Kondou ripped up the pieces of paper that were covering his desk. Tears dripped down his face.
"Hijikata... Sougo, I miss you two so much..."
"You were like brothers to me..."
He sniffed and began to draft another report. After scribbling some words down, he sneezed into it, and then had to crumple it up and toss it away. He grabbed another sheet of paper, which were orders for two tombstones.
There was a mayonnaise-bottle shape design and a bazooka shape design. There were spaces below the shapes, filled in with what Kondou wanted engraved on the two tombstones, along with space for their birthday and accepted day of death.
On the mayonnaise bottle, he wanted 'Toshiro Hijikata, Demon Vice-President. Rest in Peace and Mayonnaise.' On the bazooka, Kondou had put 'Okita Sougo, Sadist. May you finally kill Hijikata in death.'
"Without you..."
He tossed down his pen and folded his arms over his face.
"Come back, you two!"
He straightened, tears once again running down his face.
"WITHOUT YOU GUYS I CAN'T STALK OTAE-SAAAN FULL-TIME ANYMORE~! ! !"
Hijikata smoked his last cigarette and tossed the last bit into his pocket. He stared out into the sea with Sougo, who was standing next to him, watching the smoke float away.
"Yeah... Somehow I feel like he doesn't miss us at all, Sougo."
Hijikata peeled mangoes skillfully with his katana. The huge yellow fruits were all over the place. He grinned, pride shining through his black eyes. His black bangs flew up. He held up a perfectly ripe mango. "I know just when they're ready."
He smiled confidently to his audience. "You guys won't find a single sour one in this batch!"
Gintoki sat buried until a pile of giant mangoes. "Oh, I highly doubt that. Okita's over there taking a piss on one of the mangoes, do you think it'll still be sweet after?"
Trickling water was heard from the back.
"OI! ! ! You don't have to go that far just to spite me! ! !"
Okita walked back to where they were sitting, zipping up his pants. "Yeah?"
"DON'T PISS ON MANGOES! PISS SOMEWHERE ELSE! ! !"
Kagura took a bite of one of the mangoes and spat something out. "Thank God these are so sweet," she said, wiping her mouth on the nearest fabric, which happened to be Okita's shirt, "Hijikata-san leaves so much of the peel on it. It's disgusting."
Gintoki nodded. "You gotta cut more off." He hefted up a mango that Hijikata had peeled. He pulled off some strings of fiber that were on top. "This isn't flesh yet. This is just the hair of the mango."
Hijikata scowled. "You damn picky bastards! Who the hell gives a damn-"
Gintoki shushed him, holding up a finger. "Watch the master."
From the shadows, a katana glinted and Okita walked out from it. His red eyes shone. A single mango rolled out of a corner.
Okita walked towards Hijikata and the mango, swinging the katana expertly, took three steps and suddenly slipped on an unexpected mango peel halfway there. Went flying.
Kagura took his place in a flash, leaping down and sideways, smoothly cutting in and covering Sougo's corpse with some leaves before walking up to Hijikata kneeling down, and holding up the katana over a mango...
And carved Gintoki's face perfectly on it in a few quick swipes.
Hijikata's left eye twitched as the small slices of mango peel fluttered down.
Gintoki lifted the mango and admired it. "Perfect, perfect..."
Hijikata smashed the mango into Gintoki's face.
Okita and Kagura sat in the sand, not too far from where Gintoki and Hijikata were cursing at each other over the walls of their sand fortresses.
One labeled Mayonnaise Kingdom and the other labeled Laputa 9001.
They watched as the white perm and the black bangs began to toss balls of sand over the walls, most of them falling apart before they got to the other fortress.
Sougo sat up and crouched in the sand. "If they one day got together, what would happen?"
Kagura crossed her legs. "The great elite demon vice-captain of the Shinsengumi would be ruined forever." Sougo turned to look at her. "Really?"
"Yeah. You really think they're gonna let the vice-captain date a good-for-nothing law-breaker, who causes shock and grief to every policeman and higher-up around?"
"What if they decide to stay together anyways?"
"Then Toshi loses his job. He'd probably stay with us at the Yorozuya HQ. Wonder how we'd fit all the mayonnaise in the fridge..."
Okita was silent for a long moment, and then he stood up and shouted to the two men in the sand. "Oi, I'm a supporter of you two! ! !"
Kagura looked up, surprised. Ever since they arrived at the island, they had maintained a truce, once they would eventually break once they get back into the samurai vs. policemen war of the mainland... This was the side of him-
Okita grinned evilly. "Once Toshi falls in love, I get his job without even having to kill him!"
Kagura punched him in the knee, and once he crumpled to the ground, she pushed him away.
The fire flickered in Kagura's hair, turned the red a blaze of orange and yellow. Okita stoked the fire. It reflected in her eyes too, turning it alive.
She stared back at his dark, dead ones. "What?"
"There was a bug on your nose."
"No there wasn't."
"There's one now."
Instinctively, her hand reached up and touched the tip of her nose. He broke eye contact and ignored her as she steamed at falling for such a cheap trick.
Hijikata climbed back to where they had stationed the fire, right on the edge of a cliff, where the smoke was floating away up into the air. He held a bundle of sticks.
Gintoki was off taking a piss.
Hijikata tossed Okita the wood and sat down.
Kagura and Okita turned to look at him. They looked at each other briefly, and then they stared at Hijikata for a long time over the crackling fire.
Hijikata glared back.
Okita tossed a stick into the fire. "Hey. I got a question... Do you want Gintoki's eight + equal sign + equal sign + equal sign + equal sign + equal sign + greater than sign?" *
"What the...?" Hijikata dropped the stick he was holding into the fire and jumped back when sparks flew up.
Kagura shook her head. "No, it wouldn't be an eight, it would be a percent sign. His balls are all out of skew. And they're sagging."
Hijikata twitched.
Kagura picked her nose. "Anyways, it's not that long. There would probably only three equal signs."
Okita raised his eyebrows. "Really? I thought it would be longer considering how many women he has around him all the time."
Kagura shrugged.
Two hands appeared behind Kagura and Okita, grabbed them both by their collars.
Gintoki tossed them off the cliff.
What Okita is saying...
Type it out on the computer.
8=====... etc. (this thing does not allow the greater than sign to show up. Gomen.)
What Kagura is saying is that it should be this:
%===... etc., because apparently Gintoki's balls are 'out of skew' and his dick isn't long enough to be 5 'equal signs'. Although I myself am not quite sure what's the line in between the 'balls'.
;P