No Better Mistake

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, or any other related characters from the world of Harry Potter. I also don't own the setting, plot lines, relationships, etc. ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING. : )

NOTES:

I can't thank you guys enough for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. I'm glad people are sticking with this story, even though it doesn't get into their relationship super super fast. I promise it will be worth the wait! Also I'm excited everyone caught that last line of the last chapter - my friends didn't at first.

Keep reviewing and tell me what you like or questions. I'm happy to answer them.

Also, this chapter is kind of sad. : (

6

By the time Sirius emerged from the shower himself, Remus was fully dressed, sitting on his bed in a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt. He was pretending to read the book Sirius had given him, but really, he was straining his ears for the return footsteps in the hall. He was surprised to see the other boy walking down the hall, carrying his toothbrush and razor from the bathroom. He was clean-shaven, hair, waving slightly with its very long length still slightly damp. He was also wearing his leather jacket, which Remus assumed he had retrieved from the downstairs hall closet.

"Are you… going somewhere?" Remus asked faintly as Sirius re-entered the room, stooping down to pick his bag up off the floor. Sirius placed his things inside of it, not looking at Remus. He found his near-destroyed shoes behind the bedroom door, and he pulled them on, and he answered without turning his head.

"Got a owl from James this morning," he gestured toward his cot again, and Remus saw a note there he hadn't noticed before, "while you were… in the shower." Sirius stood up, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets and finally looking up. The pair was Sirius' oldest, and favorite—a dark denim with a rather large hole in one of the knees and a large ink stain where the pocket ended… The two of them, sitting in the library, pressed close together, laughing so hard they broke the bottle in his pocket, couldn't use the library for a week… falling over into each other as they left; eyes shining— "Told me he reckons his parents are missing their second son, and he wants me to come today, so we can spend time with them before September first."

"Oh," said Remus awkwardly, "right."

"Give you some time to finish that homework I know I've been distracting you from," said Sirius, with none of the vigor that Remus had seen over the past days. He grinned, but it was half-hearted, and rather strained. "I'll see you next week?"

Remus nodded, moving to get up and off his bed, but Sirius help out a hand to stop him. "No worries," he said, still smiling, "I know the way out," he moved toward the door, "tell your mom and dad thanks for me, will you?"

And without a backward glance, Sirius was gone. Remus could hear him walk down the empty house steps, and within a few minutes Sirius' motorcycle roared to life outside of the large, attic windows. In the slight wind, the grassy fields below seemed to ripple and wave; yellow-gold as sand. Remus rose, and stood by the glass, book in hand, and watched the bike fade, as he had seen it come; to a tiny black dot in the clear, cloudless sky.

Remus hurled the novel in his hands across the room. It crashed against the wall with a bang, sliding down. Fuming, he began to pace around the room. He didn't know what to think. He was angry with himself for letting such a thing happen; he felt tricked, and guilty for believing in what wasn't true. And worst of all, he was scared—scared he had damaged his relationship with his best friend beyond repair, all for a stupid, insane reason…

Remus' eyes fell on the book again, which had fallen open on the ground to its back cover. Shaking, he lifted it up, bringing it closer to his face to read the untidily scrawled message Sirius had left him.

Moony,

Hope your birthday is fantastic.

You deserve all the best…

You're the greatest friend I've ever known,

and I would hate to ever lose you.

Padfoot

Remus let the book drop back to the ground as he stood, eyes burning, to walk out of the room.

(time CHANGE IGNORE THIS STUPID LINE BECAUSE I'M TOO DUMB FOR LINE BREAKS)

Sirius let the bike's roar fade away as he sat, just miles away from the home he'd just left, concealed by the thick trees of the forest. His vision had become so blurred, and his driving had become so careless that he was struggling to fly straight as he forced himself to keep his feelings in check. Now that he was alone, however, and back on the ground, he was unable to stop himself; and he felt himself succumb to hot, angry emotion. Wrenching off his helmet and burying his face in his hands, Sirius sobbed.

Sirius was not ashamed of the person he was anymore. A year ago, he had just begun the thought process that would eventually lead him to where he was now, and all those months ago he had been humiliated, even disgusted at what he was questioning within himself. He had lied to Remus. After a full year's worth of reckless behavior, late nights, and many quiet hours, he had not figured out what he wanted.

Being with Remus John Lupin was what Sirius needed more than anything else.

Coming to terms with his sexuality was not as difficult as it could have been for Sirius. Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual – really, it was all the same to Sirius. He had not doubted himself for a moment in his young life, and when he first realized that his need for Remus put him into a new category that was certainly not heterosexual, it was not the label that bothered him. What bothered him was the person that had made him change his way of defining himself. Never had he intended to fall in love with Remus, although he was quite sure that Remus was a homosexual, even if he wasn't ready to admit it. He'd seen him, all through their years at Hogwarts – never interested in girls, even when the light cast by James and Sirius had boost him into popularity; never wanting to date or even speak about women. Sirius had found it sweet the way he used to stare a little too long at the burly Ravenclaw chaser in their Charms class, or the way he'd turn scarlet every time James mentioned something about an openly effeminate sixth-year. Although Remus remained determinedly silent about what Sirius had already figured out, Sirius had figured it would come out in time, the same way James had weaseled him in to revealing that he was a werewolf. What Sirius didn't expect, however, were the new feelings that arose in himself, shortly after Snape's glimpse of Remus in the Shrieking Shack, and after Sirius had moved in with James and his parents. A new feeling began to shoot through Sirius as he watched a smiling, masculine Hufflepuff fifth-year hand Remus his notes – and it only took a little while for Sirius to realize that he was jealous.

And so, Sirius had begun his strenuous efforts to cure himself of a problem he was positive could not truly exist. There was no way that he could be interested in Remus, the boy he had shared six years of school, dormitories, and day-to-day life with. It was one thing to want to date men – Sirius would have accepted that wholeheartedly – but to want to be with Remus was unthinkable. It simply could not happen. Sirius went on countless dates, trying to shake his growing infatuation, but after he missed Remus' transformation in the spring of that year, he could no longer deny what he'd been trying so hard to dismiss.

This was Sirius' one, and only secret from his best friend and adoptive brother, James. He knew James would not care one way or another who Sirius chose to like, or even love, but he also knew James would laugh - or spit - in his face if Sirius told him that the one he knew he was meant for was their very best friend. Sirius knew it was no hope trying to seduce, or convince Remus in any way, but when James left with Lily for those few days, he found it impossible not to gravitate toward Remus. After a year of distancing himself, punishing himself for the mere thought of it, he could no longer resist – he let himself answer the questions Remus asked truthfully, he even dared to flirt with the werewolf… but now, of course, it had all been for nothing.

Sirius' tears had slowed now, and he sat, still on his bike, lost in thought. He had always been the emotional one of the pair – Remus, forever hiding his feelings, behind a book or his schoolwork, but Sirius was always one to let everyone know just how he felt. He'd come crashing in the common room after failing an exam, raving, or laugh, loudly and clearly in the hallway when something stuck him, as if often did, as hilarious. Keeping this secret was unbearable. The guilt crashed through him like a pelting hailstorm, raining down and ruining his every thought. He had not meant to take advantage of his friend the way he now felt he had. It was true that he had thought, perhaps, the liquor might finally give him the courage to confess his secret to Remus, but never had he imagined he found find himself, caught up in a tangle of limbs, lip-to-lip with the younger boy. And even now, thought Sirius bitterly, punching the handlebars, he would never believe it was real. He thinks it was all a drunken mistake…

There was nothing left to it. Sirius straightened up from his hunched over position on his motorbike. Lifting up his t-shirt, he dried his eyes off, using the back of his hand to wipe the hair off of his now sweaty forehead. Sirius had spent too many years, invested too much time, and learned to care too much to let the horrible slip-up of the night before cause him to lose Remus. As he kicked the bike back into life, he jammed his helmet back onto his head; face set, and his mind made up.

Oh, Sirius. It's hard when the people you love don't love you back. Poor thing...

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