to make a profit.
Jim: "Whelks! Whelks! Three for the bargain price of one euro! Whelks…!"
Will Jim prove himself capable of becoming a successful businessman... or even, becoming a capable politician? Also...
Frédéric: "Can you make your own luck?"
Alpha and Frédéric put themselves through 100 rounds of the Beer Hunter game to find out if luck is born or made.
Frédéric: (quickly) "3-2-1!"
(Alpha and Frédéric open their cans of beer above their heads - Alpha's goes flowing onto his, prompting the Frenchman to cackle.)
Who will be the last dry man standing?
Frédéric: (shaking, from all the cold beer that had been overflowing onto his head) "...Cut."
"Frédéric Loeb's Man Lab," Tuesdays, 9:00pm, only on SWA TV.
[...]
"We are creating Persona-shaped pillows for each Persona that Davina acquires during this story." Mary informed the audience.
Davina walked over with an Izanagi pillow on top of her head. "I love my Pillowsona - it keeps me comfortable and protected through the night, and wards off any shadows!"
"They are also highly effective offensive devices."
Mary demonstrates on Davina with a Black Magician (or Dark Magician, if you so wish) pillow. Davina chuckles, and reaffirms the demonstration on Mary with her Izanagi pillow.
"Collect them all, and show your friends the power of bonds!"
"Or how much you want to pillow fight them."
"Order now, and we'll even include these adorable Jamiebel, Marzia, Nicia and Santa plushies! Just pay shipping and handling!"
"Only $19.84 - except Cross Eyes Alpha and Beta, which is double."
[...]
Take one classically restored Rolls-Royce hitched to a caravan…
Enzo: "The ride on this thing is absolutely sublime."
Frédéric: "It's a Rolls-Royce, what do you expect? They lead the way in luxury and Cheshiredom."
Enzo: "I expect the things on this 'Things to say to sound sophisticated' list i found to make sense - what does being below a lime have to do with being really cool?"
Add two men in their wine-tasting prime…
Frédéric: "That's a really nice stout, that is, full-bodied. The taste doesn't come at you like a scrum."
Enzo: "Do you think the owner will make us pay for the hole in the wall that he made after he Brogue Kicked me through it?"
And send them across Europe on a journey to find the drink that speaks for the continent...
Enzo: "I wanna enjoy this wine, could you not please sound like a wine ponce for once?"
Frédéric: "This is a wine I have to listen to - log the taste and all that gubbins."
Enzo: "I've never heard of a talking alcohol before."
The result?
Frédéric: "'Water of life,' indeed! This whisky is something else!"
Enzo: "That's a real smooth beer - and it's only, what, aged ten years? That's pretty amazing - too bad it probably won't ever get the chance to enter a higher age category. If it were a 100,000 year - well, no point speculating."
The journey of a lifetime.
Frédéric: (laughing) "You are such a fathead."
Enzo: "Am not! You are such a cynic!"
*Back and forth - are/not/are/not...*
"Enzo and Frédéric Drink to Europe," Wednesdays, 9:30pm, only on SWA TV.
[...]
"Today, the SWA is unveiling its newest invention - prosthetic legs!" Santa advertised the product.
The prosthetic legs are being demonstrated by Savyna, showing off the legs by wearing shorts.
"They're almost as good as real legs, and have many points that allow attaching optional items to show off your own style."
Savyna removes her right leg, picks up a rocket launcher and equips it to her leg, before firing a flurry of rockets at targets.
"Of course, they are legs, so they can use a variety of mobility-enhancing attachments."
Savyna removes the other leg and the rocket launcher, and equips herself with tank treads… before climbing a large dirt hill. She flashes a thumbs up.
"Only $9,999,999.99 while supplies last."
"Call your insurance company for more details," Savyna added quickly, as she passed by the picture. "Only available if you are a cyborg. Offer expires in 25 minutes, y'all."
[...]
On the next "Nacht and Charlotte"...
"Charlotte! How could you fall in love with a Kromell?!" Ieyasu scolded Charlotte.
"I never told you about that! Who told you?!" the heir to the Haywoods shot back.
"Nobody - I simply used what I saw and heard to understand things."
"Why won't you let me love who I want to?! I don't even love my arranged marriage!"
Tadakatsu whirred in disappointment. 「...! ? ! ? ! ?」
"Do you see the way they treat people? The Kromells are all grim witches and warlocks." Yang agreed.
"I don't care, and that's not true! I'm sure there's some way we can work out a treaty between our technology and their magic!" Charlotte pleaded. "Please, reconsider your stance!"
"I'm afraid that for your safety, we've decided that you are barred from seeing Nacht," Jamiebel said despondently… before grinning maliciously, away from the family.
[=+=]
"How long have you been in a relationship with that Haywood wench?!" Masamune growled at Nacht.
"Several months now - and she's not a wench, she's a lovely, caring person." the Kromells' next-of-kin defended her dearest.
"People are capable of acting in ways that don't reflect how they think, in order to hurt others." Blake advised.
「⠐⠐⠐⠐。」 Fuuma agreed. 「⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐。」
"Yep, they're definitely up to something if the successor is trying to get close to you." Sayaka agreed.
"I'm warning you, Nacht, that Haywood girl is up to no good," Jim warned. "I advise you not to see her again."
"I trust her - she's definitely not how you think she is." Nacht protested, before storming up to her room.
[=+=]
"Nobody thinks these two can get together - if they manage it, it will be super-deep whale." Marisa said.
「...!」 Tadakatsu whirred to Ieyasu.
"I agree… I was afraid of this, but in order to ensure Charlotte's safety, we must declare war on our long-time enemies. It is not an advisable option, but it is the only one we have, for the future of the clan hangs in her hands."
「... ! ! !」
"Right away, sir." Jonathan saluted before exiting the room, to contact the Ishida clan and Chosokabe's men for assistance.
Marisa frowned. "If they hook up, they can work on washing away all the dislike between your families."
[=+=]
「⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐。」 Fuuma 'spoke.'
"Even if they are being honest, our enmity makes it hard to trust them." Blake responded.
The Twilight Ninja then turned over to Masamune. 「⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐⠐。」
"I agree, we must prepare ourselves for a future party from the Haywoods," Masamune agreed. "Fuuma, Blake, gather Jim and the troops at the castle with Kojuro. I'll contact our allies from the north… we Kromells must stern for the coming storm."
「⠐⠐⠐。」 Fuuma nodded.
"Yes, sir."
[=+=]
"It looks like the conflict is unavoidable now." Nacht said sadly.
"I agree," Charlotte sighed. "Has Lord Masamune ever told you of the legend of his legendary rival, Jean d'Arc?"
"No, never."
"Jean d'Arc is me in disguise. Your father must have been too prideful to reveal his losses - I understand the Kromells have a history of being victors in battle. Nacht, forgive me for this, but… I must lay your father low."
"Nacht and Charlotte," every night, 7:00pm, on SWA TV.
[...]
Next time on the "Academy of Hard Dividends," best friends go up against each other…
Iain: "My bro, Viggo Ogier!"
Viggo: "I'm definitely the trial-and-error kind of guy, because I work faster that way, rather than the maths you typically use."
Three separate challenges, in the ultimate battle of brains vs. brawn…
Viggo: "Dammit!"
Iain: "Doesn't seem your wit can save you in this situation, does it?" (later) "Oh, crap, that might have backed me into a corner."
Viggo: "Sometimes it pays off to trail back on your work."
With a few academy students to keep them on their toes, who's gonna graduate early, and who's gonna get held back?
Iain: "You are such a salty so-and-so!"
Viggo: "Oh, you buggering son of a cabbage!"
"Iain Ferguson's Academy of Hard Dividends," Fridays, 7:30pm on SWA TV.
[...]
Next week, on "Il Weekend Maschile…"
Luc: "Lads, welcome to the Temple of Speed - Monza!"
Luc, Frédéric, Viggo, Enzo, Marcello and Iain make the pilgrimage to one of the fastest tracks on the racing calendar. And awaiting them will be some of the fastest cars the show has ever offered.
(Luc pulls back the cover of one of the cars... revealing a Porsche 918 Spyder.)
Frédéric: "Okay, that's pretty huge."
Viggo: "That's one… two to go."
[=+=]
Luc chuckles - something good and fast comes this way!
(Viggo pulls back another cover - revealing a LaFerrari.)
Frédéric: "No, nononononono, this is just wrong. I know what's gonna be next, and if that next car is what I think it is, I'm gonna head out right now."
Iain: "Only one way to find out."
[=+=]
(Marcello reveals another car - said car being the McLaren P1. Frédéric backs up in amazement or shock.)
Frédéric: "You. Are. JOKING!" (covers his face in disbelief) "I SO CALLED IT! I CALLED IT!"
Viggo and Luc cackle, enjoying the schadenfreude from Frédéric's reaction, prompting everyone else to laugh.
Frédéric: "No! No! Nonononononononononono! Oh, God… how did they get all this?!"
Viggo: Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing the breakdown of Frédéric Loeb! This is absolutely golden!
Enzo: Oh, no! All the glare that time is making now that it's a physical substance has blinded me and I missed seeing Viggo's sadism, I hope nothing bad happens!
(The men reveal the next five cars - in order, a Bugatti Chiron, a McLaren Senna, a McLaren P1 LM, an Aston Martin Vulcan by RML Group and Aston Martin Valkyrie.)
No expense was spared to play this millionaire's game, especially on a track like Monza.
Luc: Not quite, my friends; this collection of exotic metal right here isn't a millionaire's game - but the most dangerous billionaire's game. Have fun.
Six men…
Iain: Ye gods! This acceleration is… it's just not possible!
Luc: The cornering on this thing - how is this even able to handle it?!
Eight incredibly fast, incredibly expensive cars…
Marcello: You're gonna live once, boys - these truly are the days!
Frédéric: I don't think any one of us is gonna forget this! And if we do… there's something wrong with us.
And one legendary racetrack.
(Monza Rally autocross challenge - the men gather around the results...)
Viggo: (after winning a challenge) YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (bearhugs Iain)
Iain: [laughing] Oi! OI, LUC! LUC! HELP! HEEELP! GET HIM OFF ME!
Luc: He's your problem now, sorry.
Enzo: Sorry, I'm not strong enough to take down someone as strong as a bear.
Frédéric: He's one of those sore-winner types, of course he'll do that.
(all men laugh - except Iain, because he's getting crushed)
"Il Weekend Maschile," Sundays, 9pm, on SWA TV.
[end commercials]
If you need music to accompany some of the commercials...
"Enzo and Frédéric Drink to Europe" commercial: "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry
"Iain Ferguson's Academy of Hard Dividends" commercial: the theme from "Dara O Briain's School of Hard Sums" (of which the former is based off of)
"Nacht and Charlotte" commercial: "Vestige" by T. M. Revolution
"Il Weekend Maschile" commercial: "FLAGS" by T. M. Revolution